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[Forum Game] The Bloopers Thread


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Spoiler

Title: Out-Threatener

Type: Ruined existing GTA scene

 

Transcript:

 

[CJ accidentally makes the mistake of sitting on the driver seat of the seemingly empty Washington parked at the gas station in Easter Basin.]

T-Bone: [lying on the left side of the backseat, sits up, grabs CJ from behind and puts a Colt .45 to his head] "Undercover cop, undercover rival or undercover WHAT?!"

 

[Big Smoke and BMYST watch CJ and T-Bone from across the street.]

Big Smoke: "Hey, that's my man right there, y'know what I'm sayin'?"

BMYST: "All that aggression!"

 

Big Smoke: "Damn, that other guy's bad! Heh-heh. Oh yeah!"

CJ: "My throat!"

 

T-Bone: "I'm gonna edit the script and cut out all your dialogues. And then, you'll be mute just like Claude!" [the gun "accidentally" goes off.]

CJ: "Holy bedsheet-" [the bullet turns out to be a sniper bullet which goes straight through CJ's head, rebounds off the gas station floor and hits the gas pumps.]

 

[The whole gas station explodes with a huge fire erupting.]

Big Smoke: "CJAAAAAAAAAY! NOOOOOOOOO-h well, forget it." [walks off] "I gotta eat."

BMYST: "Later!" [walks off.]

 

Toreno: [walks up to CJ and T-Bone, who are now lying dead in the mess] "Are you boys done playing around?"

T-Bone: [speaking while still being dead] "...Yeah, we're straight, vato."

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Title: No Deal

(Everyone walks into the church)

Preacher: I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may kiss the bride.

Roman: Ah man, yes I did it!

(Everyone walks outside)

Niko: Congratulations cousin!

Roman: Alright! Yes... Thank you. Thank you all for coming!

(As everyone cheers, a man in a dark suit walks up behind Niko)

Assassin: Niko Bellic?

Niko: No?

Assassin: I... I must have been mistaken. Sorry.

(Everyone cheers, the music starts to play)

 


 

Edited by Americana
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Spoiler

Title: Mr. Klebitz

Type: Ruined existing GTA scene

 

Transcript:

 

[Trevor grabs Johnny by the neck, throws him onto the ground and prepares to throw a brown glass bottle at his head.]

Johnny: [rolls to his left, narrowly dodging the incoming bottle] "The Lost just doesn't lose their integrity like that!"

 

[Johnny does a backflip to get back on his feet and slightly tilts his overly shiny bald head towards Trevor, Ashley, Ron and Wade.]

Johnny: "Prepare to die!" [pulls out a ridiculously huge magnifying glass and places it in front of his head to maximize the deadly sunlight reflecting off his head.]

 

[Trevor, Ashley, Ron and Wade catch fire from the reflection's radiation as "She's on Fire" by Amy Holland starts playing in the background.]

Terry and Clay: [start clapping, cheering and whistling to Trevor, Ashley, Ron and Wade as they dance to the song and provide lip-sync while burning to death.]

Johnny: [gets a call from Micheal] "Hello?"

 

Micheal: [calling from his mansion] "Hey, Mr. Baldie, how'd it go?"

Johnny: "Absolutely brilliant, Mr. Hairy. I've taken real good care of them."

 

Micheal: "Great! Check your account. And remember, we never met."

Johnny: "Got it." [hangs up the phone.]

 

[The camera cuts to Micheal, Franklin and Dave sitting on the couches in Micheal's mansion.]

Micheal: "There, happy now? Trevor's dead. No need to worry about him anymore."

Dave: "Whatever. Just don't make me come back here ever again." [gets up and leaves.]

Edited by Staunton Assassin
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Spoiler

 

Title: Trained to follow

Type: Ruined existing GTA scene

 

[Big Smoke who's on a bike shoots a Vagos to death.

A few minutes pass.]

 

Big Smoke: You should rejoice I made it and to see I'm so talented with the fire-weapons because all you had to do was follow the damn train CJ.

CJ: Hum...........Smoke

Big Smoke: Yeah?

CJ: Why do you think the damn train stopped a least 1 hour in the middle of nowhere before you managed to kill them all?

Big Smoke: Because the driver made a heart attack?

CJ: Because I was driving it dumbass fool!

 

 

 

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Spoiler

Title: Sleeping Fury

Type: Ruined existing GTA scene

 

Transcript:

 

[Tommy enters Ken's office to find him sleeping on the couch.]

Tommy: [with the office door open] "Hey, Ken!" [Ken doesn't respond] "Ken!" [slams the door shut so hard that it breaks and falls off, but Ken stays asleep.]

 

[Tommy screams into Ken's both ears multiple times, but he keeps sleeping.]

Tommy: "What do I do?" [looks out of the window and sees a bunch of cars] "Ah, I've got it." [pulls out a rocket launcher and blows up a couple of cars, Ken's still asleep] "Damn it!"

 

[Tommy goes outside and starts blowing up the entire 3D-era universe, but Ken doesn't wake up.]

[After a very long montage showing Tommy blowing stuff up and Ken still sleeping, The only things left in the 3D-era universe now are Ken, Tommy and his rocket launcher.]

 

[Tommy, extremely tired, falls onto the non-existent floor and falls alseep.]

Ken: [snaps awake on the non-existent couch from Tommy's last sigh] "WAAARGH! Oh, for God's sake, it's you! OH, JEEZ! I'm gonna need new pants!"

Edited by Staunton Assassin
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Title: Farewell, "My Love"
Type: Ruined existing GTA scene

[Catalina pulls up at the starting line for the race]

[Catalina] PIG!

[Carl] Damn! What'd i do now?
[Catalina] Oh, So this is where you've been, eh? Is this how you repay my tenderness? You prefer the curves of a car to those of a real woman?
[Carl] Look, Catalina, you called it off, remember? 'Just business'
[Catalina] What kind of a man are you? When i say just business, I mean that i love you!

[Catalina misses the car with the crowbar, causing her to roll over and start tumbling down the hill like a cartoon character.]

[Claude]


[Claude starts up his car and tries to damage CJ's ride, however he misses and crashes into a tree, where he is launched off the windshield and meets the same fate as Catalina]

[All of the other racers look in awe as they just witnessed CJ beat a crazy couple by doing absolutely nothing, the race continues and CJ wins, however Catalina is unable to give CJ the Pink-Slip for the San Fierro garage, softlocking the game and making the player rage-quit.]
 

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ThatBenGuy1998

Title: Foreign Spies

Type: Ruined already existing GTA scene

 

After Johnny Klebitz and Jim Fitzgerald are done stealing motorcycles from the Angels of Death MC, two unmarked cruisers show up. Out of them comes a male British MI6 agent named Robert Walker and a female Israeli Mossad agent named Miriam Shapiro.

Johnny: Sh*t!
Jim: Just be cool, man.

Miriam: Well, what do we have here?
Robert: Looks like a couple of American blokes who thought they could steal some motorcycles from their rival biker gang.

Miriam: You don’t fool us! You’re trying to offload these to Japan.

She kicks over a motorcycle then laughs alongside Robert.

Jim: Hey! Why don’t you punks go back to Britain and Israel?
Robert: I’m afraid it’s our duty to watch crime that happens overseas from us, chaps. In the mean time, we’ll be watching you!
Miriam: That means stay outta trouble, boys. (winks and blows them a kiss)

Johnny and Jim flip off Robert and Miriam as they get back in their vehicles. As they drive off, Jim and Johnny help each other stand the motorcycle upwards.

Johnny: F*cking b*tch and c*cksucker!

