A:SA:AN (Alternative San Andreas Alternative News) report: Poledancing

[GaiaStorlunge]

Edit: Thread title should read "Poledancing cops and monkeys on lawnmowers". But thats too long...

Edit: Plenty evidence of Manuel Garcia dancing in the thread "Hacker turned my cop character into a pole dancer"

 

"Poledancing cops and monkeys on lawnmowers"

 

On multiple occasions the last weeks, bizarre events have riddled the residents of San Andreas. The mystery of these events have forced the question: Who or what is causing these events to take place, seemingly defying the physical laws of the GTA universe?

 

There have been sightings of monkeys riding lawnmowers, aliens and astronauts in the streets, tanks moving at speeds exceeding 1000MpH, cars mysteriously disappearing from garages into thin air despite being insured and with a tracker, and most recently: two separate incidents of flashmobs suddenly appearing out of thin air, dancing vigorously and excotically as if they were strippers.

 

There are many theories as to what is causing this, but evidence is hard to come by. Some say that a spill of research chemicals from the Humane Labs has polluted the drinking water. Others claim to have seen a portal open over Mt.Chiliad through which unknown things passed, while a few people seem to think that a rift in the space-time-continuum is the cause of the oddities taking place.

 

This is for certain, though: There are strange things going on in San Andreas at the moment, and this reporter is on a quest to find the Truth.

 

We were able to talk to an informant who wants to remain anonymous; a deeply disturbing, but well-informed, middle-aged man dwelling in a fortress of surveillance technology in Los Santos. He shared With us his thought on this matter:

 

"THEY are behind this! THEY run everything here in San Andreas!" When asked who THEY are, he continues: "The lying, cheating psychopath Martin Madrazo and the elitist private army owner Devin Weston; they are a part of it for sure! And Dave Norton, the FIB scumbag is also with THEM. These crazy things happening; it's because THEY are trying out new ways of sending messages directly into our minds, commanding the unsuspecting public to dance gracefully. It's all part of a covert operation developing ways to control the minds of men."

 

Lester...the anonymous informant pauses briefly before continuing.

 

"And women, THEY are definitely trying to Control the minds of women, too. But their minds are much harder to Control, since half the time women don't even know themselves what is going on in there. I don't know much about women, though,other than how they look through a fisheye lens hidden in a public shower."

 

We leave his house, not convinced that this man has all his marbles still in the bag, but still searching for the Truth. Considering the span in these events, ranging from flashmobs to monkeys on lawnmowers and naked old men raping video game developers while recording it; we are sure that something big is up, and it's not just this reporters genitalia.

 

Our search for the Truth continues north to Blaine County, where we catch up with one of the "dancers" from a flashmob incident last night at Bolingbroke Penitentiary. Correctional facility officer Manuel Garcia, a resident of Richards Majestic with an additional garage in Grand Senora, wishes to remain anonymous so we'll call him "Manny".

 

 

"I had just finished my shift," Manny says, "and was doing some off-roading on my Ruffian when it happened. I saw a bright flash, and then I lost all control over my body. It was like I was being controlled by somebody or something else; I don't even remember how I got back to the prison - least of all dancing in such a gentle and gracious way. There were several others doing the same thing. We were puppets being controlled and manipulated by some unsees mystical force; a force able to exceed the boundaries of physical laws. Kind of like MacGyver, you know?"

 

Hiding his face in his palm while shaking his head from side to side, Manny continues with a trembling voice: "I have seen pictures of what i did, and I am soo embarassed. Thats's just not suitable conduct for a prison officer and an alpha-male. I mean; I'm more the "drag-you-screaming-down-to-the-boiler-room-and-molest-you-with-a-nightstick"-kind of guy, but now every Tom, Dick and Harry of the D-block shouts at me to dance with them, and they leave flowers by my gun locker with sweet notes pinned to them asking me to join them for tea and scones. The prisoners used to call me Kalashnikov - 'cause I'm lethal and dangerous and people were afraid of me - but now I get no respect and they call me Baryshnikov instead."

 

Upon being asked how else his life has been affected by the incident, Manny replies: "I have anxiety attacks now, worrying that I might again turn into a pu**y a** puppet with no control over my movement - like that "Dancing with the Stars"-show, you know?"

He sighs before continuing: "And I am suspended from work now under suspicion of drug abuse. The warden refuses to believe that this didn't happen bacause I was high, so there will be an investigation. I can't believe he doesn't realize that my being high had nothing to do with this happening! I mean, I come to work high on various substances every day, and the warden knows that I never do this kind of stuff - even while I'm high! Or, at least I don't REMEMBER doing anything like this before... In public, that is.."

 

"Regardless of the outcome of the investigation," Manny continues, "I can't work here at the prison anymore. My reputation is destroyed. Fortunately, I just received a job offer from the owner of "Vanilla Unicorn", so I won't starve or have to get sober or anything bad like that. He is opening a sub-branch of clubs called "Chocolate Horses" and wants me to come down for a chat. I don't know excactly what the job is, but he said I'd be perfect for it. He said he'd heard good things about me recently, so I guess someone at the prison told him about my prowess as a prison officer and he needs a head of security. What else could it be?" Manny finishes as we slowly leave him behind in his secret hiding place behind the AmmuNation on Route 68 in Grand Senora Desert. This reporter shakes his head in disbelief and wishes the anonymous "Manny" the best of luck. He will need it.

 

Our journey ends at Vanilla Unicorn, where we witness another bizarre event right before our very eyes; a bearded lady calling herself Conchita Little Clam Sausage. Truly bizarre and not something you see everyday even in San Andreas.

 

 

Little Clam Sausage claims to have the answer to why the world is turning upside down, and says it's caused by stress.

"Too much time spent chasing around the city, scared for your life at every turn and in a struggling financial situation; it's no wonder people need to go on tilt and blow off some steam by dancing wildly or anally raping video game devs! What people need to do is to ride their pedal bike out of the city to the countryside, take of their hockeymask or remove the facepaint so you can feel the wind hit your face. Remove the ear defenders so you can hear the birds and animals; though strangely without ever seeing a single animals making the sounds. Do some yoga on a mountain, feel tha grass between your toes or do whatever you need to relieve some tension. Hell, pick your nose or jerk off and throw it at someone if thats what it takes. Just blow off some steam before you end up dancing ballett in the moonlight or wearing a dress together with a beard," (s)he finishes.

 

This reporter thinks that sounds like a smart idea, and suggests Mr./Ms. Sausage follows that advice sometime soon.

 

So, what have we learned about these crazy events? Not much at all, I'm afraid. We did not find the Truth, neither did we find out who or what is causing these crazy things happening in San Andreas. Rumors have it that he has taken the name "Omega" and moved out of Flint County, and that the Truth still is out there just like Mulder and Scully told us.

 

Is there a greater conspiracy? Is this flashmob dancing-behaviour something primal forcing itself to Expression? Or are people just wasted on crystal meth? This reporter does not claim to know the Truth, neither do I know the answers to the questions I just asked.

 

 

 

(tl:dr Bored at work, attempt at being creative)

(@Dilkington: Hope you dont mind this homage to SA:AN)

Edited May 22, 2014 by GaiaStorlunge

[H8GodMode]

lol...

[Mr. Rocko]

Where's the random 2 pictures to go with it

[Fennimoe]

Not gonna lie... Read the entire thing. lol

[Sugar Free Nos]

Get back to work, slacker!

[GaiaStorlunge]

@SugarFreeNos Slow day at the office, plenty of time to write between calls..