Timmy And The Bird

[shaval5321 30]

Timmy And The Bird

Timmy was a small boy. He was only 6 years old. But he was the smartest boy in town. He knew all sorts of things about Writing, History, And even more adult type things. Like News And Money. One day he was sitting in his room watching the other children's play patterns. He noticed a bird outside his window. Timmy thought this bird looked stunning. He ran outside to play with the bird. But the bird flew away. He was sad after this fact. He really wanted to get closer to the bird. But how? Timmy kept thinking. Timmy came up with the idea to build a birdhouse!. Then he could visit the bird whenever he wants!. But how am i going to build a birdhouse?. He asked himself. He then realized, He didn't know nothing about building. He had a very healthy thirst for knowledge!. So he walked into the living room where his dad was sitting. And he said to his dad. Dad Can you teach me how to build a birdhouse?. His dad looked back at him with a surprised but excited look on his face. Timmy's dad replies with. Sure son!. In a excited voice. Timmy follows his dad to the construction shed in their backyard. Timmy's dad shows Timmy all the shiny tools they will be using. After a short while. The birdhouse was finished. Timmy and his dad walked to the nearest tree. And installed the birdhouse into it. The bird flew into the house. And everyday timmy played with the bird.

END

Note- My attempt at a childrens book.. I got lazy

Edited October 26, 2015 by shaval5321

[Mokrie Dela 2,833]

Firstly formatting. Not a fan of the centralised text, though the double spacing did make it easier to read. Keep it to the left.

 

Second, punctuation. Don't follow ? Or ! With .

A lot of capitals where there shouldn't be any - Writing (ironic, that one!). Keep capitals at start of sentences and for names.

 

The style:

It felt like a child's book. Not saying that cruely. It was too simple; too much exposition. You're telling us everything and showing us little. There's no connection with the child, apart from perhaps a sort of adoring for naivety or pureness. The whole thing is essentially a list, just like how kids tell stories: this happened then this then this. Expand these mini moments. Show us the bird to begin with, like a movie. Describe it, colours. Size, movements. Show us, make us feel the kids awe and wonder. Highlight the beauty he sees, don't rush on to tell us the next bit. Show it to us when it's time.

 

Throw in a bit of conflict, too. Show us him struggling to build the birdhouse, or his dad saying no or something. Just a little.