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ThatBenGuy

GTA V: Rewritten (ThatBenGuy's version)

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ThatBenGuy
Posted (edited)
10 hours ago, Penguin Bob said:

This story is looking great so far!

Thanks! :) I’m flattered to know you took the time to read all that!

Edited by ThatBenGuy

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ThatBenGuy

THE PALETO SCORE

Trevor called Lester, saying “Hey Lester, after spending perhaps too much time with douchebag FIB agents and this rich prick named Devin Weston, I thought I could spend some time with you and ya know, set up a heist”. Lester sighed and said “Fine! I’ll call up Michael and Franklin as I don’t trust you doing this heist alone, considering the last one you got yourself into!” He hung up and Trevor called the Downtown Cab Company. The taxi driver took him to Lester’s house. Trevor got out, paid the driver, and walked right in. “Care to knock first?” said Lester. “Well, sorry! I can’t help the fact that it’s been almost a whole decade since last time we’ve seen each other” said Trevor. Lester let in Michael and Franklin as they came in next. “So what bank do you wanna rob this time?” asked Lester. “One I know in Blaine County” answered Trevor. “Ok, Michael, you go steal a helicopter from a military base, containing heavy armor and weapons. Franklin, you go find a way to shoot the alarm system of the bank” said Lester. “Listen, T, this is the last major heist I’m going on!” said Michael. “Whatever you say, M!” said Trevor. Michael drove to the military base and snuck into it, stealing a helicopter. There were police and military helicopters coming after him. “F*cking Trevor! Making me steal sh*t like this!” said Michael. Once the heat was lost, he called Trevor, saying “I got the f*cking helicopter. Are you happy now?” “Yes, especially knowing that I just got a call from Franklin, who told me that he just broke the alarm system”. “Where am I supposed to land this stupid thing?” asked Michael. “Oh, in my airstrip and no need to flip out on me, Michael. Lester was the one who told you to do this” said Trevor. “Yeah, but at least Lester wasn’t the one who wanted us to do this stupid heist in the first place!” said Michael. He hung up. After landing the helicopter at the airstrip, Franklin and Trevor showed up. “Is everybody ready?” asked Franklin. “Yep! I’m ready to get this over with as soon as we can!” said Michael. Michael, Trevor, and Franklin hopped in Michael’s car and Michael drove them to the bank. The three of them got out and walked in with their guns. After stealing a whole lot of money, the police showed up. “I can’t wait to catch some bad guys!” said one cop. Another cop shouted into his megaphone “Step out and put your hands in the air where I can see them and nobody gets hurt!” Michael, Trevor, and Franklin walked out of the bank with the stolen heavy armor and weapons. “Holy sh*t!” said the cop. Michael, Trevor, and Franklin used the miniguns on the police cars in order to make them explode. A police helicopter appeared and Michael shot it down. As Michael, Trevor, and Franklin walked along, shooting police officers and their cars, Franklin said “Sh*t! The f*cking military are after us now!” said Michael. Michael, Trevor, and Franklin shot the military and their vehicles as well, clearing a pathway. Michael said “Thos doesn’t have sh*t to do with you!” Trevor said “Go start another war!” Michael, Trevor, and Franklin shot their way all the way to the train station with cops and military personnel telling them to drop their weapons. They lost them by hopping on a train. They eventually hopped off at nighttime in Sandy Shores. “Just like the old days, eh, Michael?” said Trevor. “Well, ya know what? The old days are over and can kiss my ass! I literally thought we weren’t gonna get away with that one!” said Michael. “Come on, Michael. It’s no use arguing with T” said Franklin. “You’re right! Let’s ditch this moron!” said Michael as he walked along with Franklin. Trevor shouted “DON’T FORGET I MADE US ALL WEALTHY!”

