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The GTA VI Development team parody thread

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Really, posting literally  nothing in this topic would be the most accurate thing to do...

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Inside Rockstar Headquarters October 27,2018....the day after the release of Red Dead Redemption 2.....These are the events that transpired


Dan Houser- "Well guys, with Red Dead out of the way, i think it's time we finally get started on our dream project. a sequel to Bully 2.

Rockstar Dev 1- "I much rather see Max Payne 4, i think the gameplay mechanics that we presented in Max Payne 3 were a dream and we can only develop further"

Rockstar Dev 2- "I for one would like to see a sequel to Manhunt, i think we can reallly make an awesome stealth horror game"

Dan Houser- "Well honestly, any of those options would be interesting, I'm down for either of 3, or a new IP. I think we have a bright future ahead of us my friends.My brother knows what to do, I have faith in him, as you should too


Dan and the 2 developers wait outside Sam's office.... the door slowly creeps open like a silent fart. a low voice is heard

Sam- "come in"


Dan and the 2 devs walk in and sit down in 3 selected chairs. In the office Sam is sitting smoking a cigar while the Ceo of Take Two, Strauss Zelenick is hanging in the corner counting money. Dan speaks first


Dan- "Hey Sam, i think we have been talking our next project"


Sam "Yeah about that, f*ck you were going to be focusing on GTAO and RDO


Dan- "What"

Sam- "Yep, focusing on those"

Dan- "but what about Bully 2 or  a new game"


Sam- "f*ck a bully 2, money is money and were doing what makes money. Do I need to spell that out for you Dan


Dan- f*ck you Sam, were getting f*cking tired of online sh*t"

Sam- "suck a dick Dan"


Dan- "you first Sam"


Sam- "make me Dan"


Dan "f*ck you Sam"


Sam- "no..........."


Dan "lets f*cking do another GTA then, as much as i rather do something new, GTA 6 is at least better than f*cking with online"


Sam "ummm, yeah about that f*ck GTA 6, were actually going to re-release GTA V on PS5 and even though we promised to continue with RDO, its probably going to die and then were going to focus mostly on GTAO and then probably just that for the next 239 years, oh and by the way Bully 2 never going to happen breh, this ain't high school breh. this the big boy leagues... Green is the only God to Strauss and I....


Rockstar Dev 1 "what the f*ck is going on"


Sam" f*ck you unnamed guy, your fired"


Rokstar Dev 2 "i believe GTAO is the future of Rockstar"


Sam" your fired"


Rockstar Dev 2 "I agreed with you"


Sam "your fired for kissing my ass, no one kisses my ass besides I"


Dan" That's it Sam, I can't handle this anymore, i can't do online sh*t no more, we need to do a new game...I just, i know its a buisness but what about the love of story based games, the reason we started Rockstar.."


Sam " blah blah blah blah blah, does it print money thats the only thing that matters"


Dan "f*ck you and f*ck your GTAO Im f*cking out of here f*ck Rockstar and f*ck a you Sam"


Dan procedes to break the office window and jumps out with a parachute saftely landing on the ground 


Sam- "f*ck a me man......... Strauss how's that money counting"


Strauss "we made a 65 billion first quarter, people keep on getting the 5000 dollar shark card"


Sam " good sh*t, we need to start releasing more expensive sh*t on online to get people buy the 5000 dollar shark card, more oppressors and sh*t"

Strauss- "sounds good for me breh"

Sam- "thanks breh"




Da End

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The events that transpired following GTA V's re-re-release announcement for PS5:


Sam is sitting at home, watching the PS5 stream with a boatload of popcorn on hand, ready for the comments and tears of joy to follow. Soon, the Rockstar logo comes up and he's already spilling popcorn, soda, and pickle garlic all over the couch. His kids are worried, wishing he would go outside to play catch with them. Sam's wife stands in the kitchen entryway, divorce papers in hand, about to leave a note to say "make your own f*cking sandwich, it's time you grinded for results instead of buying wives on the market."


After the commercial is over, Sam is crying with happiness, expecting GTAO fans to be all overjoyed with him. He reads through each negative comment on YouTube, Twitch, and Facebook. He retreats shortly after to GTA Forums, thinking they've got my back, they keep buying this sh*t! To his disappointment, he realizes the forum is mostly the opposition. He turns to his kids to tell them he's about to play catch, but they're already on their game consoles, pre-ordering Battle for Bikini Bottom. No idea why, but it fits the narrative. Bought wife didn't want them.


