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Marcos18

Transcript of Heartland Values With Nurse Bob

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Marcos18

Can someone please send me the transcript of this show? Or share a link with the transcript.

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SeroH
Posted (edited)

LCFR female announcer: Now, some cheap syndicated content from the south. Heartland Values with Nurse Bob.
Nurse Bob: Today on Heartland Values with Nurse Bob.
Girl: Yeah, Mike's been potty training for a while now, but he really gets mad sometimes.
Girl: Now Mikey, what did you do in your pants again?
Mike: Shut up, bitch! Jesus, caught me some slack!
Girl: He hides in his room and the home theater room. He doesn't eat, there's beer cans everywhere. He's casually touching himself.
NB: Mike, like you're 33.
Mike: I know, I know, help me to fix it, Nurse Bob.
NB: Well you're just gonna have to get happy in the same nappy you just got crappy in. I'm toilet trained, I'm 45!
NB: Oooh Weee! What a me...you need a spanking.
Male #1: My girlfriend Rachel and I have been together for a long time and she wants to take it to the next level.
NB: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! How long have you been dating?
Male #1: We've been dating for eight years.
NB: Listen to me, man. Sex is not a natural act! Now look, if we don't teach our kids that. We might as well, pack up our toys and say the grand playdate is over. There be an Adam and Eve or Hugh and Steve, keep it in your trousers or get arrested for exposure. It's the only way...OK, people let's fix it.
Male announcer: It's Heartland Values with your host, Nurse Bob.
NB: Alright, welcome to the show!...Thank you, thank you!...Oh! Shut up! Bunch of damn clucking hens looking at a cockerel...Alright today now, you better bring some quarters coz we have a doozy. First, let's meet Matt, now Matt's been cheating on his wife. No, Matt...is your mistress hot? Hell yeah, she's hot, my father taught me something; With women, if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you and I ain't talking about using the tradesmen's entrance. Have you ever heard of a coat hanger, yeah? How can you be so dumb? Did you climb the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down? You may remember our show a few months ago with Chuck, now Chuck and his wife had been married three months and he says: "He's not ready yet to have kids".
Chuck: I wanna wait a couple of years.
NB: Uh? That's your solution!?! Women, who wants to come up here and beat this man with a stick? Will you catch up with Chuck and his new best friend, reality check in a bit. But right now let's meet Catherine, now she blames herself because her marriage isn't working, what happened?
Catherine: I came home, and I found other women in my bed.
NB: Well, how did you found her?
Catherine: They were right in the kitchen!
NB: Now hold strong, it's OK. Now describe your feelings and vitally exactly what you saw, and don't be afraid to get graphic!
Catherine: He was on the kitchen counter and there were two of them. Oh they were just glistening, they were going at it all so sweaty, ugh! I blame myself, please help me to fix it, Nurse Bob.
NB: Oh, you better bet your best and brightest bonnet, we're gonna fix it and you know how? Get on the treadmill, fatty!
Catherine: What did you just say to me?
NB: Oh, that's your mouth talking but why aren't you feet walking, what does your heart tell you is what I'm telling to you. Now my, my patented definition of insanity is doing something repeatedly and expecting different results. Right either that or...or fantasizing about your mother-in-law but good let's move on now. Now and you keep hitting the buffet, I mean, I like to eat but I ain't fat. If I can do it, so can you fix it, girl. Tell me now, tell me now, what is cheating?
Catherine: Well, when a monogamous couple decide, uh...
NB: Shut up, let me help you here. Why do people chew gum? It's simple, if the horse is out of the stable, it's time for some hay. And you, you need to ride that horse in the opposite direction and don't look back. I mean, Catherine, what are your long term plans, huh?
Catherine: Well first I won't have more children, and I really want to retire in Vice City.
NB: I don't mean how many hams you got in the oven and how much lard you put in the cheesecake. I am talking about ending up in the big oven down below. About the fire of cheesecake of hell, do you know who created Darwin, well it wasn't a monkey. Christmas is about more than the pedophile in a red suit and the midgets though sometimes we do get confused with all the these cartoon specials on the TV. Now look life ain't a cartoon, and it sure is hell in a handbasket ain't no game, it's serious and it's meant to be miserable. Catherine, Catherine, honey, listen to me, you've got some work to do. Alright, we'll be back after this, go on girl, it's OK to cry.
Male announcer: Coming up next on Heartland Values with Nurse Bob.
Chris: I would go three or four times a week, my friends thought I was really into waterslides or theme parks, I am so ashamed.
NB: Now Chris, when you look at man playing golf, what are you thinking boy? Sticking that ball in the green, huh? huh? I mean which bit do you enjoy the game or the shower afterwards. It's time to get some value. Who made you god!?! Why are you acting like a supreme being!?! You better pray, dipsh*t and I'm talking about right now. There's otherwise, you are going to burn. Look, I've got some fire lighters here right now. I've got some...I've got some road flares and a bottle of paraffin. You want me to set you on fire, Chris, do you? Do you, boy? You ever seen any movies about Vietnam, boy? Have you ever seen any? You better start thinking and stop stinking!
(Commercial break: Bathtub Gin Still)
