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The Angel Pine Massacre [MP]


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Click the following to download this MP: https://dyom.gtagames.nl/show/68247





The SFPD's best police officers are given the task of solving a mystery: Over the course of a month, 17 people went missing after going to Angel Pine. It's all up to them to solve this case.



PatrickW and Dutchy3010, for creating DYOM 8.1

@SIZZZ, for creating DYOM#

You, for checking my project




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Police investigation and country sides? That's my weakness. I'll play it and give you feedback. 

Edited by Aymunz
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4 minutes ago, Aymunz said:

Police investigation and country sides? That's my weakness. I'll play it and give you feedback. 


That's good! Can't wait for your feedback!

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So i played this MP and at first glance it sounded promising and interesting. And it kinda did for the intro mission but then later on missions started to take 1-2 minutes and with minimal storytelling. I dont think you are doing a terrible job but i think you are like fastforwarding the story with such promising theme especiialy since 3 of ur missions can be made into 1. If given a lenghty time and consideration and patience, it would have been a very good MP for a new prospect. IMO u should plan ur plot, take ur time, and dont be rushing multiple MPs with minimal storytelling in a week while others take up to a month. Now i get that u r new and they r veterans, but i think u should focus on the quality not the quantity, if u r really passionate about it take my word and others to consideration, all the best to u buddy.

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Compared to Body count, this mission has less gameplay and more cutscenes and dialgoue. All gameplay elements here aren't a
challange, but a change of pace, I guess. This way it was more focused on the narrative. I can say you have a very good English
not only in terms of grammar and spelling, but also in the dialect used by different types of people (teens, countrymen, police
officers, etc...). Every type managed to sound distinct and accurately represented their roles , and that's great! If i have to
include a favourite line it would be:
"Georgia: I'm sorry boy. I ain't a detective! I cook burgers for pennies!"


Cutscenes weren't that aesthetic. They were good in angle. But if I'm being honest, I kinda expected more. especially since this
is a cinematic experience. But I think you're still learning, so there's definately a room to improve here. I recommend checking
out The Half-Blood Prince's "Time Zero" mission pack, as he put up some amazing work in the cutscenes and presentation.


As for the main plot:


There's a lot of things that I felt were wrong. Lack of suspence or mistery, How irresponsable some of the
police officers were, How easily and conveniently the victims got lured into their deaths, How irrelivant the mayor of this town
is, I could go on and on... But then again, it's a slasher style MP, Blood, guts, and pure "honest to God" gore - like my manhunt reference here? ;) - and as silly as it was, I kinda enjoyed it for what it is. I liked the different ways they kill the victims. My favourate is using that giant grass mower thing. Come to think of it,  I didn't know this machine worked in dyom too. 

I still wish you will improve your writing further. Looking forward to your next project. And Good luck!!

Edit: still appreciate your cover art and the additional newspaper article. :D

Edited by Aymunz
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27 minutes ago, Stardust101 said:

Thanks for the feedback! I'm pretty aware of how short my MPs are. It's something I'll need to work on.

I personally have no problem with shorter mission packs, they are certainly more digestible. 

However MPs with good length tend to have a better "fleshing out" of it's characters and plots.

But listen, I'm sorry if I sound overcritical most of the time and I understand that it can be annoying. After all we are here just trying to have fun making missions,  playing them, and exchanging feedback. 

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  • 1 month later...

This MP is tbh, really short, but it was kinda good, Basically one of those short but good missions.


I wish I could give it a 4/5 but it's kinda short, but still, good job, and yes, You DID Improve :)

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