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Star Guided


Recommended Posts


I've been thinking about this for a while, and as it happens I thought it would make for an interesting YouTube video series. However, seeing as I am not a blogger and not 100% comfortable in front of a camera, I decided it would work equally well as a topic here. Basically, I think horoscopes are a load of bollocks. I'm not going to go super in-depth because things could get preachy real quick, but it's just not for me. I don't believe in it, and I don't think it's wise for people to read such cookie-cutter statements and act on them. That got me to thinking though... what if people did? Obviously they're in the minority - anybody I know who is even remotely interested in horoscopes reads them, remarks on how spooky they are and then they go about their day. I wanted to go one step further, and see what would happen if I took the advice on my daily horoscope as literally as possible, funds and work life permitting. I will try as best as I can to do this every day, but I work long hours and this doesn't give me a great deal of time in between to do much of anything.


The first thing I wanted to establish was consistency, so I did a quick search for "daily horoscopes". I was instantly awash with results from people who look like they need a shower and a glass of water. For this to work as well as I want, I'll need one source that will dish my horoscope consistently and reliably. I didn't however give it much thought, because I wound up choosing the very first result given to me, the aptly titled Astro Style. Not only do I like the shade of pink used, but the horoscopes are apparently provided by The Astro Twins. This is trustworthy because we all know that twins are the creepiest of family relations, apart from the helping hand your auntie lends when you've broken your arm. Aside from having names like something out of The Jetsons, I was keen to click on and find out what they had to say to me, a cancer.



Thursday, August 1, 2019

Okay, Cancer, maybe you shouldn't have splurged on the limited edition sneakers AND the high-end sheet set. Has your bank balance taken a hit from your haute indulgences? Today's conjoining of the moon and Mars in your second house of finances could motivate you to raise your rates or pursue that spectacular career opportunity that can pay for all those treats. While impulse control is not Mars’ specialty, resolve to take control of your finances. Maybe it's time to up the ante on your retirement accounts or finally start contributing to your 401(k). It's always the right time to set yourself up for a serene, secure future. Is anything more comforting to a Cancer soul?


First of all, I don't appreciate the tone. How dare I splurge? I work hard for my money you condescending hag, whichever one of you penned this personal attack. It is true I have had an expensive week - not long after pay day, I was subjected to car repairs including new brakes and a new tyre. I wasn't exactly splurging. For their information, I did buy new shoes but that was three weeks ago now, and I already dislike them. What's all this about a second house of finances? How many damn houses of finance are there? I'll have these two know I am making strides at work and doing rather well, and I don't need some crystal gazing bloodmouths to dictate to me how I should be spending money. Whilst I'm on my high horse, why are they talking about retirement? Not only do I pay into my state pension but I have a private nest egg account set up so I can spend my golden years reading crime novellas, surfing and shagging. I don't think I'll be taking retirement advice from these people.


This was a good start. I'm already doing what it's telling me to do, so all that's left is for me to get annoyed at their presumptions which are far more personal than I expected from horoscopes. Usually I see them in the newspaper next to the crossword, and they're always so light and fluffy, vague but oddly specific if you go digging. If I've got time after work tomorrow I'll update with my next suggestion, and I'll see where things take me.

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The Time Ranger

Typicial cynicial Cancer, you wouldn't get this from a Virgo, looking forward to the next update.

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Self-Destructive Man
25 minutes ago, Motherstep said:

Virgos can go and suck on a railroad spike.

Respect to the Virgos man, the best sign!


I agree with you, I don't believe in horoscopes, at least I've never had a precise horoscope related to me.

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I was under the impression all signs were equal, but that reminded me, I'm sure a new one got invented a few years ago. Also, I wonder which is the most common? If only there was a tool online that could answer such questions. All just a pipe dream.


Oh, wait. Here we go. There isn't a definite answer. Also, this is that new sign I thought I remembered. I wondered why I didn't see it used, it's because it isn't real.

