Open Letter to [insert name]

[fw3]

This is a thread intended for sarcasm, humor, and just for fun.

It's an opportunity to write an open letter to, well, anyone related to GTAO.
A character in the game, a vehicle, weapon, other players, your mom... doesn't matter, as long as it's GTAO related.

 

My first is below:

Dear Mechanic aka Johnny Onthespot,

I just want to tell you how much I appreciate it when I call in for my car, and while waiting I get killed by someone, and my car never shows up.
Then, when I call you back, you tell me I have to wait three minutes for another request.

 

Thanks man, you're the best.
fw3

------------

Dear Officer Manlyman of the LSPD,

It was very considerate of you to run me down like a rabid chipmunk today, then, get out of your car and shoot me dead.
It's comforting to know the virtual city's finest are hard at work murdering players for simply running across the street.

Yours truly,

fw3

 

 

Feel free to contribute any time. We could all use a good chuckle 'round here! Cheers!

Edited April 18, 2015 by fw3

[TheGoodSgtScooter]

Dear EMP.

 

I am sorry that I was rammed by the B.C.P.D, and subsequently had my limp body thrown into you, and while on the brink of death, I am happy that you got some extra practice on my body, which you proceeded to curb stomp angrily. I do not know why you needed more practice on dead bodies, but I am sure my lifeless, battered, broken, crushed corpse will aid your medical career to the fullest degree.

 

Sincerely, the mayor of Paleto Bay.

Edited April 18, 2015 by TheGoodSgtScooter

[Dottie]

Dear train:

 

Why it so damn hard to follow you

 

P.S. Wrong game

[LeakyLine]

Dear Scooter:

 

You suck

 

Sincerely, Dom

 

jk you're doing a good job running our beautiful town

[Arctic Midnight]

Eh, why not? I'll jump in too.

 

Dear spawning system,

 

Why is it you never spawn the damn vehicle I'm looking for when I want it but spawn 1000s of them when I'm not?

[G o d]

Dear LSPD

 

why do i get 40932 cop cars on me when i accidentally bump into 1 cop car?

[Lord DC]

Dear Pegasus,

 

Why won't you place Hydras at Helipads?

 

Also, why dont you just have a pilot deliver our helos.

[Troye]

Dear Bruice,

 

You are f*cking useless

Signed, Everyone

[LeakyLine]

Dear Pegash*t:

 

F*ck you

 

Signed, F*CK YOU!

[*Lola]

Dear Mic Users,

 

Please STFU.

 

 

Sincerely, not your friend, *Lola. LOL

Edited April 18, 2015 by *Lola

[E•MO•TION]

Dear Bullshark Testosterone

 

Thank you for the funny balls.

 

Sincerely,

 

2281

[LeakyLine]

Dear fw3

 

You suck too

 

Sincerely, who gives a f*ck, go have some tea

[Lord DC]

Dear turbulence:

 

Stop hitting the hydra right as I'm about to nail a stunt

 

 

 

Signed, Lord DC

 

P.S. Pegasus still sucks

[Murciélago]

Dear Graveyard,

 

Why don't you spawn hearses more?

 

Sincerely,

 

D-bag Kiff

[WavyWeazel]

Dear Fufu,

 

 

We had a fun time at the Vanilla Unicorn and you gave me your number. Then I called you up to come over to my place. You stood in one place, became annoyed when I wouldn't sit down, then left. Good times.

 

But recently I was invited to another player's apartment and found that you were there, giving dances to them! I thought what we had was special!

 

WHY FUFU? WHY?!

 

 

Sincerely,

a broken-hearted Weazur

Edited April 19, 2015 by Weazur

[Sky_Light12]

Dear Squeaker

if you would keep honking near my apartent with chrome adder and chrome dollar rims , i would reduce that adder to smithereens with my noob tube

 

pssst : also if you screaming on mic , i would blast you into oblivion with my tank

 

Sincerely , Insane Troll

Edited April 18, 2015 by Sky_Light12

[E•MO•TION]

Dear Squeaker

if you would keep honking near my apartent with chrome adder and chrome dollar rims , i would reduce that adder to smithereens with my noob tube

 

pssst : also if you screaming on mic , i would blast you into oblivion with my tank

 

Sincerely , Insane Troll

Dear Skylight,

 

Please change your font color.

