Red Dead Redemption 2 development team parody thread

[saintsrow 10,643]

New, naive Marketing Guy: Hi, guys, I'm the new rep from Rockstar marketing. They're not doing anything over there; they just have their heads completely up their ass, as always.

 

I came over here to the dev studio, because I'm bored sh*tless and I thought maybe I could find something vaguely marketing-like to do, 'cause I'm gonna need to put something on my resume, when Rockstar marketing inevitably tanks, from being totally top-heavy and useless.

 

So, I thought I'd just look in on what you guys are doing and try to turn it into some upbeat fan fluff that I can put out in a twitter blurb every couple of months. Doesn't matter if it's real, or whatever. The fans'll go apesh*t, regardless. Just trying to keep the fans from gnawing their arms off, out of sheer boredom and frustration.

 

So, what have we got going on here? Hey, I see you're working on some mountains. How's that coming along?

 

Bored Sh*tless Dev #1: JFC, I've been making mountains at Rockstar for the last 13 years. I'm so f*ckin' bored, I could die. All these goddamned mountains look the same. The only criterion is to make them steep enough that a cowboy on a horse can't climb up and get outside the game world. That's my only requirement, you believe that? Why can't these f*ckin' world designers come up with something better, like a wrap-around world that doesn't need mountains? Holy sh*t, I'm so f*ckin' tired of mountains... I which they'd let me design a shed. But once you're specialized, it's too late. Damn. I'm so tired of f*ckin' geology, I could cave in my skull with a rock pick.

 

New Marketing Guy: Hmmm, I'm trying to figure out if I can make a nice blurb out of that. Let's see... "We're in full development of amazing new, HD landscapes, never before seen in the history of video games!"

 

Bored Sh*tless Dev #1: WTF????

 

New Marketing Guy: Well, I'll tune it up a little bit tonight, after a couple of glasses of wine. The first draft never sounds good. Don't worry about it. I'm an English major. I get paid to figure out how to use words to make bad things sound good.

 

 

Adventures of the New Marketing Guy, to be continued...

Edited September 21, 2017 by saintsrow

[Zello 9,008]

Guys we have a problem apparently Foghorn Leghorn oops I mean Arthur Morgan isn't in Red Dead Redemption 1. You'd think that they wouldn't notice but unlike the GTA crowd the Red Dead crowd really cares about the story and found that Arthur isn't mentioned at all in the first game. In order to fix this sh*t we're gonna have to delay the game again and probably have to work on a remaster of Redemption to add in Arthur and make sure no one notices.

Edited November 21, 2017 by Zello

[saintsrow 10,643]

Guys we have a problem apparently Foghorn Leghorn oops I mean Arthur Morgan isn't in Red Dead Redemption 1. You'd think that they wouldn't notice but unlike the GTA crowd the Red Dead crowd really cares about the story and found that Arthur isn't mentioned at all in the first game. In order to fix this sh*t we're gonna have to delay the game again and probably have to work on a remaster of Redemption to add in Arthur and make sure no one notices.

 

Optimistic Dev #2: Hey, guys, I've got a great idea to fix that! Let's make a really cool story DLC called "Episodes from New Austin" subtitled "The Ballad of Arthur Morgan." That's how we write him in. Won't that be fantastic??? I've got some ideas right here! Wanna take a look?

 

Crickets..... Everyone in the cube farm backs away, slowly. Then two big goons, wearing TTWO T-shirts, come strutting out of the elevator and head straight for Optimistic Dev #2's cube. Muffled sounds are heard. They walk back to the elevator, and one of them says to the pit boss, "Get somebody to clean up that mess."

[saintsrow 10,643]

New, naive Marketing Guy: Hi, guys, I'm the new rep from Rockstar marketing. They're not doing anything over there; they just have their heads completely up their ass, as always.

 

I came over here to the dev studio, because I'm bored sh*tless and I thought maybe I could find something vaguely marketing-like to do, 'cause I'm gonna need to put something on my resume, when Rockstar marketing inevitably tanks, from being totally top-heavy and useless.

 

So, I thought I'd just look in on what you guys are doing and try to turn it into some upbeat fan fluff that I can put out in a twitter blurb every couple of months. Doesn't matter if it's real, or whatever. The fans'll go apesh*t, regardless. Just trying to keep the fans from gnawing their arms off, out of sheer boredom and frustration.

