Open Letter to [insert name]

[All Those Chickens]

Dear GTA:O Cluckin' Bell,

 

I see your vans driving around all the damn time, yet none of your restaurants are open, in fact, not even a rocket launcher can put a crack in the entrance doors of your restaurants.

 

I am growing very suspicious of what's going on behind those closed, everything-proof doors. I can only theorize what's really going on.

 

So here are my thoughts based on very valid evidence. You're building up an army of space chickens and you're keeping them in your restaurants, and all of your restaurants are linked together via secret underground passages which include transportation by UFOs. I think Agent 14 is also involved - he wanted us to take over Humane Labs so that your space chicken research can become more advanced with better equipment.

 

You're planning to have domination over the entire world, using space chickens to achieve this goal. Well, you can't fool me Cluckin' Bell, I've got you all figured out.

 

Watch your back,

 

alexthingy Anonymous

[HirsuteDave]

Dear NPCs,

 

Can you please wait for me to pass before you make your sudden lane changes and illegal turns? Particularly if I happen to be riding a motorcycle at the time.

 

Yours,

 

An Unhappy Road Pizza

Edited April 24, 2015 by HirsuteDave

[JRC99]

Dear Griefers,

 

Thanks for paying to replace my car!

 

Sincerely, JRC99 (JRC1963 on Steam)

[psymin]

Dear Rockstar

 

From a life-long fanboy (midnight club: street racing ftw) thank you for the greatest game ever made.

 

Thank you for including nearly all the features one could ask for in a sandbox game (NEARLY, I mean, why cant I sit on a fuxkin park bench man?) and allowing the most free-playing game yet.

 

Thank you for including very smart social commentary in this alternate universe and not being afraid to ruffle some panties with your choices.

 

Thank you for the money glitches - I give the stinky finger to greedy parasitic publishers and corporate cocksuckers in my personal life as often as possible, thanks for letting me do it in a virtual bullsh*t economy too.

 

Sincerely,

psymin

 

PS.... I want mansions and swords and trenchcoats.

THANKS. Moar everything.

[Giantsgiants]

Dear Albany,

 

Whoo boy, my favorite car manufacturer. I want to say thank you for producing a lineup of such amazing vehicles. I've owned quite a bunch of your vehicles throughout my GTA Online career, and I had a blast with them all.

 

First off, I would like to begin with the Alpha. You debuted this car back in March 2014. Ever since I started hearing about the announcements for it coming out, I was hyped. I bought one and never looked back. It's become my favorite car in GTA Online.

 

 

Next up is the Buccaneer. I first encountered the 2008 version found in GTA IV and liked its looks, and then when GTA V came out in 2013, you changed the look again. Nevertheless, I kept one. It was quite an underrated car; I only encountered one or two others in freemode. I painted mine brown and blue with green rims because those are Attack On Titan colors. I sadly had to get rid of mine to make room for newer GTA Online vehicles, but I will never forget driving it.

 

 

Now, the Cavalcade. I originally bought mine to remind me of a girl I met on another forum. I even wrote a whole story about it, if you want to read it. She just loves white Escalades. Thank you for producing an SUV that appeals so much to the anime community. Each year, I always look forward to rolling up to my local anime convention in it, and yes, it attracts the ladies. So thank you for producing the perfect vehicle for the anime fan.

 

 

The next vehicle I want to talk about is the Roosevelt. Wow! What a vehicle! It's one of my favorites, ranking right up there with the Alpha. Valentine's Day may be long over, but I still enjoy taking it out for drives, and using it in missions and heists. The body is definitely unique, and its rarity makes it even more appealing. Not to mention, you did a fine job with the interior design. Mine is painted pink and purple because of an anime character called Gasai Yuno.

 

 

Finally, the Stretch. I unfortunately don't have a picture of it, but I bought it with some of my heist money, and boy the vehicle is more useful than one would imagine. I bought it in order to do the "I got that fire" money glitch that was circulating a few months ago, and it was a reliable blocker that allowed me to dupe Pantos and sell them. You also did a fine job with the interior on this one as well. It's definitely a great party mobile.

