A Stranger In Paradise

[TropicThunder]

Hello, I have just found this section, I'm still amazed at how big this forum is, and I see that there are many people here who have posted their own stories. I'm not sure if I needed to create my own topic, if I did not, I'm sorry. This is a story I made for a short-story competition some time ago. I would like to add that english is not my native language, not that I'm using this as an excuse for any mistake you may find, just to tell you that I may not use such an elaborate vocabulary as writers who have english as the language they use everyday. This said, I hope you enjoy reading it.

A stranger in Paradise

The man walked down the beach. A beach that could have easily been mistaken for a desert if not for the chill air that violently stroke the man's body. The only sound was that of the waves breaking at the shore. The man was old, his bear could not grow any greyer, he had a tired expression on his face and he wore nothing but a long white coat. There was something that disturbed him, something he knew was missing but could not find out what it was. He continued walking, leaving footprints in the sand as he did so, footprints that would cease to exist when the tide rose later.

 

He was thinking, an excercise he enjoyed, about the problem he had. His feet took him to a rcok, a rock whose every crack and scratch he had once known, but had since forgotten. He sat on this rock, both hands peacefully resting on his legs. He thought about that beach, and about the tide and the shore, that never ending hug, and about his footprints, which would soon be in the tide´s way, and would disappear forever. There was something both land and sea had, that thing that kept them trying to be together, that kept the waves breaking at the shore. Suddenly he heard music in his head, a guitar, a drum, a piano, and then a voice as soft as silk and as strong as steel, a voice that could have easily made the rock he was sitting in to stand up and move, a voice that could join both land and sea, a voice that gave him the solution to his problem. He stood up, raised his arms, his lungs filled with air that would soon turn into eternal words. He looked younger, mightier, his eyes no longer showed trouble, his face had lost any sign of disturbance, and he said:

 

'Let there be light'

 

And there was light.

 

[Ziggy455]

First off, welcome to Writers' Discussion. It is a small community with not much activity but Mokrie, and myself try to help any writers that come through.

 

Getting into it, I've said it a hundred time but it's always applicable. I'll critique your story and your form.

 

As your original language is not English, I will try to go easy on you.

 

Form-wise, there are tiny fractures which kind of cut the story's flow.

 

 

A stranger in Paradise

The man walked down the beach. A beach (1) that could have easily been mistaken for a desert if not for the chill air that violently stroked* the man's body. The only sound was that of the waves breaking at the shore. The man was old, his bear could not grow any greyer, he had a tired expression on his face and he wore nothing but a long white coat. There was something that disturbed him, something he knew was missing but could not find out what it was. He continued walking, leaving footprints in the sand as he did so, footprints that would cease to exist when the tide rose later.

 

(1) The repetition of the word beach, although an effect I see you were going for, just seems repetitive. An easier way to make the sentence structure here flow would be to use a comma, and just refer to the beach as 'one'. Hence:

 

"The man walked down the beach, one that could have easily been mistaken for a desert if not for the chill air that violently stroked* the man's body.

 

He was thinking, an excercise he enjoyed, about the problem he had. His feet took him to a rock*, a rock whose every crack and scratch he had once known (2), but had since forgotten. He sat on this rock, both hands peacefully resting on his legs. He thought about that beach, and about the tide and the shore, that never ending hug, and about his footprints, which would soon be in the tide´s way, and would disappear forever. There was something both land and sea had, that thing that kept them trying to be together, that kept the waves breaking at the shore. Suddenly he heard music in his head, a guitar, a drum, a piano, and then a voice as soft as silk and as strong as steel, (3) a voice that could have easily made the rock he was sitting on* to stand up and move, a voice that could join both land and sea, a voice that gave him the solution to his problem. He stood up, raised his arms, his lungs filled with air that would soon turn into eternal words. He looked younger, mightier, his eyes no longer showed trouble, his face had lost any sign of disturbance, and he said:

 

'Let there be light' (4)

 

And there was light. (5)

 

 

(2) You use the same repetition here but it doesn't come off like you want it to. Simply removing the same word and calling it by something else will keep the reader's flow and attention.

 

(3) I have no problem with this line, I just really liked it as a simile. It's a great description for a voice and I could imagine in my head the kind of sound that voice would make when singing. Good job!

 

(4) Remember that when somebody speaks use question marks, not apostrophes, mate. Apostrophes are used for these sort of things:

Possession: That chocolate bar? It's Michael's.

Shortening the link between a word and the word is: Dave's angry (Dave is angry.) What's this? (What is this?)

Slang: When we omit a letter, an apostrophe is used to show it is missing a letter: (f*ckin' 'ell!)

 

 

Quotation marks are these: "The two dots on either side of this sentence!"

 

(5) Your final line isn't very good. No, let me rephrase that. It isn't effective. One of the most common issues I see with aspiring writers is that they fail to see the difference between showing and telling. Telling readers what is happening doesn't give them that emotional impact.

 

Think about watching a movie. When you watch it, isn't it a better experience than somebody telling you about it?

 

Instead of telling us there was light, show us! Where does the light come from? The clouds? The ocean? Is it bright, reflective, otherworldly? Dim?

 

You have talent, and for English being your second language, you have done very well. These are only simple mistakes that everybody has done, including me, including hundreds of others.

 

Story-wise, there wasn't much here. A man is on the beach, he contemplates the frailty of existence, of the sand and footprints, and then there is light. It's a very poetical, simplistic piece. I would like to see what you can do with a more adept story, one involving a character and a story with which conflict arises.

 

Overall, with the things I've shown you, I can see you are very good at writing, with only a few things setting you back. Feel free to PM me or upload any more work and I will do my best to help you hone your craft from there on out.

 

Zigs.

[TropicThunder]

Thanks for your reply. I know about quotation marks, I guess that was a typing mistake, as a matter of fact I just check the original file and indeed I used quotation marks. Still a silly mistake I'm sorry. Isaac Asimov's The Last Question inspired me to write this story. The man is supposed to be God. In Genesis (I think it is I may have to search it once again) in one chapter it is written: God said: Let there be light. So what I did was like Asimov write a recreation of this event. It is unclear if this man is God, or if it is another person from another world who has the power to do something similar. It might be a machine, such as in Asimov´s story, who has reach a point in which it is capable of creating life once again.

 

I'm really not a religious type of guy, it's just that this phrase which starts life stuck with me and so I decided to write the story. Still thanks for the corrections and helping me. I'm glad you enjoyed it.