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EDDYHarris

Liberty City Survival

Recommended Posts

EDDYHarris
stncI52.png?1

Intro

A robbery takes place in Liberty city bank in lower Alqonquin. Part of the bank robbery is Lewis who is Marks bestfriend and partner in crime & Mark Dorelli who is a boss in a deadly crime syndicate


participating in the armed robbery along 3 unnamed others as well. As the team commit the arm robbery stealing hundreds & thousands of dollars they flee the scene with with a hail of bullets from the


cops resuling in a shootout leaving only Lewis & Mark alive and the rest shot dead by police. As Mark reaches the getaway van along with Lewis, Mark shoots Lewis in the stomach stumbling to the


ground. As Lewis hits the ground Mark takes the money from Lewis and speeds off (WIth this it causes tension and later a huge conflict between the two) The police closes in on Lewis and is soon


sent to medical attention and sent to the Alderny State Correctional Facility.



3 years later...

A big producer in a new reality tv show comes in on a helicopter to the Alderny State Correctional Facility. In his new reality TV show it requires 30 convicts. The top 30 most dangeous convicts


released. To murders, assasins, drug dealers, petty criminals, criminal bosses & trigger happy pyschos.


Danny Letreal

Criminal Job: Ex-Assasin for former mob

Specialty: small arms marksmanship, sniper marksmanship & knives

Convicted For: multiple counts of murder


Mark Patrelli

Criminal Job: Boss of deadly crime syndicate

Specialty: small arms, evading & escaping & running a criminal organization

Convicted For: Bank robbing, cop killing, & multiple accounts of murder


Lewis Nedman

Criminal Job: Bank Robber

Specialty: firearms, hand to hand combat

Convicted For: Arm robbery


4th criminal Kioji Azuka

Criminal Job: Ex-Yakuza

Specialty: hand to hand combat, firearms, and katana

Convicted For: Multiple acounts of murder

Jonathan Jeffcoat

Criminal Job: Drugs Smuggler

Specialty: Smuggling Narcotics

Convicted For: Drug charges


Antwan Andrea

Criminal Job: Car Jacker

Specialty: Vehicle Theft

Convicted For: Grand Theft and Murder


Royce Robinett

Criminal Job: Mercenary

Specialty: Ex-military

Convicted For: Arms trafficking & murder


Garret Gaddis

Criminal Job: Street Gang Boss

Specialty: asssault with force & weapons

Convicted For: Multiple accounts for murder


Alejandro Anstine

Criminal Job: Enforcer for mob

Specialty: Interrogation & firearms

Convicted For: Murder & asssault


Dwayne Delee

Criminal Job: Street soldier for gang in North Holland Hustlers

Specialty: Handguns

Convicted For: Drug and Murder charges


Ambrose Atterberry

Criminal Job: Arms Trafficking

Specialty: Fire arms

Convicted For: Arms trafficking


Jerrod Jolliff

Criminal Job: Killer

Specialty: Evading police custody

Convicted For: Cop Killing


Bob Blackstock

Criminal Job: Computer Hacker

Specialty: Escape & Evade & Computer Hacker

Convicted For: Stealing Electronic information


Donnell Degarmo

Criminal Job: Kingpin cartel in Bohan

Specialty: Durg Trafficking, Murder & Running a Drug Organization

Convicted For: Drug Conspiracy


Bryant Bialek

Criminal Job: Serial Killer

Specialty: Killing with knives

Convicted For: Multiple acounts of homicides


Clair Cushing

Criminal Job: Ex Soldier for mob

Specialty: Hand to hand combat

Convicted For: Murder & manslaughter


Lawrence Lattimer

Criminal Job: Drug Dealer in Broker

Specialty: Drug extortion

Convicted For: Drug Charges & cop killing


Valentine Vowels

Criminal Job: Human Smuggling

Specialty: Concealing & Hiding weapons

Convicted For: Arms & Humans trafficking


Darius Doshier

Criminal Job: Soldier for Russian Mob in Broker

Specialty: Money Laundering, Extortion & firearms

Convicted For: Murder, Assault & Battery & Brbibery


Calvin Crosby

Criminal Job: Petty Arms Dealer

Specialty: N/A

Convicted For: Gun Charges


Bryon Bergh

Criminal Job: Ex Assasin

Specialty: sub machine guns & handguns

Convicted For: Armed battery, attempt murder & criminal homicide


Donnie Dawson

Criminal Job: Triad Soldier

Specialty: Knives & melle weaposn

Convicted For: Murder


Harlan Haye

Criminal Job: Hustler

Specialty: Selling & Dealing Narcotics

Convicted For: Drug Charges


Solomon Simmonds

Criminal Job: Psycho

Specialty: Killing & heavy weaponry

Convicted For: Mulitple acounts of murder & cop killing


Jake Glendale

Criminal Job: Criminal Robber

Specialty: N/A