 

I look forward to seeing the Army Cavalcade and other vehicles you've got planned in the future.

 

From a customer and Albany lover,

Giantsgiants

[fw3]

Dear GTA:O Cluckin' Bell,

 

I see your vans driving around all the damn time, yet none of your restaurants are open, in fact, not even a rocket launcher can put a crack in the entrance doors of your restaurants.

 

I am growing very suspicious of what's going on behind those closed, everything-proof doors. I can only theorize what's really going on.

 

So here are my thoughts based on very valid evidence. You're building up an army of space chickens and you're keeping them in your restaurants, and all of your restaurants are linked together via secret underground passages which include transportation by UFOs. I think Agent 14 is also involved - he wanted us to take over Humane Labs so that your space chicken research can become more advanced with better equipment.

 

You're planning to have domination over the entire world, using space chickens to achieve this goal. Well, you can't fool me Cluckin' Bell, I've got you all figured out.

 

Watch your back,

 

alexthingy Anonymous

 

Dearest ,

 

A-frickin'-men. Might be my most favoritest reply in the thread. And, your username is awesome.

 

Cheers!

 

fw3 OP

Edited April 25, 2015 by fw3

[GR Choke]

Dear sh*tty randoms in my heists

 

f*ck off

[fw3]

Dear sh*tty randoms in my heists

 

f*ck off

 

Dear @GR Choke,

 

Can you send this to my randoms, as well.

 

<sigh>

 

fw3

[Jazzy the Dutchess]

Dear Los Santos Christian Church, Hill Valley, whatever you're called,

 

Will you please open up on Sundays in game so I can take my character to church service? Thanks!

 

Love, Jasmine

[Sky_Light12]

Dear randoms

 

am i suppouse to scream at your ear until you finally understand the plan for the heist ?

next time , think twice before you go rambo in middle of crossfire between me and enemies so you won't turn to swiss cheese

 

sincerely , experienced heist agent

Edited May 3, 2015 by Sky_Light12

[GR Choke]

Dear random hosts

 

PUT THE HEIST ON HARD AND SAVED OUTFITS

 

THANKS

 

P.S

 

f*ck you

[GR Choke]

Dear rockstar

 

Why the are you releasing the next update/dlc on a wednesday????????????????

 

f*ck you

[fw3]

Dear guy flying the helicopter during the last (failed) attempt at the Humane Labs heist,

It's darned near impossible to aim when your fly like you're in a cotton candy machine, spinning and swirling in every direction.

 

Oh, and thank you for crashing the helicopter into the water at the very end, wasting 30 minutes of everyone's time.

And yes, thank you for quitting after, so we didn't even get the chance to restart.

You're a peach, bud.

fw3

[LeakyLine]

Dear fw3

 

Don't play with randoms, fekin n00b

 

Sincerely, Dom

[Terrato137]

Dear every npc that calls my phone,

 

Get f*cked

 

Sincerely, Me.

[FourFingersOfFun]

Dear Homing Launcher

 

Go f*cking drown yourself in your tub you stupid c*nt. You're the most OP garbage bullsh*t in this game, you've made it impossible for anyone to use their helicopters they've spent millions on and you're available to f*cking anyone at any rank you cheap whore. I hope in the next update you get severely nerfed. Slut

 

Sincerely, FourFingersOfFun

[Vik]

Dear NPCs

 

When I just want to walk and enjoy the scenery of Los Santos,why do you give me a disgusting look when I pass by.Why is this?I just want to walk.Then when the stop sign turns red and im next to you....you call the cops?Really?Then a 12590 cops come up towards me because I stood next to you?Really bruh?

 

Also please stop making your faces look like this,its an eyesore:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Feck off and get rek8

 

 

Sincerely,

 

Vik

Edited June 21, 2015 by VikDarkbomb

[scalliano]

Dear Trevor,

 

You have a brass neck calling anyone "creepy".

 

Yours,

 

The Online Protagonist.

