Open Letter to [insert name]

[JC Hammer]

Dear Martin

 

I appreciate your frequent phone calls, it really is nice to now that you care, and I especially appreciate your calls while I'm fighting....

 

But, before you call next time to remind me that you have work, could you at least look out your front window and make sure I'm not standing on your drive-way with Anna, your coke, the briefcase etc.....????

 

Thx, I love you man, (in an appropriate way)

Edited April 18, 2015 by TheHammer

[paperbagdude]

Dear victim to grief.

 

If you really hate being killed over and over again, how about you actually start defending yourself instead of running around unarmed after the 4th time I've killed you, pretending we're BFFs and then moaning when I kill you the next time. You could at least leave the session, right?

 

Love, ChrilLe.

[GR Choke]

Dear Rockstar

 

f*ck You

[TeammateHelper]

Dear griefer,

 

I am in Passive Mode. I am heading to my apartment. I told you these over the mic and on text. If you could just get the f*cking hint, that would be great.

 

Signed,

TeammateAssist

[CarimboHanky]

Dear Nillx,

 

where my money at doe?

 

Sincerely,

Every That Paid For His "Sevices"

 

-----------------

 

Dear R*,

 

why you make the marksman rifle not level locked? you need to level lock that sh*t ASAP.

 

Sincerely,

High Level Owned by Low Levels.

 

------------------

 

Dear Fw3,

 

i really like your threads, lot of good, original stuff.

this one reminds me of a forum i joined back in '98

people used to be calm and polite, then came the Y2K scare

and the internet turn to sh*t.

 

keep up with the good work

 

Sincerely,

Carimbo Hanky

[Egonga]

Dear Governor of Los Santos,

 

Please send more money.

 

Yours gratefully,

Head of Los Santos Infrastructure (Lamppost and Signage Division).

[Smooth Longsack]

Dear seashark,

you f*ck me over when i accidentally pick you out of a list. You take advantage of my complacency because i bought you when i was a newb. f*ck yourself and if sell you if i could... for zero U.S. greenbacks.

[§†range]

Greetings, Cocksuckers.

 

You know who you are. You need to change your outfit for 5mins when no one in a game gives a sh*t what you look like,

 

You daft pricks that are illiterate, How did you create a user name or sign up for social club?

 

Kids, f*ck off...

 

Furthermore you low life pieces of sh*t that couldn't deliver an emp if you used UPS. f*ck yourself, I look forward to f*cking you up in free roam.

 

To my ex, I don't know if you play games or online but that smile and when I use your name is fake. I want to see my son.

 

Sincerely,

 

GO SUCK A BIG FAT DICK......

Edited April 18, 2015 by 2+2=5

[AlexMachines]

Dear Lester: SHUT THE f*ck UP ALREADY WITH YOUR AWKWARD JOKES AND COMMENTS OR ELSE IMMA PUT MY UZI UP YOUR HAIRY ASS FULL OF ZITS SIDEWAYS

[TeammateHelper]

The last one on 2+2's post is a little sad.

[fw3]

Dearest @CarimboHanky,

 

Thank you for the very kind words. I know what you mean about pre-Y2K. Different times.

This thread sat overnight and had no views and no replies. Naturally, I thought, "uhoh, it's a dud."
That swell of embarrassment at creating an eyerolling thread flowed in and I logged off the computer.

Today, I came back and there were many replies... very funny, clever, and even slightly disturbing replies.

So again, thank you for the positive, cheerful attitude you bring to every dialogue on this forum.
And also for taking the time to reward me with your thoughts that my contributions are valid.

Cheers, mate! And rock on, gamerz! GTAO is our fun!

fw3

[§†range]

Dearest @CarimboHanky,

 

Thank you for the very kind words. I know what you mean about pre-Y2K. Different times.

 

This thread sat overnight and had no views and no replies. Naturally, I thought, "uhoh, it's a dud."

