Without A Curse

[Acehilm]

Part I - A world without a curse.

 

"Well, you heard anything about Tucker?" asked Topey, the one legged trucker pal, who wore a ginger beard. He rocked to Steel panther, and his black shades tore a new agenda, an alter ego. Johnson, a fit thirty year old silver spoon offspring, turns to Topey after filling up his semi-trailer truck, "I have not? He on probation again with weed, dirty fool of a don?" he jokes, coughing up a golly and spitting it onto the cold gravel. Topey stays silent, watching as a truck rolls by the deserted plains. "No. He made turns with some boys down south of the border earlier this morning," he begins, patting down his leather jacket with badges, and pulling out a rolled blunt - lighting it, inhaling deeply, "DEA found them. He took a hit at Benton.. apparently!?" he says, his voice loudening. "f*ck," Johnson yelled back hard, looking down at his messages and noticing missed calls. "What's, wrong? I never talked to Benton. He was always the well guarded pawn, I know he's the don," Johnson says. "He is my cousin. I hope he is okay. That's all I can say," Topey says bluntly, dropping his blunt and stomping on it before swinging and perching himself on the step up of his trunk - throwing the big red door open and climbing inside the leather and dark interior. The ignition sparks, and the truck jumps alive for a moment, heaving at the exhaust. The nitro green lights on the dashboard keep him awake at long drives during night. The radio tunes in, and Howard Stern's fuzzy voice speaks on the speakers - he switches the station, and 'Uncle Sam God damn,' by Brother Ali pumps on the speakers. He drives off out of the parking lot of the gas station and turns into the darkest and abyss of the night, with an illuminated green light showing, 'Phoenix.' He puts Benton on loud speaker, and he waits, listening closely before it dials out.

 

"Damn," he mutters, pushing his foot hard on the acceleration. Bzzz, his phone vibrates in his lap and he picks up the phone, "Yeah? Is he okay? Who is this?" Topey splatters out over the phone. "Listen, T. It isn't good news.. man," he chokes up, ".. I can't deal with this right now, man, are you there?" he asks, oblivious to a shocked and angered Topey, "Who f*cking made the move, what happened, c'mon, gimme this information. I'm the second man in charge, don't forget?" he calls out, looking out ahead into the valley of complete darkness, hung my a meridian. "Tucker.. they are charging him, but I have proof it wasn't him," Dale proclaims, "I was with Tucker when we ran into DEA slaughtering hundreds of mexican families - we killed them," he says, becoming clearer in his voice. "Who shot him, Dale?" Topey aks calmly, "We think it was a move made by Miles Davidson, the mayor of Albany in Upstate New York. He actually has us here.. Topey.." he cries, as the sound of a gun cocking is heard, "Don't do it. Listen to yourselves. We can negotiate, what do you want?" he calls out, "He's ruining our weed trade," a voice is heard back through the voice, and not Dales, "We want him dead. He is taking our supplier," the voice details. Topey tries to recall their supplier. It went by the name of a guy in Silicon Valley - Eric Sneekers, a college graduate at most. "I will talk to him. In the mean time, stay calm. Our men don't break easy, but they also don't want to have to be broken. We can we calm, and settle this like f*cking me, you f*cking understand you white collared asshole?" he screams - and the phone hangs up. With Benton perhaps dead, the company in the hands of corrupt Albany Miles Davidson, and all of this at the hands of Eric Sneekers, there seems to be only one obvious option. "Yeah, you in town?" Topey asks, driving into Los Angeles, and seeing the dully light city, "Of course man. Just in the valley bro. We've been watching these mad re-runs of My Name Is Earl, and like watching the SmokeBox with B-Real. Feel free to drop in any time, brother," Eric says, in quite a happy-go-lucky stoner dude. "This'll be like childsplay," Topey says, after ending the call and easing off from the highway.

[Mokrie Dela]

Straight away I see one huge problem here - "wall of text". There's next to no breaks. I see lots of speech and not a single new line. It makes it very difficult to read (as a basic "wall of text" thing) but also difficult to see who's talking. The eyes and mind become fatigued very quickly, and the risk of the reader tuning out is great.

