How to deal with a troll (An open letter to the former cjohnsonjk5274)

[Slam_Jones]

Hello! It has been pointed out that this is (without a doubt) a bot. Mods can close this thread if they like. My bot-dar is horrible, so I thought this was a person. I was wrong. However, I'll tell you the tale anyway...

 

So, last night I received a hate message on here from cjohnsonjk5274, which I can only assume he sent to many others, as well. Apparently this has been happening to many users on the forum for a year or more.

Having read it, I decided to respond as best I could, but was disappointed to see that he the bot had already been banned, and therefore couldn't see my message. So, (robot) friend, here it is!

 

First, here's the eloquent poem he penned for me: (Warning! Contains vulgarities)

 

Isn't the internet great. It allows sh*theads like yourself to say sh*t that would, in real life get your head cracked open. Hopefully you'll suffer the same fate f*cking c*nt. Please turn to the loaded gun in your drawer, put it in your mouth, and pull the trigger, blowing your brains out. You'll be doing the whole world a favor. sh*tbag. I would love to smash your face in until it no longer resembled anything human, fa**ot. Die painfully okay? Prefearbly by getting crushed to death in a garbage compactor, by getting your face cut to ribbons with a pocketknife, your head cracked open with a baseball bat, your stomach sliced open and your entrails spilled out, and your eyeballs ripped out of their sockets. f*cking bitch I would love to kick you hard in the face, breaking it. Then I'd cut your stomach open with a chainsaw, exposing your intestines. Then I'd cut your windpipe in two with a boxcutter. Hopefully you'll get what's coming to you. f*cking bitch I really hope that you get curb-stomped. It'd be hilarious to see you begging for help, and then someone stomps on the back of your head, leaving you to die in horrible, agonizing pain. fa**ot Shut the f*ck up f aggot, before you get your face bashed in and cut to ribbons, and your throat slit. You're dead if I ever meet you in real life, f ucker. I'll f ucking kill you. I would love to f ucking send your f ucking useless ass to the hospital in intensive care, fighting for your worthless life. I wish you a truly painful, bloody, gory, and agonizing death, c*nt

 

 

He also embedded a video that YouTube has since removed due to being "a violation of [our] policy on shocking and disgusting content," so you know it was a real winner.

 

Anywho, here's my reply: (also contains vulgarities, though in a different manner)

 

 

Hello, friend! I enjoy your colorful phrasing and picturesque plans! As a fellow writer, I, too, try to get as much practice as I can. I admit, it can be quite hard to practice the "illiterate, sexually-abused 14-year-old," but you seem to have it nailed! The lack of punctuation, the repeating curses... everything about it is perfect!

 

I love how detailed you get about my death. I am a bit confused about the order of events though... first I should shoot myself in the head, there won't be much left your you to assault. This is alright, though, as I assume this is option A. I'll keep a gold star on that one, it seems pleasant.

 

So option B, then, must be the face-punching. Til my brains squirt out through the cracks I assume, the same way extra soap comes gushing out of a wet sponge when you squeeze it. After that, tossing my in a garbage compactor seems a little redundant, but hey, this is your hate crime, not mine. If it were me, I'd go for an incinerator so I could get rid of the evidence. Again, just a suggestion.

 

So that brings us to Option C, which seems really rather exciting. First, I get my face cut to ribbons with a pocketknife. Make it a rusty one, and rub some salt on the blade. That extra stinging makes it all worth it. Once you've got some blood flowing, it seems you'll be going at my head with a baseball bat. Seems very similar to punching my face in, but hey, you can't always get full marks for originality. But show's not over, because then you get to dig into my chest and pull out my organs. I hear you should remove the heart so last, so I can keep watching as long as possible. Again, your choice. Then, finally, you'll rip my eyes from their sockets. Oddly enough, you saved this for last. If you want me to watch the whole thing, why not scoop them out (without severing the connection to my brain) and kinda turn them around, so I can look down on it, as if I already died and am watching from afar. Oh, how melodious.

 

Okay, so this brings us to Option D, which has a lot of similar elements to the previous ones. This time, however, you opt to open my chest cavity with a chainsaw. Messy, but I admire your dedication. Then out comes the box cutter, and snip goes the windpipe. No more screaming for me, no sir, just some wet gurgling and panicked eyes. I guess at this point I'll be begging for help (not sure how, with my windpipe cut... I guess in this scenario, I know sign language! I mean, I already know sign language, but only the alphabet. That's not exactly enough to sign for help, really, but hey, this day is all about you) before getting curb-stomped. An exciting way to put down a dissenter, I assure you.

