Imaginary conversations

[SqualidCoyote]

I have them all the time. The last one was with my bunker staff.

 

Bunker staff: Boss, boss, look we've researched a new livery for your gun!

Me: What?

BS: Look it's got skulls on!

Me: I pay you five thousand dollars a day.

BS: I know, and look, skulls!

Me: You made me steal a tank.

BS: Yes but...

Me: An actual tank. I had to steal a helicopter to carry it. I murdered over two dozen people to get it here.

BS: We could maybe research a leopard print livery?

Me: Meet me at the firing range in five minutes. Don't wear body armour.

 

And that one I have every time I pop in the Mobile Operations Centre

 

Beardy guy: Hiya chief. how's it going?

ME: WTF. Do you live in here?

BG: Kinda do chief.

ME: You do realise I have a five star wanted level and we are currently being machine gunned by police in helicopters?

BG: Sure do chief.

ME: You're going to die.

BG: Sure thing chief.

ME: Twat.

 

 

[Sky_Light12]

my assistant : hello boss

me : what now ?

my assistant : i have to tell you this , there is this garage space available on office , honestly its amazi-

me : yeah yeah i get it , looks great and amazing. this is the 20th times you've called me for that empty garage space

my assistant : but boss...

me : and can't you see im in middle of some hot pursuit here ? entire worth of police force , NOOSE teams and military gunning straight at me while you're calling me to suggest me buying that garage ? if you could please stop calling me about that , i'd gladly pay you $300 per day

[REXX]

I posted something very similar a while back:

 

The Assistant's Oral Work - Bit of Fun!

[Sanches]

Conversation between me and my imaginary friends:

Me: Hello.
Friend: ...
Me: )^:

Edited November 6, 2017 by Sanches

[Killer Whale]

Assistant: Boss, a minute?

Me: Sure.
Assistant: I've been doing the Income Statement for the last quarter, and there are some long-term investments that are draining us.

Me: sighs Do we really need to--

Assistant: Personally, you need to stop investing in Eris and ProLaps.

Me: sighs sadly But--

Assistant: Boss... It's been four years now. The spandex shortage on San Andreas hasn't improved at all. There's no sign for spandex clothing in the future. These investments aren't making us money.

Me: long pause I get it. waves off and walks into quarters Liquidate it.

Assistant: I'm sorry, boss.

Me: sleeps on bed in fetal position

Edited November 6, 2017 by Mr_No

[PwnageSoldier]

Heres three for no reason lel

 

Bunker Research Team: Uhh sir, why are we researching a camo?

Me: I honestly don't know. Since we can't ignore this and research something else, use the least valuable parts on this, and don't use the tank I brought in. Scrap that for 50k in supplies, please.

Bunker Research Team: Alright sir, I'll tell the manufacturing team.

 

Me: Why doesn't OTR work anymore m'lady? Thought I could export in peace with dangerous others around me.

Assistant: I'm pretty sure they breached the coding on trackers boss, they've been set to go off as soon as someone collects them. The company who released the OS can't update it at the moment simply because of how badly breached it was.

Me: I guess that makes sense. Thanks for the information! Oh, thanks for those nice photos by the way. (goes to leave)

Assistant: Love ya too, chief!

 

Me: Hey Daniella! How are you!

Daniella (second character, so me, I guess?): Not bad, hbu?

Me: Nothing much, just screaming down the streets in a hypercar from the cops like usual. So that means I have to go (smirks)

Daniella: Alright by-

Me: By the way, check your SMS in a second.

Daniella: Ok bye.

(she sighs)

 

The SMS from me just contains a meme that says "send nudes".

Edited November 6, 2017 by PwnageSoldier

[septimoose]

My character bumps into a pedestrian

Me: Sorry for bumping into you

Pedestrian: Imma f*ck you up

Me: No, seriously. I was just on my way into the shop for a snack, I'm a bit dizzy, I got shot earlier. I really didn't mean anything

Pedestrian: I don't give a f*ck. You're a dead man.

Me: Whatever dude.

My character walks into the shop

Me: Hey, can I get an eCola please, my good man?

Shopkeeper: I'm sorry, I'm not getting in the middle of this

Me: In the middle of what?

My character is hit in the back of the head

Me: What the frick was that?!

Pedestrian: I told you I'd f*ck you up.

Me: Just f*ck off!

Pedestrian: Fight me, bitch!

Me: NO.

Shopkeeper: I'm calling the police

Me: Good, I want this psycho arrested.

The police arrive, and the attacking pedestrian runs.

Policeman: What seems to be the issue here?

Me: Some psychopath ran in here and punched me in the back of the head.

Policeman: And where is he now?

Me: I don't know, he ran off!

Policeman: I don't like your tone.