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You must continue this mission.






I'm a libra and far from believing in anything supernatural not firmly grounded in science.  Here is the interesting thing along with my theory.   Remember astrology is based on astronomy.  It has to do with "how stars are aligned", planets, and constellations.  The universe has been expanding (thus shifting) since the beginning.   The astronomy of it all has changed since the astrology calendar was created back when.  We are all the sign before (or after - I forget) the sign we think we are.


Here is the theory part...I exhibit libra traits even though according to the astronomy of astrology I shouldn't be a libra.


I do think there may be some marit to the generalizations assigned to our star signs.  I think the only astronomy involved is the moon.  The human body is almost all water...and really soft during in the womb development.  I think we get our star sign traits from the moons gravitational pull on our bodies during our development.  

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The moon theories I will accept. There's some talk about how water on the brain is influenced by phases of the moon, and this is exacerbated for people with Alzheimer's and dementia. It's an interesting look at how our behaviour can be swayed.


Anyway, here is today's. The formatting will be a bit off because I'm sat on the toilet at work but here goes:


"Peer pressure doesn't stop when you graduate from high school, Cancer, but don't succumb today! Rebellious Uranus nudges peace-seeking Venus, warning against the perils of going along to get along. Don't stay quiet if something doesn't sit well with you, whether it's a friend who keeps trying to sell you on a business idea or a new office policy that seems unjust. Let people know that their actions aren't aligning with your values. If it's clear they're not hearing what you have to say—and likely never will—it might be best to just walk away."


If this is to be believed, I'm expected to clash with somebody at work. This is nothing new but there's a strong emphasis on not giving in to peer pressure. I do actually have a friend starting a business and he wants my input, so that's eerily close. However, he's a bit of a drip so I can't see that having much bearing. Things take a turn for the extreme because it's suggesting if they don't bow to my wishes (and let's face it, why would they) I should just... leave? How am I supposed to pay my mortgage then? Yesterday they were talking about saving and planning for the future! This is reckless advice.


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I used to watch Mizada Mohamed in a small section of a local TV show, watching a famous astrologer named Walter Mercado then I remember too reading on the newspaper, but I never took those things seriously and I don’t remember speaking with someone about this except my brothers when I was a kid a long time ago.


Btw, I am Libra.

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Well, the daily part didn't last long, did it? I wound up sick as a dog yesterday, so much so I actually bailed on work. Not like me at all. I think it must be all this cosmic infetterence. Let's say what Tuesday has to say because I can't be arsed to go back further.




Okay, now this is getting personal. I just said I was poorly. I didn't blow off work to go and eat a sundae. Whoever this "weekday warrior" is, I think they picked the wrong person yesterday because I was far from a warrior. I left the house once at 2PM to pick up dishwasher tablets, and I was that out of it I nearly bought the laundry ones instead. I then spent ten minutes sat in my car drinking juice from a carton, picking something out of my beard and sighing into the rear view mirror. Hardly what I'd call "warrior". I know that was yesterday, but today is actually my day off and I don't plan on doing anything even remotely related.


I've noticed there's a gap in the logic when it comes to love life discussion too, because I'm happily married and I don't think my wife would approve of me blindly following advice about sitting next to people on trains hoping to get lucky. Neither would I, because most conversation I encounter these days is so banal and dull. It's the sort of words dogs would exchange if they could talk.

"Raining, isn't it?"

"Yes. It might stop later."


Riveting stuff. Actually, bollocks to this, what does another site say? This one is from a well-known astro glider called Mystic Meg, who's been seductively gazing into cameras and crystal balls since I was a nipper. Believe it or not, this is the actual picture she's using to promote her column in British newspaper The Sun.




It looks like I made it back in 2001. Anyway, she has well over 25 years' worth of experience so I can't go far wrong here... right?