 

I'll go through this a little, however.

 

 

 

"Well, you heard anything about Tucker?" asked Topey, the one legged trucker pal, who wore a ginger beard. He rocked to Steel panther, and his black shades tore a new agenda, an alter ego. I like the language here, it has a nice poetic flavour, a decent flow. Next, we have a change of speaker, so we need that on a new line, however.

 

Johnson, a fit thirty year old silver spoon offspring, turns We now have a problem with tense. Before, you say "asked Topey" - past tense, and now we're in present. Either is acceptable, but it's best to stick to one, and not change. to Topey after filling up his semi-trailer truck, "I have not? He on probation again with weed, dirty fool of a don?" he jokes, coughing up a golly and spitting it onto the cold gravel.Now, to be honest, I'm not sure about the placement of the question marks. "I have not?" felt very awkward to me, even reading it aloud. Firstly, is sounds too wooden, I'd go with "I haven't" or even (as we're talking truckers) "I ain't". Depending on regional dialect, phonetic spelling might also be an option: The question mark implies that Johnson is question it. To me, it's like Johnson's been told he hasn't, when he thought he had: "I haven't? Oh. I'm mistaken." Perhaps you're going for something else with it, but whatever it is, i'm not seeing it. Topey stays silent, watching as a truck rolls by the deserted plains. "No. He made turns with some boys down south of the border earlier this morning," he begins, patting down his leather jacket with badges, and pulling out a rolled blunt - lighting it, inhaling deeply, Who's talking here? You previously state Topey remains silent, implying that the following speech is Johnson or someone else. But the way it's written makes it sound like Topey - which contradicts him "remaining silent." If it's Topey, I'd remove the "Topey stays silent" completely and simple have: "Topey watched as a truck rolled by the deserted plains. "No," he said, "He made turns..."

"DEA found them. He took a hit at Benton.. apparently!?" he says, his voice loudening. Again, the question mark, with exclamation, too. The speech here simply does not work to me. He's talking flatly, normally, then practically cries out "apparently?" like before, but with more force. I'd remove the !? completely here. Just having "apparently." will be more than sufficient in conveying his doubts over what he's saying.

 

"f*ck," Johnson yelled back hard, looking down at his messages and noticing missed calls. Capitalize "f*ck" as it's a new sentence. Remove the comma after "what's" too. The use of "hard" here is superfluous, too. Yelling is forceful speech so there's no need to say hard imo. If you want to convey confusion or anger, show us a facial expression. A frown, a gritting of teeth, a cocking of the head... "What's, wrong? I never talked to Benton. He was always the well guarded pawn, I know he's the don," Johnson says. "He is my cousin. I hope he is okay. That's all I can say," Topey says bluntly, dropping his blunt and stomping on it before swinging and perching himself on the step up of his trunk - throwing the big red door open and climbing inside the leather and dark interior. I assume this latter speech is Topey. Firstly, as said before, new line for a new speaker. If you're shifting perspective from one character to the other, I'd do that on a new line, also. Secondly, the speech is too wooden for me. I'm not believing this character at all. "He is my cousin. I hope he is okay. That's all I can say." - this is too correct, and I rarely witness people talk this way. "He's my cousin. I hope he's okay. That's all i can say." - the abbreviations flow better for speech. Unless, of course, the speaker is accented, then it can work, because of english being, perhaps, a second language. But there is no indication of accent. Thirdly, IMO, the sentences are too short. Too snappy for a scene with a slow tempo. While it's good to keep things as short as possible and avoid unnecessary words, the speech just didn't flow right to me. Fourthly, you use the same word twice with in 3 words of itself - blunt. When referring to a blunt you smoke, you can use other words - spliff, for example. Also when using it to describe the speech, there are other words also: abruptly, curtly,.. I'd also think of using "topey says bluntly" in between "I hope he is okay," and "That's all I can say." as i think it'd help with the flow. Finally in this section, the sentence with "bluntly" in it drags on a bit for me. Where you've used a hyphen after "trunk" I'd instead make that a new sentence. Think of it as speaking, and a full stop (period) is where you breath. you need regular and consistent "breaths" to make it flow right, otherwise it is too long winded. I'd also swap "leather and dark" interior round to "Dark leather interior." Cut out the unneeded word, shorten it and make it more natural in flow.