Jim: It’s pricks like them that make me extra proud to be an American!
Johnny: F*cking A-right! We gotta lay extra low now! Later, Jim!
Jim: Later, Johnny!

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Rashkovsky: So long! I hope they pay you good for this! Wait, what's this red light?

Agent14: I should say, I've been impressed by your professionalism....

 

Plane engine stutters and cuts out in the background.

Mission failed: Rashkovsky died.

Edited by AirWolf359
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Spoiler

Title: IV Ending III

Type: Ruined custom GTA scene

 

Transcript:

 

[Niko is brushing teeth while squatting over the edge of the fountain in Middle Park.]

Niko: "How to kill Dimitri without angering Pegorino?" [a ridiculously huge light bulb falls on him] "BRAINSTORM!"

 

[Niko goes to Dimitri's ship in East Hook and approaches the ship's gangplank, wearing a fake mustache.]

Russian: "Stop!" [beat] "You look friendly, in you go."

Niko: [shrugs] "Okay." [goes up the ship's gangplank and heads up to the ship's bridge.]

 

[Niko enters the bridge to find Dimitri inside.]

Niko: [closes the door and locks it] "Well, hello, Mr. Rascal!..." [in a very low tone of voice] "Ov."

Dimitri: "Niko Bellic?! DIE!"

 

Niko: "Elders first!" [shoves an entire bottle of laxative down Dimitri's throat.]

Dimitri: [instantly disappears and reappears on one of the toilets in the ship's bathrooms.]

 

Niko: [calls Jimmy Pegorino] "Hello, Mr. Pegorino?" [Pegorino instantly appears next to him] "Nevermind." [hangs up the phone and takes Pegorino to Dimitri] "Mr. Pegorino..." [kicks open the toilet stall Dimitri is in] "THIS IS YOUR RAT!"

Pegorino: "What?!"

 

Niko: "Yes. And the deal he was going to make with you was just a lie so he can kill me!"

Pegorino: [grabs Dimitri by his collar] "Oh, so you're the rat who's responsible for the downfall of the Pegorinos?!"

 

Dimitri: [totally wrecked up] "Yeah... I-I mean, NO!"

Pegorino: "Niko, kill this rat!"

 

Niko: [pulls out a Desert Eagle] "With pleasure, boss."

Dimitri: [as Niko loads the gun up] "Oh, sh-" [gets shot right in the center of his forehead.]

 

[Pegorino's mobsters attack the ship, kill all of the Russian mobsters and take over Dimitri's cargo with zero casualties, thanks to Niko's help.]

Pegorino: "Great work, Niko. Thanks to you, we have it all for free. Here's your payday." [hands Niko $250,000] "Go on, make your wish. Anything you want."

Niko: [thinks for a second] "Oh, yeah, I have a wish. Set me free."

 

Pegorino: "What? Are you serious? You're so useful to us."

Niko: "You see, the thing is that I don't wanna be a bad guy anymore. I've had enough."

 

Pegorino: [sighs] "Okay, then. I'm just sad to see you go offline like that." [shakes hands with Niko] "Goodbye, Niko Bellic."

Niko: "Whatever." [Pegorino and his men leave.]

 

[Niko rigs the entire ship with bombs and jumps off the ship with a huge explosion ensuing, like in the "Move Up, Ladies" tralier of the game.]

[Cue Seryoga's "King Ring".]

Edited by Staunton Assassin
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Title: Not Pulling Favors

 

(Franklin doesn't approach Tonya and doesn't have to do tedious tasks for her.)

 

Sorry, [spoiler] doesn't work.

 

Edited by Americana
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Spoiler

Title: Everything But Business
Type: Ruined existing GTA scene

 

Transcript:

 

[CJ and Big Smoke pull over outside the Atrium in Commerce in Big Smoke's Glendale. CJ dismantles the steering wheel and hangs it around his neck.]
Big Smoke: [looks at CJ with a very huge WTF expression on his face] "Hey, what was that, fool?!"
CJ: "What? Ain't nobody gonna steal your ride now." [turns off the car's engine, pulls the key out of the keyhole and hands it to Big Smoke, who puts it in his shirt's front pocket.]

 

[CJ and Big Smoke make sure all windows are rolled up, all doors are closed and locked and exit the car.]
CJ: ["accidentally" slams the driver side door shut so hard it breaks and falls off] "A'ight, Smoke, let's go."
Big Smoke: [looks at CJ with a very huge WTF expression on his face, facepalms and sighs] "The nerve of that man!" [calmly closes the front passenger side door, only for it to break and fall off] "Damn!"

 

[CJ and Big Smoke start walking towards the escalator leading up to the patio of the Atrium, where the main entrance is situated.]
CJ: [laughs] "Now who's got a bad nerve?"
Big Smoke: "Get in touch with your spiritual side or some bedsheet like that."

 

CJ: [laughs again] "Oh... Oh, yeah!"
Big Smoke: "Ah, just shut it, man."

 

[BMYCR, a young African-American street criminal wearing the most least expensive clothing in SA, sneaks up to Big Smoke's Glendale and gets in, only to be met by the absence of the steering wheel.]
BMYCR: [looks at the dashboard with a very huge WTF expression on his face] "What the what?!" [facepalms and goes crazy] "That's it, I quit!" [exits the car and runs off, laughing crazily.]

 

[CJ and Big Smoke walk onto the escalator. Big Smoke's excess weight heavily slows down the escalator.]
CJ: "Ah, this thing wasn't built to take so much weight!"
Big Smoke: "Hey, you're the one packing on the pounds, CJ!"

 

CJ: "Well, they don't call you BIG Smoke for nothing!"
Big Smoke: "Bedsheet, I was born big, fool! You, on the other hand, have a dietary problem!" [CJ and Big Smoke start arguing with their speech playing at a very fast speed while a timelapse effect occurs.]

 

[24 hours later...]

 

[The escalator step CJ and Big Smoke are standing on finally reaches the patio and breaks into pieces.]
Big Smoke: [sighs] "Okay, then, CJ. You win. I'm fat."
CJ: "YES! I won!"

 

Big Smoke: "Hey, look, if you hear bedsheet start to pop off, come in there blastin', a'ight?" [heads inside the Atrium, going offscreen.]
CJ: "Yeah, whatever, man." [to a girl sitting on a chair next to a table and a second chair about to eat some salad] "Hey, girl, gimme that food!"

 

Big Smoke: [offscreen] "MOTHERFISHERS!"
CJ: [completely ignores Big Smoke's shout and walks up to the girl] "I'm asking nicely, lady! I need this food! Police business!" [The girl looks at CJ with a very huge WTF expression on her face.]

 

Big Smoke: [offscreen] "CJ, GET IN HERE!"

CJ: "Last chance, woman! I'm having your food!"

 

Big Smoke: [offscreen] "CJAAAAAAAAAY! HELP ME!"
CJ: "Hey, shut your mouth!" [a very huge explosion ensues at the Atrium's entrance, creating a very large hole in the wall] "Holy bedsheet-" [gets blown away by the blast.]

 

[A Russian mobster gets sent flying out of the hole.]
Russian dude: "WAAAAAAAAARGH!" [reaches ridiculous heights in the sky.]

 

[A black, fat silhouette appears in the very thick and large dark-gray cloud of smoke and starts advancing towards CJ.]
CJ: "Oh, man, it's that hairless cat from Moms' ghost stories!" [The girl bursts into hysterical laughter] "Hey, shut up! I'm a tough guy, I can take it!"

