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Humanophone | Grandma’s Hidden Talent

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One glorious Thursday, back in the heart of circa 1997 within the Hampshire Mall, in Hadley, Massachusetts, my grandmother and I nonchalantly walked into a retailer, the name of which is a blur to my episodic memory bank. The wood floors and aisles smiled at the passerby’s with a sheen, as they whisked themselves to and ‘fro, attacking the shelves to take on another week worth of a grind.   


Consumers of every creed were making with the hustle and bustle, passing words over the air, as the floorboards grumbled beneath the cacophony orchestrated by the assault of their feet. My grandmother was not of skin and bones, nor the ghoulish nightmare fuel that is Banjo and Kazooie’s green, otherworldly voodoo, but of wit and life.


My grandmother was the arms ‘round my sister and I when my father and mother’s hearts were tied under Frank Sinatra’s spell of a White Christmas. Regretfully, however, even for how much of a pick-me-up my grandmother was, her anal sphincter was starting to become UNHINGED because of the early run ins with ageism.


It would be on that very day at the Hampshire Mall that I unearthed my grandmother’s come-from-behind talent, second to that of nursing life’s back to good health: the ‘humanophone’. A behemoth of energy crept up to the line of scrimmage, swimming through my grandmother’s innards with the twinges of a drunkard, fumbling along the blood streams and cutting through the air faster. The energy ate up more momentum, orbiting through the intestines. Slivers of the twilight began to bleed all over its dark spaces with a white hue, until finally the orb of energy leaped off the cliff and jabbed at the air with a crackling note that killed the commotion: ‘fhaaaalllllllllll!’


Whilst the putrid fumes took hold of my olfacts and my rationale stumbled over heaps of laughter to find a lone word, a cryptic message whizzed by my eyes over the yellow ribbon of a retail tag: $20.19. 


My grandmother would sustain her reign of unsettling and boisterous interference as I crossed over to the pubescent double digits of life, loving her and embracing her unmentionables all the same. 🙂

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