[RocknRumble]

^ This.

Gotta keep this thread going, so I got a few.

 

Dear Brainless Heists Hosts,

For the love of Lester and all that is Trevor put the damn outfit selection on PLAYER SAVED OUTFITS! I have a heavy combat outfit built specifically for heists firefights. I am less likely to die when I'm equipped with armor that's stronger than the wearable table napkins they sell at Ammunation.

 

Dear Randoms,

USE f*cklNG COVER! Seriously, if we're in the middle of a firefight against the Merryweather troops, a.k.a the Bulletsponge Brigade, it is not a wise to power walk through the gauntlet of steroid hyped nutcase with what I believe to be physics piercing rounds! For crying out loud duck behind something! Hug that damn wall like it was your mother! There is too much sh*t to hide behind for you to go and plastered with bullets 4 minutes into the damn setup.

 

Dear Ron,

Shut the hell up about Trevor Philips Industries! Every 2 minutes you're blowing up my phone about how reputable your damn firm is. It is really annoying.

 

Dear SC members,

Stop asking for mansion and the casino. They will NEVER happen! You really think Rockstar is going to waste time and effort in designing mansion interiors just so you can drink the same damn green juice and watch the same damn television? Those stupid things would operate the same way as the freaking apartments(that obviously make more sense than sharing the same damn house!). Oh, and really think the casino is the best idea for this game? 90% of you squawkers bitch about the Luxor Jet being 10 mil. If you think that sh*t will break your bank, I'm itching to see the bitching that'll ensue when you lose your cash to pair of 3's.

 

Yours Truely,

RocknRumble

[RayBanNeonColors420]

Dear insurgent morons,

 

You're not god in that thing and I dont need to waste explosives to kill you and your friends over and over. Funny you called me modder when you couldnt figure out your windows aren't bullet proof.

Loved watching my bullets tear your skull apart as you frantically threw sticky bombs driving in reverse.

 

Lol insurgent troll fail

[ARYSTKR8]

Dear NPCs

 

Please stop returning from the dead to haunt me with bounties worth more than the car I stole from you.

 

Sincerely,

 

ArystoKrat

[TheTigOlBitties]

Dear Hackers,

 

Since it has become apparent that you have reached a socially inappropriate age to still retain your virginity, may I suggest that you take a visit to the rural counties of Nevada and pay for a professional to take your cherry?

 

Sincerely,

 

An Honest Player Who Grinds For Cash.

[iTaliahR]

Dear Hydra Owners,

 

Take your jet and protect Fort Zancudo's Lazers. By doing so, not only do we have a peaceful lobby, but those who want to grief but doesn't have their own fighter jet will have to go through you. You'll be doing the community a great service by preventing the grieving of the masses all while raising you K/D.

 

Sincerely, One pissed off Resident of Los Santos named Taliah.

[Miss-RI95]

Dear Posonbys sales assistant,

I am sorry for all the times I have shot you to death, or blown you. Or maybe tear gassed you. I am also sorry for shooting all of your customers and shooting your store or blowing it up. I'm sorry for the blood I have left behind on the carpet or windows. I am deeply sorry for shooting people infront of you such as police. I am also sorry for bringing my personal business to your shop and gaining 5 star wanted levels and then kill you. I am sorry for all the damage I leave behind each trip and the bill to repair the damage.

 

 

 

However you deserve it. 35,000 for some earrings, I don't think so.

 

Yours truthfully,

Miss-RI95.

[scalliano]

Dear NPC's,

 

If you'd just driven around me while I was in the middle of a firefight with Mendoza and his crew instead of running me over, you'd be alive right now.

 

Yours,

 

scall

[Poppy Mitchell]

Dear R* Devs/Execs who thought it was a good idea to sell LS short on its real life counterpart.

 

Firstly, I understand that you are more concerned with promoting gun violence and showcasing the seedy underworld of your own interpretation of L.A than focusing your creative abilities on actually representing California in a more accurate light.