 

[As the silhouette gets closer and eventually comes out of the smoke cloud, the silhouette is revealed to be Big Smoke, who is now completely charred black.]
CJ: [gets up and looks at Big Smoke with a very huge WTF expression on his face] "...S-Smoke?"
Big Smoke: [coughs up dust] "You's a busta, fool!" [pulls out his wallet and pulls out his signature baseball bat from it] "Don't take this personal. Just trying to make people listen to me."

 

CJ: [Big Smoke puts his wallet back into his shirt pocket] "Hey, Smoke, chill out! I'm sorry!"
Big Smoke: "Oh, are you gonna be sorry... Now I'mma play baseball with your behind!"

 

CJ: "Smoke, man, cool it! I'm sorry!" [runs off into the sunset.]
Big Smoke: "CJAAAY!" [runs off after CJ.]

 

CJ: "Hey, homie, I told you, my bad, man!" [Big Smoke whacks him a few good ones in the behind] "WE COOL, MAN, WE COOL! COOL!"
Big Smoke: "ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS COME IN THERE BLASTIN', FOOL!" [whacks CJ in the behind again.]

 

The girl: [gets up and sighs] "My God, they're such imbeciles." [heads down to the street using the escalator and sees Big Smoke's Glendale] "The guy at the crusher'll pay top dollar for this trash!"
BMYCR: [runs past the girl like an idiot] "Don't steal it, man! Don't steal it!" [runs headfirst into a lamp post and dies.]

 

The girl: "Oh, as if I'm supposed to listen to you." [walks up to the car and gets in to find the steering wheel mising] "Now where's the damned steering wheel?!" [hears faint screaming] "What's that sound?"
CJ: [getting whacked offscreen] "OOF LEVEL 105%!"

 

[The faint screaming eventually becomes louder and clearer as the girl leans out of the car and sees something shocking in the sky.]
The girl: "Oh, no! Not on this car!"
Russian dude: [falling from the sky] "Look out!" [lands on Big Smoke's Glendale and dies, the car explodes with the girl still inside.]

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Double-post but whatever, it's my thread anyway.

Spoiler

Title: Literally Cutting The Grass
Type: Ruined existing GTA scene

 

Transcript:

 

[Claude goes to see Salvatore at his mansion to find him talking to a white, poor-looking old fat guy with curly blonde hair and blue eyes.]
Claude: "Good ten o' clock in the morning, Mr. Leone!"
Salvatore: "Ah, Claude, my third spiritual son! This here's my old friend, Curly Bob. He's come around on lunch here today."

 

[The camera cuts to Maria actually working hard and cooking up a delicious turkey in the mansion's kitchen before cutting back to Claude, Salvatore and Curly Bob.]
Claude: "Right."
Salvatore: "He throws drinks to people at Luigi's place."

 

[The camera fades to Luigi's place to show a flashback. Curly Bob is standing at the lemonade stand situated inside the place.]
Curly Bob: "Time to take my millionth daily dose." [pulls out a Hidden Package and unwraps it to reveal a weird-behind kind of stark white talcum powder] "Oh, yes, SPANK! My favorite delight!"

A random customer: [looks at Curly Bob with a very huge WTF expression on his/her/whatever face] "What? You too?!" [facepalm] "Oh, may the God damn them SPANK makers."

 

Curly Bob: [loses even insanity because he's already crazy] "YUM, YUM, YUM!" [hysterically grabs fistfuls of the powder and stuffs it into his ears while sniffing and laughing psychotically a lot.]
The random customer: [disgusted] "God, that's disgusting! You're some Jack Lupino-tier bedsheet, man! Just gimme some of that lemonade you guys are selling and I'm outta here."

 

Curly Bob: "I FEEL THE POWER!" [gets infinite Molotov Cocktails out of nowhere and starts tossing them at both the customers and the workers, setting them all on fire] "DIE, DIE, DIE!"
Mickey: [with a handicam on] "HAH! This gold'll sell well to Liberty City Survivor Season 1,000,000, man!"

 

Luigi: [walks into the place, sees the mayhem and grabs his hair] "CURLY BOB, WHAT'RE YA' DOIN'?"
Mickey: "Oh, wait!" [goes to the DJ, who is Morgan Merryweather from Double-Cleff FM for no reason, punches him unconscious and drags him off his seat] "Ha-ha!" [puts on "She's On Fire" by Amy Holland.]

 

Customers and workers: [professionally dance to the song while providing proper lipsync and burning to death.]
Curly Bob: [tosses more and more Molotov Cocktails to the customers and workers] "THESE ARE ALL ON FINLAND! ENJOY, FOOLS!" [tries to howl like a wolf but somehow ends up meowing like a cat for no reason.]

 

Luigi: [stands still between Curly Bob and Mickey, staring at Curly Bob with his right eye and Mickey with the left one while having a very huge WTF expression on his face.]
Mickey: [films the customers, workers, Curly Bob, Luigi, the KOed Morgan and himself with the handicam like a total idiot.]

 

[The flashback ends with a fade as Curly Bob's meowing, sniffing and insanely funny psychotic laughter echoes into reality.]
Claude: [stands still like a statue, looking straight ahead and watching the flashback with full attention.]
Salvatore: "Claude? ...Claude?"

 

Claude: "Whuh? Oh, uh-"
Salvatore: "Are you gonna shake hands with him or will you bow to him like the Japanese? Your face is like a knife with 'pistol' written on it, I can tell you that."

 

Curly Bob: [sniffs] "Hi!"
Claude: [disgusted] "Bye!" [turns around and tries to walk off.]

 

Salvatore: "Hey, wait-" [grabs Claude's right arm which comes off thanks to his model being split into chunks rather than using the smooth Skin and Bones system] "WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FLICK IS THIS?!"
Claude: "Hey, my arm's still on, but it's alpha channel opacity value is set to zero which makes it look like it's not there. And that's a duplicated model you're holding there, by the way."

 

Salvatore and Curly Bob: [look at Claude with very huge WTF expressions on their faces.]
Claude: [grabs the arm and puts it where it was, the duplicate disappears and the actual one reappears] "Okay, so where were we?"

 

Salvatore: "Uh, yeah, Curly Bob said the garden behind the mansion looks bad 'cause it has overgrown over the years. Could you mow it down for us?"
Claude: [the camera slowly starts zooming into his face. As soon as the stupid zooming bedsheet is taken care of, Claude makes a very huge WTF expression on his face] "What?"

 

[The camera cuts to Claude using a reel lawn mower to mow down the ridiculously tall grass of the very huge and empty garden conveniently situated behind the mansion.]
Claude: [wipes off sweat from his forehead with his lower-right arm] "God, if this was going to be the case, I should've joined the charity instead!"

 

[Salvatore and Curly Bob are sitting on chairs by a table on the mansion's front side patio while Maria serves them with the food.]
Salvatore: [munches on the turkey] "Hey, Claude, how's it going?!"
Claude: "Just fine, Mr. Leone! You'd better have those $15,000 ready when I'm done!"

 

Salvatore: [takes a sip of lemonade] "Oh, of course, I will!"
Maria: [hands Curly Bob a cup of tea] "Here's your tea."

 

Curly Bob: "Thank you, Ms. Latore." [sniffs.]
Maria: "UGH, WHAT ARE YOU?!" [tries to flee but falls off the arch cliff the mansion is situated on in the process.]

 

Claude: [stops] "Wait." [the camera zooms out to show both the mansion and the garden are situated atop an arch cliff, out of the whole universe's sight] "IS THIS DAMN THING EVEN VISIBLE TO ANYONE?!"
Salvatore and Curly Bob: [instantly disappear, taking the turkey they were eating along as well.]