Oh God, more money stuff! I'm trying not to think about that, my ring is still sore from car repairs that ate into a fair chunk of money I'd put aside. Despite her longevity on the psychic scene, this has got to be one of the most general, vague and oblique references about one's habits and futures I have ever seen. I've got news for you lady, everybody makes decisions every day. They might be laughable to the likes of me or you, but some people genuinely do struggle with the most inane of decisions. Should I get coffee or tea? Well, I like the coffee here but I could really do without the caffeine after what I read about Jennifer whilst she was carrying her third child. I don't know what colour to dye my hair, who did it, was it Brad or Robert? Doesn't make me look fat, does it? What time is it? Rubbish. I think I'll go back to the Astro Twins tomorrow, at least they don't look like they're trying to hypnotise me through my computer screen through a Microsoft Word 2003 fog filter. They might be a little more on-the-nose but I can take it. What are they going to do, physically attack me?


See you tomorrow.



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New day, new passive aggressive reading.




Well, this one isn't too bad. Apparently, I'm not to bow to the wishes of my peers to compromise my own beliefs. Not only is this actually decent advice, but I'd like to think I follow it anyway. Regardless of how close you are to somebody, you should always look out for yourself first because nobody else holds that priority. If you're not at your absolute best, there's little chance of you reliably helping anybody else. I've also been told here to keep plans simple. I'm going away on a long weekend break with my wife at weekend, so maybe it's trying to tell me not to overcomplicate things... maybe? I have a feeling that if that's what they meant, they'd have told me on the day, but that begs the question - how far in advance can this stuff go? Would it be unreasonable to expect a really good medium to tell me that I'm going to injure my shin on a low standing coffee table next Wednesday? That's the sort of stuff I can get behind. Speaking of plans, it's encouraging me to start at the foundations and fill in the details afterwards. Again, this is something I tend to do with any new project so I've beaten them to the punch there.


Not much development from this one. Hopefully things'll get more specific the more I do it.



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Here we go, more chuckles with the Astro Twins.




Okay, this one is a little more cryptic with the language. Apparently there's a disruption in my teamwork zone until next year, which is always nice. There's another layer of things people following this have to deal with as it turns out. I had little idea that sometimes no matter what you'll do, the stars can be against you and might just get nowhere. This obviously has it's ups and downs, but isn't it all just a bit defeatist? From what I understand I should be aware that things are clearer, and there'll be opportune moments to speak up. I love how it doesn't go so far in-depth to not only how subtle you need to be, but when to even speak up in the first place. Couldn't you use a better telescope and read the fine print? It makes me wonder how some readings are more detailed than others, is it like having a sentence that's blurry and there are people with glasses? What would it take to get something like "on Tuesday, you'll be asked a question, you must say yes" or "the coffee is poisoned, don't drink the coffee".


The last bit of "from on high" made me laugh because as it happens I am quite stoned.

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There's more conflict to come from the looks of it. I had it in my head things would be quaint and I'd be given little quests to do? There's no timeframe here - it's essentially saying there's stressful expense "looming", which could still be going on about my car repairs. My line of work doesn't really have projects, but there's constant pressure because of the nature of what I do and what we handle. I tend to leave it at the front door when I leave because otherwise I don't think I could function as a human being. You have to draw a line, even I know that and I don't think I need a horoscope to tell me. However, it does say that if I'm not sure what to DO (capslock for emphasis) then I should ask plenty of questions and I'll find out what's wrong...? I think? At least I'm not on my own. Maybe I've got things wrong. Maybe horoscopes go day by day but they accumulate, so I have to take note of each day and apply them when I see fit.


Let's see what Mystic Meg has to say, because I actually have a busy day planned and I wonder if she'll know any of it.




More cash tips. Either these lot are reading from the same cheat sheet or they're in cahoots. I suppose if the planets are in the same place, the readers are bound to say the same thing. As usual though there's a vague waft afoot. Nobody has made any bob on predictions about who I really am or what I'm doing. I suppose the closest thing was the first day when I had a lengthy motoring bill, but other than that it's the same woe is me financial advice.

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