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ThatKyloRenGuy

GTA V.1 (ThatBenGuy's version)

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ThatKyloRenGuy

Note: This is technically a part two to both GTA V and TLAD.

THE LOST AND FOUND
It is 2018, five years after the events of ending A. Michael and Franklin are drinking beer outside of a bar.

Franklin: I can't believe Trevor's been gone for five years.

Michael: Yeah, it feels like just yesterday.

Franklin: Honestly, if I could do it over, I would've picked C. At least Steve Haines, Devin Weston, and of course, Trevor, are all off our asses!

Michael: I get ya. Sometimes, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. We could've and should've killed all three of them!

All of the sudden, Malc, DeSean, and Angus Martin appear with Angus riding on the back of Malc's motorcycle.

Angus: We come in peace! Listen, we're from Liberty City. My name is Angus and these are my friends named Malc and DeSean from the Uptown Riders. We heard a man by the name of Trevor Philips wiped out our Los Santos chapter.

Michael: He died five years ago. I know this as me and my friend here named Franklin, used to be his associates.

Angus: Great! You two were the ones you killed that bastard, right?

Franklin: It was a guilty pleasure but yes.

Angus: Okay, we have been looking all over the country for new bikers to be a part of the Lost as the Liberty City chapter has been wiped out as well. 

Michael: Well, it's been a long time since I rode a motorcycle, plus I'm retired, but sure, I guess I'm back in business!

Franklin: I used to repo cars! I can repo motorcycles too!

Angus: Great! Welcome to the club brothers!

Michael: We know a guy by the name of Lester Crest. He's great at heist planning!

Malc: Sweet!

Franklin: I got a boy named Lamar and a Rottweiler named Chop. They can join too!

DeSean: Oh, I love those dogs!

Angus: We need all we can get! Welcome to the club brothers!

The official new Los Santos chapter of the Lost MC:

Angus Martin: President

Michael De Santa: Vice President (gives Angus a ride on his motorcycle)

Franklin Clinton: Secretary

Lamar Davis: Treasurer

Malc: Road Captain

DeSean: Sargent at Arms

Patrick McReary: Enforcer

Lester Crest: Heist Planner

Chop: The club's dog

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Ziggy455

You're creating another topic which involves you practically just writing without any effort of editing or need of it. If you're attempting to create a story, try not to add another topic which is the same thing as the previous topic you've made. This isn't a story. The formatting and way you've written this feels rushed as it is littered with grammatical and spelling errors. If you want to continue writing, go for it, but please don't make duplicate posts if you're willing to not learn from the feedback. 

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ThatKyloRenGuy
15 hours ago, Ziggy455 said:

You're creating another topic which involves you practically just writing without any effort of editing or need of it. If you're attempting to create a story, try not to add another topic which is the same thing as the previous topic you've made. This isn't a story. The formatting and way you've written this feels rushed as it is littered with grammatical and spelling errors. If you want to continue writing, go for it, but please don't make duplicate posts if you're willing to not learn from the feedback. 

This is just a little side project. Also, I looked it over and it being "littered" with grammatical and spelling errors sounds like a bit of a stretch to me.

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Ziggy455
9 hours ago, ThatBenGuy said:

This is just a little side project. Also, I looked it over and it being "littered" with grammatical and spelling errors sounds like a bit of a stretch to me.

It is GTA V.1 -- the same title as your previous work with the same characters and rushed script formats. Nobody will read your work if you don't improve the style and editing as it's just another clump of text.

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Loch Dawg

I think you could do a lot better than this to be honest, as Ziggy said the script format makes this feel very rushed and the tone of the conversation just comes off as forced to me. Can you honestly see any of those characters talking like that? I find it hard to see Michael saying:

 

On 8/27/2018 at 12:06 PM, ThatBenGuy said:

Michael: Well, it's been a long time since I rode a motorcycle, plus I'm retired, but sure, I guess I'm back in business!

Or Angus saying:

 

On 8/27/2018 at 12:06 PM, ThatBenGuy said:

Angus: Okay, we have been looking all over the country for new bikers to be a part of the Lost as the Liberty City chapter has been wiped out as well. 

You need to put some effort into the dialogue so people are able to visualise the characters.




 

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universetwisters

So do Angus and Malc just ride around looking for random strangers to join their biker gang?

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ThatKyloRenGuy
On 8/30/2018 at 1:30 PM, universetwisters said:

So do Angus and Malc just ride around looking for random strangers to join their biker gang?

Just in this story. It isn't supposed to be taken for canon. It is just simply fanfiction.

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Beato_dim
9 hours ago, ThatBenGuy said:

Just in this story. It isn't supposed to be taken for canon. It is just simply fanfiction.

Fanfiction is supposed to be good, otherwise what point is there in it?

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ThatKyloRenGuy
5 hours ago, Beato_dim said:

Fanfiction is supposed to be good, otherwise what point is there in it?

It being “good” or “bad” is always just a matter of opinion, NOT fact. 

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universetwisters
17 hours ago, ThatBenGuy said:

Just in this story. It isn't supposed to be taken for canon. It is just simply fanfiction.

 

I mean even though it isn't canon, where's the logic in that?

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Sinner!

I love how M & F agreed to join straight away asking no questions beforehand lmao

 

Also, how does Angus know that they killed T? and why don't M & F quiz him about how he knows?

 

Makes no sense & is thoroughly awful thus far.

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ThatKyloRenGuy
25 minutes ago, Sinner! said:

I love how M & F agreed to join straight away asking no questions beforehand lmao

 

Also, how does Angus know that they killed T? and why don't M & F quiz him about how he knows?

 

Makes no sense & is thoroughly awful thus far.

You have the right to your own opinion. Just simply don't read it.

Edited by ThatBenGuy

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Ziggy455
12 hours ago, ThatBenGuy said:

It being “good” or “bad” is always just a matter of opinion, NOT fact. 

The overwhelming opinion is that you need to stop and rethink the work, and try to put more effort into your presentation and story, thus making it readable and enjoyable.

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Beato_dim
14 hours ago, ThatBenGuy said:

You have the right to your own opinion. Just simply don't read it.

As a guy who used be like that, I'm telling you: that's... not a good way to answer to criticism.

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