Grand Theft Auto: End Of The Line

[Del Perro Dog]

Hello, and welcome to my Grand Theft Auto story [W.I.P].

This story is based in San Andreas [HD-Universe] in early 2014. The infamous Del Perro Dogs are under fire, their successful reign since 2010 begins to crumble just like that of the Roman Empire. They face opposition from the Ballas, Vagos, TP Enterprises, Aztecas, LSPD, and many more.

Their leader William Cormick, watches as his life begins to shatter as the heat becomes too hot. So can he restore his gang to their former glory or as he met the end of the line?

CHAPTERS

Prologue: Bad Dog

 

CHARACTER BIOS

Will Cormick

 

 

Name: William Jay Cormick

Gender: Male
D.O.B: 20^th of August, 1988. (26)

 

Height: 6’2”
Weight: 185 lbs

 

Biography: Born in Brisbane, Australia to a mother of three. His Australian roots are much more than birth, as at the young age of 2 his family moved to Liberty City, U.S.A. His eldest brother stated that it was to escape their mother’s crazy ex-husband.

 

His eldest brother, James Cormick, (with a 5 year age gap) and his middle brother, Josh Cormick, (with a 2 year age gap) were known to cause quite a lot of mischief on Mohawk Avenue where they grew up. As they got older things got a bit more serious, James also began to mature and tried to convince Will and Josh out of their mischief.

 

Josh got in trouble for joy-riding and when police investigated James took the consequences. James was sentenced to 4 years, being 15 he spent 2 of those years in juvey and the 2 others in prison.

 

Josh continued to be a bad influence on Will, getting them deeper into this hole that James had tried to pull them out of. At the ripe young age of 14, Will made his first robbery with Josh. It was at a gas station where they threatened the clerk with large kitchen knives; they got 1k from the robbery and somehow managed to get away with it.

 

James was released and learnt of this, he gave up on them and moved into a friend’s apartment on Algonquin Island. The robberies Josh and Will performed got bigger over time.

 

In 2009 Josh and Will attempted to hit the Bank of Liberty, and they were way in over their heads. It went hideously wrong, not a single dime was retrieved before cops swarmed the area, Josh was shot and killed and Will narrowly escaped with tons of evidence of his identity left behind. James had made himself a wealthy person in the mean-time and when he found out that Josh had died and Will was hiding out with their mother he went crazy.

 

He ordered Will to leave and cut ties to the family, Will didn’t want to but it was already done. James had a 1-way ticket to Los Santos. James told Will that he will take care of their mother and will bury Josh, and as much as Will wanted to avenge Josh he took the plane to Los Santos.

 

He arrived in Los Santos and quickly found himself being extorted by the infamous Del Perro-based gang ‘The Vargas Family’. After taking 8 months of this crap decided he was sick of this sh*t. He loaded up and took the gang head-on...and won.

 

Killed the legendary Rafael Vargas and took his belongings, all his money, physical assets, and eve his narcotics and weapons ring. He established the Del Perro Dogs and made allies and enemies quickly.

 

He allowed Martin Madrazo to weigh in on the narcotics ring and also established small-time thug, Alex Carter, as a made-man (or if you’d prefer a made-woman).

 

His enemies were also abundant, the Ballas and Vagos witnessed that with his takeover he became a millionaire overnight and they were interested. He constantly fights back the Ballas and Vagos from his territory in Los Santos while also operating his narcotics ring and weapon trade in Blaine County.

 

 

Alex Carter

 

 

Name: Alexandra Ethan Carter

Gender: Female
D.O.B: 27^th of January, 1991. (23)

 

Height: 5’7”
Weight: 121 lbs

 

Biography: Born in Los Santos at the height of the gangbanger glory days, Alex was no stranger to the sight that was gang-warfare.

 

She lost her innocence pretty quickly with the sights she saw on a daily basis and grew up with quite a cynical look on life. Some would call her a realistic, others would call her a pessimist, I’d call her an asshole.

 

In her young-teens her father and mother took to the farms in Blaine County to attempt to make a living. A huge mistake that was, because like every industry small businesses can suck a fat one.

 

So when she was 19 she said goodbye to hard working on farms for sh*t pay. She returned to Los Santos and realised that with her experience there was only one way to make cash. She farmed weed and sold it, she was pretty good at it too.