Convicted For: Armed Robbery & Murder



Each criminal is released seperateley across Liberty City with a nanotracking chip implanted in them.


Mark Porelli is walking through the cell going to a small visiting room in the east wing of the prison with a show corespondant waiting for him. He enters the room and the door is shut 5 seconds later he looks at the show corespondant with no emotions and the


show corespondant looks at him in joy.


"Mr Porelli...please sit"(he uses his hand to point at the chair across from him).


Mark takes a glance at the seat he pointed towards and turns his head behind to the door for another glance he then walks towards the seat and sits down. In 5 seconds the show corespondant


begins to speak.


"Okay I am a corespondant for the reality TV show Liberty City Survivor."


A silence is paused Mark is intriged and adjusts himself to tune in.


"In the show it stars you going to Liberty City where you will be a freeman to hunt down 29 more people."


Mark raises his brawl


"And if I win?"


Mark ask

"Then you will be a freeman...with 2 million dollars by the way"


Mark then leans back comfortablly and raises his left leg up on his other leg having his hands together.


"Well this...is...interesting" Marks says with a smurk "So youre in?"



The corespondant says. The corespondant then pulls out papers from his bag and places the papers on the desk and slides them towards Mark.


"Okay all you have to do is sign and check."


THe corespondant then pulls out a pen from his left torso pocket of his suit and slides it next to the papers in front of mark. Mark then grabs the pen and begins to sign & check


"sign here...and here...and here...and here."


THe corespandnts says as he points at the lines.


"Turn the page and check here...here...here and here."


Mark signs & checks both of the paper


"done"


Mark says The corespondant then takes the paper and places them back into his bag.


"Okay sir you should be out in no time here are the rules no leaving Liberty City"


Corespondant says


"And if I do?"


Mark says, the door then opens up 3 seconds later. A doctor comes in


"That is why you will receive this"



The corespodant says the doctor then raises his sleevse up to his left arm and rubs alchol on the shoulder and shoots the needle gun to his shoulder having a shock of pain making Mark jump


"Ah sh*t what the hell son of a bitch!!!"


Mark then rubs his shoulder with his hand


"What the f*ck is this?"


"Its the state of the art nanotracker...it lets us know where you would be at all times."


Marks rubs his shoulder more but slowly


"What happens if I take it out?"


Marks says he stopped rubbing his shoulder.


"We would know its state of the art for a reason its embedded into the blood system so...if you take it out of the blood stream we will know because of it and then you will be


disqualified...perminately...but you wouldn't have a problem because you a crime boss with alot of muscle around you so you will do good, good luck."


corespondant gets up off his seat and then leaves the room.



2 days later


(The song welcome to the jungle plays)


David Ackerman the host of Liberty City survivor along with a camereaman is on top of the majesic hotel. He is about to begin to show.The cameraman points the camera


"Alright we are starting in 3...2...1..."


He points his finger towards David to begin.


"Hello viewers my name is Danny Ackerman your host of the biggest show known to man LIBERTY...CITY....SURVIVAL!!!...WERE NATURAL SELECTION...HAS COME HOME."


The camera switiches off and goes to the visual effects of guns and explosions for 10 seconds as David during the effects says


"Spondored by Ammunition dont dial 911 dial 357". then it switches back to David.


"Hello everybody as I say again and welcome to the show In this show it stars 30 convicts all acorss Liberty City with over 3,000 weapons all across the city hunting each other down with a varierty of


mellee weapons to Highpowered bazookas. "




"About the game it includes be 1 vs 1 mode or duel, deathmatch, standoff & vendetta. If you like a person then you can support this character. Once you do he will get a lucky surpise with your


support to fuel his bloodthirsty rampage upon the other 29 people. We have a variety of criminals with a different expertise all making the game more interesting. Here are the rules no leaving Liberty


City in anyway after this its fair game and now let the game begin." It goes to the weazel news cover.


