Jump to content
Search In
  • More options...
Find results that contain...
Find results in...
    1. Welcome to GTAForums!

    1. GTANet.com

    1. GTA Online

      1. The Contract
      2. Updates
      3. Find Lobbies & Players
      4. Guides & Strategies
      5. Vehicles
      6. Content Creator
      7. Help & Support
    2. Red Dead Online

      1. Blood Money
      2. Frontier Pursuits
      3. Find Lobbies & Outlaws
      4. Help & Support
    3. Crews

    1. Grand Theft Auto Series

      1. Bugs*
      2. St. Andrews Cathedral
    2. GTA VI

    3. GTA V

      1. Guides & Strategies
      2. Help & Support
    4. GTA IV

      1. The Lost and Damned
      2. The Ballad of Gay Tony
      3. Guides & Strategies
      4. Help & Support
    5. GTA San Andreas

      1. Classic GTA SA
      2. Guides & Strategies
      3. Help & Support
    6. GTA Vice City

      1. Classic GTA VC
      2. Guides & Strategies
      3. Help & Support
    7. GTA III

      1. Classic GTA III
      2. Guides & Strategies
      3. Help & Support
    8. Portable Games

      1. GTA Chinatown Wars
      2. GTA Vice City Stories
      3. GTA Liberty City Stories
    9. Top-Down Games

      1. GTA Advance
      2. GTA 2
      3. GTA
    1. Red Dead Redemption 2

      1. PC
      2. Help & Support
    2. Red Dead Redemption

    1. GTA Mods

      1. GTA V
      2. GTA IV
      3. GTA III, VC & SA
      4. Tutorials
    2. Red Dead Mods

      1. Documentation
    3. Mod Showroom

      1. Scripts & Plugins
      2. Maps
      3. Total Conversions
      4. Vehicles
      5. Textures
      6. Characters
      7. Tools
      8. Other
      9. Workshop
    4. Featured Mods

      1. Design Your Own Mission
      2. OpenIV
      3. GTA: Underground
      4. GTA: Liberty City
      5. GTA: State of Liberty
    1. Rockstar Games

    2. Rockstar Collectors

    1. Off-Topic

      1. General Chat
      2. Gaming
      3. Technology
      4. Movies & TV
      5. Music
      6. Sports
      7. Vehicles
    2. Expression

      1. Graphics / Visual Arts
      2. GFX Requests & Tutorials
      3. Writers' Discussion
      4. Debates & Discussion
    1. Announcements

    2. Support

    3. Suggestions

Timmy And The Bird


Recommended Posts

Timmy And The Bird

Timmy was a small boy. He was only 6 years old. But he was the smartest boy in town. He knew all sorts of things about Writing, History, And even more adult type things. Like News And Money. One day he was sitting in his room watching the other children's play patterns. He noticed a bird outside his window. Timmy thought this bird looked stunning. He ran outside to play with the bird. But the bird flew away. He was sad after this fact. He really wanted to get closer to the bird. But how? Timmy kept thinking. Timmy came up with the idea to build a birdhouse!. Then he could visit the bird whenever he wants!. But how am i going to build a birdhouse?. He asked himself. He then realized, He didn't know nothing about building. He had a very healthy thirst for knowledge!. So he walked into the living room where his dad was sitting. And he said to his dad. Dad Can you teach me how to build a birdhouse?. His dad looked back at him with a surprised but excited look on his face. Timmy's dad replies with. Sure son!. In a excited voice. Timmy follows his dad to the construction shed in their backyard. Timmy's dad shows Timmy all the shiny tools they will be using. After a short while. The birdhouse was finished. Timmy and his dad walked to the nearest tree. And installed the birdhouse into it. The bird flew into the house. And everyday timmy played with the bird.


Note- My attempt at a childrens book.. I got lazy

Edited by shaval5321
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Firstly formatting. Not a fan of the centralised text, though the double spacing did make it easier to read. Keep it to the left.


Second, punctuation. Don't follow ? Or ! With .

A lot of capitals where there shouldn't be any - Writing (ironic, that one!). Keep capitals at start of sentences and for names.


The style:

It felt like a child's book. Not saying that cruely. It was too simple; too much exposition. You're telling us everything and showing us little. There's no connection with the child, apart from perhaps a sort of adoring for naivety or pureness. The whole thing is essentially a list, just like how kids tell stories: this happened then this then this. Expand these mini moments. Show us the bird to begin with, like a movie. Describe it, colours. Size, movements. Show us, make us feel the kids awe and wonder. Highlight the beauty he sees, don't rush on to tell us the next bit. Show it to us when it's time.


Throw in a bit of conflict, too. Show us him struggling to build the birdhouse, or his dad saying no or something. Just a little.

The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.


Click here to view my Poetry

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • 1 User Currently Viewing
    0 members, 0 Anonymous, 1 Guest

  • Create New...

Important Information

By using GTAForums.com, you agree to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.