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ThatBenGuy

MONKEY BUSINESS

Michael met with Franklin over by the coastline, with Trevor soon to come along as well. “Have you heard from your family yet?” asked Franklin. “Not a f*cking thing! Just my own parents, yet we still live in the same neighborhood” answered Michael. “That’s f*cked up man” said Franklin. Trevor said to Franklin, “The one thing you gotta know with me and Michael-“ Michael interrupted with “Plead f*cking sanity!” Steve and Dave showed up and Steve said “Where’s the other three?” “What other three?” said Michael. “I told you this was a six man job” said Steve. “No you didn’t” said Michael. “Ugh! I’m not gonna argue! Wait here while I phone in Agent Sanchez” said Steve. He phoned in Andreas Sanchez as Michael, Trevor, Franklin, and Dave all stood around hopelessly. After Steve was finished, he told them “Ok, the IAA is running the Humane Labs. We are breaking in to steal the neurotoxin. Franklin, Trevor, wait here for Agent Sanchez. The three of you will be doing the getaway. Michael, you’re coming with me and Dave”. Michael, Steve, and Dave got on the small watercraft, all three of them wearing wetsuits. Michael drove them to the waterway as instructed by Dave. The three of them put on their masks and dove in. Once they were to a gate, Steve gave Michael a oxygen-hydro cutter. He also told him that it was burning at three in a half thousand degrees and had limited supply so Michael should do it right. As Michael was using it, he said “Thanks for the science lesson!” Once it was open, he kicked it open and swam through a tunnel with Steve and Dave. “The water is getting warm” said Dave. “Did you wet your pants, Davey?” said Michael. “The water naturally gets this warm. No one urinated” said Steve. “I know for a fact that ain’t true” said Michael. Once all three of them were out of the tunnel, they swam up and out of the water. They climbed up a ladder. Michael was given a taser gun and told to lead the way. Michael used it to incapacitate lab agents all the way until he got to the neurotoxin he collected. Steve said “Franklin, Trevor, and Agent Sanchez should be coming soon with the chopper! It’s getting heavy so use a real gun”. Michael, Steve, and Dave switched to pistols and shot through the guards until they found their way out. Michael put the neurotoxin in the freezer as instructed. “The helicopter can only hold five. Just go on without me!” said Steve. Michael and Dave hopped in the helicopter while Steve stayed back, only to shoot himself in the knee and be found by United Liberty Paper Contact and a few other IAA agents. Trevor flew the helicopter back to the airstrip and landed it. Along the way, Andreas said “You’ve really outdone yourselves this time. Keep this up and we might as well delete your files!” “Eh, screw all of you federal buzzkills!” said Trevor. “Don’t be a big mouth!” said Michael. As soon as it was landed, Michael, Trevor, Franklin, Dave, and Andreas all got out. Michael said “So what about Steve?” “It’s really us who worry about the IAA even more right now, not him. Just stay out of trouble!” said Dave. “Dave, Andreas, Trevor. You three just do your own things. Franklin and I will have a little student-mentor talk” said Michael. “Whatever you say!” said Dave.

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Mokrie Dela

I've not read all of this, just a glance while I'm waiting for something but I can say just by glancing that you should look into formatting - break things up into paragraphs and new lines.

 

Each new speaker would start a new line and every 'section' of your story a new paragraph. As it stands it's a wall of text and just breaking it up shows more organisation and would make it easier to read.

 

I'll hold my opinion of rewriting gtav back, but I do wonder if maybe you'd be better suited writing a sequel or prequel, allow yourself more creativity and flexibility, and maybe progress to your own original work. Best of luck with this though