1 Hour later


Weazel News Headquaters


David faces alot of cameras of each player either on street cam or by hidden cameras & camerea men across the city.



"Okay Here we go"


3 hours later


The game has started with players searching for each other. Jake Glendalea who is one of the 30 convicts is in a rundown house in Emerey Street in Lower Alderny. He is front of a table with multiple


guns. He reaches his hands towards a AK and loads a clip in it. THen slings it over his shoulder. THen He grabs a mircro uzi and loads a clip in it as well and puts it in the back of his jeans. He then


grabs a Glock 17 and loads a clip in and cocks it back and places it in inside front of his pants. He then grabs grenades and places them each in his front pocket. He then reaches his left hand grabs a


Spas 12 that was leaning on the side of the table and grabs it and cocks it back. He then heads out of the house kicking the door open. He then walks towards his vehicle which was a


blackpresidente. He goes to the back passenger seat and places the shotgun in the back. Then closes the door and goes to the driver seat placing the AK to the passenger side of the driver. He then starts


up the car and drives west and turns on Mandrel Street as he cross the small bridge Royce Robinett ex military waits for Jacob in the end of the street. It apeared that Royce had a rambo


Rambo style to him which was a ammo belt around his topless body and combat fatigues bloosed with his combat boots. Royce faces towards Jacob in his car 10 feet away he points a M60 towards Jacob.


Jacob eyes then widened then a hail of bullets hit the car making Jacob Jerk Violenty as the bullets riddled him and the car. After a volley Jacob exits the car and falls to the ground Royce then walks


up on him


"Please..No"


Jacob says spitting up blood raising his hand. Royce then shoots jacob through the arm and to the head with a 1911 the first of many kills in the game.



To be Continued


Side Note- Forgive me for the grammar mistakes it is still being worked on thank you :)

Edited by EDDYHarris

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Mokrie Dela

There's a lot to go through here.

 

Firstly I wasn't entirely sure about the format of this. Is this a story, an interactive story or a RPG?

 

I'm going to assume that it's a straight up story.

 

stncI52.png?1
Intro
A robbery takes place in a Liberty city bank in lower Alqonquin. Part of the bank robbery is Lewis who is Mark's best friend and partner in crime & Mark Dorelli who is a boss in a deadly crime syndicate.
Firstly you're using "and" and "&" - choose one, preferably "and". Secondly, the alignment is a bit off. Nothing wrong with centered text, but the second line looks unbalanced. I would cut down the length of the first simply to make it look better.
participating in the armed robbery along 3 unnamed others as well. As the team commit the arm robbery stealing hundreds & thousands of dollars they flee the scene with with a hail of bullets from the
cops resuling in a shootout leaving only Lewis & Mark alive and the rest shot dead by police. As Mark reaches the getaway van along with Lewis, Mark shoots Lewis in the stomach stumbling to the
ground. As Lewis hits the ground Mark takes the money from Lewis and speeds off (WIth this it causes tension and later a huge conflict between the two) The police closes in on Lewis and is soon
sent to medical attention and sent to the Alderny State Correctional Facility.
3 years later...
Also, this seems a little unnecessary. You're telling us there was a bank robbery (nothing groundbreaking there) and Lewis (who is lewis?) and Mark (who is Mark?). Also why would a mob boss be going on a bank robbery himself? Seems a bit risky. I would ditch this entire paragraph, personally. The information in it isn't needed yet and can be given in a better way.
A bank robbery is a pretty exciting thing, but this entire intro has skipped through the excitement. You've just reported it in a second hand manner, and tbh it's not pulling me in as a reader.
Personally, I'd either show the robbery in a more entertaining way, or not show it at all.
A big producer in a new reality tv [Capitalize TV] show comes in on a helicopter to the Alderny State Correctional Facility. In his new reality TV show it requires 30 convicts. The top 30 most dangeous convicts
released. To murders, assasins, drug dealers, petty criminals, criminal bosses & trigger happy pyschos.
Again there's this centralised text which looks wrong - how it's distributed across lines is too uneven. Again, also, you're just telling us something (quite mundane and uninteresting tbh) has happened.
It'd be better to show us. Promote the producer to an actual character. Give him some character. Have the scene start, say, in the helicopter with him looking down over Liberty City. Have him talking to his PA, discussing their visit (you could avoid saying "we're going to a prison" and why, but still do this:

