Grand Theft Auto - "Justice"

[GTSabreFan]

" When Maurice Vinci is sent onto a job under the FIB, he finds himself in a position where he struggles to face all his different needs and vices. His best friend and other fellow Agents. Love interests that he thought weren't in his life, criminals and underworld figures that threaten his well being and sanity"

 

 

 

An idea I had, I may expand upon it and add more chapters if I see it deem fit, criticism appreciated.

 

 

Prologue

 

Monday, July 12nd 2014

3:32 AM

Palmer-Taylor Power Station

 

I and Pablo moved into the power station parking lot, in a Burrito. We saw right in front of us two Grangers. I grabbed my FIB ID out and so did Pablo as we got out of the Burrito. “Agent Maurice Vinci and Pablo Escobar, my finest f*cking UC’s out there” exclaimed Norton, Dave Norton as he looked to the duo. “The van has the evidence I presume right?” stated Norton. “Yea’ boss, everything you stated on the memo” Pablo said. Two well suited men got out of the Granger, while another two from the other Granger moved beside Norton. The agents looked inside of the Granger. One of them nodded to Norton. “Sorry about that, your clean” stated Norton. An agent handed me a file. “Your new big assignment, an sophisticated arms and drug running group involving a lot of old friends of ours” Dave began as the duo looked into the beefy file. Most of the agents in black suits went back into the Grangers and the Burrito was driven away, however two of the agents still remained side with Norton. “Trevor Phillips. Franklin Clinton, Lamar Davis, the remainder of the Traid Organization, and several of other factions” stated Norton. I spoke out then as I closed the file “What’s our reward?” I asked. “Big check, promotion and you’ll be set.. However this assignment is longer than you think it is-“David started to say before Pablo cut him off. “We’ll take it.” Stated Pablo. Norton looked at me and Pablo before letting out a smile. He pointed towards a 9F in a Blue Color parked near to the Power Station. An agent gave me and Pablo a slip of paper for our new safe house, while some keys as well “You guys got new associates as well, they’ll be at the safehouse by 2pm today, so don’t sleep in” Norton said, smiling as he went back into his Granger with the agents. While we walked to the 9F. “You f*cking without us thinking about it accepted it?” I enquired, shaking my head. “Na listen, I’d rather be on the streets in this assignment rather than shuffling papers.” he stated to me. “f*cking, look ima’ f*cking just drop you off at your crib in Moring wood before I go back to Del Perro for mine, we should regroup I guess before coming back to the safe house alright?” I told Pablo. “Yea, I’m fine.. let’s bounce?” Pablo replied with, as we in a matter of moments departed the Power Station.

Edited March 16, 2015 by GTSabreFan

[Mokrie Dela]

" When Maurice Vinci is sent onto a job under the FIB, he finds himself in a position where he struggles to face all his different needs and vices. His best friend and other fellow Agents. Love interests that he thought weren't in his life, criminals and underworld figures that threaten his well being and sanity"

 

 

 

An idea I had, I may expand upon it and add more chapters if I see it deem fit, criticism appreciated.

 

 

Prologue

 

Monday, July 12nd 2014

3:32 AM

Palmer-Taylor Power Station

 

I and Pablo moved into the power station parking lot, in a Burrito. We saw right in front of us two Grangers. I grabbed my FIB ID out and so did Pablo as we got out of the Burrito. The first sentence of any story is really important. It has to grab the reader, and tell them enough, while setting the pace. As far as intros go, I don't feel this one's particularly strong. It's essentially a list. I like that you've et the perspective in Vinci's eyes from the off, but i find the sentence lacking. It didn't grab me, to be honest. If i was writing this, I'd think about the interior of the Burrito. Had they been on a stakeout? Had they just picked it up? I'd then consider dropping some details pertaining to that, whether subtle or obvious.

 

Assuming they'd been on a stakeout:

 

The smell of stale noodles filled my nostrils. Every few minutes a more pungent waft crossed my face, spurred by the warmth of the engine from the soggy cardboard box on the dashboard.

