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MysteryDriverX

Telling people about your problems

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MysteryDriverX

People say "it's good to talk about your problems". But really, what are the unwritten rules about telling people about your problems? Because it's not like you can just go and tell someone about your depression, or your personal failures and frustrations, or about how you think about suicide, stuff like that. Right?

How do you know if you can and/or should tell someone about your problems? And in your personal case, do you have people you tell about your personal issues? Are they people you know in real life or only the Internet? Do you need to have someone tell you their own personal stuff before you tell them yours? I think about it and I can't remember anyone in real life ever telling me about their problems, it's always me starting to tell them mine until I quickly realize they don't want to hear it.

Except for this one guy I knew for a short while with whom I had a close bond, but stopped seeing years ago. I'm very thankful for the Internet but it's definitely not the same as knowing someone to talk to in person.

I don't know anyone I'd feel comfortable telling my problems to, not even my parents. Specifically my parents told me that I should never complain and that I'm being a jerk when I tell them about my problems, so I stopped discussing anything even remotely personal to them. They even give me the "there are children starving in Africa" routine. Ironically my dad often says that "having someone to talk to" is the key to having a good life.

If someone asks you "how are you doing", do you absolutely need to reply "fine, you?" or are they allowing you to open up to them?
I went to therapy against my parents' will for a while. I used to feel like I was wasting time and money, and I used to feel like a loser because I thought "I must be a failure if  I need to actually PAY someone just to hear me out". But now I kind of miss knowing that someone, even if I paid them, was actually listening to me for once.

Edited by MysteryDriverX

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Dwnld
12 minutes ago, MysteryDriverX said:

If someone asks you "how are you doing", do you absolutely need to reply "fine, you?" or are they allowing you to open up to them?

I can tell if someone actually wants to know if I have everything alright or if they ask it just to be polite.

The difference can be pretty easy to recognize. Facial expressions/body language, tone and used words while they ask are most obvious way.

 

Now, if someone asks from me if I'm fine, there is no way in hell I would open up to anyone. I just don't share. I honestly shove my problems into a box which is inside another locked box and so on, or write them on paper and then burn the paper.

However if someone wants to tell me about their stuff, I'm OK with that.

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Rhoda

I don't think people say "talk about your problems" to suggest that you should unload everything on somebody. I think it's just said to encourage people to talk about what's bothering them. I tell my wife and my therapist things that I wouldn't necessarily talk to my colleagues or friends about. You have to pick your audience. When people ask me how I am I say "yeah fine" because it's more socially economic. Obviously it depends on who's asking you and how well you know them. I've known people for years but I don't necessarily take that as a cue to immediately launch into what's bothering me that week or what I'm insecure about. I think the online age of anonymity has changed because things are more personal now than they were. You could join an IRC chatroom and talk about stuff but you wouldn't expect a serious answer. I don't think anybody should feel like a failure because they have a need to share their problems.

 

On the whole, I don't tend to share much, at least in person. I can do that online because I have a very small digital footprint and I'm wary about what I share regarding identity. I'm quite guarded, because a lot of people have stuff of their own to deal with. I don't bottle stuff up because I'm lucky enough to have somebody to vent to if I feel the need. I don't know if this is a question you had or it was more of a rhetoric but I'll say it again - you've not failed as a person because you have problems, or if you need somebody on the other end to just listen. Sometimes you don't even want help, you just want an ear. That's good enough too.

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Guest Billy Russo

Most of the time I'll hold my feelings back. Usually when someone asks me how I'm doing it's in casual passing, it's not really an appropriate setting. It's easier just to say you're 'fine/okay' and move on with your day. The only time I'll truly open up to people is close family members that I trust or a counsellor/therapist. I went to counselling a while back and that was a great outlet for me to truly open up as someone with anxiety/depression.

 

I've funnily enough shared the most about myself on here probably. Even though you guys have no idea what I look like or anything like that, I've don't shy away from talking about my depression/anxiety/OCD experiences pretty casually. I usually don't talk about that stuff at all in real life, I deal with a lot of it myself.

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spectre07

I have the fortune to make good conversations with the right people and make a peaceful liberation.