Sam walks into his office, opens a desk drawer, with cartoonish drawings of cars and horses that look like a five-year-old drew them. "- Danny Houser, Age 34" is the signature. Sam begins to cry tears of depression, then sees that sales have not at all gone down, in fact quite the opposite. He withdraws another million bucks. "I CAN BUY HAPPINESS," he shouts as he is ringing up his fentanyl dealer. He gets a phone call in the process.


Dan is on the other end, enjoying retirement, a wife he grinded for, and three kids as a result, while they're sitting on a place almost as picturesque as Guarma. "Hey Sam, just saw your commercial. I'm not coming into work tomorrow, ya know, the status quo for the past few months. Anyway gotta say, I think I may come back to work if you pledge to do a Grand Theft Auto VI. That was MY baby, and you said no. How could you?"


Sam nearly blubbering, dries up, and replies "Okay Dan. I'll do it. When's the soonest you and the Benz could come back?"


Dan, with a smirk on his face, as the sun gleams off his chrome dome, says "well... stay tuned, I have more information and lots of exciting ideas. In a few weeks or so."



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Just a regular day at the office.

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Posted (edited)


Strauss Zelnick's Office, New York


Strauss Zelnick is in his office. Sitting behind his big old wooden desk. His office was very different than Sam Houser's office. It looked like your traditional old school executives office. He had a painting of himself as a Centaur hanging instead of the very detailed Roman beating a runaway slave that Sam had. He had a nice view of the city, and a bunch of books. Strauss was smoking a cigar and on the phone with Andrew Wilson he was teasing him about the recent success of his 2k sports titles compared to EA. 


"f*ckin 14 million copies sold bitch. That's right SOLD not shipped SOLD! Just wait until we get the NFL license back. You'll be out on the street homeless. Gonna be out there holding a sign saying will suck dick for food."


They were good friends but Strauss liked to rub it in a bit.


"Thank you for finally giving up on NBA Live. That sh*t never stood a chance. It's funny really they hate all of you over there at EA because of microtransactions and loot boxes but we do the same sh*t probably even worse. But people still line up and buy it every year. In fact they demand more. So what we did is we have decided to raise the price to $70 on all of our next gen titles and people are still going to buy them. Anyway maybe when all this corona sh*t blows over I can take you out to a game here at MSG courtside and watch the Knicks lose again. Get you out of lame ass California and show you how us big boys on the east coast spend our millions. James Dolan is a good friend of mine and we believe in the same thing making money, f*ckin bitches, doin drugs, and not giving the fans what they want."


"NFL License? Hah good luck trying to get that. We ain't giving that up without a fight. Have fun trying to sell NFL 2k playgrounds or whatever. No matter how good your NBA title is. We aren't letting you touch the NFL with a 10 foot pole. Don't even think about it."


Sam Houser runs into Strauss's office and slams the phone down.


"What the f*ck do you think you're doin huh? You think you're Mr. Big shot round here. Let me tell you somethin. I RUN THINGS AROUND HERE STRAUSS. NOT YOU'RE f*ckIN 2K SPORTS TITLES, or sh*tTY 2K GAMES TITLES like Mafia, Bioshock or Borderlands. I RUN THINGS HERE. ME. IF IT WASNT FOR ME YOU'D BE OUT SELLIN USED CARS OUT IN OHIO. I RUN sh*t HERE YOU JUST WORK HERE. KING KONG AINT GOT sh*t ON ME!"


The big smile on Strauss's face disappears.


"I try to relax for one moment and you come here and ruin my life again. What is it this time? You've finally woken your lazy ass up and are going to give me GTA VI? Agent is finally coming? Hey I love the good times and money we've been making and continue to make with online. But even I know the good times don't last forever. Your Red Dead Online experiment is dead in the water. Meanwhile people are getting all excited for other games not yours. Those folks out in Poland are making something nice over there with Cyberpunk 2077."


Sam just laughs when Strauss mentions Cyberpunk


"That could always flop Strauss. You know and I know whenever we drop a trailer or the slightest smallest hint towards the next GTA. The universe and the internet will stop and all eyes will be on us once again."


"Then tell me. What is the point of this dramatic visit."


Sam smiles and puts a couple of files on his desk


"Take a look. This is it Strauss. The next GTA. GTA VI. Time to dominate the next decade again."


Edited by Zello

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