This just in!

[TheLordMarvel]

Breaking news!


Rough and tough looking middle-aged man seen revving the engine of a new XA-21, effortlessly scaring drivers and pedestrians, which resulted in a large brawl with the driver and some civilians. And unfortunately, the death of said civilians.

[Kushology]

 

Breaking news!

 

 

Rough and tough looking middle-aged man seen revving the engine of a new XA-21, effortlessly scaring drivers and pedestrians, which resulted in a large brawl with the driver and some civilians. And unfortunately, the death of said civilians.

This is me everytime I roleplay as an NPC.

 

The driver beside me sometimes takes off and I race them or they get so jealous, they rip me out of my car and fight to the death for said car.

 

[DangerZ0neX]

 

Unless if it is acknowledged and talked about in the narrative segment of the game, anything that occurs during free-roam gameplay is not canon.

 

This is why in GTA IV, Niko will state that he hasn't killed civilians and that he only targeted cops and gangs as well as certain targets that require assassination during cutscenes, even if you had him run over the entire pedestrian traffic in Star Junction for 3 hours straight. So, obviously, any jet griefing and oppressor sh*ttery not will get reported or talked about because no such thing ever happened.

 

Anyway, by all means, you can still go ahead and write about it if you feel like it as all I did was give my two cents.

Could YOU be allergic to harmless fun? Find out during our interview with Dr. Isiah Friedlander. Tonight at 7 on Weazel News!

 

Amateur. You're not even doing it right.

 

--------------

 

Weazel News: confirming your prejudices.

 

Tonight's top story in the Los Santos County, a grumpy man has declared war against fun. Literally.

 

---------------

 

Good evening, I'm Todd Smith from Weazel News Broadcast. As you heard from the lovely Ms. Anderson, a local patriot has been exercising both his first and second amendment rights by making the millennial's favorite past-time into his mortal enemy; fun. The man was not willing to give us his real name, occupation, age, or even political belief, although I do wish for him to be a republican because I can't stand liberals and hippies. However, because he likes the fact he gets attention for something so stupid, he wanted us to call him with the nickname of "Danger Zone".

 

Wow, this guy may be a patriot, but he really is a dork! Now, since we're the only channel that gave enough of a damn to cover his story unlike failing fake news CNT that wants to cry about Governor Hunter's "controversial" decisions of merging the military with the police. In fact, that's a great idea and all of you assholes are wasting your time, so leave the great Governor alone! Anyhow, we have managed to get Danger Zone on the phone. Hey Mr. Zone, how are ya?

 

Hey Todd, I'm fine. I just want you to know that I'm doing this for the other grumpy guys out there. The guys who are tired of seeing lesser intelligent beings being oblivious of how bleak and bland the world is and all they're doing is force colorful delusions on everyone to distract them from being efficient. It really pisses me off, Todd. It really does.

 

I get it, bro. It's nonsensical. I understand having a couple of beers with your friends while watching the newest episodes of The Underbelly of Paradise, but roleplaying on an internet forum and doing weird mumbo-jumbo poses on some pink rug? What has the world turned into...

 

Exactly! They're too ignorant to realize that their fun is unproductive and does not fit the status quo, like, who the hell finds any joy in smoking pot or playing video games or even arguing on the internet? We do the latter just fine in real life, and unlike doing it with texts, the other guy whom you disagree with will know exactly how irrationally angry you are.

 

Yeah, having fun in any time that is not the weekend is seriously counter-productive. What's wrong with driving an old Stanier to a 9-to-5 job, drone over your office's computer screen as you type the same type of report over and over again, arrived back home at 8 PM because of traffic jams, and sit with your family as they complain to you about totally irrelevant things that do not matter at all? It's what has any regular family man has done for over 70 years so far, so why change the tradition just to look unique, you cowardly hippies?

