TomVDC Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Memories "Hauntingly beautiful" Those were the only words he could muster as he stared intently at the photo she had just sent him. The message had caught him unaware it had been more than a month since he had heard from her. Not that he had tried reaching out to her. She had ended their brief relationship six months earlier, and he strongly doubted that she would want to share her stories with him as she went off on a South American adventure by herself. Even if that wasn't the case, his friends had convinced him to try and use this time as a way to get her out of his system. From the description she had attached to the photo he surmised that she was currently in Ecuador. The photo which could have been taken anywhere in South America stood out in its simplicity. All it showed was a girl using a swing somewhere high up on a hill overlooking a tropical forest of which only the nearest trees were visible through a thick fog. The fog reminded him of a totally different day. The day they had kissed or to be entirely correct, when she had kissed him. He had met her in his freshman year of university, though had only got to know her better when the previous Summer was coming to an end. Sparks flew between them as they finally got acquainted and they decided to go on a date before she left for Spain. Somehow their relationship became increasingly profound during her semester-long Erasmus exchange, and unsurprisingly to their mutual friends it seemed something had developed between them. So on a late December day he finally saw her again for a second date. That is when the true magic happened, he this insecure boy who had never gone on a single date before did everything right. As if it were a classic Hollywood romance she kissed him. Cuddling her, he sat on the bench in the quiet harbour, staring to the other side of the city through the thick fog. They kept each other warm as they were both ravaged by the icy sea breeze... He looked at the photo once more. ,"Hauntingly beautiful", he whispered to himself and with a sigh he deleted the photo, and unfollowed her account. "He would no longer let her beauty haunt him", he thought. ----------------------------- As I said in the Writer's Room this is a one-off that was written today, in under an hour, but it was an idea that kept bouncing around in my head and kept me from sleep. I am sure some of you are familiar with the phenomenon. At this moment I hope it is still as good in the morning. Link to comment https://gtaforums.com/topic/812857-memories/ Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mokrie Dela Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Memories "Hauntingly beautiful" Those were the only words he could muster as he stared intently at the photo she had just sent him. I like this opening. Felt like it had a nice hit. The message had caught him unaware it had been more than a month since he had heard from her. Not sure here - but should this be 2 sentences? "The message had caught him unaware. It had been more than a month..." ? And I've read it a few times but can't quite figure out why "had been" is emphasized this way. Not that he had tried reaching out to her. She had ended their brief relationship six months earlier, and he strongly doubted that she would want to share her stories with him as she went off on a South American adventure by herself. Even if that wasn't the case, his friends had convinced him to try and use this time as a way to get her out of his system. From the description she had attached to the photo he surmised that she was currently in Ecuador. The photo which could have been taken anywhere in South America stood out in its simplicity. All it showed was a girl using a swing somewhere high up on a hill overlooking a tropical forest of which only the nearest trees were visible through a thick fog. The fog reminded him of a totally different day. The day they had kissed or to be entirely correct, when she had kissed him. He had met her in his freshman year of university, though had only got to know her better when the previous Summer was coming to an end. Sparks flew between them as they finally got acquainted and they decided to go on a date before she left for Spain. Somehow their relationship became increasingly profound during her semester-long Erasmus exchange, and unsurprisingly to their mutual friends it seemed something had developed between them. So on a late December day he finally saw her again for a second date. That is when the true magic happened, he this insecure boy who had never gone on a single date before did everything right. As if it were a classic Hollywood romance she kissed him. Cuddling her, he sat on the bench in the quiet harbour, staring to the other side of the city through the thick fog. They kept each other warm as they were both ravaged by the icy sea breeze... He looked at the photo once more. ,"Hauntingly beautiful", he whispered to himself and with a sigh he deleted the photo, and unfollowed her account. "He would no longer let her beauty haunt him", he thought. ----------------------------- As I said in the Writer's Room this is a one-off that was written today, in under an hour, but it was an idea that kept bouncing around in my head and kept me from sleep. I am sure some of you are familiar with the phenomenon. At this moment I hope it is still as good in the morning. Not a lot I can say to this. At the end, when he whispers to himself and thinks, I'd write them differently - "Hauntingly beautiful," he whispered to himself. // He would no longer let her beauty haunt him, he thought -- or: I will no longer let her beauty haunt me, he thought. - i use italics to show internal monologue, like the character silent talking to himself in his head - hence "I". In terms of technical ability, this seemed pretty solid. Couldn't see any typos or any major grammatical errors, tbh. It flowed quite well, and made sense. Thing about one shot,s however is they usually have to wrap themselves up - obviously as it's a standalone work. To some extent this did do that - kind of like the character accepting things and moving on. But I always reduce a one-shot to a single sentence synopsis. In this example: a man looks at a photo. Usually that means to me I need to put more into it. If i struggle simplifying it into one sentence, then I know i've got enough going on in it. However, i did like this, and don't think this needs more put into it. For something written in a short time (was it edited at all?) it's pretty good. If it became a part of something bigger, and the rest was written to the same standard, then you'd have a pretty solid story on your hands. TomVDC 1 Link to comment https://gtaforums.com/topic/812857-memories/#findComment-1067842798 Share on other sites More sharing options...
TomVDC Posted August 6, 2015 Author Share Posted August 6, 2015 Thank you for your commentary Mokrie Dela. As to your remark in the text, it seems that the en-dash I used there didn't transfer when I posted this, and I honestly cannot remember why I emphasized the had been. I am sure I had a reason for doing so, but it eludes. In regard to the italics and the first person perspective when writing internal monologue that is indeed useful criticism. I usually write my characters from the first person perspective, so I when I wrote this from the third person perspective I must have look over the fact that thoughts are usually still in the first person. However, it is reassuring that my technical ability is on par. I must admit that I would consider hanging myself if that wasn't the case. I am starting my Master in Translation in September after all. Now even though that deals mostly with translating from English or Portuguese to Dutch, the reverse is also true. Secondly, I completely understand your point about the synopsis. Unlike anything else I have ever written this whole one-off was based on those two words that just came to me.Lastly, this story was not edited it all. The two opening words came to me as I got into bed and I just wrote this on my phone. It is as simple as that. Thank you for you commentary once again, it means a lot coming from someone whose work I absolutely love I have read both City of Lies and Justice in Flames twice so far and to me it is one of the prime examples of how good well-executed fan fiction can be. As to this one shot, I am afraid that this story won't be continued. I simply couldn't do justice to a story such as this. It is completely out of my comfort zone. Though this has got my creative juices going and I will hopefully be frequenting Writer's Discussion a bit more from now on. Link to comment https://gtaforums.com/topic/812857-memories/#findComment-1067847270 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mokrie Dela Posted August 7, 2015 Share Posted August 7, 2015 Thanks man. I am working on a GTA V "COL" Regarding you not continuing this, that's fine, of course. It's out of your comfort zone, which is where you should spend some time. Even if you don't upload this, don't feel you can't ever try it because it's not your usual thing. It'd be cool for you to hang around. Sometimes i write and don't edit stuff - in the one shots topic, for example. My rule is: I write it, and do not edit it. I write and post. IMO it encourages me to write it well to begin with (a habit which will make future writing and edits easier). Any story, really, should be edited, of course. A simple run through can get rid of some basic problems and even big ones - like tense.Look forward to seeing more of your stuff man. Link to comment https://gtaforums.com/topic/812857-memories/#findComment-1067851138 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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