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Humanophone | Grandma’s Hidden Talent


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One glorious Thursday, back in the heart of circa 1997 within the Hampshire Mall, in Hadley, Massachusetts, my grandmother and I nonchalantly walked into a retailer, the name of which is a blur to my episodic memory bank. The wood floors and aisles smiled at the passerby’s with a sheen, as they whisked themselves to and ‘fro, attacking the shelves to take on another week worth of a grind.   


Consumers of every creed were making with the hustle and bustle, passing words over the air, as the floorboards grumbled beneath the cacophony orchestrated by the assault of their feet. My grandmother was not of skin and bones, nor the ghoulish nightmare fuel that is Banjo and Kazooie’s green, otherworldly voodoo, but of wit and life.


My grandmother was the arms ‘round my sister and I when my father and mother’s hearts were tied under Frank Sinatra’s spell of a White Christmas. Regretfully, however, even for how much of a pick-me-up my grandmother was, her anal sphincter was starting to become UNHINGED because of the early run ins with ageism.


It would be on that very day at the Hampshire Mall that I unearthed my grandmother’s come-from-behind talent, second to that of nursing life’s back to good health: the ‘humanophone’. A behemoth of energy crept up to the line of scrimmage, swimming through my grandmother’s innards with the twinges of a drunkard, fumbling along the blood streams and cutting through the air faster. The energy ate up more momentum, orbiting through the intestines. Slivers of the twilight began to bleed all over its dark spaces with a white hue, until finally the orb of energy leaped off the cliff and jabbed at the air with a crackling note that killed the commotion: ‘fhaaaalllllllllll!’


Whilst the putrid fumes took hold of my olfacts and my rationale stumbled over heaps of laughter to find a lone word, a cryptic message whizzed by my eyes over the yellow ribbon of a retail tag: $20.19. 


My grandmother would sustain her reign of unsettling and boisterous interference as I crossed over to the pubescent double digits of life, loving her and embracing her unmentionables all the same. 🙂

Headbanger Love | Fan Fiction


Hey All,


Just wanted to let you know we’re getting a kick out of messing with you, but it is only because we love you. Truthfully. We’re messing up the charts good with Artie and V. Hey, let’s face it - the YouTubers need that bank, right? They sure love the clicks, those A-Listers, those VI journalists with all the hot takes on the next big thing. 


‘We can’t do this, we won’t do this, we’ll never do that, they’ll mob us down if the whips spit actual fuel. We’re just in bed with Jaws.’ 


Jorge, Tim, Franklin, Maylay, and also Glen Quagmire will be playable in-game. 

The naivety doesn’t know when to sleep, apparently. To be clear: this is a game of concepts and we’re playing you, right now.


If you have game and want the next experience to be a revolution, you have a mouth and the free reign to arm it with your wishes. The globe? Photorealism? Interiors? You never know when a concept could go from being just a concept one day, to being the world’s best friend on a future day. 


The next game will transcend sexy, you just don’t know it yet. Delays suck worse than Ron Jeremy’s 9-inch sledgehammer. We understand that, but the more you don’t know, the more your tears will flow. We’ve been watching and we’ll be watching your actions and reactions on behalf of ambition very soon. 


We think you are going to love our take of Next-Gen. GTA needed a boot to the formula: a reboot that is Getting That Ambition. ‘Grand Theft Auto’ itself is still the mainframe and the pulse of the experience, of course, but ambition will be pushing every gigabyte (and terabyte) of immersion out of the throttle and the code. 


Every aspect of everything will lose nothing during its close up, and you will be please to know that everything that we have hardwired into this experience, is hardwired for life, an example of which being the maximum speed of vehicles.  


Thank you to all of you who continue to show us your love and your very own art within the worlds that we always aim to perfect. Our aim is to never settle and to please by transcending in the next iteration, to ensure that it is of the quality that you ought to expect from a new echelon of gaming. 


Please stay tuned for further updates regarding Grand Theft Auto Online, Red Dead Online and beyond. 



The Headbangers





(I am limited to where I can slip this art in, inconspicuously). 🙂

Edited by XXVIII
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