 

Sincerely,

 

2281

 

[Lord DC]

Dear Savage Helicopter,

 

Don't know if you can read, but uh, CAN YOU NOT FALL APART AFTER 1 CLIP OF RIFLE FIRE?

 

SAME GOES FOR YOU, VALKYRIE!

 

Signed, DC

[Murciélago]

Dear Rockstar,

 

F*ck you.

 

Signed,

Kiffy

Edited April 18, 2015 by KifflomBroBro

[LeakyLine]

Dear April 25th,

 

Please come faster, i'd like my Xbox One.

 

Love, Dom.

[Sky_Light12]

 

Dear Squeaker

if you would keep honking near my apartent with chrome adder and chrome dollar rims , i would reduce that adder to smithereens with my noob tube

 

pssst : also if you screaming on mic , i would blast you into oblivion with my tank

 

Sincerely , Insane Troll

Dear Skylight,

 

Please change your font color.

 

Sincerely,

 

2281

 

 

Dear 2281

i can't help it , because i'm insane

 

sincerely , Insane Troll

 

additional

 

Dear C*

Fix the godamn prison break " glitch "

at least just alter the script by having players lose the cops before entering the plane

 

sincerely , Sky_Light12

 

Edited April 18, 2015 by Sky_Light12

[CrysisAverted]

Dear Rockstar

 

Why is it that the hearse is never seen driving around the streets of LS online?

Why is it after I go and kill off hundreds of cops and noose there is no convoy of police cruisers around a hearse?

Would the game break if a casket inside a car spawned more often?

I mean any more than it already is...

 

Sincerely,

some asshole who got fooled twice

[EKGene]

To the Mendoza Family:

Please forgive me, as I regret not writing to you sooner. The post-traumatic stress I endured from what has now been officially designated as the “Rooftop Incident,” which still baffles, as the incident clearly took place at the parking structure on [redacted], had nearly incapacitated me, being the sole surviving witness to the horror.

As you may already know, we were assigned to protective duty on that fateful day, something your son and the rest of the team did regularly for [redacted]. I remember standing there thinking how beautiful Los Santos can be at that time of day, when there was a thunderous explosion, followed by a hailstorm of gunfire emanating from what I can only describe as a “silver dragon.”

Moments later, as I was running behind some vehicles to take cover, I heard those words… the words that haunt me to this day:

“Mendoza’s hit! Mendoza’s been [expletive] hit!”

I looked over, only to see the P’s & Q’s your son had purchased earlier to snack on, lying in a pool of his blood.

I don’t know which cruel god left this one to tell the tale, but I would have gladly welcomed death that day.

It used to be that I would relive the atrocity every waking moment, but it has subsided a bit. If therapy has done anything, it has shown me that there are indeed other things in this life to appreciate.

I write this selfishly, as my therapist believes that sharing moments of that day will facilitate in my recovery. And, though this won’t bring your son back, you should know that he died doing what he loved: smoking Redwoods while loitering.

 

Sincerely,

[Name Witheld]

[crack1king]

Dear Smoke on the Water

Pass the blunt nigga

Love crack

[TeammateHelper]

Dear Senior Board Member of Benefactor,

 

Screw you.

 

Signed,

Robert McGavin

CEO, Obey Manufacturing

[Commander S]

Dear You/Me,

Please stop posting needless letters of complaint (including this one) to my/your address - it's costing you/me (us - ?) a small fortune in stamps at the moment, which (ironically) you/I even had the audacity to include in your/my most recent missive.

If this continues, I/you will have no alternative but to take legal action. Consider your/myself duly forewarned.

 

Cordial regards,

Me/You

Edited April 18, 2015 by Commander S

[DominusTaranis]

Dear Rockstar,

 

Stop being such a cocktease.

 

Sincerely,

Dominus.

[luisniko]

Dear Rockstar,

 

please f*cking fix the goddamn Wanted Level bug which has been screwing around for almost a year and especially on the Prison Break final. Or at least let us f*cking re-enter the goddamn plane.

 

Stop being busy fixing things that's not broken.

 

Sincerely,

 

LuisNiko

Edited April 18, 2015 by luisniko

[Coleco]

Dear Everyone In Freeroam,

 

Would it kill you to join a couple of activities once in a while?

 

Sincerely,

 

Empty Lobbies

[Pegger420]

Dear Randoms,

 

Hold the select button down, go to inventory, armor and put that sh*t on...

 

Thank you