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Title: Major Turbulence
Type: Ruined existing GTA scene

[Trevor gets on the Andromeda (or whatever the plane is)]

[Trevor] Roon! I have secured the plane
[Ron] Uuh, Thats great! Bring it back to the airfiel-- Oh.. not so great
[Trevor] Huh?
[Ron] They sent in fighter-jets to fight the plane.. J-Just try to get the plane to the airfield.. okay?
[Trevor] Ah, dont sweat it Ron, i got thi-

[The plane's engine gets shot out by one of the Lazers (damn lucky shots..)]

[Trevor] That early? Have you guys not learnt how to indentify a civillian aircraft?

[Fighter-jet #1] Stop the aircraft NOW!
[Fighter-jet #2] Uhh, This is Tiger U-97 and im low on gas, over
[Zancudo] "That doesnt matter, we have hundreds of you!"
[Fighter-jet #2] May god help me..

[Fighter Jet #2 crashes into the Andromeda, causing BOTH engines to fail]

[Trevor] What? 

[The plane scrapes the top of the Vinewood sign, then falling over like a cartoon that hasnt realised they arent standing on something anymore, causing it to explode]


Fission Mailed:

The Airplane has been destroyed by a stupid idiot who forgot to refuel at the base.
 

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Title: The Unsuccessful Job

 

(Tommy and Cam head upstairs to the elevator while shooting down security guards that get in their way.)

 

Cam: I hope the safe is not a Flange 9000.

 

(Tommy and Cam reach the elevator and go to the safe.)

 

Cam: Damn! It's a Flange 9000!

 

(Seinfield theme starts playing.)
 

Edited by Americana
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On 12/13/2020 at 9:19 AM, Staunton Assassin said:
  Hide contents

Title: IV Ending III

Type: Ruined custom GTA scene

 

Transcript:

 

[Niko is brushing teeth while squatting over the edge of the fountain in Middle Park.]

Niko: "How to kill Dimitri without angering Pegorino?" [a ridiculously huge light bulb falls on him] "BRAINSTORM!"

 

[Niko goes to Dimitri's ship in East Hook and approaches the ship's gangplank, wearing a fake mustache.]

Russian: "Stop!" [beat] "You look friendly, in you go."

Niko: [shrugs] "Okay." [goes up the ship's gangplank and heads up to the ship's bridge.]

 

[Niko enters the bridge to find Dimitri inside.]

Niko: [closes the door and locks it] "Well, hello, Mr. Rascal!..." [in a very low tone of voice] "Ov."

Dimitri: "Niko Bellic?! DIE!"

 

Niko: "Elders first!" [shoves an entire bottle of laxative down Dimitri's throat.]

Dimitri: [instantly disappears and reappears on one of the toilets in the ship's bathrooms.]

 

Niko: [calls Jimmy Pegorino] "Hello, Mr. Pegorino?" [Pegorino instantly appears next to him] "Nevermind." [hangs up the phone and takes Pegorino to Dimitri] "Mr. Pegorino..." [kicks open the toilet stall Dimitri is in] "THIS IS YOUR RAT!"

Pegorino: "What?!"

 

Niko: "Yes. And the deal he was going to make with you was just a lie so he can kill me!"

Pegorino: [grabs Dimitri by his collar] "Oh, so you're the rat who's responsible for the downfall of the Pegorinos?!"

 

Dimitri: [totally wrecked up] "Yeah... I-I mean, NO!"

Pegorino: "Niko, kill this rat!"

 

Niko: [pulls out a Desert Eagle] "With pleasure, boss."

Dimitri: [as Niko loads the gun up] "Oh, sh-" [gets shot right in the center of his forehead.]

 

[Pegorino's mobsters attack the ship, kill all of the Russian mobsters and take over Dimitri's cargo with zero casualties, thanks to Niko's help.]

Pegorino: "Great work, Niko. Thanks to you, we have it all for free. Here's your payday." [hands Niko $250,000] "Go on, make your wish. Anything you want."

Niko: [thinks for a second] "Oh, yeah, I have a wish. Set me free."

 

Pegorino: "What? Are you serious? You're so useful to us."

Niko: "You see, the thing is that I don't wanna be a bad guy anymore. I've had enough."

 

Pegorino: [sighs] "Okay, then. I'm just sad to see you go offline like that." [shakes hands with Niko] "Goodbye, Niko Bellic."

Niko: "Whatever." [Pegorino and his men leave.]

 

[Niko rigs the entire ship with bombs and jumps off the ship with a huge explosion ensuing, like in the "Move Up, Ladies" tralier of the game.]

[Cue Seryoga's "King Ring".]

Better than the actual "A Dish Served Cold".

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12 hours ago, Fake Lilina said:

Better than the actual "A Dish Served Cold".

It's a custom standalone ending, actually. I didn't base it off that one.

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AIcatraz

Title: Fender BBQ
Type: Ruined existing GTA scene

 

Spoiler

[CJ arrives at the White Feltzer which Johnny was tied to, Johnny was tied right side up, requested by him.]

"W-Who are you? Let me go you bastard!" Johnny said, as he tried to get out of the ropes.
"Nah.. I think you'll stay right where you are" CJ giggled, as he started up the car and drove out of the garage

[CJ and Johnny speed around The Strip as Young Turks plays on the radio.. Johnny remembers he had the new x-tra spicy Cluckin' Bell 15-piece bucket, and along with the fear factor of CJ accidentally crashing and making him die.]

"Oh god! Let me go!" Johnny screamed in panic, as he felt the spiciness come into play
"Nuh-uh mista, tell me who yo working for." CJ said, not knowing what was about to unfold
"Oh no.. IM GONNA sh*t MY PANTS! OH GOD!"

[Johnny drops the bomb right on the Feltzers windshield, The car and johnny's pants turned brown in a minute]

"Awh hell, what the f*ck you been eating?" CJ Tried to control the car without crashing, Johnny and his sh*t were covering the windshield

"The X-TRA Spicy Cluckin' Bell 15-piece bucket you idiot!" Johnny screams
"OH NOH!" CJ screams as he crashes the car into a Bullet, causing Johnny to fly out of his ropes and fall on the asphalt with a broken tooth

[Johnny gets up limping and runs away]

"Damn! Woozie aint gonna be happy."
 

[Woozie calls CJ]

"Where are you CJ? Youre taking too long.."
"Yeah uhm.. Johnny escaped and you have a nice new brown paint job on your hood."
"Okay.. fine.. one of my goons have already found who is messing with us, Just come back with the car"
"You are saying that i passed through all of that for nuthin'? Ah you all f*cked up Woozie."

[CJ hangs up and the mission passes, However CJ doesnt gain any money.]

(im sorry if this is weird, it came up on my head when i was playing Fender Ketchup and heard johnny say he was gonna sh*t himself, i'll make another one soon.)

 

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wise_man
On 12/13/2020 at 9:19 PM, Staunton Assassin said:
  Hide contents

Title: IV Ending III

Type: Ruined custom GTA scene

 

Transcript:

 

[Niko is brushing teeth while squatting over the edge of the fountain in Middle Park.]

Niko: "How to kill Dimitri without angering Pegorino?" [a ridiculously huge light bulb falls on him] "BRAINSTORM!"

 

[Niko goes to Dimitri's ship in East Hook and approaches the ship's gangplank, wearing a fake mustache.]

Russian: "Stop!" [beat] "You look friendly, in you go."

Niko: [shrugs] "Okay." [goes up the ship's gangplank and heads up to the ship's bridge.]