 

So, what have we got going on here? Hey, I see you're working on some mountains. How's that coming along?

 

Bored Sh*tless Dev #1: JFC, I've been making mountains at Rockstar for the last 13 years. I'm so f*ckin' bored, I could die. All these goddamned mountains look the same. The only criterion is to make them steep enough that a cowboy on a horse can't climb up and get outside the game world. That's my only requirement, you believe that? Why can't these f*ckin' world designers come up with something better, like a wrap-around world that doesn't need mountains? Holy sh*t, I'm so f*ckin' tired of mountains... I which they'd let me design a shed. But once you're specialized, it's too late. Damn. I'm so tired of f*ckin' geology, I could cave in my skull with a rock pick.

 

New Marketing Guy: Hmmm, I'm trying to figure out if I can make a nice blurb out of that. Let's see... "We're in full development of amazing new, HD landscapes, never before seen in the history of video games!"

 

Bored Sh*tless Dev #1: WTF????

 

New Marketing Guy: Well, I'll tune it up a little bit tonight, after a couple of glasses of wine. The first draft never sounds good. Don't worry about it. I'm an English major. I get paid to figure out how to use words to make bad things sound good.

 

 

Adventures of the New Marketing Guy, to be continued...

 

We're gonna need a new mountain guy. Bored Sh*tless Dev #1 just quit. He's had enough.

[Darealbandicoot 1,818]

Having issues with the Red dead online content. The error is that it keeps showing up in single player. New John Marston model added for the end game when we kill off Arthur as just like John, NOBODY will care about him. Moved warhorse to be a Red dead online exclusive while initially being for single player. Scrapped undead nightmare 2.0 in favour of recycling it into red dead online Halloween updates

[DOUGL4S1 4,035]

New Employee: "Hey, boss! We really need to think about Red Dead Online."

Boss: "We already did..." *looks at a pile of cash on the desk*

N. E.: "But we really need to start writting code for it. We won't be able to find and fix all glitches until launch otherwise!"

Boss: "Don't worry about it! Just copy some GTA:Online code, play a bit to release a Trailer, photoshop what's missing and then forget about it until a week before launch! Simple!

N. E.: "But what about glitches?"

Boss: "The players will find them! And if they complain, just say we couldn't possibly fix everything in such massive game world."

N. E.: "Ok. But what about features? All we have for launch are a few carriages and some deathmatches."

Boss: "Hmm, you're right. You know that mansion you could buy that CJ did?"

N. E.: "Yeah..?"

Boss: "Cut it from the game!"

N. E.: "What?"

Boss: "Don't worry, we'll add it after a few months."

N. E.: "But I think we should start working on something for it now, or we'll be too busy on release!"

Boss: "You want to work on something? Alright, copy GTA Online's Shark Cards code and put it in there! Just change the name to "Ballot Money" or some sh*t like this. This will make T2 happy!"

N E.: "Is this even ethical? People already complain about Shark Ca..."

Boss: "You ask too many questions! Go back to work or I'll fire you from our Mafia right now!"

N. E.: "Mafia?"

Boss: "Yeah, I f*cking said it! What are you going to do? Make an account on GTAForums and tell those retards you work at Rockstar? I mean, they're retards, but not retard enough to believe in you!"

N. E.: *sighs* "Ok, boss. I'll program the microtransactions."

Boss: That's 'Recurring Consumer Spending' for you!"

Edited December 27, 2017 by DOUGL4S1

[Zello 9,008]

After all these years of hard work the game is finally ready

 

 

Look at this masterpiece!

[BUT THE BENZ 1,355]

dev_abc: man, when I see what they did for RDR I'm kind of embarassed by what we're doing here, more than half a decade later

dev_xyz:: shut your piehole buddy, I'm in the middle of designing online content clothing and I gotta make sure to NOT include one single piece of purely white pants for female characters. so I have to put stripes on the sides and sh*t. this is the best job I ever had and I will NOT have YOU f*ck it up

dev_abc: oh....I'm so sorry I had no idea man...want me to help, since this is indeed super important?!