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ThatBenGuy

HANG TEN

Trevor walked upstairs to Floyd’s apartment. Floyd came up to him and said “Why don’t you go ruin somebody else’s home furnishings? Get lost Trevor!” “That’s a rather funny way to greet your friend” said Trevor. He kicked open the door, only to find Debra and she screamed. Trevor sat on the sofa and Debra said “I want you to leave NOW!” “Listen, I love you Debra and I love you too Floyd. Why can’t we just all live together? Floyd, you can have Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, I can have Tuesdays and Thursdays, and Debra can have the weekends. I know it doesn’t sound normal but in this crazy, crazy world, is normal so bad?” said Trevor. “Get out of my condo! And you go too Floyd! You and your crazy friend!” said Debra. “The name’s Trevor Philips, honey!” said Trevor. “I couldn’t give a f*ck what your f*cking name is!” said Debra. She picked up a gun and told Trevor “I am giving you and Floyd three seconds to get out of my condo and I am not afraid to use this!” Floyd then pulled out up a knife from the drawer and said “I can defend myself!” “You people are not very f*cking nice!” said Trevor. He was then seen with Floyd and Debra’s blood all over him and Mr. Raspberry Jam in his hands. He walked down to his pickup truck and Wade said “Hey Trevor, have you met Debra yet?” “Interesting lady” said Trevor. There was blood on the windows. Trevor got in his pickup truck with Wade sitting in shotgun and Mr. Raspberry Jam on the dashboard. As Trevor was on his way, Wade asked “Where are we going?” “To the Vanilla Unicorn strip club. Floyd’s gonna meet us there” answered Trevor. “Yay! An all boys’ trip!” said Wade. “Exactly!” said Trevor. “I know Debra can be a little uptight but she can still have fun” said Wade. “She can always visit. We’re living there!” said Trevor. As soon as they got there, Trevor took Mr. Raspberry Jam to the new manager’s room while Wade got distracted by the strippers. Trevor set Mr. Raspberry Jam down on the counter and now we’re back with Michael! Michael is sitting in his living room sofa and got a call from Lester, informing him that Trevor is now occupying the Vanilla Unicorn strip club and he wants them and Franklin to meet him there. “Alright. I’ll be there. Call Franklin” said Michael. He hung up.

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ThatBenGuy

SURVEYING THE SCORE

Michael drove to the Vanilla Unicorn strip club. He got out of his car and walked inside, past Wade, and to Trevor’s room. “Well, Mikey, looks like you’re just in time!” said Trevor. Michael picked up Mr. Raspberry Jam and said “Seriously, Trevor? A f*cking teddy bear?” He then set it down as told by Trevor then sat down on the sofa. Franklin and Lester then showed up. “Alright, Franklin, time for a little history lesson. Back in 1981, there were three guys, Michael, Trevor, and Lester” said Lester. “Four actually, because Brad” said Trevor. “Yeah, yeah” said Lester. “Technically four in a half because of that sh*tty getaway driver named Martin Crowley” said Michael. “Well, Brad and Martin aren’t the point! The point is that we all had a big dream! The big score from none other than-“ said Lester. “The Union Depository!” said Michael, Trevor, and Lester all in unison. “We were never really planning this, but after that pointless Paleto Bay Score, once this is done, we are all going our own separate ways!” said Michael. “Good plan, Michael. At least then it’ll become harder for government agencies to track us” said Lester. “So what did I come out here for?” asked Franklin. Trevor answered “For you to go with Michael and check for security on the UD. Lester and I are gonna follow security cars there from my chopper. It’s called surveying. Let’s get to it!” said Trevor. Michael took Franklin in his car and he drove him to the UD. Along the way, Franklin asked “So whatever happened to your boys from back in the day named Brad and Martin?” “Let’s not discuss it right now. Another time” answered Michael. “I got you” said Franklin. Michael and Franklin checked around the Union Depository then phoned in Trevor. He was in his helicopter with Lester. Trevor and Lester followed the security cars with Lester saying “Don’t let them get away!” “I’m staying plenty close and quiet enough around them, Lest. If anyone’s gonna alert them, it’s gonna be you so hush!” said Trevor. Once they discovered where the security cars were going, Trevor found a big hole in the ground that Lester took a picture of. Trevor then phoned in Michael, who told them he checked all around. Michael then was driving Franklin back to the Von Crastenburg Hotel as told by Trevor. Franklin asked about Brad and Martin then Michael said “It’s a rather complicated story. You can come to my house any time so that we can talk about it. Just not now!” After dropping Franklin off, Franklin walked in and said “I’ll come by soon, Michael”. “Take care!” said Michael.