"Are you nervous, Julia?"
"No, sir. I've been in more stressful situations - like last year's audit."
The producer laughs. "This should be simple. It's a pretty big carrot we're dangling in front of them."
"You think they'll go for it?"
"Of course. Who wouldn't?")
Here you can actually show the characters and introduce them as they approach. Show them landing and being escorted under armed guards into the building and through security doors. Show the producer witnessing the transfer of the first prisoner and the security protocols - you could very effectively portray this criminal as a super dangerous person - show armed guards, two guards dragging him by the chains, his legs in chains etc.... Then as they sit down and the producer talks, the criminal could appear to be uninterested and menacing. The producer could refuse to be intimidated, or you could show him slightly scared. Either way you could, in many ways, paralel the scene in MEAN MACHINE where Jone's character Danny tries to get Monk (Jason Statham) to be on his team:
"you want to be in my football team?"
"Nah."
"We're playing the guards."
"....Aye."

At first the criminal could refuse and just be uninterested but then the carrot is given. In Mean Machine it's the chance to get one over the guards. In this story, it's the chance of freedom. Then the criminal would be : "oh hell yes" - and you could allow his character to come out a little; he could be refined and say "okay," or he could be really gung ho "oh motherf*cking yes" or something. There is a lot of potential that you've missed by simply skimming over this happening, and not delving into detail.
Danny Letreal
Criminal Job: Ex-Assasin for former mob
Specialty: small arms marksmanship, sniper marksmanship & knives
Convicted For: multiple counts of murder
Mark Patrelli
Criminal Job: Boss of deadly crime syndicate
Specialty: small arms, evading & escaping & running a criminal organization
Convicted For: Bank robbing, cop killing, & multiple accounts of murder
Lewis Nedman
Criminal Job: Bank Robber
Specialty: firearms, hand to hand combat
Convicted For: Arm robbery
4th criminal Kioji Azuka
Criminal Job: Ex-Yakuza
Specialty: hand to hand combat, firearms, and katana
Convicted For: Multiple acounts of murder
Jonathan Jeffcoat
Criminal Job: Drugs Smuggler
Specialty: Smuggling Narcotics
Convicted For: Drug charges
Antwan Andrea
Criminal Job: Car Jacker
Specialty: Vehicle Theft
Convicted For: Grand Theft and Murder
Royce Robinett
Criminal Job: Mercenary
Specialty: Ex-military
Convicted For: Arms trafficking & murder
Garret Gaddis
Criminal Job: Street Gang Boss
Specialty: asssault with force & weapons
Convicted For: Multiple accounts for murder
Alejandro Anstine
Criminal Job: Enforcer for mob
Specialty: Interrogation & firearms
Convicted For: Murder & asssault
Dwayne Delee
Criminal Job: Street soldier for gang in North Holland Hustlers
Specialty: Handguns
Convicted For: Drug and Murder charges
Ambrose Atterberry
Criminal Job: Arms Trafficking
Specialty: Fire arms
Convicted For: Arms trafficking
Jerrod Jolliff
Criminal Job: Killer
Specialty: Evading police custody
Convicted For: Cop Killing
Bob Blackstock
Criminal Job: Computer Hacker
Specialty: Escape & Evade & Computer Hacker
Convicted For: Stealing Electronic information
Donnell Degarmo
Criminal Job: Kingpin cartel in Bohan
Specialty: Durg Trafficking, Murder & Running a Drug Organization
Convicted For: Drug Conspiracy
Bryant Bialek
Criminal Job: Serial Killer
Specialty: Killing with knives
Convicted For: Multiple acounts of homicides
Clair Cushing
Criminal Job: Ex Soldier for mob
Specialty: Hand to hand combat
Convicted For: Murder & manslaughter
Lawrence Lattimer
Criminal Job: Drug Dealer in Broker
Specialty: Drug extortion
Convicted For: Drug Charges & cop killing
Valentine Vowels
Criminal Job: Human Smuggling
Specialty: Concealing & Hiding weapons
Convicted For: Arms & Humans trafficking
Darius Doshier
Criminal Job: Soldier for Russian Mob in Broker
Specialty: Money Laundering, Extortion & firearms
Convicted For: Murder, Assault & Battery & Brbibery
Calvin Crosby
Criminal Job: Petty Arms Dealer
Specialty: N/A
Convicted For: Gun Charges
Bryon Bergh
Criminal Job: Ex Assasin
Specialty: sub machine guns & handguns
Convicted For: Armed battery, attempt murder & criminal homicide
Donnie Dawson
Criminal Job: Triad Soldier
Specialty: Knives & melle weaposn
Convicted For: Murder
Harlan Haye
Criminal Job: Hustler
Specialty: Selling & Dealing Narcotics
Convicted For: Drug Charges
Solomon Simmonds
Criminal Job: Psycho
Specialty: Killing & heavy weaponry
Convicted For: Mulitple acounts of murder & cop killing
Jake Glendale
Criminal Job: Criminal Robber
Specialty: N/A
Convicted For: Armed Robbery & Murder
Each criminal is released seperateley across Liberty City with a nanotracking chip implanted in them.
Now this is where I began to think this was a RPG or interactive or concept. Usually stories don't have a long list of characters - this is something found in concepts and RPGs. It feels out of place, if this is a story. Ditch it. Each character can be introduced as the story goes (have you played the original Assassin's Creed? This game introduces your targets as you receive the order - distributed across the story. One then the other. Not all in one go.That would work better here imo.)
