Something I wrote to get rid off my Writers' Block.

[Ducard]

I've been having a writers' block for the past year now. My writing is extremely choppy and I've been writing short stories in the GTA IV Chain Story thread to try to get rid off. This is probably the first piece I've written in WD since over a year I reckon. I used to be active on here back when I was "Master of San Andreas/AceKingston/Vercetti42".

 

It's quite short, so don't expect a huge wall of text. Apologies if my writing is a bit choppy, I tried my best.

 

---

 

Life simply has no meaning.

 

He was seated on the bench in the park. It was night and dark. The park in which he was was deserted and quiet. The only one sounds one could hear were the rustling of the trees and howl of the chill wind.

 

Yet, he was there. Alone and friendless, contemplating the meaning of life. He had an empty beer bottle in hand and his face wore a look of utter disarray. His clothes were ragged and torn. One of his eyes was bloodshot red, He had several cut marks all over his body. He looked like a man with all hope gone.

 

Life was never a bed of roses for him. His father had fought in the war and died in the war. His mother was kidnapped and shot. He had no brothers or sisters. He found some work at a factory as a child but quit it as he was being bullied by other factory workers. He was 20 now and he could not possibly see how he could turn his life around.

 

"If there is a God" he said his voice hoarse. "He will have to beg for my forgiveness."

 

He stood up and started to walk, his walk was wobbly and not straight. He was only 20 but he looked and walked like a 60 year old man.

 

During his walk, he picked up a garbage bag without really noticing, perhaps he could find some food in there.

 

But to eat the food, he had to be alive first.

 

The crazy thought overtook him, the crazy thought of death. If he killed himself, he could end his miserable life. Why hadn't he thought of this before? He didn't need to starve every day of the week, he could end it now.

 

During his wanderings over the city, he had read about suicides in the newspapers. They usually did it with a rope, yeah that would explain it. But he had no idea on how he could hang himself, maybe he could stab himself using a knife...

 

He staggered out of the park, rain started pouring down on him. Tears fell from his face that mingled with the raindrops. He thought of his father and mother, he used to see little, happy children in the park with their parents. He had never got to experience the same with his parents. He wished he had, he had missed so much in his life.

 

He had to end it now.

 

He let out a loud howl into the deserted landscape, a howl of despair and dismay. He could have been like the other kids, going to school, college, playing games, laughing but he had not had any of that. Was he just unlucky? Was he born to be like this? Was this his destiny? Did God to choose this for him?

 

God does not exist he thought. If he had existed, he would have been in a much better shape now.

 

His mother had always been religious. She had always said that one day God would make them rich, that God would come for them. At that time, it gave him hope and expectation, now it gave him anger and despair.

 

Suddenly he dropped both the bottle and the garbage bag and screamed up at the sky.

 

"KILL ME NOW."

 

He fell to the ground, crying. He was crying so badly, it took him several seconds to notice a knife in front of him, lying on the ground. He wiped the tears out of his eyes with his ragged shirt and picked up the knife.

 

He could not believe it, he was so close to ending this misery, so close to death.

 

And then he did it, he raise the knife and stabbed himself in the earth, blood poured out madly and he screamed in pain. The knife had sliced him exactly through the middle of the heart. He fell face down onto the ground, whimpering in pain in his own pool of blood.

 

And then the screaming stopped, his eyes remained open and glassy. The knife, bottle and garbage can lay beside him.

 

The next day, a milkman found him dead on the street. The police were informed and a later autopsy report confirmed that he had killed himself with the knife. Police gave the reason for the suicide due to him being extremely poor and having no family.

 

However, the police also examined the empty bottle and the garbage bag. Inside the garbage bag, they found 3 diamonds worth $5 million, the man had just been minutes away from being one of the richest men in the city.

Edited February 22, 2015 by Ducard

[Mokrie Dela]

I've been having a writers' block for the past year now. My writing is extremely choppy and I've been writing short stories in the GTA IV Chain Story thread to try to get rid off. This is probably the first piece I've written in WD since over a year I reckon. I used to be active on here back when I was "Master of San Andreas/AceKingston/Vercetti42".

 

It's quite short, so don't expect a huge wall of text. Apologies if my writing is a bit choppy, I tried my best.

 

---

 

Life simply has no meaning.

 

He was seated on the bench in the park. It was night and dark. The park in which he was was deserted and quiet. This is a little too matter of fact. Instead, why not tell us that it's night without saying "night"? "Stars twinkled on high against the deathly void of space" Paint a picture instead of telling us about it.

The only one sounds one could hear were the rustling of the trees and howl of the chill wind. To me, you've already placed us in the shoes of the character, so write it from his perspective - "one could hear"? or "he could hear"?

 

Yet, he was there. Alone and friendless, contemplating the meaning of life. He had an empty beer bottle in hand and his face wore a look of utter disarray. His clothes were ragged and torn. One of his eyes was bloodshot red, He had several cut marks all over his body. He looked like a man with all hope gone.