Me: My tone?

Policeman 2: Do not talk back to an officer of the law.

Me: I didn-

A barrage of pistol and shotgun ammo pierces my body. I pass out, waking up outside the store hundreds of dollars lighter and my vehicle impounded.

Lawrence Walsh: Forget it Jake. It's Chinatown.

Me: ...Who the hell are you?

Lawrence walks off with a handful of my cash.

Me: ...And my name's not Jake!

Me: And this isn't Chinatown! ...Ah forget it.

[BigJoe_1]

Calling for my car

Me: Dials phone

Mechanic: "You need a car?"

Me: "Yup. I'm stranded at an underpass with police shooting at me. Bring me my fastest, most bullet resistant car."

Mechanic: "On it. Sit tight." Delivers car on top of the bridge

 

 

Buying clothes (not at ponsonbuys)

Me: "Excuse me. Where are the jackets?"

Cashier: "Up there, behind the hats."

Me: "Thanks." Gets to jackets "$15,500 FOR A PLAIN BLACK LEATHER JACKET, WTF!!!"

Cashier: "Yeah....we're kind of a pricey shop"

Me: "You've got ripped bandanas on display right next to this stuff."

 

 

Getting my car repaired

Me: "I've got a few minor dents on my rear bumper. How much can you buff them out for?"

Mechanic: "$500?. No wait, $600."

Me: "You for real?. Yesterday a guy was in with what might as well have been scrap metal and you fixed his POS for $950"

Mechanic: "Yeah...but....he, he didn't have a custom plate."

Me: "He was missing a wheel. And 2 doors."

[Rafae]

Are people really this f*cking bored

[Lonely-Martin]

"Bitch!... Get in the car"

 

The rest was muffled.

 

(Giggity)

 

Fun thread.

 

Assistant: "Boss, how do you choose between your children"

Me: "...Tryouts"

 

 

@ REXX... Never saw yours back then dude... Quite fun, heard many a player mutter crap at the phone/assistant, usually shouting, lol...

Edited November 6, 2017 by KWF1981

[Big Molio]

I run around shouting "Is that yeast....coming out of your ears!!!!"

[LL Cool L]

"oh sh*t guys, look busy the boss is here.."

[Cutter De Blanc]

Mechanic: I'm on the clock! Ya need a ride?
Me: Naw man, was just feeling lonely. Really wanted to hear your calming voice over the phone. How are your kids doing? Did jimmy make the soccer team?

Edited November 6, 2017 by Cutter De Blanc

[Rafae]

Mechanic: I'm on the clock! Ya need a ride?

Me: Naw man, was just feeling lonely. Really wanted to hear your calming voice over the phone. How are your kids doing? Did jimmy make the soccer team?

Ok this got me lmao

[G U M M I]

Assistant: Hey boss, you're looking sharp today.

 

Me: Today? Well that means I must have looked like a bum yesterday.

 

Assistant: That's not what I was implying boss, you just look...professional.

 

Me: I'm very conscious about the way I look, just like you're conscious about how much you're being paid.

 

Assistant: Is that going to become a problem boss?

 

Me: No, no, I could go rob a liquor store or two if I became that desperate. Can you bring my car around here now? I would call my mechanic, but apparently we have scramblers in the building, or that f*ck face doesn't answer phone calls.

 

Assistant: Of course boss, it'll only take a few seconds.

 

Me: Can you believe it? I pay this asshole $400 a day, and he has the nerve not to answer MY calls.

 

Assistant: I could track him down for you boss.

 

Me: Good luck. Don't think I haven't tried, believe me if I could, I'd throw him down a flight of stairs.

 

Assistant: Then who would you call for your rides?

 

Me: >_>

 

Assistant: Right, boss.

 

Me: You can cool it with the boss sh*t, I never asked you to call me that in the first place.

 

Assistant: Sorry sir, I just thought that because you're the CEO, it's only right to be professional.

 

Me: I rob people, I pop motherf*ckers, I got hundreds in the beaucoups piled around my desk. I rock a gold chain, ear rings, and a watch everywhere I go. I'm going to be fresh to death at my funeral. That's not very professional now, is it?

 

Assistant: I won't tell you how to live your life Mr. Galloway. Nor will I question your way of business.

 

Me: Good, cause that motherf*cker Agent 14, boy I tell ya boy, "don't ask how I got this number, buy a bunker." Every time I wake up, I've got 13 missed calls, 5 messages, and 3 emails.

 

Assistant: Did you get that garage extension like I talked to you about?

 

Me: Get out.

Edited November 7, 2017 by Lucius M. Galloway

[The Wandering Hunter]

me: is the hunter out?

assistant: what?

me: oh, right they think we dont know about it

assistant: who are they?

me: your creators

assistant: god and that hooker?

me: yes.

