Imaginary conversations

[Ghoffman9]

Bunker Staff: Hey boss, we got raided and they took your guns!

Me: Our workplace is a bunker designed to withstand nuclear Armageddon. A nuclear bomb cannot even breach this place....so my question is HOW THE HELL DID THOSE RETARDS FROM MERRYWEATHER GET IN!?

Bunker Staff: Uh....I am kinda lacking on the details...

Me: Did you leave the door unlocked?

Bunker Staff: .....

Me : That does not even shock me at this point.

Me: Do you have any idea how pathetic those guys are!? They cannot even handle a redneck cranked out on speed with mommy issues and yet they pulled a fast one on you lot? Does not bode well for you...

Bunker Staff: We're sorry but once they got in there was nothing we could do...

Me: What do you mean there was "nothing you can do"? You're surrounded by enough weapons to start World War 3. You could have...oh I don't know...picked them up and used them to fight back!?

Bunker Staff: That was the product and we did not want to waste it.

Me: I would have preferred losing some of it defending this place instead of losing all of it from you idiots rolling out the red carpet and letting them take the goods...

Bunker Staff: Sorry sir...

Me : Meet me at the testing grounds outside in Ballistic Armor. I wanna test out how well it and you can withstand 50 bombs being dropped on you from a high altitude.

Edited December 9, 2017 by Ghoffman9

[Femme Fatale]

My character's boyfriend: "Kill him, he's cute!

My character: "Not now, I'm not in the mood."

My character's bf: "Come on, look at that hot bod, that pretty face. Don't you just wanna shoot it?"

My character: "Yeah, but I'm too tired to kill anyone right now."

My character's bf: "If you do this, I'll let you tie me up in bed tonight."

My character: "Pretty boy, prepare to die." *grabs his shotgun and goes to kill the guy*

 

[Combatdude819]

I call this Alzheimer's Lester

 

*Phone Rings* picks up.

Lester: Alright, We might be ready to move on this thing, if you want the work, you'll get a knock on your door any minute."

 

Me: Okay

 

Plays again, its Lester: "Alright, We might be ready to move on this thing, if you want the work, you'll get a knock on your door any minute."

 

Me: Uhhh Lester, We've had this conversation already.

 

Plays a 3rd time, Lester calls me, "Alright, We might be ready to move on this thing, if you want the work, you'll get a knock on your door any minute."

 

Me: If only I can kill you so I don't have to hear you say that again.

 

 

Who else is getting annoyed by this call? I thought it be over after doing a heist. apparently not

[IceHeartache]

Agent 14 - Don't ask how i get this number, we met a while ago, i think or we should have done, There is a....

My character - There is a f*cking bunker waiting for my money....i know, you already told me that 167 times, why do you keep calling me?

Agent 14 - ......... It's a underground bunker manufacturing fa....

My character - I'm not going to buy a shark card

 

*hang up*

 

*the phone rings again*

 

Ron - Hey.... it's Ron....Jakowski... from sandy shores... look i got an opportu....

My character - I'm not going to buy a shark card

 

*Hang up*

*the phone rings again*

 

Lester: Hey it's your creepy uncle Lester !!! hey give me a c...

My character - I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY, JUST SHUT UP ALREADY

 

*Hang up*

 

Lester -....Whoa... weirdo

Edited December 13, 2017 by Baltel

[Bruce Khansey]

Assistant: "Boss, it's me. look, this gar.."
Me: "Stop it. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. I don't have alzheimer's disease and I just fired a rocket to answer the damn phone. You're lucky I can't use guns in the office. F*ck you"

Me, to bunker workers when there are no supplies: "At least sweep the f*cking floor"

Edited December 13, 2017 by Bruce Khansey

[cyberpunkdave]

My characters name is Cal.

*phone rings*
*Ron Calling*
Cal: "This f*cking guy again?!"
*picks up*
Ron: "Hello there...."
Cal: "Your wife didn't leave you cause she's a bitch, she left you cause your a junkie stalker who deserves to die, so do me a favor and pull the trigger yourself"
*hangs up*
*15 minutes later*
*Ron calling*
*Pick up*
Ron: "Do you ever feel like something's missing from your life?"
*Hang up*
Cal: "Nope"

*Assistant calls*(I call her Tiffany)
Tiffany: "Hey Boss"
Cal: "Sup Tiff?"
Tiffany: "My name isn't Tiff"
Cal: "Well complain to HR OHH THAT'S RIGHT! There is no HR!"
Tiffany: "....."
Cal: "What's up?"
Tiffany: "We've got an offer on some really special cargo. Seems really exotic.."
Cal: "Exotic you say? Are we talkin' thai-exotic or FOTB-exotic?"
Tiffany: "... to be honest I'm not sure what it is."
Cal: "Oh! Exciting! I'll see when I get it."
*ordered and stole the new exotic item*
*in my warehouse looking at it, decide to call Tiffany*
Cal: "Hey Tiff, I'm looking at this... Ummm I don't think.."
Tiffany: "No, you can't put your dick in it"


THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL CONVERSATIONS I'VE HAD WITH FRIENDS

*Friend and I are picking up hookers on the street*
*honk and she walks towards my car*
Me: MOVE IT YOU DUMB COW!
*gets in*
Hooker: Wanna go somewhere more private?
Me: f*ck you're such a retard.
Friend: You're kinda brutal with those hookers, man.
Me: They like it when I talk to them like that, I remind them of their dad.

*Friends and I finished an MC mission of protecting the strippers at the club, we decide to start attacking them after we pass the mission*
*I proceed to beat one of the strippers constantly with a bat*
Friend: You know, I'm not sure I like the way you're degrading that woman.
Me: ... Well do you have a more efficient way?