 

Will Cormick, another young idiot trying to make a name for himself, offered her protection if she joined his new gang ‘The Del Perro Dogs.’ She agreed, and followed Will because as idiotic as his plans may have been, they made good money.

 

She now stands as the second in command of the Del Perro Dogs.

 

Carlos Montoya

 

 

Name: Carlos Esteban Montoya
Gender: Male

D.O.B: 21^st of August, 1994. (20)

 

Height: 5’5”
Weight: 183 lbs

 

Biography: Born in Los Santos and raised in the bad part of Vespucci Beach Carlos seems to know everything about gang-banging; well at least he thinks he knows everything about gang-banging.

 

He has an ego the size of the Maze-Bank Arena; he is a real loud-mouth and smack-talker. When he tried to impress the Vagos in his teens he got rejected and mocked and so he got angry, and boy does he have a temper. He started firing guns at Vagos members and making higher-ups real angry at him.

 

He blew up their cars, burnt their drugs, and shot their members. That was for a month, he then got cornered by them at the Vespucci Beach lock-ups in 2010. He threw everything he could until he ran out of ammo on every gun he had. Luckily his ass got saved by the original Del Perro Dogs, Will Cormick and Alex Carter. The Vagos scattered and Will offered Carlos a spot in his gang.

 

Carlos was ecstatic about being in the gang, but he is still the same boy and will trash-talk everyone who questions him. He currently stands as a high-ranking loyal member to the Del Perro Dogs.

 

Emmett Chen

 

 

Name: Emmett Claude Chen

Gender: Male
D.O.B: 13^th of January, 1979. (35)

Height: 5’9”
Weight: 170 lbs

Biography: Born in Liberty City, he was raised by a single mother in the sketchy neighbourhood of Mohawk Avenue. His mother was attempting to escape the life of crime her ex-boyfriend was obsessed with.

 

He had always been intrigued by his father’s life, well at least what his mother had told him about it. Unfortunately Emmett was quickly left alone as his mother succumbed to cancer when he was 17. After her heart-breaking death he tracked down his father, when he did he found a depressed middle-aged man drinking down all the whiskies he could afford at the local bar.

 

His father had been a former made-man of a mafia, but when he and his colleagues decided to throw over their godfather and become the new bosses in town. It was a mistake however, as the mafia collapsed with those who were still loyal killed Emmett’s father’s friend.

 

Emmett then began to live with his father, catching up on a lost childhood. It didn’t last long though as when Emmett was 18 a loyal member found Emmett’s father and tied up loose ends. Emmett had lost everyone in his family and vowed to kill everyone who was responsible for this.

 

He decided to put his assassination skills to use, becoming a professional hitman operating in Liberty City, Vice City, and Los Santos. He is known as the silent assassin by those who contract him and to those who cross him.

 

James Cormick

 

 

Name: James Jock Cormick

Gender: Male
D.O.B: 2^nd of September, 1983 (31)

Height: 6’4”
Weight: 198 lbs

Biography: Born in Brisbane, Australia James spent most of his young years there until he moved to Liberty City with his two younger brothers and his mother at age 7. They lived in the low-income housing that Mohawk Avenue offered just to escape his mother’s crazy ex-husband.

 

The boys were quite mischievous, but when James reached the age of 13 he felt obliged to protect his younger brothers from the dangers outside and especially themselves. Unfortunately his attempts were futile and things finally tipped when Josh stole a car off the streets. Police investigated but James took the fall, being sentenced to 2 years in juvey and 2 years in prison.

 

Josh continued his petty crimes and dragged their youngest brother, Will, with him. When James was released in 2002 he learnt that Josh had robbed a gas station. James gave up on them, caught up with an old friend who offered him a place to stay near Rotterdam tower.

 

While living with his friend he turned his life around and became an Investment Banker, quite a wealthy one too. His life was pretty swell until 2009, Josh and Will had attempted to rob the Bank of Liberty, they were unsuccessful as Josh got killed and Will was being tracked down. James confronted Will and told him to leave Liberty City, he gave him a one-way ticket to Los Santos and promised that he would protect their mother and bury Josh. Will wanted revenge, but he for once decided to do what James said.

 

 

Will had cut ties with the family, so it was just James and his mother now. James was a shoulder for his mother to cry on. It wasn’t much later that in January, 2014 their mother died of cancer at age 53. James has his own family now and is preoccupied with work, but every now and then he thinks of Will and how he is and other times he thinks of if Josh hadn’t of gotten killed.

