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JaberDoe

Script Feedback: "ACCIDENTALLY" ~60pgs

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JaberDoe

Hiya!

 

I’m looking for some feedback on my script writing, so I’d like to post what I’ve done here and if there’s anyone who could check it out and let me know that would be great!

 

I’ve basically done this “mini-series” for the sake of improving my writing by means of practice, so because it’s my first script it is beyond rough.

There was a basic plot outline, but I pretty much changed so much and wrote down what came to me it’s unrecognizable from what it originally was.

 

Plot summary:

 

“A hitman gets hired by a mysterious figure who turns out to be psychotic. This leads our character, Const, to spiral down a hole of parallel universes, clones(?), accidental self-murder and talking vegetables.”

 

Lovely, isn’t it?

I know it's completely ridiculous.

 

I was inspired a lot by Quantum Leap, Inception, Hannibal and David Lynch’s stuff in some ways.

 

Basically, I want to know if my writing and formatting are up to snuff, whether my dialogue makes sense, and in what ways I need to improve to work on proper screenplays.

 

Anyways, without further blah-blah, here are the links to all 5½ episodes (total: ~60pgs):

 

Episode #1 http://docdro.id/8qbAbCw

Episode #2 http://docdro.id/xlKfE54

Episode #3 http://docdro.id/sYFbvio

Episode #4 http://docdro.id/zN03HUT

Episode #4.5 http://docdro.id/1QCUkNb

Episode #5 (Finale) http://docdro.id/M5lM9dP

 

Thanks for any comments/feedback.

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Leftist Bastard

I'v read one episode so far; I think the premise is pretty interesting. Personally speaking i'm a sucker for stories that involve contract killers and this seem weird in it's own delightful little way, I can see the Lynch influences already but some of the dialogue could use some work. For starters i'v got the genders of each character all confused which is if the intended effect is fine but thought I should point it out.

 

 

When you're dealing with a situation like this - there are two ways you can go about it. If you've ever watched Michael Clayton, there is that scene where Tilda Swinton tries to hire her two Fixers to kill a man - I wish I could find it on YouTube - but they basically talk around the subject. Holding up plausible deniability. ''Can you do the thing'' ''can you take care of it'' etc that sort of thing. Alternatively you can be clinical about it, to show professionalism on everyone's part. Now i'm assuming you want Const for instance to come off as at least mildly competent. This bit, for instance:

 

 

 

Where does he live? What's his name? His schedule? His social environment? Is he a loner?

 

Less is more. That's several seconds of somewhat clunky dialogue (social environment and then pointing out that he's a loner at once is redundant) that could be trimmed down to a single neat sentence of dialogue or even just emoting on the part of your actors to get the point across. Const grabs hold of the picture, and looks at Hanz all bewildered and confused. As if is waiting for more - this shows us that our hitman has done this before and the unusual nature of the contract; and then it switches back to Hanz cold shouldering Const.

 

Speaking of which, i'd change some of the lines around. So it would maybe scrap the ''he told me this will be easy part'' and just abridge it into ''If I knew this would be such a hassle, I would have done the job myself'' done the work sounds awkward, IMO.

 

Now we move to the alternate universe - i'd remove the line that explicitly mentions Deja Vu. Again that would be something you can communicate visually and these people don't really know each other past an illegal business connection so they'd try to keep it as formal as possible.

 

Hanz's entire ''talking to herself'' bit could be abridged into ''Mr. Blue would understand''

 

Again most of this is just my opinion and some observations i'v made. I'm not a professional screen writer by any means and I will take a look at the rest of the episodes when I can, but this is a genuinely interesting concept and I hope to see more of your work around.

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JaberDoe

Really appreciate the feedback, bud!

Thanks a whole lot.

 

I'm definitely noting this down.

 

I tried leaving the character's gender open (at least in episode one) for the sake of not restricting what actor can play them.

 

Aha! I felt like there were issues with the dialogue.

Even in the episode 2-3 I feel like the dialogue is overly long and redundant as you've mentioned.

I've tried correcting that in episode 4-5.

 

May I ask what you thought of the formatting? As in the way the screenplay is structured?

I feel like I'm doing something wrong in that aspect.

Edited by JaberDoe

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Leftist Bastard

I can't comment too much on the structure but in general 1 page = 1 minute of screen time so you're looking at an hour or 60 minutes of content divided by 5? how do you envision that happening?

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JaberDoe

Right.

 

I planned episode one to be ~5 minutes; episodes two, three and four ~10 minutes each; episode 41/2 to be ~5 minutes; and episode 5 about 20 minutes.

Should be okay then.

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Mokrie Dela

It would be better for you to post the actual script here in as a post as we dont really allow outside links in this fashion. It also makes it easier for people to read. You can always add a link to download the work in your signature or at the bottom of your post.

 

I won't remove the links at this time however, but I would recommend editing your post and posting the actual script here - you can post each scene/chapter as a new post and link to it in your first post (check out three worlds, or my stories for example)

 

I can't offer much feedback on scripts because they're not my area of expertise, but hopefully one of the other guys will tear into this :)

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JaberDoe

Ah, okay. Understood! :)

 

One thing: I wanted some feedback on the structure/format of the scripts, to be sure if they're okay for practical filming use.

When I post it here, the formatting is a bit different, of course. I can try making it as similar as possible, but there's still a difference.

 

Example:

 

***

 

ACT ONE
INT. MAJLIS - PARALLEL UNIVERSE #1
OPENING SHOT SHOWS THE ENTIRE MAJLIS AND TWO PEOPLE SITTING
IN THE MIDDLE. CONST, A VERY COOL PERSON. HANZ, A VERY CALM
PERSON, MUGS IN FRONT OF THEM BOTH. THEY BOTH TAKE
DELIBERATE SIPS.
CONST.
So, what’d you call me here for?
HANZ
I hear you specialize in work that
is... not strictly speaking, legal.
***
I could place it at the bottom of my post as suggested, does that mean right above my signature?
Can I put all 6 links separately?

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Mokrie Dela

It can be challenging to post here with formatting but it's still possible. There's other scripts posted here; perhaps they might help you in your quest - as said I know next to nothing about scripts so I can't help with that.

 

I'm happy with posting links (or a single link) as alternatives to posting on here. It's easier for people to read and give feedback (they can quote directly for example).

 

With my stories I made a pdf available and put a single link (to the whole pdf) in the first post. But each time you post a chapter as a new post (you can link each chapter's post in the first post for example), you're welcome to tack on a link at the end - either/or, really, as long as the main focus is having the work posted here.

 

Hope this helps; I apologise if it comes across a bit stern, and I don't want to put you off. Feel free to check out the forum rules for more clarity.

But most importantly, keep writing and keep enjoying it. Hopefully someone will give their expertise on this soon.

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JaberDoe

No apologies needed, mate! I should be aware of the rules anyway.

I should thank you for letting me know. :lol:

I'll check out the rules ASAP.

 

Thanks for the encouragement. Much appreciated.

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