That swell of embarrassment at creating an eyerolling thread flowed in and I logged off the computer.

 

Today, I came back and there were many replies... very funny, clever, and even slightly disturbing replies.

 

So again, thank you for the positive, cheerful attitude you bring to every dialogue on this forum.

And also for taking the time to reward me with your thoughts that my contributions are valid.

 

Cheers, mate! And rock on, gamerz! GTAO is our fun!

 

fw3

Greatest member of all time. Hey mods, remember this when you you lock threads.

[All Those Chickens]

 

Dear Mr Paramedic dude,

 

I am writing to applaud you for your excellent job of helping those who require immediate medical attention. You are such a noble man.

 

There have been many times when I've observed you pull up on the street where a man/women has been knocked to the ground (usually by me) and you pronounce them dead, and leave them there.

You are very caring indeed.

 

It was just the other day when I saw you helping someone else who needed your aid, you seemed so caring and patient with that one guy when you launched your right fist squarely into his face. I had to take a picture of this admirable loving action.

 

So thank you Mr Paramedic, I hope you will continue helping the hurt and injured population of Los Santos.

 

Yours sincerely,

 

The weirdo on the side of the street who watches you at work.

[fw3]

 

Dearest @CarimboHanky,

 

<truncated>

 

fw3

Greatest member of all time. Hey mods, remember this when you you lock threads.

 

LMAO !!! That just made my year (so far!)

[Trashdog2000]

Dear cockstar

 

Get off that dick and fix your sh*t servers.

 

Sincerely TrashDog

[SuperJude™]

Dear Random 4th Heist Member -

 

We waited patiently for, like, forever just for a 4th person to show up and do this Heist/Setup with us so when we saw somebody had ACCEPTED we were cautiously optimistic. When we saw the word JOINING our mood lightened greatly and when you did finally join, well, we were so happy! NOW we could finally knock out this mission, make this money, move on!

 

So I would like to thank you.

 

THANK YOU for bravely taking on that entire Convoy by yourself with a shotgun and little else, no matter how many times you died!

 

THANK YOU for gallantly alerting those Scientists over and over and over and over while we try to deliver that EMP!

 

THANK YOU always insisting on driving, no matter how poor your driving skills are or how you seem incapable of losing your wanted level!

 

THANK YOU for crashing that Hydra every time you ever fly it!

 

THANK YOU for dying right before the mission ends, for reasons nobody can understand!

 

THANK YOU for teaching us patience by never clicking READY!

[8up local]

dear iFruit,

 

why can i not just shut you off?

 

yours truly,

a sharp marble.

[*Lola]

 

 

Dear Random 4th Heist Member -

 

We waited patiently for, like, forever just for a 4th person to show up and do this Heist/Setup with us so when we saw somebody had ACCEPTED we were cautiously optimistic. When we saw the word JOINING our mood lightened greatly and when you did finally join, well, we were so happy! NOW we could finally knock out this mission, make this money, move on!

 

So I would like to thank you.

 

THANK YOU for bravely taking on that entire Convoy by yourself with a shotgun and little else, no matter how many times you died! Gamer Heroes.LOL

 

THANK YOU for gallantly alerting those Scientists over and over and over and over while we try to deliver that EMP! Did you not hear the instructions on the way to the yellow marker/

 

THANK YOU always insisting on driving, no matter how poor your driving skills are or how you seem incapable of losing your wanted level! Or riding your bicycle to the heist and making us wait for you, so the heist can start.

 

THANK YOU for crashing that Hydra every time you ever fly it! And if someone else gets in the Hydra, you throw a tantrum and fail the heist on purpose because you didn't get to fly it.

 

THANK YOU for dying right before the mission ends, for reasons nobody can understand! Even you don't get how stupid you really are.

 

THANK YOU for teaching us patience by never clicking READY! Must you always try on everything from the heist menu before clicking ready?