"Up here, man," my partner - Pablo Escobar - said, chiselling at his teeth with a toothpick. He pointed at the gates to the power station parking lot. I guided the Burrito through the gate and pulled up neatly in one of the many empty parking spots.

 

There's a lot more detail in there. It'd be easier for the reader to put themselves in the scene than just saying "I drove into the parking lot." If the reader's immersed in the scene quickly, then you'll have less to do to keep them there.

 

“Agent Maurice Vinci and Pablo Escobar, my finest f*cking UC’s out there” exclaimed Norton, Dave Norton as he looked to the duo.

 

I didn't like this, to be honest. Firstly, if the character is familiar with the new guy, then I'd name him quicker.

 

"Here's Dave," I said to Pablo.

"f*cking prick," Pablo snorted. "Guy pisses me off. What's he done that's so special?"

"Apart from that bust of the century?"

"Apart from that. Literally nothing. Guy got lucky, and has been riding that victory since. If it weren't for that, he'd be strung out by now."

 

Writing that, I put more character into the two guys. A little bit of conflict, animosity, and familiarity. Not saying you have to write any of that, but hopefully the example will help you see what I mean.

 

The second bit i don't like is refering to them as "the duo". It sounds too impersonal. Like the narrator is another person (and the narrator is another character). You've already established the narrator to be Vinci himself, first person, but this all of a sudden isn't fitting. Would vinci refer to himself and his mate as "the duo"? Unless it's done ironically, which I don't feel this isn't.

Dave refers to Vinci and Escobar too impersonally, too. Like he's saying it for the reader's benifit.

 

"Agent Vinci, Agent Escobar," Dave said as he looked at us, his voice turning sour on mentioning Pablo's name.

 

I'd go for something like that. repeating Dave's name like you did didn't work for me. Like "Bond, James bond." it felt wrong imo.

 

“The van has the evidence I presume right?” stated Norton. [Don't use stated here; stated means to state a fact, when he's clearly asking a question. You don't even need to say anything. If you'd established that Dave had spoken, and no one else had since, just continue the speech. The dynamic of leader/subordinate would be apparent(example as footnote)*]

 

Remember: a new line for every new speaker.

“Yea’ boss, everything you stated on the memo” Pablo said.

First, there's little reason to abbreviate the H in Yeah, here. It won't change the sound of the word, so leave it spelt normally. Yeah is an informal word anyway, so that will still be conveyed. Second, when speech ends with "he said", a comma should be between the end of the speech and the description.

"Yeah, boss, everything you stated on the memo," Pablo said.

Think of it as the same sentence. If you remove the ""s and say it aloud and it'll feel wrong. It need that break in there, and a full stop won't work as it's not seperate sentences.

"Yeah, boss, everything you stated on the memo." Pablo handed Dave a scrap of paper.

There, there is no expansion of "he said" so the sentence with speech ends with a full stop.

 

Two well-suited men got out of the Granger, while another two from the other Granger moved beside Norton.There is a risk of confusion here. It's like you're adding more information on top of other information. Also consider how formal you want to refer to Dave. If the character and narrator are familiar with him, I'd use Dave. Use Norton if you want - but consider the implication of using the surname.

 

The doors of the Grangers opened and from each stepped a pair of well-suited men. Two moved beside Dave, standing there like bodyguards. I notice Pablo's temple throb slightly. I look at him, telling him without words to keep cool.

 

Here I'm building on the animosity between Dave and Pablo (entirely my creation, but it's adding character. Just an example).

 

The agents looked inside of the Granger. One of them nodded to Norton. “Sorry about that, your clean” stated Norton. An agent handed me a file.

Okay, things are getting confusing now. The agents looked inside of the Granger. Which agents. Why would the new suited men look inside of the vehicles they just exited. Do you mean "Burrito"? did the other two suited men check out the van Vinci's sitting in? Again, perspective has failed the story here. The narrator feels like a third person now, and not Vinci as you'd previously established it to be, Then, there's sudden speech and we're back to first person. That needs to be fixed.