[SqualidCoyote]

AT LAST! At last I finish the bunker research and a massive weight is lifted from me! YAYYYY!!! Freedom! Blue skies! Joy unconfined! But wait I've shut down the business and yet those surly idiots in lab coats are still hanging around...

 

ME: Errr guys, you do know I've shut the business?

Bunker Staff: Yes, we know.

ME: And you know I'm not paying you right?

BS: Yeah yeah we know.

ME: Ok. So why the hell are you still here?

BS: Well, you know. You might want to start up again. start manufacturing?

ME: Yeah, remember the last time we tried that? When you had me sell weapons to 27 different drop off points?

BS: Yeah and...

ME: A journey of over a hundred miles, pursued by a dozen fully armed soldiers in attack choppers?

BS: Well we...

ME: And you made me drive A BUGGY!!! REMEMBER THAT?

BS: Yes.

ME: So LEAVE! Get out!

BS: The truth... We don't have homes anymore.

ME: So you're going to sit around all day in an underground bunker checking your phones?

BS: Pretty much.

ME: Right well no fiddling with the Sprunk machine. If you find out where the toilet is, let me know. Oh, AND STOP FRICKIN COUGHING!!!

Edited December 8, 2017 by SqualidCoyote

[whywontyoulisten]

BS: Turn the diesel generator off and we'll stop coughing. Also, there are 4 Portaloos by the front entrance.

[SilverRST]

Lol, funny topic

 

You crapping on the toilet: Pffffffffrttttttt, damn that feels good, now get the f*ck out of my body, you turd!

LJT calls and you see the name: You be thinking: F*ck! You gotta be f*cking kidding me!!!!!!

You: *Picks up the phone*

LJT: Oh balls, this happens when you don't pay the cops

You: *Pulls out gun and kills yourself*

[Handsome Jack]

Assistant: Hey boss, guess what?

 

Me: Yeah what?

 

Assistant: There's a special crate available but you won't be able to get it because you aren't in a public lobby.

 

Me: Why didn't you tell me while I was in a public lobby?

 

Assistant: Oh, I don't know because you barely ever pay me!

Me: I see...

Me:

[MaddenedGhost]

Mechanic: I'm on the clock! Ya need a ride?

Me: Naw man, was just feeling lonely. Really wanted to hear your calming voice over the phone. How are your kids doing? Did jimmy make the soccer team?

lmaoo I do this ALL THE TIIIIME!!

 

Mechanic: You have got a great taste.

me: *looking at the pink faggio mod* No, I don't.

 

a friend of mine says this all the time

Lester: Of course you don't need a back rub, you're in trouble and you need my help, okay okay..

friend: Nah, maybe I need a back rub you idiot!

[SqualidCoyote]

BS: Turn the diesel generator off and we'll stop coughing. Also, there are 4 Portaloos by the front entrance.

 

ME: Yeah... would they be the portaloos where I hear all the flies buzzing around? Think I'll pass.

[el carlitos]

Contact calling : ...

Me : f*ck off

[The Wandering Hunter]

ljt: hey your something something needs something something

me: ok, you do realise that i'm ignoring my biker sh*t right?

ljt:why?

me: boxvilles. why do we use them when i have a cargobob and a bricade?

ljt then hangs up the phone and cries in the corner. he then contemplates suicide but calls me back instead.

[Boozey St John]

Ron: Hey, I can't say much because they're listening...

 

Me: Well, I'm glad someone is. *click*

[M*A*R*I*N*A]

me with my assistant while people are waiting for me

 

 

[Solid Scorpion]

If swearing in my head, under my breath and out loud at the sreen constantly at npc's, menus, clouds counts as a coversation then I have allot.

[Ghoffman9]

Bunker Staff: Look at all this product we made breaking down that tank you stole!

Me: ...its barely anything notable, do you have any idea how much a tank is worth?

Bunker Staff: Around $80,000?

Me: Blistering cold, more like in the million dollar range. Maybe more so since we could potentially make more selling it in pieces.

Bunker Staff: Sorry?

Me: You're sorry? I will make you feel sorry in a bit. Go hang around near the bunker entrance, we're gonna test out the suspension on those carts together.

Bunker Staff: How?

Me: You'll see...

[SilverRST]

Me: *Enters Coke bizz* Why are you wearing bikini's?

Coke girls workers: We go naked and you make sure you don't drop the soap after we called the cops

Me: Okay, never mind ._.

[Shadowfennekin]

*phone rings*

Me: Ron?! Stop f*cking calling me! Trevor dumped your ass for a reason, TPI ain't a thing anymore! Please for the love of god, stop calling me!

 

 

Seriously, f*ck Ron. He's the only one who calls anymore.