[shorepoint]

dear germoney user of gta fourm:

 

gib monies

 

-polska

[Bxx]

Dear cashier at gas stations,

 

Please stop being so hostile to me,

I'm just trying to grab my snacks and leave,

I won't rob your store or anything,

but if you keep acting like a bitch I'll put a bullet in your head

 

Signed,

Me.

[gear999]

deer rukstur

pls mak rooftep rumbel grindable again pls

signed by meh

[Guest]

Dear Meat

 

Get a life.

 

Love

 

-The sauce

[CaptainMental]

Hi Gerald,

 

CaptainMental here.I have delivered enough coke to your doorstep to even last Pablo Escobars enterprise a lifetime. The reason why you haven't heard from me in a long time is because I dont need your crummy handouts anymore. I now have three upscale apartments in Vinewood, a fleet of helicopters and planes and three stacked garages with the most rare and expensive cars available in whole of San Andreas, adding to that I also have a few million dollars in my bank account and I have a mechanic employed around the clock.

 

I no longer work for peanuts and I wont take your calls anymore. I have moved on, I suggest you do the same and stop bothering me.

 

 

CaptainMental

 

Ps. I talk as much as I well please about you, I'm not afraid of you. At all. Youre one lonely guy and I'm a part of a crew of 700 trigger happy lunatics armed to the teeth.

Edited April 19, 2015 by CaptainMental

[JokerSmokerToker]

Dear "Harmless Person",

 

I would greatly appreciate it if you would actually participate in this contact mission that i have allowed you to join. I knew i shouldve kicked you at the launch screen, i had a gut feeling but i gave you a chance. Now there are only two of us left in the mission lobby and i would love to kick you out so you dont get paid from me doing all the work.

 

Sincerely,

Person who doesnt understand why people are too lazy to actually play the game...

 

 

 

p.s. is it really that hard to use your fingers to play a game?

[Ms.AirSuperiority]

Dear Pegasus

 

If I want you to recover my vehicle, I will call.

Otherwise, don't touch it!

I like having an escape plane parked at Mirror Park, in the LS River, or at the golf course.

I don't appreciate running from my totally legal, legitimate downtown business, only to get a text that you hauled my antique seaplane,VTOL Fighter, C-130, etc.. away.

 

Sincerely

Your best customer

[Whisky Tango Foxtrot]

Dear Pegasus

 

WHY THE f*ck DO I HAVE NO f*ckING OPTIONS FOR f*ckING DESPAWNING LAND VEHICLES YOU f*ckING STUPID MONGOLOID c*ntS.

 

I DIDNT WANT TO CHOOSE THE MULE.

 

 

Sincerely, Whisky

Edited April 18, 2015 by Whisky Tango Foxtrot

[MagicNarcosis]

Man...

 

Dear Billionaire Era,

If you could just re-assert yourself to our universe for several + days so we can rebelliously acquire hot commodity items,

that would be great.

 

R* has kinda put the ticket price on a lot of things well beyond and past the logistical reach we settled for, out of hype and excitement over one of the most anticipated additions to GTA in history. We got kinda caught up in the hype and.. we (kinda) let that sh*t go. But when the enchantment of it all wore off, 200 bucks a call after spending 3 mil on a plane to fly it is all of the sudden f*cking redundant again.

We just wanna ball til' we fawll. And not go broke doing it.

Least give me a better way to spend my money on tits, o something.

 

Sincerely,

A Billionaire era Advocate.

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Mechanic,

You can come back, I won't shoot you, I swear to God.

 

Sincerely,

Your very very bored, boss.

 

 

 

Dear Sentinel Guy,

I know you been hidin' ever since you last caught me slippin around 1.16 update commin' off a job, like a lil' ass BITCH. IT TAKES A BIG MAN to hide after you just, crush my sh*t.

If I can get up after I see you on the street, I swear you won't come back til the mechanic does, and I swear to God I'll shoot you both on the spot.