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ThatBenGuy

BURY THE HATCHET

Michael drove back to his house, walked inside, and sat on the sofa. Just then, Rebecca said “Michael, it’s your friend, Trevor”. “Oh, let him in!” said Michael. Rebecca opened the door and Trevor sat on the sofa with Michael. “So, Michael. I see it’s just your parents living with you now” said Trevor. “Yep! And they’re asleep half the time! F*cking boring! Ya see, Trevor, I’m a guy who wants to make movies. Perhaps I can make a whole lot of money based on both my movies and the last heist we go on” said Michael. “Well ya know what I wanna do? Visit Brad in the hospital. The man has been in a coma for nine years. For all we know, he may have woken up about a week ago. We gotta go visit him and perhaps bring him back to our crew as soon as he’s feeling better” said Trevor. “You go do it yourself. I’m good!” said Michael. “Ya know, Michael. I saw your grave and mourned for you alongside your family and Lester. Now, I currently wonder who’s buried under your grave” said Trevor. “It’s empty. Just dirt!” said Michael. “You treacherous snake! You’re f*cking dead when I find out!” yelled Trevor then he ran out of his house. Michael ran out, sped off in his car, and called Trevor, saying “My mom can cook us a meal and we can have a few beers at my house while talking this out!” said Michael. “F*ck your mom’s overrated meals and everything they stand for!” said Trevor. “I’m trying to save you a trip!” said Michael. “F*ck you!” shouted Trevor. He hung up. Michael then called Dave and said “Davey, I think he knows”. “Who knows what?” asked Dave. “Trevor about Brad” answered Michael. “Sh*t! When he finds out, it might as well be the end of both of us! I would come along, only I have stuff to do” said Dave. He hung up. Michael drove to the airport, got out of his car, and took an airplane to North Yankton. Trevor was a passenger on an airplane right in front of the one Michael was on. Upon arrival, Michael rented a car and while driving, he was having flashbacks of the heist from 2004 as well as fights with Amanda, his parents, Amanda’s parents, and Candace from all the way back then. Once he got to the cemetery, he got out of his car and found Trevor digging up his grave. Michael’s grave was located right in between one that said “Jack and Jill, we were pushed” and one that said “Anna Rexic”. “Trevor, you’ve flown all this way just for nothing! There’s nothing in that coffin!” said Michael. “Let’s see if you’re full of sh*t or not!” said Trevor. He smashed open the coffin with a shovel and found Brad’s corpse. Trevor got out, held Michael at gunpoint, and said “You lying piece of sh*t!” Michael then put a gun to Trevor and said “Brad just so happened to not make it! At least I did! It was every man for himself!” Just then, the triads came and Trevor ran away. Michael shouted “I ain’t the guy you’re after!” The triads still shot at him so Michael was left with no choice but to shoot his way out of the cemetery. Michael then got into his rental car and it wouldn’t start. “F*cking Trevor!” said Michael. Wei Cheng opened his car door and held him at gunpoint, saying “We’re kidnapping you!” Michael got out of his car with his hands in the air with Wei Cheng and other triads pointing guns at him. Meanwhile, once Trevor got to the Los Santos airport and got back in his pickup truck, he got a call from Wei Cheng, who told him he was the father of his eldest son, Tao, whom Trevor did business with. He then said “We have your friend, Michael De Santa. He will die!” Trevor responded with “Tell him I’ll miss him!” then Wei Cheng hung up.

