Red Attack

[Karls]

Welp, I recently read Tom Clancy's Red October and Red Storm Rising, and it made me write this thing, set in the RSR Universe, and this is what I got so far. Tell me what you think about it!

It's mostly gonna be focused around the Swedish Tactical Command, the Swedish Home Guard and a joint U.S/Norway/Sweden operation.

 

SWEDEN, DALARNA COUNTY REGIMENT

"Jesus Christ, you can't aim dude." The voice of the 27-year old Lieutenant echoed trough the five-men squads headset. The Lieutenant - Michael Emanuelsson - was the leader of the squad. The squad belonged to the Swedish Home Guard - Hemvärnet. "You gotta get at least six more targets before I can pass you, Kenger."

Pvt. David "Kenger" Kengersson was the Designated Marksman of the squad. The remaining squad consisted of Pvt. Markus "Mackan" Svärd, a rifleman, Cpl. Johan Lindqvist, the demolitions "expert" and Cpl. Mattias Höjier, the second rifleman.

Kenger panted a bit and placed his chin on the stock of his AK4, a Swedish version of the G3, looked down his red-dot sight and fired off a couple of rounds down the firing range, hitting a couple of targets, and repeat. Four targets down. Two to go.

He shot a bullet at each of the remaining targets. The cardboard figures, looking like an angry, stylized Russian with an AK-47 Assault Rifle, fell over after the 7.62 hit it. Kenger smirked. "Good Work there Kenger." The Marksman, who had been laying down got up on his knees and folded up his bipod, and put the safety on. He took off his helmet, painted in the somewhat classic Swedish M/59 green paint and walked over to the rest of the squad, which had been standing behind some sandbags, approximately 50 feet away.

The situation was tense in Europe. The Warsaw Pact including the Soviet Union, "Ivan", had invaded Germany and Norway, only sixteen hours ago. Therefor, the Swedish Government was on high alert, and hoped for peace and neutrality. That wasn't gonna happen, everyone knew that. Ivan wanted the island of Gotland, located in the southern Baltic Sea, for air dominance over the Baltic Sea, but it was Swedish and the Swedes shipped over as many troops the ferrys could take, while the Soviet leaders was getting more and more frustrated.

But not only that angered them. The other was Swedish volunteers in Norway. Approx. 6000 Swedish soldiers was in Norway right now, making the Swedes lean towards NATO even more.

SWEDEN, TACTICAL COMMAND GROUP HQ, OUTSIDE OF STOCKHOLM CITY

All the Generals, Admirals and most other high-ranking officers in the Swedish Defenses was sitting around a table in the middle of a cold, pretty empty and lonely room, together with the Prime and Defense Ministers.

"Sir." Admiral Jakob Larsson stood up and looked at the Prime Minister. "Me and my colleagues has been debating whether or not we should move more Coastal and Mountain Rangers to Lapland, together with some Home Guard Divisions, and secure our borders to the west and north, together with the Finnish Defenses." He slowly stroked his silver beard and resumed. "The Russians has been acting very aggressive towards our neighbors. The Norwegians and Danes is taking one hell of a beating, and up to 18.000 civilian casualties. We should protect our general population against that threat." The Prime Minister nodded. "Admiral - I agree with you. But can't those rapid movements make Ivan freak out, and think we are trying to invade them, or something along those words?"

"Sir, anything is possible but we want to do this for our own safety. We also want to increase the air defenses by 150% on Gotland. The few Viggens we have there isn't good enough"

"Okay. But if something goes to hell, it's your fault."

The Admiral nodded. He got a feeling it will go to hell.

SWEDEN, DALARNA COUNTY REGIMENT

The next day five 103 tanks rolled out of the regiment, heading northbound on the road towards Lapland, together with eight trucks of equipment and ten full of soldiers. It was gonna be a long 16-hour ride.

The soldiers entertained themselves during the trip with card games and magazines. The trucks weren't designed for sleeping, so the soldiers slept either standing up, or lying next to some sweaty boots. Yum. They stopped a total of nine times - For food, talking, hygiene or other things. "I am getting to nice on these guys." the Commanding Officer thought for himself.

When they arrived at the make-shift base in Lapland Emanuelsson's squad was assigned to put up tents for the 160 troops that arrived. It was a pretty easy task. Each tent housed 12 men, and featured a fireplace in the middle. They put up 16 tents, so the officers could have one or two.

Edited September 30, 2015 by Karls

[Ziggy455]

 

Welp, I recently read Tom Clancy's Red October and Red Storm Rising, and it made me write this thing, set in the RSR Universe, and this is what I got so far. Tell me what you think about it!

It's mostly gonna be focused around the Swedish Tactical Command, the Swedish Home Guard and a joint U.S/Norway/Sweden operation.

 

SWEDEN, DALARNA COUNTY REGIMENT

"Jesus Christ, you can't aim dude." The voice of the 27-year old Lieutenant echoed trough the five-men squads headset. The Lieutenant - Michael Emanuelsson - was the leader of the squad. The squad belonged to the Swedish Home Guard - Hemvärnet. "You gotta get at least six more targets before I can pass you, Kenger."

Pvt. David "Kenger" Kengersson was the Designated Marksman of the squad. The remaining squad consisted of Pvt. Markus "Mackan" Svärd, a rifleman, Cpl. Johan Lindqvist, the demolitions "expert" and Cpl. Mattias Höjier, the second rifleman.