 

Josh Cormick

 

 

Name: Joshua Jeremy Cormick

Gender: Male
D.O.B: 22^nd of June, 1986
D.O.D: 4^th of May, 2009 (22)

Height: 6”
Weight: 140 lbs

Biography: Born in Brisbane, Australia Josh spent very little time there. He moved to Liberty City with his older brother, younger brother, and mother at age 4. He grew up causing lots of mischief with his brothers, James and Will. It was mainly Will that helped Josh perform the mischief and James over-time became more and more disapproving of their actions.

 

When Josh was 12 he stole a car and took it for a joyride. It was a horrible idea as police investigated, but James went out of his way to cover for his little brother and took the blame. James was sentenced to 2 years in juvey and 2 years in prison. Josh thought nothing of it and continued digging a hole for himself and Will.

 

Over James’ sentence Josh went as far to rob a gas station at knife-point with Will. They surprisingly escaped but Josh bragged to James about it and James went mad and moved to Algonquin Island with a friend. Josh continued to be ignorant of his older brother’s disapproval and began robbing more places with the assistance of young, impressionable, Will.

 

It wasn’t until Will and Josh were in their early 20s Josh went even too far for himself. He tried to heist the Bank of Liberty like it was a jewellery store. Before the two had even got the last of the hostages in a room the cops swarmed the place. Josh finally realized how far in he was and tried to run, Josh was shot in the neck and died instantly and his little brother Will just escaped with his life.

 

Bella Vargas

 

Name: Bella Rose Vargas

Gender: Female

D.O.B: 19^th of October, 1995. (19)

 

Height: 5’5”
Weight: 112 lbs

 

Biography: Born to the vicious and filthy rich mafia boss, Rafael Vargas, Bella Vargas has always been spoilt. The kind of girl you’d see on ‘I’m Rich!’ she was bought a Adder for her 13^th birthday and a mansion in Vice City for her Sweet 14^th, in fact it was Tommy Vercetti’s old mansion.

 

When she was 14 she moved out to stay in that mansion because all of her online-girlfriends were going to school there. She stayed there living off of her daddy’s money for a year, all the gifts he sent her while she was there was ridiculous and then someone wacked her daddy in 2010.

 

You would think she’d be so upset by this news, but she was too busy buying over-expensive luxuries to even know he was dead. It was only when the money ran out in 2014 did she notice that he had died and so she flew over to find out who did it and who had all her daddy’s money now.

 

That someone is Will Cormick, the man she is now trying to kill with all of her henchmen. She now somewhat runs the resurrected Vargas Family with the one goal of knocking Will down from his thrown and killing him.

 

John Myer

 

 

Name: Johnathan Angel Myer

Gender: Male
D.O.B: 27^th of July, 1990
D.O.D: 3^rd of February, 2014 (23)

Height: 5’11”
Weight: 176 lbs

Biography: Born in Liberty City to a member of the Angels of Death. He always idolised the criminal life as a boy. His crime aspirations didn’t match up entirely with his dads outlaw ways. John always had ideas for his dad to get rich and his dad always dismissed him.

 

John was 18 when his dad got killed by Johnny Klebitz and so John decided he’d show that his schemes would work. He moved to Los Santos and became an amateur gun for hire, mainly being hired for heists.

 

He became typically hired for the Del Perro Dogs’ heists and in 2014 he was officially inducted into the Dogs as their heist gunman.

 

Edited March 17, 2015 by Del Perro Dog

[Mokrie Dela]

Is this planned to be written prose - just the story - or are you planning on showing features of the game (weapons, character bios, maps, radio etc)?

 

I'm trying to gauge whether this is a straight up story, or a concept thread.

[Del Perro Dog]

It's a straight-up story, I've just made a few little things to keep my mind on it and decided to share them.

[Mokrie Dela]

Fair enough. I'll leave it open, but really, there's no sense in posting unless you've got the story (or at least a chapter) to show us. Credit for the effort that's gone in so far, but in this little quiet section, character bios and banners will be ignored; we want the meat and potatoes - the story itself. Good luck to writing it, and I hope to see the story itself soon

[Del Perro Dog]

I think I'll be able to reduce the ETA to this month seeing as most of the prologue draft is done and thanks for the encouragement!