 

[Niko enters the bridge to find Dimitri inside.]

Niko: [closes the door and locks it] "Well, hello, Mr. Rascal!..." [in a very low tone of voice] "Ov."

Dimitri: "Niko Bellic?! DIE!"

 

Niko: "Elders first!" [shoves an entire bottle of laxative down Dimitri's throat.]

Dimitri: [instantly disappears and reappears on one of the toilets in the ship's bathrooms.]

 

Niko: [calls Jimmy Pegorino] "Hello, Mr. Pegorino?" [Pegorino instantly appears next to him] "Nevermind." [hangs up the phone and takes Pegorino to Dimitri] "Mr. Pegorino..." [kicks open the toilet stall Dimitri is in] "THIS IS YOUR RAT!"

Pegorino: "What?!"

 

Niko: "Yes. And the deal he was going to make with you was just a lie so he can kill me!"

Pegorino: [grabs Dimitri by his collar] "Oh, so you're the rat who's responsible for the downfall of the Pegorinos?!"

 

Dimitri: [totally wrecked up] "Yeah... I-I mean, NO!"

Pegorino: "Niko, kill this rat!"

 

Niko: [pulls out a Desert Eagle] "With pleasure, boss."

Dimitri: [as Niko loads the gun up] "Oh, sh-" [gets shot right in the center of his forehead.]

 

[Pegorino's mobsters attack the ship, kill all of the Russian mobsters and take over Dimitri's cargo with zero casualties, thanks to Niko's help.]

Pegorino: "Great work, Niko. Thanks to you, we have it all for free. Here's your payday." [hands Niko $250,000] "Go on, make your wish. Anything you want."

Niko: [thinks for a second] "Oh, yeah, I have a wish. Set me free."

 

Pegorino: "What? Are you serious? You're so useful to us."

Niko: "You see, the thing is that I don't wanna be a bad guy anymore. I've had enough."

 

Pegorino: [sighs] "Okay, then. I'm just sad to see you go offline like that." [shakes hands with Niko] "Goodbye, Niko Bellic."

Niko: "Whatever." [Pegorino and his men leave.]

 

[Niko rigs the entire ship with bombs and jumps off the ship with a huge explosion ensuing, like in the "Move Up, Ladies" tralier of the game.]

[Cue Seryoga's "King Ring".]

This ending is so hilarious and perfect at the same time.

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Evil empire
Spoiler

 

Title: The meeting and the business place

 

Type: Ruined existing GTA scene

 

Transcript: [CJ and Ken Rosenberg are in the abattoir when Johnny Sindacco sees them.]

 

CJ: -Hey Johnny I discovered something while watching TV lately; if you remove the first letter of a slaughterhouse it becomes a laughterhouse!

 

[Johnny and the others Sindaccos laugh out loud until Johnny succumbs to a heart stroke.]

 

CJ: -Guys are you really that stupid to think you would save your boss by taking him to an abattoir?

 

[The Sindaccos all take a butcher knife]

 

CJ: -Why did you all take a butcher knife?!

Sindacco mobster: -We've decided to show you we are clever.

CJ: -Hum................right but the thing you hold in your hands is a CLEAVER.

 

[The Sindaccos look at each other visiby miffed by their own foolishness and lower their heads.

CJ says something to the Sindaccos, the mafiosis then exit the abattoir to be shot dead by the police.]

 

Ken: -What the hell?!

CJ:- I told them they will have to cope with their stupidity unless they find a leader and now the cops filled their bodies with lead bullets.

Ken: -And now what do you do?

CJ: -We get out of here before these fools' corpses smell too foul.

Ken:- CJ did you ever think about becoming a humorist?

CJ: -No. Why?

Ken: -You have a certain taste for the puns and nonsense.

CJ: -What makes you say it?

Ken: -Nevermind.

 

 

Edited by Evil empire
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Spoiler

Title: The Sleepy Deal

Type: Ruined existing GTA scene

 

Transcript:
 

[Tommy, Harry, Lee and Ken arrive at the meeting place in Viceport in Ken's silver Admiral.]

[Vic and Lance arrive in a black Maverick. Vic exits the helicopter with two suitcases and begins approaching Tommy.]

 

[Tommy, Harry and Lee exit the Admiral and approach Vic.]

Tommy: "Got it?"

Vic: "One-hundred precent pure, grade-A Colombian, my friend!"

 

Tommy: "Lemme see it!"

Vic: "The greens?"

 

Tommy: "Tens and twenties, used!" [Harry and Lee each open a suitcase full of money and show it to Vic.]

Vic: [notices Leo, Eugene and Moweesha hiding behind the crates, ready to attack] "I think it's nap time, my friend!" [laughs.]

 

[Leo, Eugene and Moweesha open fire on Tommy, Harry, Lee and Vic, who immediately collapse at the same time as if they got shot. When in truth, they're perfectly fine and just sleeping.]

Leo: "Wait, did we just get 'em all in one shot?"

Eugene: "Forget that, get the money!"

 

Moweesha: "And get the product! The boss is gonna be waiting!"

Lance: [exits the helicopter] "Not so fast! You think you can outsmart the Lance T. Vance, punk?!"

 

[Leo, Eugene and Moweesha look at one another.]

Lance: [walks up to the driver side door of Ken's Admiral] "Yo', turn up Flash FM, Ken!"

Ken: "Alright then." [tunes into Flash FM. "Billie Jean" by Micheal Jackson starts playing] "My God, this is great!" [starts bashing his head into the steering wheel along to the song.]

 

Lance: "A'ight, ladies, THIS IS THE LANCE VANCE DANCE!" [does a completely out-of-sync Lance Vance Dance to "Billie Jean" and the constantly blaring horn of Ken's Admiral.]

Tommy: [facepalms while sleeping and whispering] "Vic, man, your brother's an idiot!"

 

Vic: [sleeping and whispering] "Well, tell me about it! I've been carrying him for years."

Leo, Eugene and Moweesha: [watch Lance dance to "Billie Jean" and the Admiral's horn and feel very annoyed.]

 

Leo: [heavily irritated] "What-" [eye twitches.]

Eugene: [more irritated than Leo] "-is-" [feels disgusted.]

 

Moweesha: [more irritated than Eugene] "-this creature?!" [grabs his hair] "WAAARGH!" [starts bashing his head into a nearby crate until he dies.]

Lance: [singing] "And the Billie Jean went to market!" [while maintaining the singing pace] "Hey, what the fish? How was that bit again?"

 

Eugene: "AAAH! This guy doesn't even know the lyrics! I QUIT!" [runs away but falls off the dock and into the water where he drowns.]

Leo: "NOOOOOOOOO! EUGENE! MOWEESHA!" [falls on knees in front of Lance] "Kill me! But don't torture me with the Lance Vance Dance!"

 

[Tommy, Harry, Lee and Vic get up and start doing the Lance Vance Dance with Lance. Ken also exits his car and joins Tommy, Harry, Lee, Vic and Lance in doing the Lance Vance Dance.]

BMODK: [a dock worker] "It's okay, Ken, I've got your post!" [gets into Ken's Admiral and starts doing the head bashing into the steering wheel for him.]

Leo: "Okay, okay, I'LL TALK! I'LL TALK!" [Everyone stops doing whatever they were doing.]

 

Tommy: "Go on, then!"

Leo: [insert very fast speech here] "This is all I can tell you. The last thing that's left right now is the size of my underwear. Wanna know that?"

 

Tommy: "No need. 'Cause we all already know that too!" [everyone laughs.]