 

However, this does not give excuse for missing a huge topic: being unable to edit the GTAO protagonist's facial details. The cosmetic surgery scene has been BBBBOOMING in America in recent years, particularly the state of California yet we are restricted to the choices we made when creating our characters.

 

Furthermore, while having somewhat delivered on the culture of celebrity-enslaved media (i.e the Paparazzo missions, Fame or Shame etc.) there's still something that feels empty in terms of a real celebrity experience. I for one was disappointed that there wasn't more inclusion of reality tv shows and expected a more in-depth glance at the Hollywood lifestyle.

 

Sincerely, a disgruntled GTA celebrity role player and faithful R* customer.

P.S I hope you are engulfed by your guilt and spend eternity stewing in the burning flames of the pits of purgatory to compensate for these severe shortcomings. Edited June 21, 2015 by Poppy Mitchell

[GR Choke]

Dear Brainless Heists Hosts,

For the love of Lester and all that is Trevor put the damn outfit selection on PLAYER SAVED OUTFITS! I have a heavy combat outfit built specifically for heists firefights. I am less likely to die when I'm equipped with armor that's stronger than the wearable table napkins they sell at Ammunation.

EVERY heist/setup i join i have to message the host to change it to PSO Edited June 21, 2015 by GR Choke

[Twattir]

 

Dear R* Devs/Execs who thought it was a good idea to sell LS short on its real life counterpart.

 

Firstly, I understand that you are more concerned with promoting gun violence and showcasing the seedy underworld of your own interpretation of L.A than focusing your creative abilities on actually representing California in a more accurate light.

 

However, this does not give excuse for missing a huge topic: being unable to edit the GTAO protagonist's facial details. The cosmetic surgery scene has been BBBBOOMING in America in recent years, particularly the state of California yet we are restricted to the choices we made when creating our characters.

 

Furthermore, while having somewhat delivered on the culture of celebrity-enslaved media (i.e the Paparazzo missions, Fame or Shame etc.) there's still something that feels empty in terms of a real celebrity experience. I for one was disappointed that there wasn't more inclusion of reality tv shows and expected a more in-depth glance at the Hollywood lifestyle.

 

Sincerely, a disgruntled GTA celebrity role player and faithful R* customer.

P.S I hope you are engulfed by your guilt and spend eternity stewing in the burning flames of the pits of purgatory to compensate for these severe shortcomings.POPPY I LOVE YOU

[iTaliahR]

Dear GTA Devs

 

Your logic is somewhat terrible. In a game called Grand Theft Auto, we can't steal cars without getting a bounty. In a game with fighter jets and high caliber weaponry, we can't say "Fighter" or "Sniper" in our texts. Why is it that when I'm trying to escape, your NPCs can drive like Jimmy Neutron invented their car, but when I'm driving the same car, those old lady NPCs can literally run faster than me. Your tanks have the durability of a plastic cup. Also, who the hell did you hire to play the cops? I walk past them with my Homing Launcher, a few grenades, and an assault riffle, but just looking at them is what will cause them to intervene; not the heavy weapons. You made all of these interiors for the game, but you don't use them in Online. Not only are the majority of them are rendered, they are also solid. The game is practically open world, so how about you open up the map a little. Why work hard for nothing?

 

Sincerely, Taliah

Edited June 21, 2015 by iTaliahR

[Thalyn]

Dear lovely Taliah, RockLulZz

 

Thank you for your request and your concern, we appreciate..... sincerely RockLulZz

If you don't like bounty, don't steal cars RockLulZz or steal cars in "passive mode"... Haha, double RockLulZz... Or play to "GTA Online", it's a new gameplay, It's a "mass murderer" game. It's better to profit of the famous "GTA" franchise (this name, this franchise, and this fan base) instead of raking our brain to find a new name (with the risk to offend the fans, but we don't care... Hahaha Triple RockLulZz)

 

The words "sniper" and "Fighter" are prohibited because they are so... idk.... vulgars RockLulZz.