 

Life was never a bed of roses for him. Would "Life had never been a bed of roses for him" work better? His father had fought in the war and died in the war. I like the almost poetic flow of this sentence, but i'm thinking condense it: "His father had fought and died in the war" - you're repeating superfluous words, otherwise. His mother was kidnapped and shot. He had no brothers or sisters. He found some work at a factory as a child but quit it as he was being bullied by other factory workers. He was 20 now and he could not possibly see how he could turn his life around.

 

"If there is a God," he said his voice hoarse. "He will have to beg for my forgiveness." Remember the commas at end of speech, when followed by "he said." I like this line, though it's very familiar

 

He stood up and started to walk, his walk was wobbly and not straight. You're fighting yourself here. Started to walk - but he's not walking. Is he stumbling? ambling? Is his movement a prolonged fall? He was only 20 but he looked and walked like a 60 year old man. I feel this last part could be elaborated on. Polish it up a little, perhaps, or merge it with the former sentence:

 

"He stood up and stumbled unevenly toward some unseen destination, wavering and swaying like an old, drunk man.

 

During his walk, he picked up a garbage bag without really noticing, perhaps he could find some food in there. Without noticing? But he's consciously seeking food - so he must notice. Or did he stumble across it, the think "ooh, I wonder..."

 

But to eat the food, he had to be alive first.

 

The crazy thought overtook him, the crazy thought of death. If he killed himself, he could end his miserable life. Why hadn't he thought of this before? He didn't need to starve every day of the week, he could end it now.

 

During his wanderings over the city, he had read about suicides in the newspapers. They usually did it with a rope, yeah that would explain it. But he had no idea on how he could hang himself, maybe he could stab himself using a knife...

 

He staggered out of the park, rain started pouring down on him. Tears fell from his face that mingled with the raindrops. He thought of his father and mother, he used to see little, happy children in the park with their parents. He had never got to experience the same with his parents. He wished he had, he had missed so much in his life.

 

He had to end it now.

 

He let out a loud howl into the deserted landscape, a howl of despair and dismay. He could have been like the other kids, going to school, college, playing games, laughing but he had not had any of that. Was he just unlucky? Was he born to be like this? Was this his destiny? Did God to choose this for him?

 

God does not exist, he thought. Remember, thought acts like speech when it comes to punctuating, so there should be a comma in here. If he had existed, he would have been in a much better shape now.

 

His mother had always been religious. She had always said that one day God would make them rich, that God would come for them. At that time, it gave him hope and expectation, now it gave him anger and despair.

 

Suddenly he dropped both the bottle and the garbage bag and screamed up at the sky.

 

"KILL ME NOW."

 

He fell to the ground, crying. He was crying so badly, it took him several seconds to notice a knife in front of him, lying on the ground. He wiped the tears out of his eyes with his ragged shirt and picked up the knife.

 

He could not believe it, he was so close to ending this misery, so close to death.

 

And then he did it, he raised the knife and stabbed himself in the earth, blood poured out madly and he screamed in pain. The knife had sliced him exactly through the middle of the heart. He fell face down onto the ground, whimpering in pain in his own pool of blood.

 

And then the screaming stopped, his eyes remained open and glassy. The knife, bottle and garbage can lay beside him.

 

The next day, a milkman found him dead on the street. The police were informed and a later autopsy report confirmed that he had killed himself with the knife. Police gave the reason for the suicide due to him being extremely poor and having no family.

 

However, the police also examined the empty bottle and the garbage bag. Inside the garbage bag, they found 3 diamonds worth $5 million, the man had just been minutes away from being one of the richest men in the city.

Ooh, nice sucker punch at the end. A little heavy on the exposition at the end, but I liked that last cruel twist

 

Not a great critique. I'm ill. Deal with it (i jest, but i am not well ). Hope i made sense.

[Ducard]

Thanks for the feedback! I am not sure if you noticed but the twist at the end was actually inspired by IV/EFLC if you know what I mean.

 

And, that line was not made by me, it was written by a Jewish prisoner in Auschwitz during World War 2.

[Mokrie Dela]

I see it now!. Which line are we talking about? Because it's always better to write your own line, even if it's inspired or referencing another.

[Cebra]

"If there is a God" he said his voice hoarse. "He will have to beg for my forgiveness."

That's quite a deep line, even if it isn't yours. Also, nice Jerry Kapowitz reference. Overall a pretty decent read.

Edited February 27, 2015 by PhilosophicalZebra

[Mokrie Dela]

It reminds me of something stephen fry said, about homophobic people (you know the religious, anti-gay so-called christians). Something like if a god supported such closed minded thinking, then he'd not want to go to heaven, and if he did meet god, he'd say to him "How dare you?"

 

or something like that. IT was from a show he did about homosexuals and intolerance or something.

 

That aside, as i said, I liked the line.