 

That's the problem with those liberals, bro. They're so entitled and whiny that I seriously question why no one has shot them yet for being society's biggest pests. Let me tell you about the 10 best ways to extermi- Oh, hold on, some of those fun-loving pot-smoking liberals are throwing rocks at my windows. I need to pack my guns and go on a rampage again, maybe cleanse the entire population of Mirror Park so that it returns to the beautiful family suburbia it used to be. I'll be sure to call you guys again when I'm done in about... 3 days, I guess.

 

Aw shucks. Well, good luck out there, Mr. Zone. You're a hero to us all and a proper example to our youngest generation. Smash their faces in!

 

Now, for our second segment of tonight's news; honest Governor Hunter's war against the corrupt media. Here's a brief excerpt.

 

"For the last frickin' time, it's an ATTACK HELICOPTER and not A JET! And no, the military-police merger act won't ever get repealed, sickos."

 

Right after the break, and a special message from our sponsers at Ammunation and Warstock Cache & Carry.

Edited August 22, 2017 by DangerZ0neX

[PaeganLoveSong]

I'm Jock Cranley and I approve this message.

[REXX]

Breaking news! Literally, the game is broken.

[ciel]

EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT THIS NEWS FLASH WHICH IS BREAKING NEWS

 

 

crazed k-pop fan hacks into every San Andreas based radio station and plays hundreds of hours worth of k pop songs

Edited August 22, 2017 by xxi

[JON22]

Breaking news!!!!!

 

.......Silent citizens can't sit on public benches so they kick them instead. Experts can't explain this strange behaviour.

[FlacidJack]

Corruption in LS: Can every citizen be the CEO?

 

This week we investigate the staggering amount of CEOs who make millions parading as the owners of legitimate companies, all of which have under ten emoloyees, yet they spend more money than most third world dictators on luxury items such as super cars and massive yachts... Read more

[Non Funkable Token]

The Vapid FMJ with the plate "C4TCHM3" was stolen&sold 6 times yesterday.

[AmyStone]

Breaking news. No crimes reported today in Los Santos.

[AredTarg]

WOAH!

LUNATIC MILLIONAIRE WARNS OF "Hunters Are Coming" Man who goes by the name Mr.Hardson says he received a vision of attack helicopters, killing and causing harm to Los Santos civilians. Mr.Hardson is a Millionaire who has lived in Los Santos since 2013, he dissapeared out of publics view once allegations of illegal activities came out. We asked for a statement from Fort Zancudo Military base, they replied with the statement "His vision is false, the military always has radar scans, and find Mr.Hardson statements humorous."

Edited August 22, 2017 by AredTarg

[septimoose]

"Woman run over by her own car"

 

"Same woman stood outside shop with a wrench. She was subsequently shot dead by police"

 

"Same woman run over by a Futo. She was subsequently shot dead by police."

 

"Same woman walked up to police station to report a crime. She was subsequently shot dead by police"

 

"Same woman takes revenge on police. She was seen driving into Los Santos Customs. Police are stumped as to where she went"

 

"Same woman causes $4,800,000 of damage on the Los Santos Freeway with a stolen Lazer Jet. Police have rewarded her with $35,000"

 

"Same woman steals a tank and Cargobob which she flies to her Farmhouse Bunker. Police have given up the chase"

 

"Police chief indicted for receiving $600 bribe to stop search for same woman"

[The Wandering Hunter]

armoured vehicle runs down 40 pedestrians, occupants escaped after gunning diwn hundreds of cops because lester said they should

[Rafae]

"BREAKING NEWS

 

Suspicious looking man in trench coat and professional shades transporting numerous illegal weapons from Los Santos to an unknown location outside the city skirts"

 

Lol fk off Weazel News and let me run Gunrunning supply missions in peace.

[HKM87]

Breaking news:

 

Everywhere, the rumored and mysterious game by R* former employee, The Benz is finally out. And I may blow GTA out of the water.

[spincther]

Breaking news!

 

A man was gun downed in the street today and the Police in pursuit ran over 5 adults, 1 dog and 2 children while causing more than 1.5 million in property damage. The dept is in hot water with the mayor and the police commissioner could be asked to step down. In other news, could your property taxes be going up? Find out at 6.