Hillbilly announcer: For the collector who has everything, now you can own a piece of our heritage that really means something. It's a taste of history of old horsey, a genuine replica authentic work is prohibition-era domestice usage Bathtub Gin Still, relive the humor entrepeneurial spirit and tradition of the glory days, with the beverage that built a nation, whether is ruckus juice, alley bourbun, skull cracker, white lightning or momma's medicine, no matter what you call it the old horsing Bathtub Gin Still never ceases to delight. When old horsey, alcohol is the solution in more ways than one, you can not only take the pain away of daily life but also put it to all kinds of other soluble uses: bleeding cuts, removing paint, molotov cocktails, bleaching hair, remove inside, cleaning the toilet or use it as a fun addition to breakfast, lunch or dinner and your superb visit is a handy substitute for petrol in your car and with the world about the colossal Y2K, you can really never be too self-sufficient. Old horsey, a genuine replica authentic work is prohibition-era domestic usage Bathtub Gin Still, visit bathtubginstill.com for more.
LCFR male announcer: Liberty City Free Radio is radio where anyone can have a show, and they do.
Male announcer: Welcome back to Heartland Values with Nurse Bob.
NB: OK, we're back, let's talk to the Heartland.
Unknown caller #1: First of all, Nurse Bob, I love your show, it's f*cking great. It's my son Jeremy, he loves to draw and do sculpture, I think he wants to go to art school, she don't encourage him, you know, be supportive. Don't you think I'll make him a sissy?
NB: (Laughs)
Unknown caller #1: You think I'll make him a sissy? I mean, he already wears a dress.
NB: Have you got a turd in your pocket because I'm smelling something. What you oughta do is encourage him with a whuppin, art ain't no way to make a living. You be careful, you won't have your home overrun by trannies. What, did you eat a slice of stupid pie or a little slice of moron cake? Next caller.
Melissa: Hi, Nurse Bob, my name is Melissa. How much wine is healthy for you? I was reading in the Liberty Tree that a glass a day is good for the heart.
NB: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Stop! Do you wanna divorce? Huh? Do you? Melissa, do you wanna divorce?
Melissa: Ummm...
NB: Wouldn't that be peachy, wouldn't that just be peachy if we could all just sit around the house swilling red wine all day and looking at a Complete The Look or some of the mother yuppie hippie catalogues. Let me guess, Melissa, you've alienated all your friends, huh? have you?
Melissa: Yeah, mostly coz I listened to your show all the time and I tell people they should live by your advice.
NB: Uh huh, but friends can be very destructive. No, there are only two things that matter to you, that's me and the executive producer of this world. And when it comes to drinking numberless I'll tell you who else likes drinking...the devil. The devil drinks everyday, sometimes at lunch time. Now in my book, hey stupid, wake up the big man who wants to talk to you, I am very clear about this, I mean, oh sure you can have a glass of Chateau de Buff Cabernet with dinner, but do you have any idea what this is doing spiritually.
Melissa: Ummm...
NB: Or where this ends?
Melissa: No?
NB: Now listen, you know what Gandhi says about this, don't you?
Melissa: No?
NB: Well neither do I it's a sin to read that stuff, you damn heathen. Now open your eyes, and shut your mouth, windbag! Wahoo, I tell you, god really broke the mold when he made you, he put you in a stupid mold and put in extra dump juice. You shouldn't be reading books, you should be listening to me, and then buy my book. Next caller.
Unknown caller #2: Hey nurse, it's getting worse.
NB: I'm here to help, you rang the call button, what's on your mind?
Unknown caller #2: I keep catching my children playing doctor, my six-year-old even made a speculum.
NB: Oh oh, that ain't right, what did you do to punish your kids? Timeout?
Unknown caller #2: Well, yeah!
NB: Oh, OK.
Unknown caller #2: I'm not really affective.
NB: This ain't a damn football game, it's a little pastime called life, dummy! We'll only call a timeout when the quarterback is bleeding and has dislocated his shoulder seven plays ago.
Unknown caller #2: What are you talking about? I wanna know is it natural to play doctor.
NB: Natural? NO! The only time your kids should be playing doctors is when you broke the other ones arm. If we don't teach our kids that their bodies are filthy, disgusting and dirty, that women are sin and their emotions can be suppressed by cold showers. How? How in the hell are they supposed to grow up well adjusted. Next caller, you're on Heartland Values with Nurse Bob, let's fix it.
Luke: Hi, Nurse Bob, my name is Luke, my wife and I are fighting coz I play Exsorbeo all the time, I love one-eyed monster war, do you have any advice?
NB: Ooh, well what do we have here? Moses up a gum tree without a ladder, sometimes you have to cauterize the wound, Luke. A stitch in time saves nine stitches being the important word, Lick...I mean Luke, Luke, Luke you know no matter how mad you get, a man should never hit a woman in public. If you got a troubled wife, don't tell it to me, tell the executive producer in the sky, he's gonna cancel your sitcom. You need to say to yourself: "I'm a terrible person, and I should die". You know what, before we go, I just wanna tell you a little story, when life goes knocking you better answer the door, remember that...or you're gonna be burning for eternity before you know it. Well that's all we have time for. Next time, we're gonna tell women more strategies for making a successful family life with the help of my newest book "15 Minutes to Domestic Heaven". And if you're trying to lose weight, I got some great new weight loss tips from Colombia. Now remember what my daddy said: "Don't you tell nobody about me coming in here at night". That's right, sweep it under the carpet, we'll see you next time.
LCFR female announcer: That was Heartland Values with Nurse Bob, showing why foreign countries hates us.
LCFR male announcer: LCFR, more talk, less thought.