The important thing to note at this point is who the protagonist is. It's about time he made an entrance, and the perspective of the story should remain with him (if that's what you want. More on that later). I'm guessing it's Mark.
Mark Porelli is walking through the cell going to a small visiting room in the east wing of the prison with a show corespondant waiting for him. He enters the room and the door is shut 5 seconds later he looks at the show corespondant with no emotions and the
show corespondant looks at him in joy.
This is a bit messy. Again the formatting is in question - why all these random new lines? A couple of spelling errors (a word processor program should fix that easily and so should a proof read). Also, it still feels like you're impatient, like you've written this and immediately uploaded. I think a little more time and care needs to go into it; give yourself a chance to pad out the scenes and inject details in. Show more, tell less.
"Mr Porelli...please sit" (he uses his hand to point at the chair across from him). Text shouldn't be in brackets here. Missing full stop after Sit, too and "he" should be capitalized.
Mark takes a glance at the seat he pointed towards and turns his head to the door behind. He then walks towards the seat and sits down. In five seconds the show corespondent begins to speak.
"Okay I am a corespondent for the reality TV show Liberty City Survivor."
Mark is intrigued, and sits still, staring for a moment.
"In the show it stars you going to Liberty City where you will be a free man to hunt down twenty nine more people."
Mark raises his brow. [Not brawl]
"And if I win?" Mark asks.
"Then you will be a free man...with two million dollars, by the way." Missing fullstop at the end here, and Free man is two words. I also don't like seeing "2" in prose - spell the words out fully. It looks better.
Mark then leans back comfortably and raises his left leg up on his other leg having his hands together. You could simply say "and crosses his legs," here
"Well this...is...interesting" Marks says with a smurk
"So you're in?" New speaker=new line. Also missing apostrophe in youre - you are - you're. the corespondent says. The corespondent then pulls out papers from his bag and slides them across the table. I think briefcase would work more than bag here. Too many ands here too for my liking. I've trimmed it down. "Okay all you have to do is sign." As the same speaker is talking, it can be on the same line.
The corespondent then pulls out a pen from the left torso pocket of his suit and slides it next to the papers in front of Mark. CAPITAL LETTER for names. Mark then grabs the pen and begins to sign & check Again, the ampersand is un-needed. use "and"
"sign here...and here...and here...and here." Ordinarily the suit would say this Mark would sign. The corespondents says as he points at the lines. "Turn the page and check here...here...here and here."
Mark signs & checks both of the paper. Full stop
"Done." Capital letter at the start, comma at the end (because "Mark says"). Mark says [FULL STOP] The corespondent then takes the paper and places them back into his bag.
"Okay sir you should be out in no time. [full stop] here are the rules: no leaving Liberty City," the corespondent says
"And if I do?"
The door then opens up and a doctor comes in.
"That is why you will receive this," the corespodant says. The doctor then rolls Mark's sleeves up and rubs alchol on the shoulder. He shoots a needle gun into MArk's shoulder.
Mark flinched. "Ah sh*t! What the hell? Son of a bitch!"
The doctor steps back.
"What the f*ck is this?" Mark demands, rubbing his shoulder.
"It's a state of the art nanotracker... It lets us know where you are at all times."
Mark rubs his shoulder slower.
"What happens if I take it out?" Marks says as he stops rubbing his shoulder.
"We would know. It's state of the art for a reason. It's embedded into the blood system so if you take it out of the blood stream we will know, and then you will be disqualified... permanently. But you wouldn't have a problem, because you a crime boss with a lot of muscle around you so you will do good. Good luck."
The corespondent gets up off his seat and then leaves the room.
2 days later
(The song welcome to the jungle plays) This is the sort of thing that appears in concepts and scripts. Better to either work it in to the text or not at all. I included a song in something and the problem was, as someone pointed out, that not everyone will know the song. Therefore those that don't will miss the reference and might feel excluded.
David Ackerman, the host of Liberty City survivor along with a cameraman is on top of the Majesic hotel. He is about to begin to show. The cameraman points the camera
"Alright we are starting in 3...2...1..."
He points his finger towards David to begin.
"Hello viewers my name is Danny Ackerman your host of the biggest show known to man: LIBERTY...CITY....SURVIVAL!!!...WHERE NATURAL SELECTION...HAS COME HOME."
The camera switches off and goes to the visual effects of guns and explosions for 10 seconds as David during the effects says.
"Spondored by Ammunition. Don't dial 911, dial 357". Then it switches back to David.
"Hello everybody. As I say again and welcome to the show. In this show it stars 30 convicts all across Liberty City with over 3,000 weapons all across the city hunting each other down with a variety of mellee weapons to Highpowered bazookas. "
Not a great intro speech tbh. Too clumsy.