Edited January 19, 2018 by BUT THE BENZ

[Zello 9,008]

Part 2 of my life as a Rockstar insider documentary

 

Rockstar just announced a second delay for Red Dead Redemption 2 the game was already complete but the real reason for the delay was online we were trying to find a way to paint horses and were still skeptical about what we could call Red Dead's version of sharkcards.

 

But instead of working on Red Dead Redemption 2 like the rest of the team I was waken up in the middle of the night by some strange men I didn't know and never saw at the office and we rode in a car somewhere to upstate New York to a cabin in the middle of nowhere.

 

Once we were there the men revealed that Sam Houser hired them so they could question my loyalty to him.

 

"When we work with someone at this level we want to make sure we can trust them. To do that I'm going to ask you a couple of questions."

 

"We need to stop wasting time. I need to get back to the office and get back to working on Red Dead Redemption 2. I don't have time to answer Sam's silly questions."

 

"Will you be loyal to me?"

 

"Yes of course."

 

"Did you leak the game to your girlfriend at IGN?"

 

I was shocked how'd they know I was dating someone at IGN? Well we weren't really dating she was just a booty call. He repeated the same question again.

 

"Did you leak the game to your girlfriend at IGN?"

 

"No."

 

"Do you still respect The Benz?"

 

"No."

 

"Do you know Funmw2 and Yan?"

 

"No I have no idea who they are."

 

"Do you hate sharkcards and microtransactions?"

 

"No."

 

He continued asking these same questions over and over again for hours. Will you be loyal to me? Did you leak the game to your girlfriend at IGN? Do you still respect The Benz? Do you know Funmw2? Do you hate microtransactions?

 

Then it finally happened I cracked.

 

"Will you be loyal to me?"

 

"No..no I won't."

 

"Did you leak the game to your girlfriend at IGN?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Do you still respect The Benz?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Do you know Funmw2 and Yan?"

 

"Yes I go clubbing with them on the weekends."

 

"Do you hate microtransactions and sharkcards?"

 

"Yes I hate them with a passion."

 

The man smiled then wrote something down. He went over to discuss something with another man in the cabin. Then when he was about to pick up the phone I picked my head up from the table and looked him straight in the eyes.

 

"But I will always be loyal to Dan Houser, Aaron Garbut, and Rockstar."

Edited February 24, 2018 by Zello

[saintsrow 10,643]

Part 2 of my life as a Rockstar insider documentary

 

Rockstar just announced a second delay for Red Dead Redemption 2 the game was already complete but the real reason for the delay was online we were trying to find a way to paint horses and were still skeptical about what we could call Red Dead's version of sharkcards.

 

But instead of working on Red Dead Redemption 2 like the rest of the team I was waken up in the middle of the night by some strange men I didn't know and never saw at the office and we rode in a car somewhere to upstate New York to a cabin in the middle of nowhere.

 

Once we were there the men revealed that Sam Houser hired them so they could question my loyalty to him.

 

[ snip ]

 

"But I will always be loyal to Dan Houser, Aaron Garbut, and Rockstar."

 

Assuming you made it out of this alive, there is one question that you will have to answer correctly -- when the time comes -- or your career as a Rockstar dev will be over, and there will be no looking back. You have to be ready for this, so practice the answer, so you can say it reflexively, without the slightest doubt or hesitation. You can't say, "What?' and you can't say, "Let me think about it." You answer must be immediate, and exact.

 

Here's how it'll go down:

 

It's 3 AM. The whole cube farm is dark, dead quiet. You're in your cube, 30 hours straight, trying to debug a glitch in a mission, that lets players accumulate dollars indefinitely by looting gang attackers, after their boss is hogtied, before you leave the vicinity of the mission. You're deep in a flow state, living in the code; you've walked through it a hundred times, and you think, finally, just maybe, you've found a combination of logical conditions that will prevent the glitch, without screwing up the mission. You're totally burned out, zombie-like, but you want to compile this fix, and walk through the mission again, to see what happens.

 

You're just about to hit the "Compile" button, when you hear a voice behind you. You think maybe it's an hallucination, but it isn't. I assure you, it isn't. This is when you have to be ready, the moment when you're the least able to be ready; this is where it counts. You thought you heard the voice say, "Do you have my bag?"