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Sandereas

Some people are not interested at all what you have to say. You can hang out with them and laugh with them. But those people won't care if you are having problems and things get serious. I always talk about my problems with a few close friends. I am lucky I have this. I can say anything to them. Depression anything. But some people you just get to know are open about these things to. It really depends on the connection you make. Most of the time you can feel this connection.

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Evil empire

I never talk to anyone about my problem, I prefer to think about it quietly and find a solution on my own.

 

Everytime I reveal someone about a personal problem I take the more or less important risk the person spreads the secret because she's untrustworthy, doesn't know the way to keep secrets, leaks it through a lapsus or uses my declaration against me if we have the least argument, my mother is a professional in the latter by the way.

 

My problems are my secrets and the best mean to keep a secret is not to tell anyone about it, it's one of my golden rules in life.

Edited by Evil empire

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Sandereas
16 minutes ago, Evil empire said:

 

 

My problems are my secrets and the best mean to keep a secret is not to tell anyone about it, it's one of my golden rules in life.

I really would advise having some outlet. Especially serious problems. If u can figure it all out by yourself then respect. But I know from experience keeping things like serious depression and things like that all to yourself, can have some serious consequence in the long run.

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Evil empire
2 hours ago, Sandereas said:

I really would advise having some outlet. Especially serious problems. If u can figure it all out by yourself then respect. But I know from experience keeping things like serious depression and things like that all to yourself, can have some serious consequence in the long run.

I think you're right but trusting the others is hard when I can't even trust my own family.

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NaidRaida
On 9/27/2019 at 3:43 PM, MysteryDriverX said:

[...] Specifically my parents told me that I should never complain [...]

This is the best way to raise a psychopath who will swallow just everything. Just imagine this mentality would have gone through whole mankind. That would mean absolutely no progress in anything.

I like a quote from Star Trek: Voyager made by Commander Chakotay (freely translated, therefore I won't put it as true quote):

He said it is worth to trust people because you will fail in 99 %. But, and that is the important point, the one percent you don't fail is so valuable to you as a human that it make you simply forget the unworthy 99 percent. It'll give you strength!

The story was not about trusting people it was about love. I think you can adapt this philosophy since love always starts with trust. To trust yourself is the first point. You feel the need to talk? Just do it!

Not complaining about anything, that could be part of a Hitler speech. We all know where this path went and where it ended. Finding those one worthy percent, that is your task as human beeing. Not easy, I admit. But worth it, I hope.

Edited by NaidRaida

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Laura91

Outside of one long-distance friend, I don't bother with talking about my problems. My family members have heard it all before and don't really care. Honestly, I'm at a point where I hate that I wake up each day. Life is pretty f*cking pointless. One family member was suggesting that I see a psychologist. I did that a long time ago and it didn't do much at all. Those people are just there for a paycheck. They also suggested that I should be doped up on psychotropic drugs to "make me happy". No f*cking thanks. I did the same with alcohol and drugs a long time ago. All I did was waste a lot of money and knock my I.Q. down a couple of points. I do not trust the idea of going on psychotropic drugs at all and it's never going to happen.

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YellowJacket

I always feel a bit held back by telling people anything because it can come back as an insult if you tell the wrong person. I have some people I can definitely trust, but, others, ehhhh, not so much, I wish I never told them anything. Sometimes, you think someone is your friend and they turn out to be a snake.

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Mr. Scratch

Depends on how many drinks I'm into.

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Sandereas
On 9/28/2019 at 11:18 PM, Evil empire said:

I think you're right but trusting the others is hard when I can't even trust my own family.

That really sucks man. I understand. Damn.

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spectre07
17 hours ago, Laura91 said:

I see a psychologist. I did that a long time ago and it didn't do much at all. Those people are just there for a paycheck. 

My school put me a condition to visit a psychologist back in 2014 and she tried to talk with me and I was in silence in the 6 or 7 sessions and she left me to graduate correctly.

 

She tried to be kind, but I prefer walking alone.

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TheSantader25

I can't trust everyone though I think it helps if you talk to someone really close who can understand you but... 

 

 

Edited by TheSantader25

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Agent Milton

I'm addicted to gambling and have too much debt

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