grand theft auto tennessing stories

[Lemoyne outlaw]

hi everybody. this is my first fanfic so dont expect it to be perfect. i started this in the gta universe states thread. i would appreciate any feedback as long as its not rude or insulting. i will take construcive criticism. i am also not the best at grammer but i am trying. anyways i hope you enjoy!

 

 

 

chapter 1

 

 

"where am i"? thats what lamar davis asked when he wound up in the middle of nowhere. he was in the countryside somewhere. he could not recognise the particular forest. then he remembered the last thing he remembered was being ambushed in a drug deal a usual occurance for lamar. but it was different this time. the people he delt with were new to los santos. he then started thinking about what franklin said might have been true that people always want to kill him and set him up. after about an hour of walking he found a small cabin. he figured that he could get a bite to eat and ask for directions to get back to ls. he knocked on the door and a older man came up to the door. "howdy" the man said. "wassup homie do you know how to get back los santos im lost"? " los santos"? " where do you think we are"? " somewere in blaine county"? " we aint in san andreas at all" "were are we"? " well we are in benjamin tennessing" "TENNESSING"??? " may i ask what happend to get you here without you knowing"? lamar was worried he he did not want to tell the man about his life. instead he told him that its personal. "come on son dont lie to me your in a gang aren't you"? "is it that obvious"? "well when you live out here you dont see many people that dress like you". "your a city boy plain as day not to mention you talk with slang." "so you gonna call the cops now?" "no my son was in a gang pherhaps one of the worst gangs ever" " the klu klux klan" " what the f*ck??" if you throw me to those animals imma pop them" " im sure you would but if you heard what i said my son was in it and thats how he died the idiot". " dang thats cold dawg". " anyways im sure your hungry and tired your welcome to stay for awhile and rest". " thanks man appreciate it". "no problem the name's jack" "im lamar but you better not try anything or your done!" " i promise we are just hospitable we like to lend helping hands to folks." as lamar was walking to jacks house he felt a different feeling. he still wanted revenge and wanted to get ahold of franklin and the gang. but he felt kind of peacful. but he did not let his guard down for a second. especially if the klan was close.

 

 

thanks for reading and please dont go crazy about me mentioning the klan. im not a racist at all even though some people got it in their heads that i am. and plus they are going to be an enemy.

[Lemoyne outlaw]

ok im working on chapter two but before i post it does anyone have any suggestions/opinions on my first chapter?

[universetwisters]

I know you like to call me a "grammer nazi" but seriously, fix your first post. It looks more like a run-on sentence than an actual story. Learn the difference between "you're" and "your", and if you can write TENNESSING in all caps, then surely you can capitalize place names, given names, starts of sentences, etc.

[AEsob]

Okay, if universetwisters said he was grammar nazi, then I'm f*ckin' Hitler.

 

But I'll go easy.

 

Space it up.

 

Dialogue goes one per line, except when said by the same person, and can be quite better, like this-

 

"Los Santos?", the man was incredulous,"Where do you think we are?"

 

You are missing Caps, and it looks like I am looking at a brick, don't do that, readers don't like that at all.

 

Try your best, and ask for help when you need it.

 

Describe your characters, and put your brain into it. Writing never comes spontaneously, you have to put your heart and soul into it to make it work.

 

Live inside your haracter's head for a moment, look into the situation as the character would. Understand your characters, and hope you don't stumble onto a block.

 

My advice, do an original short story before you do fanfics.

 

AESOB