 

Do not hesitate. Spin your Recaro office chair around, look him in the eye, and reply, "Always, Sam."

Edited February 25, 2018 by saintsrow

[DoctorMike 1,148]

Strauss Zelnick: Ya got some money for me boy?

 

Sam Houser: No sir, Let us have some money! Were doing all the work!

 

Strauss: Hey! Youre already getting a f*ck ton of money, Especially after we fired The Benz

 

Sam: No, its not enough, were already making a new game, But were keep delaying it because of GTA Onlines success! Gimme a bloody break mate, I need this money.

 

Strauss: Ehhh who the f*ck cares about Red Dead 2? GTA Online is our Cash Cow that gives birth every month or so, Those 10 year olds are still playing this game and Theyre still using their Daddys credit card to buy Shark cards, cancel the damn game, or at least, delay the game for another 8 months or something

 

Sam: You got it sir

 

*Sam Bows down to Strauss*

 

The End

Edited March 1, 2018 by DoctorMike

[Zello 9,008]

Okay who is the guy that decided that It'd be funny to sh*t all over the head of marketing's office? Thanks to you we've had to replace his computer and all those papers on his desk that had our marketing plan on them got shat on and he didn't have any copies because he's such a lazy f*ck to save this stuff on his computer.

 

Thanks to you the game is getting delayed again.

Edited March 22, 2018 by Zello

[saintsrow 10,643]

Okay who is the guy that decided that It'd be funny to sh*t all over the head of marketing's office? Thanks to you we've had to replace his computer and all those papers on his desk that had our marketing plan on them got shat on and he didn't have any copies because he's such a lazy f*ck to save this stuff on his computer.

 

Thanks to you the game is getting delayed again.

 

Next TTWO board meeting:

 

Zelnick reports out on all the TTWO financials; Year after year of 8-year-olds coming of age, and buying GTAV and shark cards, keeping TTWO stock afloat. Record highs.

 

Strauss says everybody should be happy; the money's rolling in. He reports, for example, that he just bought a new Lamborghini and Maserati, because the ones he got 6 months ago don't have that new car smell anymore. He got himself a new Porsche 911 Turbo S Cabriolet for commuting to work, because his old one has bugs on the windshield.

 

Then Henry, one of the senior board members, asks Zelnick, "What about RDR2? My grandkid's been wanting to play it since he was in Kindergarten. Now he's in frikkin' High School. JFC, Strauss, what's the f*cking problem? It's just a video game! This is what they pay us for. Where is it, already!!???"

 

Strauss Zelnick looks down, embarrassed. "I was hoping you wouldn't ask, Henry." He pauses, uncomfortably squirming in his high-backed leather executive chair. "OK, I'm gonna level with you guys. I hoped I wouldn't have to let this be known. I was hoping we could work it out quietly. RDR's been done and complete for a year. It looks incredible. It plays even better. It's a hands-down masterpiece. We've worked out all the bugs and glitches, even for the Online version. I wish we could release it, but ...." His voice tails off.

 

Henry sputters, "But what!!??? I can't believe it! Get this game out to the fans, Strauss! What's the problem??!!"

 

Zelnick sighs, then replies, "It's the marketing, Henry. There's no marketing. It's like the game doesn't exist. It just isn't happening. We can't get those NYC marketing office pricks off their asses, or sobered up enough, to even make a gameplay trailer. They can't even close a contract to get a mural painted. There's no in-store posters or merchandising kiosks. There's no TV ads. We had all these great plans -- a whole, ambitious, creative marketing campaign, worthy of this great game. But these NYC marketing assholes are complete sh*t. I don't know why Sam keeps them around. I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do."

 

Zelnick continues, "On the Newswire, our own guys put out the "Spring 2018" blast, to keep the fans from forgetting we even exist. Then when it became clear that marketing was going to miss the spring campaign, we put out a fall 2018 release date, a last, desperate attempt to try to force something to happen. But those marketing guys are so stoned, they haven't seen either one. Sorry, we're just screwed."

Edited March 23, 2018 by saintsrow

[Zello 9,008]

A R* employee is walking with his girlfriend holding hands through the streets of Manhattan something has been bothering him and she knows it.

 

"I have to tell you something."