Leo: "AAH! Then you're real dangerous people, man! I hate my life!" [pulls out a huge Chainsaw from the tiny pocket on the front of his T-shirt and chops his own head off.]

 

Tommy: "Well, that's about it. Now, Vic, take the cash and get out of here. I'll take care of Diaz and Gonzalez."

Vic: "Okay, you take the stuff and get out of here too."

 

[Tommy, Harry, Lee and Ken take the stuff while Vic and Lance take the cash and part ways from the situation in their respective vehicles.]

Vic: "You know, Lance, you did something good for once. I always used to think you was a fool. But today, you really proved yourself, man. Great work."

Lance: "Gee, thanks, bro! Now let's get back to our farm in Panama."

 

[Vic and Lance fly off into the night with "Gold" by Spandau Ballet playing on the helicopter's radio.]

BMODK: [walks up to Leo's beheaded dead body] "Careful, the docks is a dangerous place!"

 

[The camera cuts to Sonny at Marco's Bistro in Liberty City. Sonny's brick cellphone rings.]

Sonny: [answers the call] "HEEEY, TOMMY!" [Sonny's brick cellphone suddenly turns out to be the Explosive Phone from HITMAN and explodes, beheading him.]

 

[The camera cuts to Diaz inside his mansion's office in Vice City. Diaz is pretending to be Tony Montana by badly copying him in every way possible.]

Diaz: [his antique deskphone rings] "Hello?" [the antique deskphone suddenly turns out to be the Electric Phone from HITMAN and sets Diaz' head on fire, somehow beheading him.]

 

[The camera cuts to Gonzalez at his penthouse in Vice Point.]

Gonzalez: [accidentally steps on a conveniently placed skateboard] "WHOA!" [the skateboard rides straight into the balcony and sends Gonzalez flying a zillion miles per hour into the air.]

 

[Fifteen years of flying later...]

 

[Gonzalez finally lands into the open ocean, with nothing but water for at least a zillion miles.]

Gonzalez: "Well, at least I'm alive!" [gets run over and beheaded by a random dude surfing around.]

 

[Back in Vice City, where the year is still 1986 and Tommy has become the undisputed king of the city with Ken as his lawyer and Harry, Lee, Diaz' goon Mike and the other unnamed goon of Diaz as his sidekicks.]

Edited by Staunton Assassin
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Americana

Title: Pulling Therapists

 

Dr Friedlander: Let it all out.

 

Tonya: JB... look, JB gonna lose everything. He gonna lose the house, y’know what I’m sayin’? 

 

Dr Friedlander: And what about you?

 

Tonya:  Well, y’know, I quit. Y’know what I’m sayin’? Almost...

 

Dr Friedlander: And you consider that an achievement?

 

Tonya: I told you, I don’t do that sh*t no more. I mean, I baby-dose now and again, just for the taste, but I’m doin’ good, boo, your eyes don’t lie.

 

Dr Friedlander: Oh, well I, think that's all we have time for. Same time next week?

 

Tonya:  We both know you always been sweet on me, sh*t.

 

Dr Friedlander: Well, a sense of overriding futility is a vital part of the process. Embrace it.

Edited by Americana
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  • 2 weeks later...
Spoiler

Title: "The Made Man"

Type:" Ruined existing GTA scene"

Transcript:

JD:" where's Salvatore"

Salvatore:" here I am sorry I was taking a piss behind the crusher. Now let's get you made HAHA"

[They do the famous Leone rituals]

Toni: "congratulations ,JD 

You deserve it, buddy"

Mickey: "Congratulations you ass kisser HAHA"

JD :*sheds a tear* "thanks, guys"

 

Edited by DR:BUSTA
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Americana

Title: Introduction

 

(Claude, Catalina and Miguel rob a bank in Liberty City)

 

Catalina: I'm sorry baby, but I'm an ambitious girl... and you're just a small time...

 

(Catalina proceeds to shoot Claude but the gun is jammed)

 

Catalina: What the...

 

(Claude hits Catalina in the face, takes the money and run away)

 

Miguel: Catalina, what happened? Where's the dough?

 

Catalina: ... Don't ever speak to me.


(2 years has passed and Catalina calls Claude)

 

Claude: ...?

 

Catalina: PIG!

 

Claude: :) 

 

 

 

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  • 3 weeks later...
Spoiler

Title: STICK THIS UP YOUR NOSE!
Type: Ruined existing GTA scene

 

Transcript:

 

[Snakehead's container ship. San Fierro Bay. 00:00. Foggy weather combined with LCS snowfall particle effects.]
[CJ sneaks through a ridiculously huge, overly complex and totally twisted maze of rusty containers in the dark and cold hull which is so big that it doesn't even fit within the ship's exterior.]

 

[CJ is wearing nothing except for a white T-shirt, a pair of blue jeans and a pair of sandals.]
[CJ is overall skinny, wearing a pair of Night-Vision Goggles, has no tattoos and has a freshly-shaved bald head.]

 

[CJ has a ridiculously very huge variety of melee weapons, kitchenware, mops, buckets, mentally-unstable chickens, steel urns, plastic urns, marble urns, Teargas and Spray Can.]
[CJ uses whatever he has to steathily either get past, knock unconscious or take out each and every one of Snakehead's men he can find and/or see.]

 

[CJ also uses burping and farting to distract any stationary or patrolling DNBs 1, 2, 3 and 4 and uses shadows to stay out of sight, even though there's no light in the hull.]
CJ: [sneaking around and making Manhunt-like music with his mouth because there's no budget for licensing the actual Manhunt soundtrack] "Dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun..."

 

[CJ sees two patrolling guards, DNB1 and DNB3, hides behind a crate and farts to get DNB1's attention.]
DNB1: "Hey! Who's there?" [goes to where CJ is hiding but finds nobody there] "What the-" [shrugs] "Meh." [turns around and sees CJ standing right behind him] "Huh?!" [gets flying-kicked in the face.]
CJ: [whispering while hiding the dead DNB1 behind the crate] "Yeah, boy, this is CJ kicking y'all in your-" [stops] "Uh... face!" [sneaks off] "Yeah-yeah-yeah, that's it, that's it..."

 

[CJ works his way through the elaborate maze, clearing out all of Snakehead's men, and eventually manages to find the path leading to the end of the maze.]
CJ: [sees the silhouette of a man standing at the end of the path] "Whoa... Are you The Ghost of The Howling Hairless Cat from Moms' latest controversial ghost story 'Fear the Half-Cat-Half-Human-Thing 2'?"
The silhouette: [with very thick East Asian accent and heavy lisp] "No... I am-" [pulls out a torch, turns it on and puts it near his face as if he was going to tell a ghost story.]

 

[The silhouette turns out to be a DNB2. Thunder rages hard outside as if it was going to rain, even though it's foggy and snowing at the same time already.]
DNB2: "HA-HA! Nice work getting here, black boy!" [pulls out a Grenade] "STICK THIS UP YOUR NOSE!" [throws the Grenade at CJ.]

 

[The Grenade flies towards CJ's shiny bald head in overly extreme slow motion while the rest of the universe remains in normal speed.]
CJ: [freaks out] "Holy bedsheet!" [starts running around in circles like a total retard] "What do I do? What do I do?! WHAT DO I DO?!?" [suddenly stops, gets an idea and mans up] "Oh?! Is that so?!"

 

[CJ reaches into his jeans' front-left pocket with his left hand, pulls out his wallet, opens it and pulls out a Baseball Bat with his right hand.]
CJ: [closes the wallet and puts it back into his jeans' front-left pocket] "A'ight, then!"