The ignition sparks, and the truck jumps alive for a moment, heaving at the exhaust. The nitro green lights on the dashboard keep him awake at on/during long drives during (I'd use "at" if during was used previously) night. The radio tunes in, and Howard Stern's fuzzy voice speaks on the speakers - A full stop would be more effective here. he switches the station, and 'Uncle Sam God damn,' by Brother Ali pumps on the speakers. A minor note - not everyone is going to be familiar with this song. That's not reason not to include it, however, but I'd consider an brief description to convey the song's sound - is it loud, heavy, relaxing or what? He drives off If you're using "drives off" then be aware it gives the impression that the vehicle is leaving the perspective of the reader. I think the reader is staying with him, so cut the word "off", and stick with "he drives out of the parking lot" instead. out of the parking lot of the gas station and turns into the darkest (is this supposed to be "darkness"? or darkest abyss?) and abyss of the night, with an illuminated green light showing, 'Phoenix.' He puts Benton on loud speaker, Not sure this comma's needed and he waits, listening closely before it dials out.

 

"Damn," he mutters, pushing his foot hard on the acceleration. Use "Accelerator" or "throttle" or "gas" (if set in america, i find it best to write in american dialect - so use "cell phone" instead of "mobile", "Gas instead of accelerator" etc. Bzzz, his phone vibrates in his lap and he picks up the phone, I don't quite see the point in using "bzzz" if I'm honest. You tell us that the phone vibrates, so there's little need for it. And it's that strange thing that I don't enjoy seeing much in stories, but that is a personal opinion more than a technical one. You also repeat yourself a little: "his phone vibrates in his lap and he picks up the phone. I'd eliminate the repeated "phone" - use "it" or word it differently: "He felt the pulsing vibration in his lap and picks up the phone" or something.. "Yeah? Is he okay? Who is this?" Topey splatters out over the phone. No real need to tell us he splatters "over the phone" - it's already heavily implied he's answered it. "Listen, T. It isn't good news.. man," he I had to come back to this - who the hell is "he" the caller? I thought it was Topey. You really need these new speakers, new lines, man. And wording it to make it clearer who's talking: "Listen, T. It isn't good news... man," the voice on the phone choked up." chokes up, ".. I can't deal with this right now, man, are you there?" he asks, oblivious to a shocked and angered Topey, Who's talking here? --> "Who f*cking made the move, what happened, c'mon, gimme this information. I'm the second man in charge, don't forget?" he calls out, looking out ahead into the valley of complete darkness, hung my a meridian. "Tucker.. they are charging him, but I have proof it wasn't him," Dale proclaims, Okay, now you're naming this caller. If Topey knows who it is, tell us as soon as he answers - because as Topey's the active character here, we're privvy to what he knows, so we should know who's calling immediately. It also makes it easier for you to write and tell us who's talking. "I was with Tucker when we ran into DEA slaughtering hundreds of mexican families - we killed them," he says, becoming clearer in his voice. "Who shot him, Dale?" Topey aks A very VERY basic typo that should have been caught in your proof/edit. calmly, "We think it was a move made by Miles Davidson, the mayor of Albany in Upstate New York. He actually has us here.. Topey.." he cries, as the sound of a gun cocking is heard, "Don't do it. Listen to yourselves. We can negotiate, what do you want?" he calls out, "He's ruining our weed trade," a voice is heard back through the voice, and not Dales, "We want him dead. He is taking our supplier," the voice details. Topey tries to recall their supplier. It went by the name of a guy in Silicon Valley - Eric Sneekers, a college graduate at most. "I will talk to him. In the mean time, stay calm. Our men don't break easy, but they also don't want to have to be broken. We can we calm, and settle this like f*cking me, you f*cking understand you white collared asshole?" he screams - and the phone hangs up. With Benton perhaps dead, the company in the hands of corrupt Albany Miles Davidson, and all of this at the hands of Eric Sneekers, there seems to be only one obvious option. "Yeah, you in town?" Topey asks, driving into Los Angeles, and seeing the dully light city, "Of course man. Just in the valley bro. We've been watching these mad re-runs of My Name Is Earl, and like watching the SmokeBox with B-Real. Feel free to drop in any time, brother," Eric says, in quite a happy-go-lucky stoner dude. "This'll be like childsplay," Topey says, after ending the call and easing off from the highway.

