One Way Ticket

[GentlemanSquid]

I had never flown before this, I looked out the window and saw the city being swallowed by clouds. It was beautiful yet frightening. My hands were sweaty and my leg trembling, I just wanted to scream. It wasn't because it was my first flight, it was the men waving their guns.

 

Just a little bit of flash fiction. C&C would be great.

[Ziggy455]

I had never flown before this, I looked out the window and saw the city being swallowed by clouds. It was beautiful yet frightening. My hands were sweaty and my leg trembling, I just wanted to scream. It wasn't because it was my first flight, it was the men waving their guns.

 

Just a little bit of flash fiction. C&C would be great.

 

Your use of commas could just be cut down to full stops as they're independent sentences. Such as "I had never flown before this. I looked out the window and saw the city being swallowed by clouds." The same can be said with "My hands were sweaty and my leg(s) were trembling. I just wanted to scream.

 

I liked it, it set up a little shocker for the end but raises questions here, obviously with its shortness. Who is the narrator? How low is this plane for him to be able to identify weapons? Why is there an army waiting for him? The problem with such short flash fiction is that although it captivates and sets the tone of a character to be shown, it leaves much to be desired.

[Mokrie Dela]

You have to be really efficient to do things this short well, and I've not seen any writers that that level.

 

In not a fan of things this short. I have never felt they could build and release tension and suspence. This piece, while raises intrigue (but only moderate), did not do that. There isn't enough depth for me personally, and I would rather see it vastly expanded