 

"What is it? You've been acting strange lately. You ignore me, spend all day at work, come home late, and the sex hasn't been good anymore... what's wrong with us?"

 

The R* employee gets on one knee

 

"Baby, Red Dead Redemption 2 has meant a lot to me and the team and I want to let you know that we're not expecting it to get delayed again."

 

"OMG I love you!"

Edited March 27, 2018 by Zello

[saintsrow 10,643]

A R* employee is walking with his girlfriend holding hands through the streets of Manhattan something has been bothering him and she knows it.

 

"I have to tell you something."

 

"What is it? You've been acting strange lately. You ignore me, spend all day at work, come home late, and the sex hasn't been good anymore... what's wrong with us?"

 

The R* employee gets on one knee

 

"Baby, Red Dead Redemption 2 has meant a lot to me and the team and I want to let you know that we're not expecting it to get delayed again."

 

"OMG I love you!"

The way to a woman's heart ...

 

 

 

 

24 carat lies.

[Jabalous 6,146]

 

Adventures of the New Marketing Guy, to be continued...

 

Update us on the adventures of the Marketing guy.

Edited April 2, 2018 by Efreet

[Zello 9,008]

Rockstar Games Motion Capture Studio

 

The cast of Red Dead Redemption 2 were doing extensive reshoots on the game. The higher ups at Take Two had seen the script and were fine with it but Sam Houser thought that it needed to be rewritten he convinced Dan and his writing team to rewrite the script. Nothing major really changed in the story as it was still the same except for some minor changes.

 

Benjamin Byron Davis and Roger Clark were in motion capture suits redoing a scene. They had done it before and were confused why they had called them back in as they thought that the scene was fine but Rockstar added a couple of more zeroes to their checks so they flew in to New York immediately. In the scene Dutch and Arthur are in the woods with Dutch sitting in a chair asking Arthur if he has his bag.

 

"Arthur do you have my bag?"

 

"Always Dutch. All of the sharkcards you wanted are in this bag."

 

Roger Clark turns and takes a position that in the game would look like he's looking directly at the player.

 

"And for the super low low price of $59.99 you can also get your own sharkcards so kids tell your mother, your father, to buy you some-"

 

Roger Clark stops and starts complaining about the new lines in the script to the director and Dan Houser who is standing nearby.

 

"Wait- wait. What the f*ck is this? What does this have to do with Dutch's bag?"

 

The director shrugs his shoulders. He wasn't responsible for the script anything that dealt with the story he had no control over. It wasn't a movie where a director had a lot of control he only got this job because he was willing to give up control and wanted to get his name out there.

 

The director looked over at Dan Houser who shakes his head, he hated dealing with actors who criticized his writing. He has written some of the best games in the industry only for some actor to belittle him and say his writing was sh*t. He clears his throat and starts shouting at Roger Clark.

 

"Dutch sent Arthur out to collect his sharkcards. This is a very important point in the story the sharkcards are integral to Dutch and his ideals and also a moment where Arthur shows that he's vulnerable to Dutch that he'll do anything so that Dutch can get his sharkcards."

 

"But what is a sharkcard? Dutch has never mentioned it and in the previous scenes we worked on he said money not sharkcards."

 

"Just shut the f*ck up and do the scene you're replaceable. We were thinking about firing you and getting someone else in to play Arthur after your name leaked being in the game."

 

"Fine."

 

They start the scene over again.

 

"Arthur do you have my bag?"

 

"Always Dutch. All of the sharkcards you wanted are in this bag and for the super low low price of $59.99 you can also get your own sharkcards so kids tell your mother, your father, to buy you some sharkcards or else I'll make sure to put them in my ledger!""

 

"And cut perfect."

Edited April 14, 2018 by Zello

[Zello 9,008]

Here's a preview of some early sketches of Arthur that will be appearing in the artbook that releases this fall.