[MuffBeerd]

Fighting the frizzies at 11!

[CaptSpalding]

Breaking news..........Player tests PS4's water resistance in local pond........results to follow.......

[ntinoskonsta]

Studies indicate that suicide among young men in Los Santos has seen a whopping 763% increase recently. Bizarrely, the most preferred means of suicide is now C4 bombs, skyrocketing above the likes of pills and conventional small firearms. This phenomenon's relation to tactical combat gear and testosterone supplements is currently being examined. More on this at 7.

[Professional Amateur]

BREAKING NEWS!

 

A Titan transport plane has crashed just south of the Sandy Shores airstrip. The LSPD is currently searching for survivors and will hopefully massacre them for no discernible reason.

[alkaline_]

UI UI UI!!!!

 

fluffy penguins can be seen at the north of north yankton!!!

Edited August 23, 2017 by alkaline_

[lll-H-I-M-lll]

UI UI UI!!!!

 

fluffy penguins can be seen at the north of north yankton!!!

News just in

 

Fluffy penguin riding a manchez erratically spotted on the freeway police have advised caution

[CrysisAverted]

This just in, CrysisAverted wins lawsuit agains't San Andreas' premier military and weaponized vehicle distributor; Warstock Cache & Carry for false advertising in their Nightshark description, Judge ruled Crysis to receive all current and future Warstock vehicles free, limited edition buffed Savage (Deluxe) and Rhino (Deluxe), Nightshark with working bullet resistance and $2.5 billion in damages.

Edited August 23, 2017 by CrysisAverted

[mrfonzius]

Breaking News!

 

Just another one of all those crazy maniacs of this city on his way to work. Avoid freeways at all costs.

[Killer Whale]

Breaking news!

 

The Department of Motor Vehicles determined San Andreas' drivers are among the worst in the country due to accident rate quintupling every three months. From purposely cutting incoming traffic, to performing U-turns in the middle of the highway. The Secretary of Transportation has released a statement in which she denies all of this as untrue and that driving tests in San Andreas are effective and instructors are among the best in the country. These comments came just before three San Andreas DMV instructors were placed under arrest after being discovered to drive under the influence.

 

This just in!

 

Internet connection problems around the city are at an all-time high. Just today, millions were left internet-less after one disgruntled employee disrupted the entire city network by unplugging the main Ethernet cable and tampering with MTU settings in the servers.

 

Also tonight...

 

For the twenty-thousand time this month, the Pacific Standard Bank has been robbed. This time, some robbers in festive neon bodysuits took the loot of -you guessed it- $1,250,000, only losing $50,000 on their way. Due to altercations inside the bank, NOOSE were called and they got massacred -again-, criminals escaped in one of their trucks -again-, and go thru the GOH to a dinghy, just to mysteriously disappear -again-. The Chief says he doesn't plan on changing strategies when he said "they are effective. I am always right". Also, the Chief of Police's ass got teared out by the Mayor -again-. Ass transplants are getting extremely expensive for the Chief, and insurance will most likely not cover him in a few months from now.

Edited August 24, 2017 by Mr_No

[HATA C ME]

CURVATURE FINALLY MEASURED AND PROVEN!

[Gridl0k]

MAN FINDS HELICOPTER IN ASS

[ntinoskonsta]

Tourists report sightings of a mysterious humanoid beast with superhuman strength and abilities in the vicinity of several popular landmarks. Scientists have yet to come up with a plausible hypothesis regarding the origin of this entity.

[BigJoe_1]

Breaking News! Entire group of people dissappear into thin air after, what appeared to be, a massive lag spike in time.

 

*Technical Difficulties*

 

We interrupt this broadcast to alert you that a fighter jet has just crashed into the side of the building. More on this new discovery after the break.

[J1M]

MAN FINDS HELICOPTER IN ASS

 

Hunter confirmed!