 

And, finally, Option E (my personal favorite!) In this beautifully crafted scenario, I will have my face bashed in (though I must ask with what weapon? Is it the fist from the first time? Or the baseball bat from the second? These details matter, you know!) and cut to ribbons. I assume you're still using the rusty pocketknife. Look at you, taking care of your possessions, just like a big boy! Oh, I forgot, then I get my throat slit. Cue the gurgling and slow, painful death. My cause of death at that point might actually be "Choked to death on his own blood." Put that sh*t on my tombstone! Hardcore!

 

 

I do hope to meet you in real life, you seem like a swell fella! We can exchange torture ideas (that was your favorite scene in GTA 5, right? Me too! xD) and even indulge in some light cannabalism. Finger for a finger, y'know? OR thigh piece for thigh piece... I like the dark meat better, y'know.

 

I'm sorry that I can't see the link you so playfully provided, so please, when you have a chance, try to send it again. I'm really interested in what content it might contain.

 

 

Your good friend,

Slam_Jones

 

 

PS. Row row, fight the powah!

 

PPS. Awwwww, you've already been banned! I really wanted to talk with you

 

 

 

So, in summary, don't let creepy trolls bots freak you out spam your sh*t. Justice always comes to those who deserve it.

 

Also, I'm terrible at telling robots from humans. When Skynet comes, I'll be the first to go...

Edited June 9, 2015 by Slam_Jones

[Static]

Congratulations you just wasted all that time on a spambot.

 

Edited June 9, 2015 by Static

[make total destroy]

You replied to a bot, bro.

 

/thread

[Slam_Jones]

Congratulations you just wasted all that time on a spambot.

 

 

Took me 5 minutes and got some old stress off my chest. Worth it regardless

 

You replied to a bot, bro.

 

/thread

 

Would a bot wait around two weeks before botting it up?

 

I'm actually asking. I have terrible gay-dar, so I guess my bot-dar is pretty rough, too.

Edited June 9, 2015 by Slam_Jones

[make total destroy]

I'm not sure how they actually function, but literally hundreds of users have received that exact same message, or a slight variation of it. It's been happening consistently for at least a year now. Everytime one of the bot accounts is banned, another pop-ups.

Edited June 9, 2015 by make total destroy

[Slam_Jones]

I'm not sure how they actually function, but literally hundreds of users have received that exact same message, or a slight variation of it. It's been happening consistently for at least a year now.

 

Now I know! Thank you for the knowledge.

 

Mods, feel free to shut this one down.

[Herbanov]

You shouldn't have even replied, it's just a copypasta, and a very lame one. I got sent the exact same message here a few months ago, didn't even read the whole stuff, the "user" was banned in no time as well. They're just troll accounts.

[Slam_Jones]

You shouldn't have even replied, it's just a copypasta, and a very lame one. I got sent the exact same message here a few months ago, didn't even read the whole stuff, the "user" was banned in no time as well. They're just troll accounts.

 

I am a fool, it's true. As someone who can't tell robot from human, I'll be the first to fall when Skynet's plans come to fruition.

 

Woe is me.

[wiizardii]

Ok I think it's enough GTAforums for today.

[m.toreno]

Congratulations you just wasted all that time on a spambot.

Humans are spambots made to spread online memes when the 21st century rolled around.

 

 

 

/thread

 

 

 

OK I think it's enough GTAforums for today.

 

 

 

I am a fool, it's true. As someone who can't tell robot from human, I'll be the first to fall when Skynet's plans come to fruition.

You're not the only one, traveler. Kifflom!

[Creed Bratton]

Yeah, I got that message too a while ago. And like all the other hate mail I decided to ignore it. I didn't waste time thinking if it was a bot or human. I didn't care. I ignored it and I moved on with my life.

[ROCKSTAR MANIC]

Wow, very descriptive. But for some weird reason if found that message very humorous. I mean all that hate towards Jones was so real you could feel though those words. Well i guess it was a spambot that was behind it all. Any still remember the Zidane days?? Anybody??. hehe!.

[reiniat]

One of those rare occasions where this meme truly fits the situation:

Congratulations in all that wasted time.

Edited June 9, 2015 by reiniat