Edited by SeroH

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Marcos18
On 7/1/2018 at 7:17 PM, SeroH said:

LCFR female announcer: Now, some cheap syndicated content from the south. Heartland Values with Nurse Bob.
Nurse Bob: Today on Heartland Values with Nurse Bob.
Girl: Yeah, Mike's been potty training for a while now, but he really gets mad sometimes.
Girl: Now Mikey, what did you do in your pants again?
Mike: Shut up, bitch! Jesus, caught me some slack!
Girl: He hides in his room and the home theater room. He doesn't eat, there's beer cans everywhere. He's casually touching himself.
NB: Mike, like you're 33.
Mike: I know, I know, help me to fix it, Nurse Bob.
NB: Well you're just gonna have to get happy in the same nappy you just got crappy in. I'm toilet trained, I'm 45!
NB: Oooh Weee! What a me...you need a spanking.
Male #1: My girlfriend Rachel and I have been together for a long time and she wants to take it to the next level.
NB: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! How long have you been dating?
Male #1: We've been dating for eight years.
NB: Listen to me, man. Sex is not a natural act! Now look, if we don't teach our kids that. We might as well, pack up our toys and say the grand playdate is over. There be an Adam and Eve or Hugh and Steve, keep it in your trousers or get arrested for exposure. It's the only way...OK, people let's fix it.
Male announcer: It's Heartland Values with your host, Nurse Bob.
NB: Alright, welcome to the show!...Thank you, thank you!...Oh! Shut up! Bunch of damn clucking hens looking at a cockerel...Alright today now, you better bring some quarters coz we have a doozy. First, let's meet Matt, now Matt's been cheating on his wife. No, Matt...is your mistress hot? Hell yeah, she's hot, my father taught me something; With women, if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you and I ain't talking about using the tradesmen's entrance. Have you ever heard of a coat hanger, yeah? How can you be so dumb? Did you climb the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down? You may remember our show a few months ago with Chuck, now Chuck and his wife had been married three months and he says: "He's not ready yet to have kids".
Chuck: I wanna wait a couple of years.
NB: Uh? That's your solution!?! Women, who wants to come up here and beat this man with a stick? Will you catch up with Chuck and his new best friend, reality check in a bit. But right now let's meet Catherine, now she blames herself because her marriage isn't working, what happened?
Catherine: I came home, and I found other women in my bed.
NB: Well, how did you found her?
Catherine: They were right in the kitchen!
NB: Now hold strong, it's OK. Now describe your feelings and vitally exactly what you saw, and don't be afraid to get graphic!
Catherine: He was on the kitchen counter and there were two of them. Oh they were just glistening, they were going at it all so sweaty, ugh! I blame myself, please help me to fix it, Nurse Bob.
NB: Oh, you better bet your best and brightest bonnet, we're gonna fix it and you know how? Get on the treadmill, fatty!
Catherine: What did you just say to me?
NB: Oh, that's your mouth talking but why aren't you feet walking, what does your heart tell you is what I'm telling to you. Now my, my patented definition of insanity is doing something repeatedly and expecting different results. Right either that or...or fantasizing about your mother-in-law but good let's move on now. Now and you keep hitting the buffet, I mean, I like to eat but I ain't fat. If I can do it, so can you fix it, girl. Tell me now, tell me now, what is cheating?
Catherine: Well, when a monogamous couple decide, uh...
NB: Shut up, let me help you here. Why do people chew gum? It's simple, if the horse is out of the stable, it's time for some hay. And you, you need to ride that horse in the opposite direction and don't look back. I mean, Catherine, what are your long term plans, huh?
Catherine: Well first I won't have more children, and I really want to retire in Vice City.
