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Wars never change.


Recommended Posts

Bombs fall,

People crawl,

Shots are fired,

Men are hired,

Panic spreads,

Over people’s heads,

Rivers dry,

Rumors fly,

Friendships fade,

Enemies are made,

Epidemics rage through,

Doctors have no clue,

Depressions seep,

People weep,

Governments rage,

Wars never change.

Edited by Ducard
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Mokrie Dela

Nice and sharp, but I think you're falling into the same hole that I always do: trying too hard to rhyme, too rigidly sticking to structure. The result - to me - is a list of statements, facts, where I find myself wishing you elaborated on some of them, paint some more in depth imagery. Break from the "beat" if you have to, or change it up. There just feels as though there's very little emotion or anything behind it. But despite that, I enjoyed it. Reminded me of a rap song I wrote once, and In my head i did kind of "rap" it, and I did like that fast pace tbh

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That's actually what I was aiming for ha ha. I wanted it to rhyme really well, I actually cut out some lines because I felt that they didn't fit well. Still, it has a nice flow to it (IMO) and that's a start and that's what my previous poems used to lack.

Edited by Ducard
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Mokrie Dela

Yeah, like i said, it flowed like a [good] rap song. Last poem I wrote, i spent months on, and I want to upload it, but I won't until I can get it legally protected (it means more to me than everything I've ever wrote put together). I need to copyright it, even if it's expensive.

 

I digress, but my point is, I think the ones you spend lots of time on, end up being a better quality. Not saying this is rushed, or poor, because it's not, but you know, with more time, you will probably find a way to put more into it while keeping the snappiness and the flow. Keep it up, my man. I do enjoy reading poetry, especially the plethora of things I've seen here lately. I love it XD

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