Moses (my own adaptation)

[Bratva Assassin]

Welcome to my second biblical story adaptation! Please don’t point out any inaccuracies because it’s just my own adaptation. Once again, I am fully open to criticism, but ONLY if it’s constructive! Enjoy,

 

It was 400 years after the story of Joseph and his brothers.

 

The Israelites were being held in slavery by the Egyptians.

 

There was a Hebrew woman named Jochebed, who had a daughter named Miriam, and two sons named Aaron and Moses.

 

As the pharaoh, Seti was throwing Hebrew babies into the Nile River, Jochebed put her baby son, Moses, into a covered basket and gently set him in the river. She cried upon doing so.

 

The basket flowed all the way down the river and eventually ended up by a palace. The pharaoh’s wife named Tuya and his young son named Rameses found the basket and opened it up.

 

“It’s a baby boy. Let’s take him in. Come along, Rameses” said Tuya.

 

As Moses grew up, he became a prince of Egypt.

 

One day, Moses and Rameses were running a race against each other.

 

“Second born, second place!” said Rameses.

 

“Oh, we’ll see about that!” said Moses.

 

The two of them ran very past fast the magicians named Jannes and Jambres.

 

They stopped as they were told.

 

“What’s the meaning of this? You almost knocked us over!” said Jannes.

 

“Did you two see a scorpion, spider, or something along those lines?” asked Jambres.

 

“No. We were just racing. That’s all” answered Rameses.

 

“Exactly! It was an accident. We swear!” said Moses.

 

“It better be!” said Jannes.

 

“Being comedians and magicians, we thought you’d be able to take a joke a little better” said Rameses.

 

“You two may outrank us but you don’t outrank your father. We’ll talk to him about your behavior and sarcasm, and see how he thinks of it” said Jambres.

 

Moses and Rameses were later taken to Seti, who said “I’m disappointed in you two. Especially, you, Rameses. Since you will be the future pharaoh of Egypt, you don’t need to behave so foolishly for one weak link will destroy the entire nation”.

 

“Don’t be too hard on him” said Moses.

 

“You’re the younger, Moses, so you’ll always just be a prince. It’s a bigger deal that he’s involved in such reckless behavior than you are. There’s a royal banquet tonight! Don’t be late!” said Seti.

 

Moses and Rameses arrived at the royal banquet just in time.

 

Rameses announced Moses as the long lived prince of Egypt and gave him a ring. After Moses put on the ring, Jannes and Jambres offered Rameses a concubine from the land of Midian, who had her hands bound.

 

She shouted “Let me go!”

 

“Wow! She appears to be a bit feisty” said Rameses.

 

As the woman was about to strike her fists at Rameses, Moses said “Calm down! You realize you’re about to take on a future pharaoh of Egypt, right?”

 

“Listen, I’m not taking orders from a royal palace brat!” she said.

 

Rameses then pushed her down and she gave him an angry look then ran away.

 

While Rameses laughed at her, Moses had an embarrassed look on his face.

 

He ran out of the banquet hall and into his bedroom, only to find a man and two dogs tied up.

 

He gasped then continued following the woman, whom he saw secretly leave past two guards.

 

Moses then told the guards about what was in his room so they went there.

 

As he went outside the palace, he found Miriam and Aaron getting water. They both shouted his name.

 

“Yeah, I’m Moses, the prince of Egypt. What’s it to you, slaves?” he said.

 

“You are one of us, our brother who was sent down the Nile by our mother for your own safety” said Miriam.

 

“How dare you insult me like that! I’m an Egyptian, NOT an Israelite!” said Moses.

 

“It’s the truth!” said Miriam.

 

“No, it isn’t! Keep speaking of this drivel and I’ll have you both executed!” said Moses.

 

“Miriam, he doesn’t get it. I think we should be on our way” said Aaron.

 

Moses walked away from them and back into his room.

 

His dogs both licked him and he petted them.

 

He also took a look at some hieroglyphics on the wall, resembling the Israelites being conquered by the Egyptians.

 

He left his room and saw pictures on the wall of Seti throwing Hebrew babies into the Nile.

 

He knelt down at the pictures and began crying.

 

Seti found him and said “What are you doing up so late, son?”

 

“How could you, Father? How could you commit such atrocities?” said Moses.

 

“They’re slaves, son, not people. It’s been a tradition for 400 years now” said Seti.