 

The two remaining agents peering into the Burrito, one through my window, one through Pablos. Pablo looked up, his eyes issuing a challenge to the agent which was not answered, much to my releif. I sat patiently while they finished their browse and nodded to Dave

"Sorry about that," Dave said. "You're clean." He stepped forward, a file in hand and passed it through my window.

 

 

 

“Your new big assignment, an sophisticated arms and drug running group involving a lot of old friends of ours” Dave began as the duo looked into the beefy file.

Dave began - saying this, you need to put that as early as you can. Also "the duo" again. The perspective really needs fixing (I have a guide on the main WD board that can help). Also, if you're describing the file, do so as soon as we see it otherwise the reader will be changing their mental image, which you don't want.

 

"Your big new assignment," Dave began as I opened the file. "A sophisticated arms and drug running group involving a lot of old friends of ours."

 

Most of the agents in black suits went back into the Grangers and the Burrito was driven away, however two of the agents still remained side with Norton. Very messy. Maybe I'm losing it but I don't remember Vini and Escobar getting out of the Burrito. Make sure you state that they do (or rather, show them getting out).

"Most of the agents" - but 2 remain. That's half, isn't it? Again, there's change of information - you now say black suits, whereas previously you said simply "suits" - give us all the information when we'd see it, or leave us to make up our mind. I wouln't mention the suit colour at all tbh.

"remained side with Norton" - that doesn't make sense, either.

 

 

“Trevor Phillips. Franklin Clinton, Lamar Davis, the remainder of the Traid Organization, and several of other factions” stated Norton. I spoke out then as I closed the file “What’s our reward?” I asked. A bit too much going on here. Break it up a bit. Also, if Dave's listing these people, give him a reason to do so; a breif description is generally what we see in cop shows.

 

"Trevor Phillips, small time ciminal entrepeneur, which is an aspirational title, to say the least; Franklin Clinto and Lamar Davis, affiliated with Grove Street families - hoods, basically, though Clinton's living well beyond his means up in the hills; the remainder of the local branch of the Chinese Triad organization - law enforcement agencies have been trying and failing for years to get their teeth into those guys; and several other factions." I passed the first page over to Pablo once I'd scanned it, then did the same with the next.

"What's our reward?" I asked.

 

Now If vinci works for Dave, why is he asking that? I don't start my shift at work asking "Am I being paid today?" Is there something illegitimate going on here? If so, that needs to be hinted at.

 

 

“Big check, promotion and you’ll be set..[no need for elipses here] However this assignment is longer than you think it is-“David started to say before Pablo cut him off. “We’ll take it.” Stated Pablo.

The thing about interuptions is to do them as quick as possible and with few words. Be sure to use an em-dash ( – ) instead of hyphen ( -) - it's slightly longer an most word processors will autocorrect it.

 

"However this assignment is longer than you think it is–"

"We'll take it," Pablo interupted. I shot a bullet of a glance at my partner. Will we now?

Also, as this is from Vinci's perspective (presumabley), I'd be inclined to show his reaction here, as I have included. (internal thoughts of the character are usually shown as italics and behave similar to speech, but without the ""s.)

 

Norton looked at me and Pablo before letting out a smile. He pointed towards a 9F in a Blue Color parked near to the Power Station.

Firstly, "blue colour" doesn't work. Just say blue, or better yet, Royal blue, bright blue, pale blue, or something. Secondly, We would - should - have seen this when we entered the parking lot, when we saw the Grangers. As I said, try not to add details randomly, especially something as big as this. Show us it when the character would have seen it; how could he have missed the blue sports car?

 

An agent gave me and Pablo a slip of paper for our new safe house, while some keys as well. “You guys got new associates as well, they’ll be at the safehouse by 2pm today, so don’t sleep in” Norton said, smiling as he went back into his Granger with the agents.

"while some keys as well," doesn't work. with would but i'd rearrange this sentence personally. I'd use a fullstop or maybe even semi colon between "associates as well" and "they'll be at the safehouse"

I'd also say "Norton said, smiling before heading back to the Granger, chuckling to himself. The Agents followed." at the end.