 

[CJ "takes aim" with the Baseball Bat and "locks onto" the flying-in-extremely-slow-motion Grenade.]
CJ: [finally hits the Grenade after it finally reaches him a bunch of centuries later] "HOME RUN!" [the Grenade zooms back to DNB2 at the speed of at least a zillion miles per neo.]
DNB2: [pulls out a baseball glove, puts it on his right hand and starts running around in circles like a total idiot] "I GOT IT! I GOT IT! I GOT IT!" [suddenly stops and realizes] "Oh, bedsheet!"

 

[DNB2 crouches. The Grenade bounces off the container behind him and falls into the back of his pants.]
DNB2: [gets up] "HA-HA! You failed, black boy!" [starts dancing around in circles like a fool] "No one can take out DNB2!-"

 

[The screen instantly turns full white with a very loud, ear-breaking 2D explosion sound playing.]
[The screen slowly fades out from white, taking about five seconds or so, to show a completely charred DNB2 lying face down on the floor, seemingly dead.]

 

[DNB2's clothes are ripped up, his shoes are broken, his hair are burnt and at least 75% of his teeth are gone.]
DNB2: [suddenly lifts his head up and laughs like a retard with lots of missing teeth] "HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH!" [suddenly drops his head, dead.]
CJ: [laughs while walking on the path] "Yeah, who's failed now, batch?!" [reaches the end of the path and sees a distinct, fresh-looking locked container sitting in the left corner] "Hmm..."

 

[CJ approaches the container and notices the huge padlock on it's doors.]
OMOBOAT A.K.A. Boat School Instructor Guy: [inside the container, offscreen] "Hey! You there!"
CJ: [freaks out] "AAAH!" [runs away like the busta he is.]

 

OMOBOAT: [offscreen] "We're not ghosts! Come back!"
CJ: [comes back] "Oh, a'ight, then. What you want? And what you doin' in there?"

 

OMOBOAT: [offscreen] "We need YOU to help us! Get us out of here! We can't breathe! We only have a few minutes to live!"
CJ: "Well, what's in it for me?"

 

OMOBOAT: [offscreen] "We will pay you $15,000! So go and find some way to break that stupid padlock!"
CJ: [thinks for a century or so] "Okay." [leaves, going offscreen.]

 

[CJ comes back flying with a kick straight to the padlock. CJ's left foot hits the padlock and breaks.]
CJ: "OOF! My foot!" [realizes he's stuck in mid-air] "Uh-oh." [falls and gets up] "I gotta think of something better."

 

[The scene cuts to CJ using two Heat-Seeking Rocket Launchers at the same time, lobbing tons of rockets on the padlock.]
CJ: [waits for the smoke to clear, the padlock is still undamaged] "What the- Oh, well..." [throws the Heat-Seeking Rocket Launchers away and grabs a Flamethrower] "Burn up, baby!"

 

[CJ fries the padlock with the Flamethrower, but it doesn't break.]
CJ: [facepalms] "Okay, now I'm mad!" [takes a Minigun and turns the padlock into literal swiss cheese. BUT IT IS STILL LOCKED] "Huh?!"

 

[CJ looks at the padlock with a very huge WTF expression on his face and his jaw dropped all the way to the seafloor.]
CJ: [sighs] "Hold on, though, I got one last idea..." [limps off with a broken left foot.]

 

[The scene cuts to CJ getting out of the hull to find out it's also both rainy and smoggy alongside being both foggy and snowy.]
CJ: [makes a very huge WTF expression] "Man, this weird weather's starting get on my nerves..." [takes off the Night-Vision Goggles] "It looks even weirder with this night-vision bedsheet."

 

[CJ fights his way through the rest of the ship, taking out all of Snakehead's remaining men with a Rocket Launcher, and finds the Snakehead on the bridge of the ship.]
Snakehead A.K.A. OMOKUNG: [wielding two Katanas] "Enough! We-"
CJ: [grabs the Snakehead by his face with his left hand's palm all over the Snakehead's face and yanks him off] "Shut the fish up, man!"

 

[CJ takes the Snakehead to the locked container, holds him like a rifle and bashes him headfirst into the padlock at least a thousand times, killing him and unlocking the doors.]
CJ: [opening the doors] "A'ight, so how much cash we were talking?" [finds OMOBOAT and two OMOSTs lying dead inside] "Ah, man." [facepalms.]

 

MISSION BROKEN!
NOTHING +
You kinda "passed"-ish the mission but you spent too much time on thinking about the money offer so you get nothing. Next time, try and hurry up about it!

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  • 1 month later...

Update:

 

- Added a huge topic title in the OP like in my mods' topics.

 

And to kick things off again, here's a new ruined scene!

Spoiler

Title: Deal Ending - Enhanced XBOX Series X/S Edition
Type: Ruined existing GTA scene

 

Transcript:

 

[Niko, Roman and Mallorie exit the wedding place. Blah, blah, blah...]
94: [sneaks up to Niko from behind] "Are you Niko Bellic?"
Niko: [turns around] "Nah. What is it, though?"

 

94: "I have been sent to eliminate a certain Niko Bellic here today. My employer is Dimitri Rascalov."
Niko: "Oh, really? How much have you been paid?"

 

94: "That would be $125,000, to be precise."
Niko: [hands 94 a small sack] "Here's double the money. $250,000. Go and assassinate him for me."

 

94: "All right!" [runs off.]
Roman: "Niko, what did you do?! We needed that money to retire in Vice City!"

 

Niko: [laughs] "Just watch, cousin."
Roman: "The bowling marathon?" [Niko facepalms.]

 

[Cut to 94 walking up to Dimitri at the ship in East Hook.]
94: [holds Dimitri at gunpoint with a Desert Eagle] "Sorry, Mr. Rascalov, but you have to go."
Dimitri: "What? BUT WHY?!"

 

94: "Because of THIS!" [shows Dimitri the contents of the sack.]
Dimitri: [freaks out] "What the hell?!" [The nuclear warhead inside it goes off.]

 

[The ship blows up and starts sinking Titanic-style in slow motion while all of Dimitri's men run around in circles on the boat like crazy.]
Roman: [watching from the street with a ridiculously huge makeshift periscope] "Oh, now I get it! Later, cousin!" [calls a taxi and rides off with Mallorie in it.]
Niko: "Finally, all taken care of." [tries to walk away but bumps into Kate] "Kate?"

 

Kate: [upset] "I hope you're enjoying your dirty money, mister."
Niko: [sighs] "Look, blame Roman, okay? It was his idea."

 

Kate: "Okay, so you didn't sell your principles?"
Niko: "No. In fact, I sent him on a permanent vacation and my contract with my current boss and his organization is over, so I'm clean now."

 

Kate: "Really?"
Niko: "Yes. So, would you like to have the buffet? All the foods are your favorite ones!"

 

MISSION PASSED!
ROMAN +
BOWLING +
KATE +

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  • 1 month later...
Posted (edited)

This thread really needs a revival, do cooperate if you can.

Spoiler

Title: Knowing Jack-Bedsheet

Type: Ruined existing GTA scene

 

Transcript:

 

[Johnny calls Stubbs/Stubbs calls Johnny/whatever that floats your boat.]

Stubbs: "I'd like you to help me get some info on the Deputy Mayor. His car's over in Westdyke. You need to take it over to a garage on Muskteer to be fitted with surveillance equipment. You can drive cars as well, yes?"

 

Johnny: "Nope."

Stubbs: "Now that is awkward. Thanks for the heads up, sport." [hangs up. If the call was made by Johnny, then he hangs up instead.]

 

Mission Failed?