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ThatBenGuy

PACK MAN

Trevor got a call from Lamar. Trevor answered it with “Lamar Davis. What’s up?” “I’m part of the team, that’s what’s up!” said Lamar. “I don’t do teams” said Trevor. “Uh, Devin Weston’s car stealing team. You go pick up the packer while Franklin and I meet you with the last stolen car. We’ve got to take them to Paleto Bay” said Lamar. “That’s a long way but will do!” said Trevor. Meanwhile, Franklin and Lamar hopped in the last stolen car. Franklin drove it to Trevor’s packer. Along the way, Lamar said “I ain’t no amateur anymore! I’m a professional just like you and them old dudes! Devin Weston, that man is for real!” Franklin said “Yeah, you, Trevor, and Devin. Talk about the trinity of insanity”. Once he lined up the car within the packer, he and Lamar got out and closed it up alongside all of the other stolen cars. They then hopped in with Trevor driving. Along the way, Franklin told Trevor and Lamar he’d fall asleep and for them to wake him up when they need him to. “You take a nap. We’ll tell you when to wake up” said Trevor. After Franklin fell asleep, Lamar asked “So where’s that Michael dude I haven’t even met? Franklin told me he burned down our original car stealing business. He even killed our original boss!” “Sounds just like him! He’s a liar, a thief, a killer, and irritable as f*ck! As far as his current condition, it is unconfirmed” said Trevor. “Does Franklin know about this?” asked Lamar. “Probably not. Let’s just allow him to sleep” answered Trevor. “So how long have you and Michael been knowing each other?” asked Lamar. “32 years. Since 1981” answered Trevor. “Damn! That’s when Franklin and I were playing in the sandbox! So tell me what happened with Michael” said Lamar. “Nine years ago, I thought Michael was dead and that Brad was only gonna be in the hospital for a week, but it turns out that Brad was in the ground and Michael was in hiding” said Trevor. “Brad? Who the f*ck is Brad?” asked Lamar. “Another person me and Michael met back in 1981. He died in 2004” answered Trevor. “Michael killed him?” asked Lamar. “Michael got him killed so he ran off with the FIB like the coward he is! And now, he’s being kidnapped by Chinese mobsters” answered Trevor. “Anyone else you guys met back in 1981?” asked Lamar. “Oh, Lester the heist planner and Martin the getaway driver. The first one is still alive and I’m surprised the latter even made it 23 years” answered Trevor. Once they arrived, Trevor and Lamar shouted at Franklin to wake up as soon as the cops suspected they had stolen vehicles. “There’s nothing good about sleeping on the job, n*gga!” said Lamar. Trevor told him to get the cops off of their tail. Franklin climbed on top of the truck, got in a vehicle, and was released. He took out the cops then as soon as they were all gone, he followed Trevor and Lamar to Molly Schultz. Franklin got out of the car and told Trevor and Lamar that he’d handle talking to Devin’s lawyer. Molly said “Hello Franklin”. Franklin responded with “Yeah, where’s Devin at? Probably somewhere meditating or ripping someone off?” “In light of the drama your efforts caused, we decided it was the best idea for you two to not be seen together for awhile” said Molly. “So where’s my money?” asked Franklin. “Devin is holding it and the best that could happen to you has happened” said Molly. “So that’s basically a polite way of saying I’m getting robbed? Are you f*cking serious?” said Franklin. “That’s an immature way of seeing things, Mr. Clinton. Goodbye” said Molly. She got in her car and drove off.

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ThatBenGuy

FRESH MEAT

Franklin got a call from Richard who said “Franklin, it’s me! Michael’s father whom he introduced you to! Our son has been kidnapped by some Chinese mobsters. They’ve sent my wife and I pictures of him hanging upside down at a meat packing plant! Go save him! Now!” “I’m on it!” said Franklin. Franklin got in his car and began driving. Along the way, he called Trevor. He said “Trevor, dog! Michael’s been kidnapped by some Chinese dudes. We gotta help him out!” “Na, I’ll leave that to you! He betrayed me so I can’t” said Trevor. Franklin hung up and drove even faster. Meanwhile, Wei Cheng told Michael “You have wasted several good men of mine. It is time for you to go!” He walked away and told the other triads to watch over Michael. Just then, Franklin arrived at the meat packing plant, shooting triads on the outside and all the way inside until he finally found Michael. “Franklin! You found me! Thank God!” said Michael. Franklin threw him a pistol and he caught it. Michael shot himself down. Franklin helped him up. Michael and Franklin shot their way out of the meat packing plant with Michael saying “This is the last time I ever get mistaken for being Trevor’s friend!” Franklin and Michael hopped in a stolen car belonging to one of the triads and Franklin sped off in it. Franklin called Richard and said “I have Michael. He’s okay!” “Oh Rebecca and I can’t thank you enough, Franklin! Bring him back home! We need to know he’s alright!” said Richard. “Sure thing!” said Franklin. “Sad to see that’s your only family that cares enough about you” said Franklin. “Yeah, but you’ll always be family to me. Thanks Franklin” said Michael. “No problem, dog!” said Franklin. “I have a headache from hanging upside down most of the day! I legit thought it was gonna be the end of me right there!” said Michael. Franklin dropped off Michael at his house. He got out with him and Richard and Rebecca hugged Michael. Richard said “Franklin, our opinion on you has gone up dramatically”. “Trevor was the one who set me up to this” said Michael. “We figured as much. I swear if he comes ANYWHERE near us again, I am getting a restraining order!” said Rebecca. “I don’t blame ya!” said Michael. Michael, Richard, and Rebecca all patted Franklin on the back. “Now I’ve gotta get a whole lot of rest” said Michael. “I feel ya, dog. You go do that! Peace out!” said Franklin. He drove off.