[Madvillain 105]

Take2 CEO- " guys COD is doing good selling well with its Multiplayer while people complain about ours "

R* employee - " don't worry we have a Good Single Player Story "

Take2 CEO- " guys PUBG is doing good selling well with its Multiplayer while people complain about ours "

R* employee - " don't worry we have a Good Single Player Story "

Take2 CEO- " guys Fornite is doing good selling well with its Multiplayer while people complain about ours "

R* employee - " don't worry we have a Good Single Player Story "

Take2 CEO- " guys Zelda BOTW literally won game of the year for its " Story" "

R* employee - " don't worry we have a Good Single Player Story "

Take2 CEO- " are you guys ever going to add Single Player Story DLC to GTA V ? stock holders want to know "

R* employee - " don't worry we have a Good Single Player Story "

Take2 CEO- " People are now saying the God of War " Story " is the best ever?? "

R* employee - " don't worry we have a Good Single Player Story "

Take2 CEO- " Red Dead Redemption 2 is on the way it will have Red Dead Online but will it have Single Player DLC ? Jesus Christ guys the Stock holders want to know! Give a clear damn answer!!! "

R* employee - " don't worry we have a Good Single Player Story "

IGN NEWS - " No need to worry about Red Dead Online and the woes of Micro transactions we can confirm while listening to the a Take2 Stock Conference that Red Dead Redemption 2 will have a Good Single Player Story "

** Later at the Game Awards **

The Game Awards - alright everyone and the game award for story goes to " NINTENDO LABO !! " Congratulations Nintendo how do you keep doing it?? "

Nintendo - " ありがとう、私の英語は悪いです "

 

The Game Awards - " they said they hate EA folks "

** Take2 CEO sees no R* employees in the crowd while watching the game award show in his home and he's pissed off**

** Take2 CEO walks to the living room to finally check his mail that was on the kitchen table **

** he sees a small letter **

** while walking to his car he opens the letter **

** inside the letter he finds a picture **

[Zello 9,008]

So we're bringing in a film crew to do a documentary about the development process of RDR2

 

This is a preview. I'm so proud of this team.

Edited May 24, 2018 by Zello

[Zello 9,008]

So pre order editions are out. Who's f*cking idea was it to include the game? f*ck that.  Whoever was in charge of creating the collectors edition deserves a promotion we're not going to include the game in any version instead were going to sell sharkcards for GTA online but RDR themed.

Edited June 4, 2018 by Zello

[Zello 9,008]

Someone spilled hot coffee on my pants. I'm so f*cking pissed off that I'm going to propose we delay the game again.

[Zello 9,008]

So the boss had a great interview with Vulture about how we work

It went well

Edited October 17, 2018 by KY Jello

[Zello 9,008]

Shawn Layden's House, California.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PE0-SJ5DGrQ

 

Sam Houser was sitting down having dinner with Shawn Layden. After many years in development, delays, and drama Red Dead Redemption 2 was finally out. Wanting to get away from it all Sam went out to Shawn Layden's house in California to relax for a bit and discuss their new future together.

 

"You proved them all wrong. EA, Activision, those bastards at Microsoft. That single player isn't dead and can do big numbers. Now we have our deal with you guys for Red Dead Online but I also want to add a timed exclusivity deal for Single Player DLC as well like that horrible one you made back in 2009 with Microsoft for Episodes from Liberty City."

 

"Single player DLC? We aren't making one."

 

"What??But..but I thought..."

 

"Well you thought wrong. The future lies in online and microtransactions. When it rains you get wet. Look at GTA V and GTA Online. No Single player DLC and it has shattered every single record known to man. Now as we move on from GTA Online. Red Dead online will be our new cash cow that we will milk until we release the next GTA and repeat that process over and over again."

 

Shawn Layden shocked runs out of the house crying and up the hills. Sam Houser chases after him. Shawn Layden trips and Sam holds him in his arms.

 

"How could you do this to me? Sony is focused on promoting single player titles like our exclusives and certain third party games with a heavy single player focus and you do this to me. You played me Sam!"

 

"It's going to be alright. We'll get through this. In time you will learn to accept the money we make together from microtransactions and later you will love them."

 

Sam watches the sunset and strokes Shawn Layden's hair while Shawn remains silent reflecting on his new future.

Edited November 7, 2018 by KY Jello

[saintsrow 10,643]

Six months after the release of RDR2, some of the RDR2 actors had been watching social media, and seeing all the dissatisfaction and disappointment among the fans, about the RDR2 story.  The actors got to talking among themselves, and decided that the fans would love a Story DLC, where the story arcs of their favorite characters could be continued and expanded. 