Edited by H-G
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  • 3 weeks later...
Posted (edited)

Title: Retarded Holiday
Type: Ruined existing GTA scene

 

Transcript:

 

[Johnny, Ashley and some Ruskie in Ashley's apartment. Take #1]
Johnny: "I'm not in the kidnapping business, dude."
Ruskie: "Well, me neither, it's our boss Dimitri Rascalov who makes us do retarded things!" [smiles like an idiot.]

 

[Take #2]

 

Johnny: "I'm not in the kidnapping business, dude."
Ruskie: "My father was a butcher, do you know that?"

 

[Insert TV static transition]

 

[Johnny enters some car with Malc. Take #1]
Malc: "You can drive?"
Johnny: "Watch and learn." [tries to start the car, but there's no petrol in it which costs like $200 per liter and Johnny's broke AF.]

 

[Take #2]

 

Malc: "You can drive?"
Johnny: "Watch and learn." [starts the car and reverses straight into Bryce Dawkins' Infernus.]

 

[Take #3, DELETED SCENE]

 

[Johnny and Malc ride a unicycle into a lamppost.]

 

[Insert TV static transition]

 

[Johnny and Malc arrive outside the Memory Lanes bowling alley in Broker. Take #1]
Johnny: "All right, look out for a guy in a tracksuit."

 

[Niko and Roman exit the place. Niko is wearing a tracksuit and Roman is wearing his wedding suit.]
Niko: "How did the game end with a tie?"
Roman: "I think we've played so much bowling here that their systems have broken! If I was ever in the IT field, cousin, I'd make a game called Bellic Enterprises Presents Bowling Simulator 2008!"

 

Niko: [laughs] "Yeah, with me as the main guy!"
Roman: "And Dimitri Rascalov as the bad guy!" [the two KEKW to death, Johnny facepalms.]

 

[Take #2]

 

[Johnny and Malc exit the car and grab Niko.]
Niko: [in Serbian] "You picked the wrong man, fool!"
Malc: "We barely understand English, so shut up!" [throws Niko into the backseat through the back-right passenger door.]

 

Niko: [moves onto the driver seat] "Thanks for the car!" [drives away.]
Johnny: [WTF.]

 

[Take #3]

 

[Johnny and Malc drive towards Bohan with Niko.]
Niko: "Hey, I recognize you! You're Johnny, the big bad biker man!"
Johnny: "How come you know me? I don't know you."

 

Niko: [puts on his default head model] "How about now?"
Johnny: "Whoa! Niko Bellic, the deranged Slav?!"

 

Malc: "The what now?"

 

[Cut to the car falling off the bridge to Bohan while Niko yells "AAAAAAAAAH! MOTHERFISHERS!" and epically beats up Johnny and Malc.]

 

[Insert TV static transition]

 

[Johnny and Malc happily let the Ruskie shoot Ashley in the head.]

 

MISSION PASSED IN ONE TAKE!

Edited by H-G
  • KEKW 2
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  • 3 weeks later...

Title: Retarded GSF Stockup
Type: Ruined existing GTA scene

 

Transcript:

 

[CJ and Ryder flee from the National Guard in LB's van. Take #1]
Ryder: "A'ight, check it out! Sound the crate, I'll throw a horn at 'em!"
CJ: "What?!" [Cut to Ryder hysterically throwing tons of horns at the National Guard.]

 

[TV static]

 

[Take #2]
Ryder: "Throw the horn, I'll sound a crate at 'em!"
CJ: "Aw, man!" [rams his head into the steering wheel.]

 

[TV static]

 

[Take #3]
Ryder: "Throw a crate, I'll sound the horn at 'em!"
CJ: "This straight bullbedsheet!" [bails out of the van.]

 

Ryder: [sees the passing damn train on the railway crossing up ahead] "Aw man, NOO!" [the van stops 1mm before the train] "Ooo-wee! Thank God for-"
Big Smoke: [offscreen] "LOOK THE FISH OUT, CJ, THE RYDER!"

 

Ryder: "Did I hear somethin'?" [looks to his left to see Busta CJ and Big Smoke riding a yellow Sanchez STRAIGHT towards the van] "AAAAAAAAAH!"
Busta CJ: "Get outta the way, fool!" [crashes STRAIGHT into the van, blowing everything up.]

 

Big Smoke: [charred, clothes ripped up, teeth broken and flying miles away into the sky with Busta CJ] "Hey CJ, guess what?"
Busta CJ: [with same damage as Smoke] "What?"

 

Big Smoke: "WE AIN'T DEAD AND YOUR TRIGGER-FINGER STILL WORKS, FOOL!" [laughs like a retard.]
Ryder: [same Smoke treatment, coughs] "Don't expect me to follow the damn train..."

 

[TV static]

 

[Take #4, DELETED SCENE]
Ryder: "Sound the horn, I'll throw a tractor at 'em!"

CJ: [slightly TOUCHES the horn.]
National Guard: [get spammed with about 20011027 tractors.]

 

[Take #5: Ryder unleashes Niko Bellic on the National Guard who epically beats them all up while yelling "AAAAAAAAAH, MOTHERFISHERS!" in slow motion.]

 

[CUT!]

 

[Ryder's house kitchen. Tenpenny, Pulaski, Hernandez, Ryder and CJ. Take #1]
Tenpenny: "Mornin', boys!"
Ryder: [cooking (INSERT PLACEHOLDER FOOD NAME HERE UNTIL THE AUTHOR COMES UP WITH SOMETHING)] "Man, who you calling a 'boy', fool?"

 

Tenpenny: "What should I call you? Granddad?"
Pulaski: [KEKW.]

 

[TV static]

 

[Take #2]
Tenpenny: "Mmm, smells good! What's cooking?"
Ryder: [very VERY VERY long pause] "YOU!" [grabs Tenpenny and Pulaski and stuffs them into the pot] "DIE DIE DIE!" [throws in an actual truck full of random spices.]

 

Hernandez: [calmly walks away like nothing ever happened.]
Ryder: "Ha, I bet that fool wasn't involved with these fools!" [leans against the stove knob, which sets the stove on "NUKE" and results in the entire kitchen getting nuked off the planet.]

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  • KEKW 2
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  • 2 weeks later...
Wayne Kerr
Spoiler

Title: Don't keep your friends too close

 

Type: Ruined existing GTA scene

 

Transcript:

 

Sonny: You know, Tommy? I did what I could for you, I pulled strings, called in favors. I was your friend, Tommy. I hoped you'd see sense, see what's good for business. I trusted you, Tommy, and you disappointed me. But at least someone in your chicken sh*t organization knows how to do business.

 

Instead of dramatically going to stand next to Sonny, Lance silently sneaks behind Tommy while he's distracted by Sonny and shoots him in the back of the head. 

 

Blood and brains splatter all over Sonny's suit

 

Rosenberg : It looks like you ruined your suit! And Sonny, that was a beautiful suit! Wait what, this wasn't how... AIIIIIIIIIII

 

Vic's Ghost appears: LAAAAAAAAAANCE, YOU PRICK! 

 

Lance: does the Lance Vance Dance

 

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psxdriverplayer
Spoiler

Title: Claude looking for trouble

 

Type: Custom scenario

 

 

Transcript:

 

[Claude approaching Colombian Cartel]

 

[Cartel members notice Claude and approach him]

 

Cartel member says "You looking for trouble, gringo?"

 

Claude says "Yeah, can you show me the place where's some of that?"

 

[Cartel members lead Claude to an area where's "trouble"]

 

[Claude says "Thanks" and heads towards it]

 

  • KEKW 2
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