NB: I don't mean how many hams you got in the oven and how much lard you put in the cheesecake. I am talking about ending up in the big oven down below. About the fire of cheesecake of hell, do you know who created Darwin, well it wasn't a monkey. Christmas is about more than the pedophile in a red suit and the midgets though sometimes we do get confused with all the these cartoon specials on the TV. Now look life ain't a cartoon, and it sure is hell in a handbasket ain't no game, it's serious and it's meant to be miserable. Catherine, Catherine, honey, listen to me, you've got some work to do. Alright, we'll be back after this, go on girl, it's OK to cry.
Male announcer: Coming up next on Heartland Values with Nurse Bob.
Chris: I would go three or four times a week, my friends thought I was really into waterslides or theme parks, I am so ashamed.
NB: Now Chris, when you look at man playing golf, what are you thinking boy? Sticking that ball in the green, huh? huh? I mean which bit do you enjoy the game or the shower afterwards. It's time to get some value. Who made you god!?! Why are you acting like a supreme being!?! You better pray, dipsh*t and I'm talking about right now. There's otherwise, you are going to burn. Look, I've got some fire lighters here right now. I've got some...I've got some road flares and a bottle of paraffin. You want me to set you on fire, Chris, do you? Do you, boy? You ever seen any movies about Vietnam, boy? Have you ever seen any? You better start thinking and stop stinking!
(Commercial break: Bathtub Gin Still)
Hillbilly announcer: For the collector who has everything, now you can own a piece of our heritage that really means something. It's a taste of history of old horsey, a genuine replica authentic work is prohibition-era domestice usage Bathtub Gin Still, relive the humor entrepeneurial spirit and tradition of the glory days, with the beverage that built a nation, whether is ruckus juice, alley bourbun, skull cracker, white lightning or momma's medicine, no matter what you call it the old horsing Bathtub Gin Still never ceases to delight. When old horsey, alcohol is the solution in more ways than one, you can not only take the pain away of daily life but also put it to all kinds of other soluble uses: bleeding cuts, removing paint, molotov cocktails, bleaching hair, remove inside, cleaning the toilet or use it as a fun addition to breakfast, lunch or dinner and your superb visit is a handy substitute for petrol in your car and with the world about the colossal Y2K, you can really never be too self-sufficient. Old horsey, a genuine replica authentic work is prohibition-era domestic usage Bathtub Gin Still, visit bathtubginstill.com for more.
LCFR male announcer: Liberty City Free Radio is radio where anyone can have a show, and they do.
Male announcer: Welcome back to Heartland Values with Nurse Bob.
NB: OK, we're back, let's talk to the Heartland.
Unknown caller #1: First of all, Nurse Bob, I love your show, it's f*cking great. It's my son Jeremy, he loves to draw and do sculpture, I think he wants to go to art school, she don't encourage him, you know, be supportive. Don't you think I'll make him a sissy?
NB: (Laughs)
Unknown caller #1: You think I'll make him a sissy? I mean, he already wears a dress.
NB: Have you got a turd in your pocket because I'm smelling something. What you oughta do is encourage him with a whuppin, art ain't no way to make a living. You be careful, you won't have your home overrun by trannies. What, did you eat a slice of stupid pie or a little slice of moron cake? Next caller.
Melissa: Hi, Nurse Bob, my name is Melissa. How much wine is healthy for you? I was reading in the Liberty Tree that a glass a day is good for the heart.
NB: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Stop! Do you wanna divorce? Huh? Do you? Melissa, do you wanna divorce?
Melissa: Ummm...
NB: Wouldn't that be peachy, wouldn't that just be peachy if we could all just sit around the house swilling red wine all day and looking at a Complete The Look or some of the mother yuppie hippie catalogues. Let me guess, Melissa, you've alienated all your friends, huh? have you?
