Francesco Bonomo 43 Posted November 27, 2015 Vendetta... I was raised believing that Vendetta meant something. Like a prayer to be said in the morning. Like a peaceful dream while I'm sleeping Like a bullet ending one's suffering. "Never rat on your friends" they said "Always keep your mouth shut" they said "We are your family" they said "Yes sir" is what I said They blind you with the color green They energize you like caffeine They wear the mask of a good man like it's Halloween Just to make you a heartless machine Do I have regrets? Yes I do Did I ask for forgiveness? If only you knew Can I leave? My death would be due Do I have a choice... No Remember in Italian is Vendetta. As I pull this trigger, you'd understand I chose this life and there's no turning back But you should have never f*cked with me. (Gunshot) La vendetta e dolce Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mokrie Dela 2,833 Posted December 1, 2015 Not a bad little piece although if I had to point out one flaw, it's that it felt to me like you were trying too hard to rhyme, and in a couple of places, the flow and rhythm suffered. I have the same problem. I suggest to focus on what you want to say and forget about rhyming. If you can great but don't let it be an unmovable structure Keep it up Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ziggy455 678 Posted December 11, 2015 Vendetta... I was raised believing that Vendetta meant something. Like a prayer to be said in the morning. Like a peaceful dream while I'm sleeping Like a bullet ending one's suffering. "Never rat on your friends" they said "Always keep your mouth shut" they said "We are your family" they said "Yes sir" is what I said They blind you with the color green They energize you like caffeine They wear the mask of a good man like it's Halloween Just to make you a heartless machine Do I have regrets? Yes I do Did I ask for forgiveness? If only you knew Can I leave? My death would be due Do I have a choice... No Remember in Italian is Vendetta. As I pull this trigger, you'd understand I chose this life and there's no turning back But you should have never f*cked with me. (Gunshot) La vendetta e dolce I decided to read this, albeit my skill with poetry is very lax. I do enjoy the concept of form, and I believe I can at least tell when a poem rhymes. I do not like the overall attempt in the first stanza. The repetition is supposed to raise tension, but putting like this, like that, like this, somehow feels weird to me. Considering it feels like you're shoving so many lines together, cutting it down would make it flow better: I was raised believing that Vendetta meant something. Like a prayer to be said in the morning. Or peaceful dream while I'm sleeping The bullet ending one's suffering. It isn't much better or worse, but the repetition seemed a little lazy for me. To be honest the second stanza seems the same. I can see what you were going for; the repetition, and such, but it overstretches the final result of trying to rhyme, and cuts the poem flat for anybody reading it. The idea is that you can rhyme in one flush line that gives way to the next. If you want some help, feel free to PM me, and we can focus on making this crisper and tighter. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