[Mokrie Dela]

That's cool but be weary about rushing things. Allow yourself adequate time to proof read and edit the chapter. Best way is to set it aside for a few days, then come back to it and read it with a critic's eye. When they're active, people in this section will offer feedback and critiquing of course, but it's important to run through it yourself. There's a pinned topic in this section with some advice, should you need it.

[Del Perro Dog]

I'm afraid I'm not going to meet the February deadline as school came sooner than expected and my off-time is being spent sorting out my injured ankle. I'll try to get out before March 24th.

Edited February 25, 2015 by Del Perro Dog

[Cebra]

Like Mokrie said, don't rush things. This is a slow section; allow yourself as much time as you need to get out a good chapter. When inspiration hits, it hits - don't bother setting deadlines for yourself because it might only succeed in making you stressed out.

 

Also, for announcements like these you should post in The Writer's Room from now on. Update your topics when you're ready.

 

Good luck.

Edited February 25, 2015 by PhilosophicalZebra

[Mokrie Dela]

Like Mokrie said, don't rush things. This is a slow section; allow yourself as much time as you need to get out a good chapter. When inspiration hits, it hits - don't bother setting deadlines for yourself because it might only succeed in making you stressed out.

 

Also, for announcements like these you should post in The Writer's Room from now on. Update your topics when you're ready.

 

Good luck.

To put it bluntly, I wouldn't bother with announcements. You can't predict when a chapter's finished*, or when the first draft is done, or when editing's finished. It'll be done, when it's done, and that's enough. Setting yourself a deadline can be useful, but it can also get in the way. Set yourself, instead, a certain amount of hours per week to work on it. Make sure you hit that figure. Then, edit and improve the story, and finally, when you feel it's ready - really ready - then upload it. I'm not going to be adding a specific date to my diary. GTAF will tell me when new topics are posted, or when followed topics are replied to, and i check the section regularly. We'll see it when it drops.

 

*Some people write and post, chapter by chapter; some people write the whole thing, edit it, then upload.

[TonyZimmzy]

I came in here expecting some light 3 a.m. reading... empty promises, boy. Not happy.

[Del Perro Dog]

Prologue: Bad Dog

 

The noon sun was still out and shining in the Los Santos afternoon, traffic was horrid as per usual, young girls flocked to the beaches to wear their skimpiest bikinis, and the towering Pacific Standard Public Deposit Bank was packed; an eight-person line for every teller. A black van slowly pulled up to the vault, a loud screeching noise accompanied its halt. In the back of the van were four people; a blonde woman, a beared Caucasian male, a blonde Caucasian male, and a Hispanic male all dressed in navy blue flak jackets and wielding fully-automatic rifles fully loaded with American freedom.

 

The beared man began to speak, “Okay everybody, I know you’re sick of hearing it but I’ll brief you all one more time; Alex I want you on crowd control, Carlos I want you to back me up as I head into the vault, and John I want you overseeing the crowd from the mezzanine.” He said with his light Australian accent.

 

“How many times do you expect us to move in and out of the vault to haul all those greenbacks, Will? I know I’ve got endurance but this isn’t exactly a subtle night time heist here.” Carlos questions

 

“Good question; that’s where numbers come in handy; after you and I haul our take to the main floor Alex will go in for what’s left, anything left behind will be spared mercy.” Will answers.

 

Will looks around the group, “Anymore questions? If so I don’t care; let’s lock and load.” After Will slipped on his mask of a hound and cocked his combat MG. Will opens the door and just before his feet touch the pavement he tilts his head back to the group, he said, “Remember, initials only from now on.”

 

They all burst out of the back of the van and rush to kick open the heavy doors to the bank, heavily armed they head to the main floor of the bank; the main floor was a gorgeous specimen of architecture. Chandeliers hung from the ceiling, marble pillars held up a mezzanine floor, and stained-glass windows covered the walls.

 

“Get on the f*cking ground!” Carlos screams as he hoists his rifle. All the civilians gasped and most began to get to the ground, except for one that stood there hunched and shaking in fear. “I said bajarse, bitch!” Carlos grumbles as he whips the hostage with the butt of his gun causing the hostage to get knocked out.

 

“Now C, that is not how we introduce ourselves.” Will sarcastically says.

 

Will turns to Alex and John, “Okay A, you start zip-tying our lovely guests. J you move up to the mezzanine.” He orders. John barges his way through a door to the stairs as Alex begins to tie up the hostages. “C!” Will calls out, Carlos turns and is thrown a bag. “That’s the drill, remember that I didn’t bring two of those.”