 

“Why can’t we just end this tradition?” asked Moses.

 

“Because it won’t please the gods” answered Seti.

 

Moses then walked outside of the palace and sat down.

 

Tuya sat down next to him and asked “What’s the matter?”

 

“My whole life is a lie! My family are Israelites!” answered Moses.

 

“Don’t believe that nonsense! You are an Egyptian just like us and we are your true family. Who told you this?” asked Tuya.

 

“Some slave woman” answered Moses.

 

“Trust me, you wouldn’t trust a slave over your own family, would you?” asked Tuya.

 

“I guess not” answered Moses weakly.

 

“That’s what I thought. Now get to bed” said Tuya.

 

The next day, Moses walked outside and found Miriam, Aaron, and an elderly Israelite doing hard work.

 

The elderly Israelite was being whipped and yelled at by an Egyptian.

 

“Stop that!” yelled Miriam.

 

“You don’t tell me what to do, slave! If you want to defend him for being lazy, perhaps you can join him in the beating” the Egyptian yelled at her.

 

That caught the eye of Moses, so he angrily ran up to the Egyptian and punched him in the face multiple times while saying “Why don’t you whip someone who will fight back?”

 

The Egyptian then gave Moses an angry look while breathing heavily and said “Just wait till the pharaoh hears about this!”

 

“I’m leaving! I’m done being an oppressor!” said Moses.

 

He ran away, taking off all of his royal clothing, leaving himself in rags.

 

He then began to grow tired while walking through the desert.

 

That was until he shouted at two Egyptians to leave two girls alone.

 

They ran away as he did so.

 

The same woman from the land of Midian showed up.

 

“Hey! I remember you!” she said.

 

“Likewise” said Moses.

 

“You were that Egyptian prince who berated me” said the woman.

 

Moses explained how he realized his true origins then introduced himself to her.

 

“My name is Zipporah” she said.

 

Zipporah introduced Moses to her father, Jethro.

 

“You’ve done a very brave deed. I heard from my daughter, though, that you were initially a prince of Egypt, likely denoting that you grew up pagan. Therefore, I’ll teach you God’s word” said Jethro.

 

Moses began learning all about God through Jethro.

 

As he was attending sheep, one sheep got distracted by something so he followed it.

 

The sheep led him to a burning bush.

 

Moses went near it though the sheep ran away as it began calling his name.

 

“Yes. I’m here. What is it?” asked Moses.

 

The burning bush responded with “I am the Lord, God. I have chosen you to convince the pharaoh to let the Israelites go free”.

 

“But how? I’m just one man” said Moses.

 

“With me on your side, anything is possible. For example, take this staff” said God.

 

A snake appeared and as Moses picked it up, it turned into a staff.

 

God also told Moses to be on his way.

 

Moses explained the scenario to Zipporah and she told him that she’d go with him.

 

Moses and Zipporah went back to Egypt while waving goodbye to Jethro and the rest of Zipporah’s family.

 

Once they arrived at the pharaoh’s palace, it turned out that Rameses was the new pharaoh and he even had a young son.

 

“Moses! I can’t believe you decided to come back home! I thought you may have been dead after all these years!” said Rameses.

 

“I’ve learned a lot since I last saw you” said Moses.

 

“Like what? Tell me. I’m dying to know” said Rameses.

 

“For starters, that there’s only one God instead of multiple, and this one God wants you to let His people go” said Moses.

 

“And who are His people, exactly?” asked Rameses.

 

“The Israelite slaves. Set them free because I heard he was capable of great wonders!” answered Moses.

 

“It’s as if you forgot about the power of Ra and all the other gods. Jannes, Jambres, show him!” said Rameses.

 

“With pleasure!” said Jannes.

 

“Watch this!” said Jambres.

 

The two of them dropped their staffs and they turned into snakes.

 

“What’s this singular God have on us? Huh?” said Jannes.

 

Moses dropped his staff and it also turned into a snake.

 

“Ha! I knew it! Two snakes versus one. Multiple gods versus one. Sorry Moses, but you’re in history” said Jambres.

 

Rameses smirked and said “This should be fun”.

 

Jannes and Jambres blew raspberries at Moses as the two snakes approached the other snake.

 

The snake that was previously a staff wrapped around the other two snakes and squeezed them to death.