 

While we walked to the 9F. “You f*cking without us thinking about it accepted it?” I enquired, shaking my head.

First sentence is really out of place and not well constructed. The speech is terrible, too. And there's aggression here; "enquired" doesn't work.

 

As we walked toward the 9F, I turned to Pablo.

"What the f*ck's that about? Accepting it without thinking or even discussing it with me?" I shook my head.

 

“Na listen, I’d rather be on the streets in this assignment rather [superflorous, repeated word. Axe it] than shuffling papers.” he stated to me. Also this isn't needed. We know who's talking and we don't need any expansion.

NEW LINE! “f*cking, look ima’ f*cking just drop you off at your crib in Moring wood before I go back to Del Perro for mine, we should regroup I guess before coming back to the safe house alright?” I told Pablo.

Not great speech. Limit the phonetic spelling. Too much can halt the reader and kill the pacing.

"f*cking..." I sighed in frustration and got a handle on my temper. "Look, I'm-a just drop you off at your crib in Morningwood and I'm going back to mine. We should regroup, I guess, before going to the safehouse, alright?"

Again, no need for "i told" as we know who's speaking; it doesn't add anything. I axed the signposting of where his crib is, because it didn't feel right. That's not how people who know eachother talk. You can show the reader where Vinci lives later.

 

“Yea, I’m fine.. let’s bounce?” Pablo replied with, as we in a matter of moments Remember to keep sentences as short as you can - don't make them longer than they need to me. This whole sentence can be condensed. departed the Power Station.

 

*

 

"Agent Vinci, Agent Escobar," Dave said as he looked at us, his voice turning sour on mentioning Pablo's name. “The van has the evidence I presume?”

“Yeah, boss. Everything you stated on the memo,” Pablo said.

 

 

Nice short thing for me to go into, so I tried to go as deep as i can.

 

A few problems, but major ones.

 

1) Perspective. Think about who's telling the story. Vinci? A third person, unnamed narrator? Make sure the narration is consistent. If Vinci, the "camera" is in his head. The reader will be privvy to his thoughts, and what he sees. This works on two levels - first, everything Vinci knows and sees, the reader will**. Secondly, anything Vinci himself won't/can't see, nor will the reader. One the Grangers and Burrito drive off, you correctly left them. You didn't show the reader them driving out of sight to a garage or whatever, as Vinci and thus the reader wouldn't see that.

 

2) spelling and punctuation. Not too bad, to be fair. A few missing commas, apostrophes etc, but nothing too bad - but it does add up. Try to keep ontop of these. Writing character's speech phonetically is something to be done in small parts, and make sure it's still written properly. It looks better and is easier to read. "Na, yo ben stoopid homy." is terrible and will fatigue the reader whereas "Nah, you're bein' stupid, homie." looks neater, is easier to read and isn't too much for the reader to adjust to at once.

 

In terms of plot, it's a nice simply set up. Nothing happening so the scene cries out for conflict, and you gave us some only at the end. In my examples i created a sort of disllike for Dave from Pablo. Just adds a little bit of tension and character. As said, you don't have to copy that but hopefully you'll see what I'm saying

 

 

3) editing. This looks to me like it was typed straight into the forums "reply" box. Write in a word processor (if you choose), but critically, proof read it, and edit it. Most of the small errors in this could/would/should have been caught by a simpe read through. Again, my guide has some advice on that, so check it out. Be patient. Put more details into it, help immerse the reader to it.

 

Got potential to be a nice little FF, so keep it up man, but don't rush. Make it as best as it can be.

 

 

**There is a thing called "unreliable narrator" where, if the story's told to the reader by Vinci, he can hold certain things back, lie to us, if you like. It can be difficult to do, at least to do right, but it exists and is something that is worth considering or at least being aware of.

[fawk_faber]

Pablo and I, not I and Pablo, after all its pretty good

Some minor grammar issues.