Act 1.

[DJ Arrt]

Winter’s Nightmare

 

Act I.

 

It’s a cold, winter night. A boy named THE BOY is watching CNN when MIKE BROWN’S MOTHER appears on the TV with this message

 

MIKE BROWN’S MOTHER: Defend himself from what? You motherf*ckers think it’s a joke. They wrong. Y’all know ya’ll wrong. Everybody want me to be calm, but ain’t nobody go through what I went through.

THE BOY notices this. This moments sends a cold chill into his bones. He gets up, goes onto his computer and opens up FL Studio 11 and starts making a dark melody with a heart-like beat in the background.

 

The beat sounds trapish.

 

He get’s angry while making it.

 

THE BOY: They say, be happy, be free,

but they expect a nigga like me,

a nigga like me,

to stay drug free

Quit slinging dope, like right about now,

but they never told a nigga about who, what, when, where or how,

 

Most importantly, they never told a nigga the reason why

I should even try

To not say f*ck my feelings and not get,

high.

Just because I don’t want to quit

 

Doesn’t mean I don’t want to learn

But they only target the edge

And leave the other niggas to burn

 

How do I gain the strength, confidence, and happiness when I can’t even find it within myself

 

How does a nigga with home problems and a f*cked up history find his inner wealth?

 

I just wanna be happy, so I do what I can

That white girl got me up, I never sleep,

That’s just the life of the man

I wanna do it for my fam

 

But I eat, smoke, and hang with these niggas,

and then the next day I pray for forgiveness

 

I wonder if I was meant to write and rhyme

but then I say f*ck it, I already put in this time

 

I shouldn’t really worry about the meter

I’m just worried about the niggas with the heaters

Who the f*ck sent me to be the leader?

 

I mean, I can’t even afford the rent

All my frustrations, I vent

But I guess it’s because I try to act like the

Black Clark Kent

 

I just wanna be free, I just wanna fly

I guess that’s why I keep my head up high

 

Because I don’t wanna be known as that SuperNigga

I just want to be that super, nigga.

 

THE BOY gets frustrated, shuts off his computer, goes to his room and tries to go to sleep.

 

But he can’t. So he texted his “ex-girlfriend”, ‘Nessa, to tell her his feelings of regret, fear, and depression.

 

She never texted back.

Edited December 18, 2014 by TheBlackPeterParker.

[DJ Arrt]

Feedback would be appreciated!

[Mokrie Dela]

This is a quiet board, so sometimes feedback takes a while to come. Sometimes it's days, or a week. Be patient, but please don't double post.

 

I'm honestly not sure what to make of it. It seems to be referring to something, at the beginning, but it's not clear. It doesn't seem to go anywhere, that I can see (then again this format isn't my strongest).

 

What i can comment on, however, is the rhyme you've included. It does feel like it works better if "rapped", so to speak.

 

 

I mean, I can’t even afford the rent

All my frustrations, I vent

But I guess it’s because I try to act like the

Black Clark Kent

 

I just wanna be free, I just wanna fly

I guess that’s why I keep my head up high

 

Because I don’t wanna be known as that SuperNigga

I just want to be that super, nigga.

I really liked these verses. I liked the thread running through it, and the turn of phrase at the end (incidentally a good example of the importance of commas and punctuation!) For the rhyme itself, I actually felt like i could identify with it. That sort of helped me connect with the character, but in truth, there's little in this aside from the rhyme. I don't know what's going on, who he is, or why he's making the rhyme. I feel like I've heard part of a story, made up on the spot and really, the rhyme is the strongest part of this.

I can imagine a story stemming from it; a character struggling in life, finding it difficult to express himself, finds that vent in rhyme. But here, I can't even see a connection between the apparent set-up/narration and the rhyme. The two don't seem to fit together to me.

 

That's about all i can offer at this moment. Kudos on those last verses, though, i liked them.

Edited December 22, 2014 by Mokrie Dela

[DJ Arrt]

This is a quiet board, so sometimes feedback takes a while to come. Sometimes it's days, or a week. Be patient, but please don't double post.

 

I'm honestly not sure what to make of it. It seems to be referring to something, at the beginning, but it's not clear. It doesn't seem to go anywhere, that I can see (then again this format isn't my strongest).

 

What i can comment on, however, is the rhyme you've included. It does feel like it works better if "rapped", so to speak.

 

 

 

I mean, I can’t even afford the rent

All my frustrations, I vent

But I guess it’s because I try to act like the

Black Clark Kent

 

I just wanna be free, I just wanna fly

I guess that’s why I keep my head up high

 

Because I don’t wanna be known as that SuperNigga

I just want to be that super, nigga.

I really liked these verses. I liked the thread running through it, and the turn of phrase at the end (incidentally a good example of the importance of commas and punctuation!) For the rhyme itself, I actually felt like i could identify with it. That sort of helped me connect with the character, but in truth, there's little in this aside from the rhyme. I don't know what's going on, who he is, or why he's making the rhyme. I feel like I've heard part of a story, made up on the spot and really, the rhyme is the strongest part of this.

 

I can imagine a story stemming from it; a character struggling in life, finding it difficult to express himself, finds that vent in rhyme. But here, I can't even see a connection between the apparent set-up/narration and the rhyme. The two don't seem to fit together to me.

 

That's about all i can offer at this moment. Kudos on those last verses, though, i liked them.

 

 

Yea, it was something personal I really written for myself. I wrote the raps seperatly because I wanted to record them but I never got around to doing so, so I decided to set up a scene that inspired me to write the raps themselves.

[Le zébu suintant]

Nice!

[Ziggy455]

Form-wise, I've got a few problems with this. The first and foremost, what's with the large Roman font? It's very big and spaced, and the presentation of the work comes off tacky for it. When you're writing a script, the go-to font is Courier New. This is the screenwriting font.

 

Also when writing dialogue, the speaker is normally above the text, like so:

 

Ziggy

Do you understand? It's a small thing but when somebody is

reading it can be the worst thing to turn a reader away.

Also, why are you italicizing every action part? Italic is normally used for emphasis. For example, I'll take your first action sequence and show you exactly what's to be done:

 

It’s a cold, winter night. A boy named THE BOY is watching CNN when MIKE BROWN’S MOTHER appears on the TV with this message. She is angry, trembling.

MIKE BROWN’S MOTHER

Defend himself from what? You motherf*ckers think it’s a joke. They wrong. Y’all know ya’ll wrong. Everybody want me to be calm, but ain’t nobody go through what I went through.

 

 

(1)The boy notices this. This moments sends a cold chill into his bones. He gets up, goes onto his computer and opens up FL Studio 11 and starts making a dark melody with a heart-like beat in the background.

 

1. This is an extremely quick description of something. I'm no music-mogul but making a beat like this would take some time, right? Wouldn't we skip ahead a little, maybe an hour or so? Pacing is key too when you're trying to make an emotional impact on the reader.

 

Something important, now I'm looking at your lyrics to the song and stuff. I'm not an expert with music, or rapping, but I'm a very avid fan of smart rap, Nas, Flobots, Asheru, 3000, and this overuse of the word nigga in rap is just something that is abundant and it makes your rapping suffer for it. It's like a go-to word, much like us writers being told never to use the word very. Strike it from your vocabulary and see how smart you can become by trying to fill the void with more meaningful words.

 

Anybody can write nigga, but an intelligent man can do better.

 

Story-wise it's semi-controversial, and a little simplistic with the potential of a much larger story. It seems to be a hybrid story between venting emotions and the start of a music video.

 

Take what I've given you for now, and work on this, and we'll see how it goes when you've improved a little.