 

Carlos adjusts the bag onto his shoulder and meets the first locked door on his way to the vault. He rattles it and the tellers remain at their counters with their hands up, “Dama, open the f*cking door.” Carlos yells at them.

 

The nervous tellers look at him, not moving a muscle. “I wasn’t asking.” Carlos cocks his rifle, one teller begins to move slowly towards the door and begins entering the code. “Venga, venga!” as soon as the door became unlocked Carlos kicked through it and sent the person who unlocked it to the ground.

 

“A, tie these people up will ya’?” Carlos requests, Alex sighs. “I’m going to get arthritis from all this tying.” She mumbles before going behind the teller desk to restrain the tellers.

 

“Okay, C crack out the drill.” Will commands. “It’s a miracle no cops have dispatched yet.” Will thinks aloud. Carlos unzips the bag pulls out the large handheld drill and begins drilling the second door’s lock.

 

John comes out from the offices on the mezzanine floor, “It’s all clear up here, boss.” He says giving Will a thumbs up.

 

Suddenly N.O.O.S.E operatives smash in through the windows, shards of glass scatter across the bank as they open fire immediately, a red mist flies off the back of John’s head as two bullets enter the back of his skull, he drops dead instantaneously.

 

Will scatters fire across the mezzanine floor before the operatives even being able to untie themselves. “J is down!” He roars. Carlos shoots and kills one of the operatives before taking cover, “Eat sh*t, pigs!” Carlos howls.

 

“Let the hostages go or we’ll kill the rest of you!” One of the cops threatens.

 

Alex pulls out a grenade and launches it over heard head and onto the mezzanine causing a large explosion, three operatives fly into the air as the entresol crumbles into debris and rains down on the main floor.

 

“Woooo!”Carlos exclaims.

 

“We’re getting out of here guys, move out and lay fire on the reinforcements.”

 

Will stands and turns to the hostages as Carlos and Alex set up by the door, “It’s been a lovely time with you all at the Pacific Standard Public Deposit Bank, but I’m afraid we will be taking our leave.” He announces.

 

“Okay A, I hope you’re ready for this.” Carlos states.

 

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” Alex expresses.

 

Carlos kicks open the door to a wave of LSPD units, patrol officers taking cover behind their cars and operatives quickly unloading from a N.O.O.S.E van. Carlos makes a war cry as he fires rapidly at the cops, some shots fly past and then one hits him in the gut as Alex fires her grenades; despite the flak jacket the shot flies straight through it and sends him to the ground.

 

The grenades explode scattering the cop cars across the road and leaving a good route for the van to escape. Will comes out from the bank and lays out some more suppressive fire on stragglers.

Will directs orders to Alex; “A, get him up and into the back of the van. It’s time to haul ass!”

 

Alex helps Carlos onto his feet and helps him hobble over to the back of the van as Will pulls out the dead getaway-driver and takes the wheel. Will hears the shutting of the doors in the back and asks, “Are we all good back there?”

“No! Those chicken sh*ts had armour-piercing bullets!” Carlos cries.

 

Will turns his head over the seat with confused look, “Now tell me Carlos why they would have armour-piercing bullets?” Will asks, seemingly shaking his head with every syllable said.

“Will, start the f*cking car!” Alex screams.

 

“Alright, alright.” Will murmurs before starting the ignition. As the vehicle takes off he informs Alex, “Remember, if things get too hot back there I have MG loaded with armour-piercing rounds back there! And if things get boiling the C4 intended for the vault is loaded up too.”

 

The noise of sirens begins to accumulate behind them indicating pursuers. “Speak of the devil.” Alex sighs. She hefts the heavy machine-gun to her hips and then with one motions launches her foot out the back of the van flinging the doors open, an ocean of flashing lights follows in close proximity.

 

Alex clenches her teeth and rains fire upon the police cruisers as she tightly holds onto the gun at her hip, her low accuracy being compensated with the sheer power and fire-rate of the military-grade weapon. The pursuing vehicles begin to thin in just a few seconds, one being neutralized and another without a driver, but back at the front of the van suddenly 4 police cruisers spill out onto the road followed by a N.O.O.S.E van, William is forced to make a sudden turn to get avoid the roadblock and drifts across the road as he attempts to make the turn in a van. Alex trips and slams into the wall of the vehicle and falls out of the doors, she clenches onto the bumper for dear life as her weapon is fed to the cars behind them.