 

Moses then picked up his snake and it turned back into a staff.

 

He then slid the other two snakes off of his staff and into the hands of Jannes and Jambres.

 

“Here ya go!” he said while grinning.

 

Jannes and Jambres then shook the snakes’ corpses and said “Come on! Come on! Turn back into staffs!”

 

“Haven’t you realized? It’s the power of my God against yours” said Moses.

 

“Stop looking everyone! Showtime is over! Moses, come back here with me!” said Rameses.

 

Moses followed Rameses into a private room then gave him back the ring he had been given.

 

“What has gotten into you, Moses? You have changed for the worst!” said Rameses.

 

“I learned my true family history, learned the message of God, realized that the Israelites are more than just slaves and that they should be set free. If anything, I’d say I’ve been changed for the better” said Moses.

 

“Father would be highly disappointed! He was a great leader and so am I! I will NEVER let your people go! As a matter of fact, all thanks to this God you speak of, their workload will be doubled. On second thought, it’s all thanks to you! Now get out of my sight!” said Rameses.

 

Moses later introduced Zipporah to Aaron and Miriam, while sincerely apologizing to them.

 

They both accepted his apology.

 

The next time Moses saw Rameses, he was on a boat riding down the Nile with his son, Jannes, Jambres, and three guards.

 

Rameses’s son laughed at some jokes told by Jannes and Jambres.

 

Moses, Miriam, Aaron, Zipporah, and a bunch of other Israelites walked up to the Nile.

 

lThis is your final warning to let my people go, Rameses!” said Moses.

 

“Guards! Get them for disrupting us!” ordered Rameses.

 

God then told Moses to put his staff into the Nile as the three guards began walking through the Nile.

 

Moses did so and the water turned to blood.

 

That caused the three guards to run back.

 

“Jannes! Jambres! Explain this!” said Rameses.

 

They took a cup of blood from the Nile then began chanting the names of some Egyptian gods to turn the blood back into water. Nothing happened though.

 

“Let’s end this!” said Rameses.

 

“No, Rameses! This is just the beginning” said Moses.

 

He then turned to his fellow Israelites and told them “The pharaoh can take away your food, your freedom, your sons and your daughters. With one word, he can take away your lives, but there is only one thing that he cannot take away from you-your faith”.

 

The next day, frogs were hopping all over the land of Egypt.

 

Moses went to Rameses, who said “Make this pesky things go away!”

 

“Only if you let the Israelites go free!” said Moses.

 

“For the last time! No!” said Rameses.

 

“I’m warning you, the next plagues will become worse and worse” said Moses.

 

“Whatever!” said Rameses.

 

The next day, there were lice infestations.

 

Rameses threw his headdress off and the next time Moses saw him, he said “Now my son and I are bald because of you! Try all you want, I will not let your people go!”

 

 Flies came in swarms and began spreading diseases.

 

Rameses angrily took off his bib and threw his dish on the floor as the flies quickly devoured his piece of lamb, bread, and wine.

 

As Moses walked up to him, he said “Now I’ve lost my lunch! No matter what happens, I’m not letting your people go! Deal with it!”

 

“Keep telling yourself that. It’s your own people who are suffering from this and it really pains me inside to witness this” said Moses.

 

The next day, an overabundance of foxes and weasels began raiding chicken coops and rabbit hutches. Large packs of wolves also killed cattle, sheep, and goats in the fields. One wolf snarled at an Egyptian woman and child. The woman hid her child in fear. One Egyptian man hid and panicked in a tree with a wolf, a fox, and a weasel all jumping up and trying to bite him.

 

Moses went to Ramses and said “Don’t think this is anyone’s fault but your own!”

 

“Whatever! Get out of my face!” said Rameses.

 

The next day, boils grew all over the Egyptian people.

 

The day after that, there were thunderstorms of hail and fire.

 

The following day, swarms of locusts ate all of the Egyptians’ crops.

 

After that, it was dark for three days straight.

 

Rameses and his son both lit torches.

 

As Moses came to him, he shouted “What do you want?!!!”

 

“Freedom for my people. It really is the last straw, Rameses. We’re on the final plague” said Moses.

 

“I’ll keep your people in slavery. As a matter of fact, I’m curious to know what this next plague you speak of is gonna be” said Rameses.