This got real confusing. I couldn't tell who's talking to who, or really what's going on at the end. Spacing is the biggest problem.

 

Now for my blunt, honest opinion: This was not ready to be shared. This feels like a first draft. It needs a lot of work - mainly in spacing, labelling speakers etc. And tense, too. is it past (he said) or present (he says). As problematic as these problems are, they're very easy to fix. To me, it seems like this hasn't been proof read or checked, just written and uploaded in a rush. Take your time, go over it. Do one check for tense and perspective, and another for spacing - whatever you need.

 

It is, however, a good opener to a larger story. There's enough questioning going on to make people read on, and some of the language is really nice and pleasing. I think I've read your stuff before (at least your user name is familiar) and tbh I feel you're capable of a quality better than this. All it needs, however, is a little tidy up, a bit more time, patience and attention. It's not terrible, and there's potential here. Overall, i liked it, despite the aforementioned issues I had.

[Acehilm]

It was horribly written. I will go back to the drawing board.

[Mokrie Dela]

I wouldn't go that far, man. It just needs a bit of tightening up, that's all.

[Ziggy455]

It was horribly written. I will go back to the drawing board.

 

Woah, now. I wouldn't say it was written horribly. Your worst issue is the fact your formatting is a little off. I like to stick to these rules when writing:

 

Dialogue is one a single line, like so:

"Well, you heard anything about Tucker?" asked Topey, the one legged trucker pal, who wore a ginger beard.

 

He rocked to Steel panther, and his black shades tore a new agenda, an alter ego. Johnson, a fit thirty year old silver spoon offspring, turns to Topey after filling up his semi-trailer truck, "I have not? He on probation again with weed, dirty fool of a don?" he jokes, coughing up a golly and spitting it onto the cold gravel.

 

Topey stays silent, watching as a truck rolls by the deserted plains. "No. He made turns with some boys down south of the border earlier this morning," he begins, patting down his leather jacket with badges, and pulling out a rolled blunt - lighting it, inhaling deeply, "DEA found them. He took a hit at Benton.. apparently!?" he says, his voice loudening.

 

"f*ck," Johnson yelled back hard, looking down at his messages and noticing missed calls. "What's, wrong? I never talked to Benton.

 

He was always the well guarded pawn, I know he's the don," Johnson says. "He is my cousin. I hope he is okay. That's all I can say," Topey says bluntly, dropping his blunt and stomping on it before swinging and perching himself on the step up of his trunk - throwing the big red door open and climbing inside the leather and dark interior.

 

The ignition sparks, and the truck jumps alive for a moment, heaving at the exhaust. The nitro green lights on the dashboard keep him awake at long drives during night. The radio tunes in, and Howard Stern's fuzzy voice speaks on the speakers - he switches the station, and 'Uncle Sam God damn,' by Brother Ali pumps on the speakers. He drives off out of the parking lot of the gas station and turns into the darkest and abyss of the night, with an illuminated green light showing, 'Phoenix.' He puts Benton on loud speaker, and he waits, listening closely before it dials out.

 

 

The spaces allow the reader to understand the divide of when another dialogue or action is shown. See? I didn't change anything. I only simply spaced and it just makes it easier on the eyes. Massive walls of texts dispel readers attention very quickly.

 

Mokrie has cut down the technical stuff so I'll just go with the story, for now.

 

I like it. It's got a very Savages vibe; cartels, DEA, weed-business. I like the way it begins, right into the action of it. The dialogue feels natural, the description is vibrant and visceral; on point. In all honesty I'd like to see where you go with this so I can really break it down and help you further. I'm sure Mokrie can help you greatly, too.

[Mokrie Dela]

I always tend to forget once I've done technical stuff to talk about the actual story Good to see you picking up my slack, Ziggy.