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Tyler

Too Many Raccoons

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Tyler

Hey fellas, I need some help here and don't know where else to turn. I'll give a little backstory; it all started about three weeks ago. I like to go out on my back porch at around 10:30PM every night so I can get stoned and do crossword puzzles while I listen to Funkadelic. It's a nice setup, because I can see my garden and all of the sh*ts my dog has taken that I still haven't cleaned up. Still, I wanted a bit more excitement. I started bringing out tortillas so I could lay them on the fence I share with an abandoned trap house. The idea was to lure raccoons so I could befriend them. I know what you're thinking, and yes: they love tortillas. They were in my backyard by day three. I only brought out the tortillas at night, and I took them in with me so the raccoons would recognize that I am the hand that feeds. It worked perfectly.

 

However, it turns out raccoons have an intricate network of communication between their species, because my backyard is filled with them. I am not speaking in metaphors here: I cannot walk without stepping on a god damn raccoon. They're cute enough alone, but hundreds of raccoons shuffling around your backyard does not inspire the kind of mood I want when I get inconsolably high. I don't want to hurt them, but I am at the end of my wits on this whole thing. I have started ripping fat clouds in the laundry room because I don't want to risk tripping over a raccoon and falling into a sea of fur and ill intent. It's getting bad, so to speak. 

 

So, has anyone been in a similar situation? Can anyone offer words of wisdom for me on this?

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gooeyhole

Embrace it. Become Sly Cooper. Reject society, return to raccoon.

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RARusk

Too Many Raccoons sounds like a band name.

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RedDagger

more raccoons 

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The Time Ranger

They hate the smell of ammonia, so a few strategic saucers of that will sort them out, failing that find the biggest raccoon and punch it in the face, that'll scare them off, prison rules the furry little cunts.

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K^2
9 hours ago, The Time Ranger said:

failing that find the biggest raccoon and punch it in the face, that'll scare them off, prison rules the furry little cunts.

That's how you end up on YouTube.

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Shnockered1
Posted (edited)

This sounds too much like a cautionary tale.Thanks for the tip. Note to self: No tortilla chips on the fence in my back yard!

Also, you are too old to be getting "inconsolably high" - time to grow up, LOL

Edited by Shnockered1

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OysterBarron

You're now their mother, try weening them off the tortillas onto your breast milk, this will eventually sour and they will fly the nest eventually. I'm pretty sure that's the way the animal kingdom works or some sh*t like that.

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Cameron Star

Replace the tortillas with hot chilli flavoured ones. Once they taste the betrayal burning their mouths they will leave.

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Mr. Scratch

Drop acid with them, become their leader and start the raccoon uprising.

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Jimmy
Posted (edited)

First, Raccoons are pretty feisty animals. You don't want to get scratched while getting rid of them. The only things they like are trash lying around or food in open places. This is basically surrounding modifcation to make sure that your place is as clean as they can. They don't like air freshers or perfume. Keep spraying those around. Make sure you don't have any open cereal boxes or cans around. Check for any holes or openings that they might have made in your house. Get rid of them or seal it. You don't want them coming back. Keep your roof acccess locked, chimney sealed and monitor tight spaces around furnitures.

 

Nuclear solution: cayenne pepper. Yes, put these in food and feed them. This can easily deter a raccoon’s interest. P.S: There are some of the methods that a buddy of mine in the midwest tried to clear raccoons from his house. It's slow and steady and he even tried some methods like sprinkers, barbed fences, eletrified wired poles and all that sh*t. Keep doing them and they might just leave you alone when you feel that there free food privileges have come to an end.

 

P.S.S: Your title and store will make one hilarious YouTube video.

Edited by Jimmy

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el carlitos

1. Make a video or it never happend.

2. Upload the video to YT (if true)

3. Become famous as the guy with 100 of racoons (if true)

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OysterBarron

I'm assuming the racoons have now taken over Tyler's pad or worse murder him.

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K^2
8 hours ago, OysterBarron said:

I'm assuming the racoons have now taken over Tyler's pad or worse murder him.

I believe, raccoons usually keep the home owner/tenant alive as long as possible, forcing them to sign mortgage/rent checks every month until their bank account is dry. In extreme cases, they can even attempt a legal challenge to an eviction order, letting them squat on the property for another 2-3 months.

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OysterBarron

Well at least there's a small silver lining to this ever unfolding situation. #pray4tyler

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Jimmy
2 hours ago, K^2 said:

I believe, raccoons usually keep the home owner/tenant alive as long as possible, forcing them to sign mortgage/rent checks every month until their bank account is dry. In extreme cases, they can even attempt a legal challenge to an eviction order, letting them squat on the property for another 2-3 months.

In this case, I would hate to know what happened to Tyler. For a breed of feisty creatures, raccoons have a real interest in real-estate and property. I wonder if they will be sending any sort of ransom letter to his family or relatives. Or worse use his credentials to login here and stream it live. I think I'm not being creative enough and there can't be anything worse happening to him. None the less, #pray4tyler

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SilverRST

Hilarious thread lol. It's been a month and no sign of Tyler's life on this planet. I guess these too many raccoons have taken over Tyler.

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RARusk

Maybe they started a band.

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