 

The NPCs seem to drive like Jimmy Neutron (reason: refers to a non-mature content) Juan Manuel Fangio (Reason: Non American and non Brit formula One Driver) Jenson Button, but it's not the case (or just a little... RockLulZzz), but the fact is: "Your car is the sh*t! So hot!" Double RockLulzzz.
If the old lady run faster than you, it's just because you're unskilled! RockLulZz

 

Concerning the tanks, we are shocked by your feeling. We strive to develop a game as close as possible to the reality!

Have you ever seen and played with a Playmobil Tank?

We expect then to reach an unrivaled level of realism!!

But if it doesn't suit you, you can either: Send your complaint to the "Geobra Brandstätter GmbH" company (Playmobil manufacturer) or... you can create a Mod, at the risk of being banned ... RockLulZz

 

Cops are cops, we love them or not, but for us, Cops are funny especially when they are paranoid and susceptive. As I said above, We strive to develop a game as close as possible as the reality!
You look like a terrorist! ... RockLulZzz... You know, we're looking a lot of movies (especially comedies RockLulZz), and the cops are just like that!... Deal with it with them! RockLulZz

 

Concerning the interiors, Let me quote you (and correct you):

 

1-You made all of these GREAT interiors for the game,

2-but you don't use them in Online.

3-Not only are the majority of them are rendered, they are also solid.

4-The game is practically open world, so how about you open up the map a little. Why work hard for nothing?

1-Thanks.

 

2-you means: "players" don't use them in online. Yes and we don't care, because our job is to build these models, and we got our salary (and extras), and players continue to talk about these... about OUR GREAT interiors (even if they aren't be able to enjoy them... RockLulZz).

 

3-Good to know, thanks, we're happy to hear/read this, It's quite intentionally from us, to make you believe they are "solid" and already modeled.

In fact, but don't repeat it, they aren't solid and uncollidable (could bring some stuttering and lags), and only things supposed to be visible at the first glance are very low-poly modeled. But most of interiors are in fact just pictures (on textured plan, or textured squares).

But glad to hear/read you because in the beginning, we wanted to rake our brain to make textured curved planes, to give a better impression of realism and depth (as is the case in the video-games world since 5-6 years now), but for reasons of time (yea, we haven't time enough), skills (Reason: Wrong!!), and techniques (Reason: It's not the truth!), and too lazy (Reason: Totally wrong!!), we chose to use simple flat planes as before, the good old time... RockLulZz
On other games, players are realizing quickly, and crying foul, but for GTA 5/Online, players seem happy. It's great to work at Rockstar, we can do worse than others and we are still congratulated! RockLulZz

 

4- "Hard work for nothing?"
It wasn't so hard actually RockLulzz

But yes, These are GREAT interiors (low-poly 3D models or just a flat textured plan) because we made them RockLulZz; People talk bout them, we have a miserable salary, we are treated like sh*t (and we love that) but in our Curriculum Vitae (on Twitter), there is the sentence: "Working at Rockstar [sTUDIO_NAME] for Rockstar Games on the greatest game forever ever of all the time ever called 'GTA V & GTA Online' forever" and on our official curriculum vitae, we have: "Working at Rockstar [sTUDIO_NAME] for Rockstar Games with a miserable salary, on the best-selling game in the world!"... So, if all these things are "nothing" for you, I think that you need to look the TV, politics, and biggest companies to see we are a part of the winners' clan and then, you are the loser! RockLulZz

 

To conclude, we are just ass-kissers (Reason: It's not true) We're the Heroes of the game industry!! We're the cannon fodder of Rockstar Games, because we build the canon (Fundamental Law, irrevocable law) of the video games with our hands, as Dan Houser said, We are God (=Dildo in French RockLulZz), then we're soldiers: "Do it, then we do it"... even if it's crap (anyway, the majority of customers will not see the difference RockLulZz).

 

In fact, we don't take decisions, we don't care about your wishes, you need to contact directly "Rockstar Games" RockLulZz

And don't forget: Stay tuned on the newswire! RockLulZz

 

Sincerely Mr Toeofhands, Rockstar Devs Rep.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited June 22, 2015 by Thalyn