 

As her grip quickly begins to loosen from the rear of the van a hand launches out from inside the vehicle, it grabs her own and the loud grunts of Carlos is heard as he uses all his strength to lift Alex back into the car. She hangs as Carlos seemingly forgets that he had been shot, her feet nearly scrape the asphalt before another pull brings her back into the van, once in she witnesses Carlos clenching his wound with one hand and holding onto her with another, and behind him is Will pulling his foot from the driver’s seat.

 

“Will, what the f*ck was that? You should be driving!” Alex shrieks seeing that Will had taken his eyes from the road.

 

“Will wasn’t the only one pulling you!” Carlos grunts, his teeth still clenched in pain.

 

Will starts to focus back on driving and says, “We’re heading north, because for every 1 cop they have up there, there is 1000 acres and a couple hundred meth addicts!”.

 

Both Carlos and Alex seem speechless, “You say that like it’s a good thing.” Alex responds, sardonically.

 

“Alex, you’re just so pessimistic, I’m glasses half full over here.” Will laughs, mocking her.

 

As the Rumpo begins to slow down on the incline, Carlos proactively thinks before the rest realise the cops will catch up on the uphill. His hand curdles around a C4 from one of the many bags stored in the back. His other hand has a tight grip on the remote as he launches the C4 at the battalion of police. A large explosion throws the cruisers flying back and smacking into the top-heavy swat vans. A chain reaction ensues on the swarm as they all come to a screeching halt behind the vehicle.

 

“And that should take care of them!” Carlos bloats as he slams the van doors shut.

 

“Man Carlos, I think that is the first problem you’ve ever solved with your incisively destructive methods.” Alex states, belittling him.

 

The van speeds through the high-end Vinewood Hills with no alarming police activity still after them, dodging cars left and right they should be up in the desert by no time. The van begins heading through the last section of Los Santos County; the mountains. Police helicopters try to keep over head as they make their way on the thin and twisting roads of the mountains. The helicopters begin to fire at them as the van begins to edge ever closer to the rural Blaine County.

 

Glass shards begins to fill the back of the van as each bullet is more accurate and closer than the last. “Will do something before they blow one of our heads off!” Alex cries.

“I’m working on it!” Will quickly responds, his usual snarky-self beginning to dissolve as the pressure builds on.

 

He pushes the Rumpo to its limit, his reckless driving causing the wheels of the car to scrape the grass and curb every now and then, they begin to make a sharp right as underneath the sounds of bullets hailing into the side of van loud police sirens are heard. A Blaine County sheriff’s car speeds down the roadway as it seems to carry out its last resort, it slams into the side of the van as it makes its turns. The van feels the impact hard and begins to spin out and smashes through a wooden fence, the van tumbles and crashes down the hill, smacking into every pine tree on the way down. It finally comes to a halt once it slams into a trench.

 

All passengers seem dead in the metal wreck the van had become, but suddenly the driver’s door of the upside down vehicle is kicked off, and the battered Will crawls his way out. He slowly drags himself across the dust, inch by inch and makes his way to the back of the van. He peels the back door of the Rumpo off and sees his partners in crime completely unconscious, he uses all his strength to haul them out of the vehicle and as he rolls Carlos’ motionless body out of the death trap that the van had become he hears a beeping. He pulls himself up to look at the under of the car and sees an obscure object attached to the body, it reads ‘L.S.P.D TRACKING’.

 

It slowly comes to him, it being the realisation that he had been setup by a person on the inside. “Ah sh*t.” He moans, he then hears the crackling of flames as the spilled petrol covering the car ignites. As he remembers the C4 his dazed mind puts two and two together.

 

“AH sh*t!” he screams as he launches himself away from the van with an explosion that pushed him even further. The helicopters hovering above the van witness the wreckage turn into an explosive wreck. As Will meets the earths with a loud thud he lays there motionless, a blood puddle forming beneath where his head made contact.

Edited March 18, 2015 by Del Perro Dog

[AEsob]

Okay, now, my head will explode if I even try to tear it apart, so I'll give you the short version.

 

At places, it feels as if you are uninterested, that is, the narration seems impersonal.

 

Don't go along with the tedious, 'he said', or 'he says'. Use variations, or after you've established your characters, just use quote marks.

 

I like where you are going with this, keep the plot interesting, and break the clichés.