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ThatBenGuy

THE BALLAD OF ROCCO

Michael woke up the next day, feeling much better. He drove to Majestic Movie Studios, only to find Solomon Richards being beaten up by Rocco Pelosi and Gianni. “Those films are being distributed by the Ancelotti crime syndicate or they ain’t being distributed! Got it, old man?” said Rocco. Michael shouted “HEY! Why don’t you pick on an old man who CAN defend himself?!” shouted Michael. Rocco and Gianni hopped in their car with Rocco speeding off. “After them!” shouted Solomon. “Anything for you!” said Michael. He got in his car and chased Rocco and Gianni. He crashed into their car then got out and shot both of them as they were still in it. He shoved Rocco’s corpse out of his car while shouting “The dead don’t drive!” then also kicked out Gianni’s corpse. Michael drove away then called Solomon saying “Both Italian mafia assholes are dead!” “Great! Thanks for killing those punks!” said Solomon. “Hey! No problem!” said Michael. “Progress is going great with that movie of yours!” said Solomon. “F*cking sweet! I’ll be there as soon as it’s ready!” said Michael.

 

REUNITING THE FAMILY

Michael drove back to his house and sat on the sofa. He heard a knocking on his door. Rebecca answered it and shouted “Michael! It’s your son Jimmy!” Michael came to the door and said “Jimmy! Nice to see ya! Just when I thought you’ve outgrown your dad!” “I really did miss you, dad. Amanda said she’s only going to be living with you as long as you agree to allow her parents and sister move in too and also if you go see Dr. Friedlander” said Jimmy. “Hey! Anything to get my family back together! There’s enough room in this house for everybody! Step right in! And by the way, where’s Amanda, Tracey, Candace, John, and Victoria?” asked Michael. “Tracey’s with Lazlow Jones. The rest are at the cafe nearby the tattoo parlor” answered Jimmy. “For once, you’re actually useful! I’ll step right to it!” said Michael. He got in his car and drove to the tattoo parlor. He got out of his car, walked in, strapped Lazlow down, took his shirt off, and tattooed a penis with testicles onto his chest. He also cut off his ponytail and put piercings in him as Lazlow was screaming “I look like a hipster now!” He also cried over his lost ponytail. Tracey was in shock. Michael said “Get in the car, Trace!” He got inbhus car, drove to the cafe, told Tracey to wait right there, got out and said “Well, look who’s back everybody?” “Have you had that therapy session yet?” said Amanda. “Don’t worry. I will, I just thought I’d get you altogether first” said Michael. “Then perhaps we should all go with you” said Amanda. “You take John and Victoria, I’ll take Tracey and Candace. Meet you there!” said Michael. Michael and Candace got in the car with Tracey still there. Along the way to Dr. Friedlander’s office, Candace said “It’s good that you see a psychiatrist, Michael, because you are in desperate need of it!” “I’m not gonna argue because it was always pointless doing it with my wife from the get go!” said Michael. Once he met Amanda, John, and Victoria there, all six of them got out of the two cars, walked inside, and sat down on the sofa. “I see you brought along the whole family. Where’s Jimmy and your parents?” asked Dr. Friedlandler. “At my house. They decided there’s only so much drama they can handle. Can you really blame them?” said Michael. “Ya know what, Michael? You do nothing but lie, steal, cheat, and kill people then sit in the sun and feel guilty about it. That is NOT progress, Michael! The one and only reason I agreed to move back in with you is through Jimmy’s persuasions!” said Amanda. There soon was a big fight between everyone except John and Victoria. “I’m 68 and my husband is almost 71! This is more than we can handle at our ages!” said Victoria. “I second her!” said John. “For you two’s sake, I’ll let you all go!” said Dr. Friedlander. Michael told Amanda that she can take Tracey and Candace while this time, he takes John and Victoria back to his house. “Yeah, sure, whatever! Meet you there!” said Amanda. As Michael drove back to his house, John asked “So, how’s it been going with that crazy friend of yours named Trevor?” “Not good at all. I got kidnapped by some crazy Chinese mobsters and they nearly killed me! I’m surprised I somehow managed to escape” answered Michael. “That’s terrible! At least I’m glad you’re okay!” said John. “Me too. Had I known, I would’ve probably tried to find some help” said Victoria. “I always knew that Trevor was no good! At least he didn’t have any influence on our daughter” said John. Once they met up with Amanda, Tracey, and Candace at Michael’s house, they all got out and walked inside. *Amanda, Tracey, Jimmy, Richard, Rebecca, John, Victoria, and Candace all now live with Michael*.