Melissa: Yeah, mostly coz I listened to your show all the time and I tell people they should live by your advice.
NB: Uh huh, but friends can be very destructive. No, there are only two things that matter to you, that's me and the executive producer of this world. And when it comes to drinking numberless I'll tell you who else likes drinking...the devil. The devil drinks everyday, sometimes at lunch time. Now in my book, hey stupid, wake up the big man who wants to talk to you, I am very clear about this, I mean, oh sure you can have a glass of Chateau de Buff Cabernet with dinner, but do you have any idea what this is doing spiritually.
Melissa: Ummm...
NB: Or where this ends?
Melissa: No?
NB: Now listen, you know what Gandhi says about this, don't you?
Melissa: No?
NB: Well neither do I it's a sin to read that stuff, you damn heathen. Now open your eyes, and shut your mouth, windbag! Wahoo, I tell you, god really broke the mold when he made you, he put you in a stupid mold and put in extra dump juice. You shouldn't be reading books, you should be listening to me, and then buy my book. Next caller.
Unknown caller #2: Hey nurse, it's getting worse.
NB: I'm here to help, you rang the call button, what's on your mind?
Unknown caller #2: I keep catching my children playing doctor, my six-year-old even made a speculum.
NB: Oh oh, that ain't right, what did you do to punish your kids? Timeout?
Unknown caller #2: Well, yeah!
NB: Oh, OK.
Unknown caller #2: I'm not really affective.
NB: This ain't a damn football game, it's a little pastime called life, dummy! We'll only call a timeout when the quarterback is bleeding and has dislocated his shoulder seven plays ago.
Unknown caller #2: What are you talking about? I wanna know is it natural to play doctor.
NB: Natural? NO! The only time your kids should be playing doctors is when you broke the other ones arm. If we don't teach our kids that their bodies are filthy, disgusting and dirty, that women are sin and their emotions can be suppressed by cold showers. How? How in the hell are they supposed to grow up well adjusted. Next caller, you're on Heartland Values with Nurse Bob, let's fix it.
Luke: Hi, Nurse Bob, my name is Luke, my wife and I are fighting coz I play Exsorbeo all the time, I love one-eyed monster war, do you have any advice?
NB: Ooh, well what do we have here? Moses up a gum tree without a ladder, sometimes you have to cauterize the wound, Luke. A stitch in time saves nine stitches being the important word, Lick...I mean Luke, Luke, Luke you know no matter how mad you get, a man should never hit a woman in public. If you got a troubled wife, don't tell it to me, tell the executive producer in the sky, he's gonna cancel your sitcom. You need to say to yourself: "I'm a terrible person, and I should die". You know what, before we go, I just wanna tell you a little story, when life goes knocking you better answer the door, remember that...or you're gonna be burning for eternity before you know it. Well that's all we have time for. Next time, we're gonna tell women more strategies for making a successful family life with the help of my newest book "15 Minutes to Domestic Heaven". And if you're trying to lose weight, I got some great new weight loss tips from Colombia. Now remember what my daddy said: "Don't you tell nobody about me coming in here at night". That's right, sweep it under the carpet, we'll see you next time.
LCFR female announcer: That was Heartland Values with Nurse Bob, showing why foreign countries hates us.
LCFR male announcer: LCFR, more talk, less thought.

Thank you very much. I was looking for so many times, thank you very much 

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SeroH
11 hours ago, Marcos18 said:

Thank you very much. I was looking for so many times, thank you very much 

No problem, Marcos

 

I might say LCFR shows have funny dialogues indeed

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