 

As the ideas continued to flow, the actors generated all kinds of scenarios and interactions for their characters, and built up a lot of enthusiasm in the group.  They decided that they just had to go see Sam and run their fully-developed Story DLC ideas by him.  They were sure that Sam would be so happy, that he'd immediately greenlight the story DLC, and it would be a win-win for everybody - the fans, the actors, TTWO, the console makers, game retailers.  How could anybody not see the wonder and the value in a great new RDR2 Story DLC???  

 

But unfortunately, when they went to Sam, he had a different view of the world.  "F*ck all your ideas!" he screamed, banging both fists on his huge mahogany desk.  "There's never going to be Story DLC!  Never!!!  It doesn't have even one-fourth the return on investment that Online PvP generates.  And it's way too much damn work!!  Get lost, the lot o' ya!!!  Use that $20K we paid you to make a down payment on a Yugo, take a f*cking road trip to the far reaches of the ends of the earth, and stay there!  We'll call you if we need you to read a few lines for an Online Mission." 

 

But the actors were so thrilled with their Story DLC idea, they persisted, trying to convince Sam that it would pay off.  Pointless.  Sam already had made up his mind.  He told the actors, "Take a look down in the fine fine print, on page 143 of your RDR2 actor's NDA and Terms of Employment Agreement.  It says, if Rockstar don't want a character to appear in any future DLC, we can take them out in real life.  Just to be sure.  And believe me, we've got a whole pool of NYC hitmen who will be glad to do it!!  So if you don't want to be permanently eliminated from any DLC, including the DLC of the rest of your natural lives, you'll wise up and shove those Story DLC ideas up you collective asses, and limp the hell out of here, now!!!"  

 

The actors got the message and left.  

 

The End.  

 

 

[Zello 9,008]

Microsoft Theater, Los Angeles, California.

 

"..And the game award for game of the year goes to...God of War!"

 

They weren't in the audience. They weren't backstage. They were by the bar drinking all night. Sam and Dan Houser hated award shows like this even if they were members of the board and put a lot of their money into the show they didn't like to be seen. The only time they even bothered to show up to an awards show was the DICE awards and the BAFTAS. If the Oscar's gave out awards to video games they'd probably show up there too. But the game awards no chance in hell.

 

One thing they didn't like was losing. Sure they won a couple of awards tonight but they wanted the big one. They had rigged the voting process being that the public had very little influence over who won they knew the panel who voted on these things no they handpicked that panel themselves. So when they lost tonight they were pissed.

 

They spotted Geoff Keighley and Shawn Layden sharing a drink and approached them.

 

"Oh look who finally decided to show up."

 

"Oh shut up we got stuck in Traffic. You know we hate LA. Say buy you guys a drink? To celebrating another great year in games."

 

They got Shawn Layden and Geoff Keighley drunk. Then took them to the parking lot where they knocked them out tied them up and put them in the trunk of their car. They then drove for a couple of hours away from the lights of Los Angeles and out to the Mojave desert. Stopped the car where it was just them and the desert in the middle of nowhere. Sam opened the trunk and Geoff Keighley and Shawn Layden were both crying.

 

"I take losing badly. I take losing worse when you spend the time, effort, and money to win. Only to be disappointed in the end. Sure Red dead redemption 2 earned us over 750 million. But it's the thought that counts. I'm like a fat bitch why just get two awards when you can get all of them. I have to get all of those motherf*ckers."

 

Dan Houser pulled both Geoff and Shawn out of the trunk, untied their legs, and removed their blindfolds.

 

"Now. Geoff when we give you money every year so you can run this little cute show of yours. When we're nominees and you disrespect us like that. That can't be forgiven. And Shawn well all the promises you made us by teaming up with Playstation and you never delivered. We had dinner Shawn...Dinner! Both of you disappointed me deeply."

 

Sam takes out a revolver

 

"I guess I'll just have fun with you two. When you both get out of here I expect you think about what you've done and take the steps necessary so this doesn't happen again in the future. Now get out of here."

 

Sam fires two shots in the air and says Yeehaw. The Housers laugh as they watch Geoff and Shawn running away into the desert. Sam and Dan get into their car and drive away.

Edited December 7, 2018 by KY Jello