 

Moses told his people to paint blood from lambs on their doors so that the final plague will pass through. They did so and just then, an angel named Creeping Death came down, entered the palace of Rameses, and smote his son.

 

In the morning, Rameses laid his headdress down at his son’s corpse.

 

Moses walked up to him, hung his head in shame, and said “I’m sorry it had to be this way”.

 

“You now have my permission for your people to be set free”.

 

Moses put his hand on Rameses’s shoulder then was swatted away at.

 

“Leave me!” shouted Rameses.

 

Moses then led Miriam, Aaron, Zipporah, and every other Israelite out of Egypt.

 

Along their journey, Miriam said “I knew you’d eventually come around, Moses”.

 

“You see, anything is possible when you believe in God” said Zipporah.

 

As everyone continued walking, Moses put his staff behind his shoulders and chuckled as two young Israelite children hung onto it. They laughed along with him.

 

Squirrels, chipmunks, doves, swans, and sparrows then began to follow the Israelites.

 

Moses smiled at a dove that perched on his staff.

 

An Israelite child chuckled as Moses knelt down to feed a squirrel and it stuffed its cheeks.

 

God then told Moses to put his staff into the Red Sea.

 

Moses did so then the water parted.

 

Moses then led the people through it, but before they could reach the other side, Rameses and his army came.

 

“You’ve cheated me out for the last time, Moses!” said Rameses.

 

He then commanded for his soldiers to kill them all.

 

As they began charging, everyone quickly made it across the sea.

 

Moses got to the other side too then God told him to put his staff back into the water. He did so then the pharaoh’s army either drowned or got washed up on rocks.

 

As Moses’s people were in the promised land, he wrote the Ten Commandments on stone as those were the rules for his people to go by.

 

After he announced them, Aaron, Miriam, and Zipporah all hugged him. “Jochebed would be very proud!” said Miriam.

 

The end.

[Ziggy455]

I'm not really well-versed with biblical stories so I'll steer clear of those inaccuracies. Mostly it's your formatting and a few punctuation errors that stand out mostly. The work would be a lot easier to read if it was put into paragraphs as opposed to single lines. It feels too much like you're just explaining everything in a summary.

 

The man did this.

 

The woman looked at him.

 

She sneezed.

 

The man coughed and walked over to the door. 

 

While it encompasses the basics of describing action, don't be afraid to put some more words in.

 

6 hours ago, Outlaw Biker Viking said:

 

He then commanded for his soldiers to kill them all. As they began charging, everyone quickly made it across the sea. Moses got to the other side too then God told him to put his staff back into the water. He did so then the pharaoh’s army either drowned or got washed up on rocks. As Moses’s people were in the promised land, he wrote the Ten Commandments on stone as those were the rules for his people to go by.

After he announced them, Aaron, Miriam, and Zipporah all hugged him.

 

“Jochebed would be very proud!” said Miriam.

 

The formatting isn't so it's easier on your reader's eyes per se, but more for your own benefit if you ever want to rewrite or look over things. It makes editing much easier when you're not focusing on individual lines. 

 

6 hours ago, Outlaw Biker Viking said:

“It’s a baby boy. Let’s take him in. Come along, Rameses” said Tuya.

Whenever dialogue is followed by a "said" description, remember to use a comma like so: 

 

"It's a baby boy. Let's take him in. Come along, Rameses," said Tuya. 

 

Overall your description is very rushed--the action is pretty much told instead of shown. A summary of a story leaves little emotional impact as opposed to a story in which you show the action and unfolding events. An example is knowing the difference between telling us what's happening and showing us. 

 

6 hours ago, Outlaw Biker Viking said:

He then commanded for his soldiers to kill them all.

 

As they began charging, everyone quickly made it across the sea.

 

Moses got to the other side too then God told him to put his staff back into the water. He did so then the pharaoh’s army either drowned or got washed up on rocks.

 

Rameses nodded to generals, making sure they knew their role. They began their charge with swords raised with Moses and the slaves in their sights. As Moses stood between the parting sea that gushed rapidly in division, he stepped back and clapped his hands together. The two sides of the sea clashed together, swallowing the army whole as they disappeared under the crushing blue. 

 

My version gives you the basis of what you've written but shows the information instead of telling the readers the bare-bones of what has happened. That isn't to say what you've written is bad, by all means it's written very well if but a little too fast-paced. I'm sure with some more pointers your work could improve.