I'm going to stop there as I'm out of time!

But i think this needs a lot more work. A lot of spelling errors (easy to fix with a spellchecker) and the actual text/speech itself is very awkward. It's not flowing well. It sounds too matter-of-fact, too unattached, too report-like. You tell us that this happened, then that, but you need to show us.
When the helicopter lands, have the characters step off and allow the reader to witness the turbulence from the rotors, have their unease shown etc

 

Take some more time, allow yourself to go into the right details. Allow the reader to step into the scene.

 

It's an interesting idea, at least, and i can see it being something like Running Man or Gamer, but it needs a lot of work imo.

I'm actually going to post a topic with some basics - check that out when it's up.

In the meantime read some stories by other people and do some edit/proof reading. Once you've written your chapter/scene/story, read through it. Pick out what's wrong and what can be better. Ask yourself if it sounds right. Check your spelling and tense and perspective.

 

I'll check up on this at a later date.

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Ziggy455

Story-wise:

Liberty City Survival is a topic which I've seen in a few fanfics, and while the premise does sound promising, I just feel like you're going to finish this. From what you've shown me, and what Mokrie's said though, shows me that the way you're presenting it is actually the worst way. I don't want to see a simple explanation of the events. I'd like you to is look at your opening explanation:

 

A robbery takes place in Liberty city bank in lower Alqonquin. Part of the bank robbery is Lewis who is Marks bestfriend and partner in crime & Mark Dorelli who is a boss in a deadly crime syndicate participating in the armed robbery along 3 unnamed others as well. As the team commit the arm robbery stealing hundreds & thousands of dollars they flee the scene with with a hail of bullets from the cops resuling in a shootout leaving only Lewis & Mark alive and the rest shot dead by police. As Mark reaches the getaway van along with Lewis, Mark shoots Lewis in the stomach stumbling to the ground. As Lewis hits the ground Mark takes the money from Lewis and speeds off (WIth this it causes tension and later a huge conflict between the two) The police closes in on Lewis and is soon sent to medical attention and sent to the Alderny State Correctional Facility.

 

 

This entire scene has been told to me. I don't want you to tell me anything. I want to be shown it. I'd like you to try giving me all of this information, without telling anything and showing me everything, in under a thousand words.

 

Structure-wise, there's plenty of typos and such. I think this needs an extremely large overhaul of its style and everything else before this takes off.

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