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Trillest

Why We Exist

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Trillest

So here's a short story I wrote that I'd like to share with you. It's pretty strange, to say the least. And so, without further ado I present to you:

 

"Why We Exist"

Once upon a bleak, black night, I sat in a comfy easy chair by the fire, pondering why we exist, when all of a sudden there came a loud crash from the kitchen. I hesitated for a second or two, then immediately got up and went to investigate. Upon opening the large wooden door, I spotted something that looked quite extraordinary. It was me! Well, more or less. This version of me had a mustache, and looked older, much older. I reached out my hand and touched his scabby, hairy cheek. He opened his eyes and slowly raised his head, groaning in the process. I stepped back a couple inches, fearing that I made him angry, but he simply stared at me with sad, droopy eyes.

 

I decided to speak to him, choosing my words very carefully, "As you can clearly see, I am you, and you are me, but how can this be?". The only effect my words had on him was a more pronounced frown. Thinking that he must be thirsty, or maybe just trying to keep myself occupied so I could avoid his depressing gaze, I provided him with a glass of water. As soon as I put into his thin, bony hand, he dropped it. Shards of glass launched in all directions, and the water formed a little, pathetic puddle. His eyes drooped even more, and I think there was even some tears. He stared at the puddle for what seemed like eternity, trying to think of what to do, I assumed. As I was about to go over and see if I could assist, he slowly reached his head down, groaning loudly, and when his mouth was about a inch away from the puddle, he reached out his dry, cracked tongue and slowly but surely lapped up the water, like a dog.

 

It was heartbreaking to look at, even more so considering that he was me. After he slurped up every last drop, he brought his head back up at a grueling pace and finally was staring at me again. But this time, he actually spoke. "Please, listen to this warning, and listen well". His speech was slow and discombobulated, but I could still make out every word. He continued. "They are coming for you. They know what you did". Chills were running down my spine. I said in a scared voice "Who is coming for me? What did I do?". He shook his head while biting his lip in pain, and then said "There is no time, you must flee". "But!", I stammered, hoping I could get at least some sort of clue.

 

"FLEE!", he shouted in a loud and surprising strong voice. All the life seemed to drain out of him, his head slowly sank to the ground, his body went rigid, and I knew that he had passed away. What I didn't understand was why I wasn't dead as well. He is me, and if he died, shouldn't I have too? But this was no time to think about complex things such as that, I had to heed his warning and flee. As I turned to run out the door, what stood there shocked me. It was an ugly creature, dull green in color, big bulging eyes, and an oversized head and uneven body. It smiled at me, and showed sharp, pointy, yellow crusted teeth. It's breath smelled rancid. Before I could utter a scream, the creature reached out a hand the size of a bowling ball and grabbed my arm.

 

It turned and walked out of the kitchen, awkwardly dragging me along. It lead me through the hallway and out my front door, onto the dew plastered lawn, and there sat a huge futuristic spaceship. What frightened me the most was several of the same creatures guarding the ship. My captor dragged me to the one standing right in front of the entrance ramp, and spoke in a language I couldn't comprehend. The guard laughed, nodded, and walked to the side, letting us walk up into the main part. Sweat was dripping off my face as we made the climb, and finally we arrived. Hundreds of menacing looking gadgets were strewn all over the place. I gawked at them as the creature led me to a stainless steel table. It finally released the bone crushing grip it had on my arm, and pointed to the table, grinning.

 

I reluctantly laid on the cold surface, preparing for the worst. The creature injected me with a substance, and I fell into a deep sleep. I have several memories of the horrible things those creatures did to me throughout the time I spent with them, but I do not wish to relay them to you, as they are far too gruesome. Finally, they allowed me to leave, so I used the onboard time machine to travel back in time to a bleak, black night. I returned to my house, and tried to warn my younger self about the approaching doom. But, he did not heed the warning in time, and the process repeated it's self, and it will until the end of time. Sadly, it's a big circle that just goes on and on. And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't ponder why we exist.

Edited by Ray Margarita

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ainsz

Funny story. I'd suggest the title simply be 'Why We Exist'. How come he goes back in time over and over though?

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Trillest

Thanks for the suggestion. He goes back in time over and over to try to warn his younger self about the creatures, but as you can see, it never works out.

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ainsz

I mean how?

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Trillest

Thanks for pointing out this plot hole, I'm going to edit the story so it makes more sense.

 

Edit: It's been fixed. Reread the last few sentences :)

Edited by Ray Margarita

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ainsz

haha, subtle change but effective. Not bad.

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Mokrie Dela

Not a bad short. A few minor errors, and one major one:

 

formatting.

 

It's a wall of text, and it was difficult to read. New speakers go onto a new line, not carry on on the last one, and you could easily split this up into paragraphs.

 

I kind of liked how the story ends in a sort of loop - the character going back in time and warning himself. But two things:

 

1 - why cut it so finely? What stops him going back another couple of hours and giving himself time to escape?

 

2 - what did he do, who are they and how did they find out? Indeed, you might want that kept a mystery, but it's a question I found myself wanting answered

 

Another point about the time travel; if he did travel back and successfully warn his older self, then that would result in a paradox; the story goes the way it'd have to go. If he escaped, he'd not get captured and then not travel back to warn himself - and thus not be able to escape....

 

All in all, not a bad little read, really.

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Trillest

I apologize for it being a wall of text, I will make sure to use paragraphs from now on :) And yes, I realize that there are some plot holes, but it was my intention to keep this story simple and easy to follow, so I had to disregard some of the inaccuracies you mentioned. As who are they and how did they know, I intend to write a companion piece that explains it all. Stay tuned!

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Ziggy455

Story-wise, it's pretty solid, but this starts out as a strong opening and then halfway through, you just begin sort of telling me the story. It started with you showing me his doppelgänger, showing me how he was seeing his double and then the second we get on the ship you just explain the ending and it cuts the power of the story dead. Also, Mokrie mentioned a massive wall of text. Perhaps cutting it into paragraphs would help as not many people enjoy reading just a wall of the stuff.

 

I love the way it opened but it died when we got to the end because you just spliced in the ending very quickly to explain the situation. You could have found a way to show him going back in the loop to warn himself without telling us and it would have come off much better. I'd re-read it if you strengthened it up with a re-write though.

 

Structure-wise:

 

 

Once upon a bleak, black night, I sat in a comfy easy chair by the fire, pondering why we exist, when all of a sudden there come a loud crash from the kitchen.

 

Your writing is good, but maybe a second re-write could remove typos, and little mistakes, such as this; come should be came. Besides that, I'm sure you will notice the simple changes needed with your spelling and stuff. :) PM me if you need any extra help.

Edited by Ziggy455

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