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Wackyshrek

Jesus christ my rewritten versions still only on complications

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ThatBenGuy

LEGAL TROUBLE
Michael drove back to the Majestic Movie Studio and walked into Solomon Richards's while saying "Hello, hello" office only to find Molly and Devin. "Devin, what the hell are you and your lawyer doing here? Where the f*ck is Solomon?" asked Michael. "Solomon is out getting the negatives. The last dinosaur is about to get fossilized" said Devin. "What the f*ck are you talking about?" asked Michael. "Look, the movie is nearly done and this movie studio is gonna be torn down in order to build a shopping mall in its place!" said Devin. Solomon barged in with the film and said "Michael! They're f*cking us! They're wolves in turd's clothing!" Molly took the film from Solomon Richards and Michael asked "Where's she going with my film?" "To my private train station. She's taking it somewhere nice and safe, but hey! At least this shopping mall is gonna attract men, women, and children alike!" said Devin. Michael responded with "I've had ENOUGH people screwing me over in my life! This film studio ain't getting turned into sh*t!" He gave Devin two pushes while saying "F*ck! That!" He then left while shouting "I'm a producer! Nobody f*cks with my film!" He got in his car and after putting his foot to the gas, Devin called him, saying "Fun time is over, Slick!" "I'm not gonna clap anyone! I just want my movie back! Sorry, but I have no time to talk, Slick!" then hung up. After getting to Molly's location, he chased after her. The police and FIB were also following Molly, shouting "Ms. Schultz, you're gonna be okay! just stop your car! We'll protect you!" She didn't though and as the chase went on, the FIB shouted "Stop your car! You're putting police officers and FIB agents alike in danger!" As they git to the train station, Michael got out of his car. Molly ran away on foot, shooting "He wants to kill me!" As Michael ran after Molly, military personnel additionally stepped in. Molly then was stuck on train tracks and was run over by a train. "That doesn't look right!" said Michael. Michael picked up the film and got out of the train tracks as soon as the coast was clear. He ran out of the police station and shouted "Aw crap!" as he was surrounded by police officers, FIB agents, and military personnel. He got back in his car and eventually lost them all. Solomon gave him a call. Michael said "I'm doing decent for a man who just witnessed Devin's lawyer get hit by a train". "That's horrible!" said Solomon. "It is but at least I've got the movie and it's close to screen time for it!" said Michael. He hung up.

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universetwisters

Please for the love of god format this better because each "rewrite" is just an awful ridiculously long paragraph.

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RetroMystic

You’re allowed to post your story in something other than huge walls of texts.

 

 

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