 

Sincerely,

Da Boss Young Crazy Legs.

 

 

 

Dear Green Juice.

Please just be alcohol. We get it, you wanted to be different but if you think it about it, we don't have vodka? And that's very different from whiskey, wine and beer?

 

Sincerely,

a virtual drink connoisseur.

 

 

 

 

Dear R*

Now you know us "Current Gen" users was gonna want all that new fancy sh*t you just gave up to PC, you know that ain't right! f*ck your limitations talk, we wanna make movies and f*ck with our own radio stations, too? Damn. it's not like we're asking for full structural modding abilities.?

But this direct to youtube sh*t is pointless if it ain't sh*t but a replay, every time.

Some of us live for the cinematics!?

 

Sincerely,

Console "peasant"

Edited April 18, 2015 by MagicNarcosis

[Kohr-Ah]

Dear mission hosts who forget about the closed option,

F*ck you. F*ck you f*ck you f*ck you f*ck you. You ruined my mission stream.

Sincerely, THAT GUY YOU KICKED, ASSHOLE

[Furtive Pygmy]

Dear LSPD Officers

 

Thank you for crashing into my car, blaming me for the accident, and opening fire on me due to your own stupidity.

 

Sincerely, everyone.

 

 

Dear incompetent helicopter pilots

 

Thank you for botching my heists because you can't grasp the concept of completing very simple tasks.

 

Sincerely, Wolf of Velka

 

 

Dear Ammunation clerks

 

You the real MVP, keep it up.

 

Sincerely, everyone.

[saintsrow]

 

An open letter to the beautiful, long-exploited hookers of Los Santos:

 

It's been long known that the hookers in Los Santos are terribly exploited, not only as a result of their chosen profession, but due to the longstanding and reprehensible tradition, wherein some customers choose to mercilessly, cruelly kill their girl after she has performed exemplary services for them. These errant customers do this just for pocket change, if not out of pure meanness. This terrible tradition began in Liberty City and was continued in Vice City and Los Santos. There is no excuse for this senseless, unjust violence, but there is no stopping it now.

 

Last year, as you know, this horrible custom took an even worse turn for a short time, as millions of customers found out that a dead hooker in the passenger seat of their Adder could be further exploited to catapult them from their thug life into the financial 1% of San Andreas. Never was being a hooker in Los Santos so dangerous. A girl would enter a high end car, expecting an honest transaction, and before she even had time to say, "Honey, let's go somewhere quiet..." she was showered with a full clip of Uzi bullets through the windshield. This was a dark time in Los Santos, girls, as you well know. The warning went out to the girls on the street, "Don't get in an Adder!" but alas, it was too little, too late.

 

I have to confess, I was one of those accursed faux johns, who saw my path to riches through the death of the beautiful street girls who only hoped to please me for an evening. But in my defense, this was no pocket change - this was big business, bigger than crime, bigger than racing, bigger than delivering cars to Simeon for a pittance. Please believe me, it was just business. Nothing personal. If I could have helped these girls out, I would have. But they were worth much more to me dead than alive.

 

But ever since that dark time, as I revel in my riches, kicking back in my high end apartments and prowling in my blinged-out supercars, I have had such feelings of guilt and regret. So now, I want to give back to the street girls of Los Santos. I want to try, in some small way, to make amends for the lives I have taken. So I have decided to return $2,000,000 of my good fortune to you, my beautiful ladies, as a small token of remuneration for the suffering of your street sisters. This is a sacrifice I am willing to make. So, starting today, I intend to drive the streets of Los Santos every night, week after week, month after month, redistributing my wealth in the form of $50 blowjobs from you all, until I have returned $2M to you, the beautiful and wonderful street girls of Los Santos. Don't thank me; it's the least I can do.

 

Sincerely,

A reformed dead hooker glitcher, now a generous, progressive friend of the working girl

Edited April 19, 2015 by saintsrow