Kenger panted a bit and placed his chin on the stock of his AK4, a Swedish version of the G3, looked down his red-dot sight and fired off a couple of rounds down the firing range, hitting a couple of targets, and repeat. Four targets down. Two to go.

He shot a bullet at each of the remaining targets. The cardboard figures, looking like an angry, stylized Russian with an AK-47 Assault Rifle, fell over after the 7.62 hit it. Kenger smirked. "Good Work there Kenger." The Marksman, who had been laying down got up on his knees and folded up his bipod, and put the safety on. He took off his helmet, painted in the somewhat classic Swedish M/59 green paint and walked over to the rest of the squad, which had been standing behind some sandbags, approximately 50 feet away.

The situation was tense in Europe. The Warsaw Pact including the Soviet Union, "Ivan", had invaded Germany and Norway, only sixteen hours ago. Therefor, the Swedish Government was on high alert, and hoped for peace and neutrality. That wasn't gonna happen, everyone knew that. Ivan wanted the island of Gotland, located in the southern Baltic Sea, for air dominance over the Baltic Sea, but it was Swedish and the Swedes shipped over as many troops the ferrys could take, while the Soviet leaders was getting more and more frustrated.

But not only that angered them. The other was Swedish volunteers in Norway. Approx. 6000 Swedish soldiers was in Norway right now, making the Swedes lean towards NATO even more.

SWEDEN, TACTICAL COMMAND GROUP HQ, OUTSIDE OF STOCKHOLM CITY

All the Generals, Admirals and most other high-ranking officers in the Swedish Defenses was sitting around a table in the middle of a cold, pretty empty and lonely room, together with the Prime and Defense Ministers.

"Sir." Admiral Jakob Larsson stood up and looked at the Prime Minister. "Me and my colleagues has been debating whether or not we should move more Coastal and Mountain Rangers to Lapland, together with some Home Guard Divisions, and secure our borders to the west and north, together with the Finnish Defenses." He slowly stroked his silver beard and resumed. "The Russians has been acting very aggressive towards our neighbors. The Norwegians and Danes is taking one hell of a beating, and up to 18.000 civilian casualties. We should protect our general population against that threat." The Prime Minister nodded. "Admiral - I agree with you. But can't those rapid movements make Ivan freak out, and think we are trying to invade them, or something along those words?"

"Sir, anything is possible but we want to do this for our own safety. We also want to increase the air defenses by 150% on Gotland. The few Viggens we have there isn't good enough"

"Okay. But if something goes to hell, it's your fault."

The Admiral nodded. He got a feeling it will go to hell.

SWEDEN, DALARNA COUNTY REGIMENT

The next day five 103 tanks rolled out of the regiment, heading northbound on the road towards Lapland, together with eight trucks of equipment and ten full of soldiers. It was gonna be a long 16-hour ride.

The soldiers entertained themselves during the trip with card games and magazines. The trucks weren't designed for sleeping, so the soldiers slept either standing up, or lying next to some sweaty boots. Yum. They stopped a total of nine times - For food, talking, hygiene or other things. "I am getting to nice on these guys." the Commanding Officer thought for himself.

When they arrived at the make-shift base in Lapland Emanuelsson's squad was assigned to put up tents for the 160 troops that arrived. It was a pretty easy task. Each tent housed 12 men, and featured a fireplace in the middle. They put up 16 tents, so the officers could have one or two.

 

I gave this a solid read-through and the first thing I really want to mention is that this is placed in the Red Storm Rising universe. Why exactly? As sort of an ode to Tom Clancy, it's understandable, but what would stop you from tweaking the story a little, researching, and turning this into your own definable universe? Otherwise this comes off as pretty much a fanfiction, albeit a well written one, but fanfiction nonetheless, which there is nothing wrong with, but there is a thin line that could separate your work from Clancy's established timeline and in that you could branch out and create a much more vivid, memorable story that is both original and somewhat a nod to Clancy's work.

 

The second thing is just a few pointers on presentation, punctuation, and wording:

 

1. Never number things with numbers. This isn't really a rule of thumb here, but I like to keep it down to words unless strictly necessary. Also, you know this as I've seen this:

 

Each tent housed 12 men, and featured a fireplace in the middle. They put up 16 tents, so the officers could have one or two.

 

You put 12, 16, but then at the end you put one or two. It's just a little thing that but it find it important.

 

2. Shortening ranks is a no-no for me too. Simply calling them by their whole ranks just seems easier for the reader as opposed to Pvt. Regardless of whether they know. Once again, this isn't a massive rule, more of a general principle.

 

As for the story itself, it seems to be gearing up for a war, which I assume would be the bulk of the story, and with how it's starting, I'd like to see more to see where this goes, whether it'll be plot based, character based, a mix, or anything else.

Edited October 23, 2015 by Ziggy455

[Mokrie Dela]

Numerising numbers always looks amateur and untidy. I don't like it.l personally. If ive ever done it, it's down to laziness, and I always try to encourage otherwise.

 

Same with abbreviations, unless it's necessary. Usually, it isn't. If you're writing in deep character as a character - like a diary - then it might work. Here, not so much.

 

 

Nothing wrong with fan fiction, we all know my stance on that. But half of Clancy's appeal is the universe he's created. There is depth there, from the fleeting and obscure referencs to the Foleys in Rainbow Six, a nod toward Red Rabbit, to the international relations that almost prophesised the real world. Give it s shot; make your own.

 

I like seeing some Clancy-inspired work though