Calling it quits... or not

[Coin]

Given the rousing success of this thread by Cuse, I am somewhat inspired to post here and postulate myself before you Gen Chat of GTAF, for I need your help. Or advice. Given that the reprobates I call friends are, for all intents and purposes, unintelligible and might as well be caveman, you are my last hope.

 

See, I've found myself in a bit of a pickle. A jam. A quandary. I recently started dating (recently being about a fortnight) a lass who, for several months prior, had been engaging no strings attached, utterly meaningless casual sex. What you might call a f*ck buddy, or friend with benefits. Unfortunately, I cannot report that it is as good as Hollywood depicts it to be in the movie Friends with Benefits (safe for work) because it isn't. Okay, that might have something to do with me not looking like Justin Timberlake, nor her Mila Kunis but I can't imagine it being that good in real life even for really ridiculously good looking people like them.

 

Then, rather sneakingly I must admit, she dropped a parent bomb and started wanting more. My first response was f*ck that, I'm out of here. Let's take this interlude to mention that I shouldn't be considered the hero of this story, I'm an asshole, I confess - don't crucify me too harshly. I took a bow, exited stage right and got the hell out of Dodge. I enjoyed her company well enough, I suppose, but I did not see her as relationship material. Too vapid or ditzy for my tastes, or so I had adjudged.

 

But then a few days later I had an epiphany. I recalled an ex-girlfriend of mine, and the only woman whom I could honestly and truthfully say that I was in love with. See, when I first met this ex-girlfriend, I hated her. She annoyed me. Got under my skin etc etc. And this carried on for three long and arduous years (give or take a couple of months) of which our respective social circles caused our repeated interactions. Then, eventually, something gave in. We actually found that we shared interests on a number of things, and before you knew it, were discussing the possibility of children in the "future".

 

The moral of the story? Given enough time a weed might blossom into a beautiful flower. No, I've gone and mucked that one royally up haven't I? The idea remains the same, though; give something a chance and you might be surprised.

 

So armed with that epiphany, I re-engaged the subject with her and decided to give it a shot. It's not like I have/had a whole lot to lose anyway. Which now brings us forward to the most present time. And almost upon that of which I require assistance. This weekend just gone (unless you're in the US at time of posting), we decided to go up the coast for couple of nights, get a hotel room, see the sights (she also had a seminar pertaining to her law degree, so it made sense to make a weekend of it).

 

Where we went isn't too far from here, so we left early Saturday night (having already planned the night's festivities). Dinner, followed by a movie, at which point we parted ways. She wanted to go clubbing with her friends, so I encouraged her to do so in the knowledge that I wouldn't be joining her. I hate night clubs; crowded, expensive drinks, sh*t music and to make matters worse, I only rarely drink these days (usually at relaxed social gatherings and only a few beers even then) because quite frankly I can think of better ways to spend my Sunday than spent hovering over the toilet bowl. So I retire to the hotel room for the night. I had actually brought my xbox as it were, so I was killing time on GTA, best boyfriend ever amiright?

 

At about 4:30am she stumbles into the hotel room, drunk. Fair enough, been there and done that more times than I care to count. Except that she stumbles in with a guy in toe, and I know that none of the friends she went clubbing with were guys (unless they had undergone and fully recovered from sex change surgery in only a couple of hours). He looks at me, realises what he is getting himself into and leaves.

 

She drunk-rambles an explanation, but I'm no longer fluent in drunk-speak so whatever, I'm just sage like calm, nod and help her into bed. To be honest, I wasn't even mad so much as I was insulted by this occurrence. I leave the room and stew over it for a couple of hours; before I pack myself stuff (sun's up by this point), get in the car and drive home. I do this without being in possession of a license, risky and/or stupid perhaps, but this is my car and I wasn't going to leave it there and trouble someone else for a ride home to boot (I warned you I wasn't the hero of this story ).

 

It's Monday here now though. I've got about 25 missed calls, last I bothered to check my phone. I've yet to answer, read texts or check voice mails.

 

And thus, now, I am needing advice. Do I cut my losses? Listen to what she has to say? Give this more time so it turns into something I am more inclined to care about? Fake my own death in a most horrific fashion?

 

Hit me. Don't be shy. Don't hold back. And for love of all things Internet, don't leave your humour at the door even if this of a somewhat serious nature. I expect mockery, nay, I welcome it and enjoy it. Same goes with hilarious solutions to this. BRING IT ON

 

And for the tl:dr crowd, this post is definitely worthy of it, no doubt. Don't shy away, know that I still love you just the same even if you read only this sentence OR none at all.

Edited May 5, 2014 by Insert-Coin-To-Continue

[a20characterusername]

Cuts your losses and move on. A leopard doesn't change their spots, et cetera.

[Saikou]

Man, I swear I'm not one to TL;DR too often but holy sh*t... This is a HUGE f*cking thread... God damn...

 

My advice; Don't give a damn, and move on if sh*t goes wrong. sh*t happens.

 

[S0lo]

read the messages, listen to the voice mails, here what she has to say. then decide. people make mistakes. that's what makes them human. but maybe i'm just a soft wuss when it comes to other people's mistakes. i'd hate myself forever if i did what she did.

 

that's about it. i'm not that great at giving advice, you might notice.

[THE GHETTO JEZUS]

Not sure what's going on but I would say, just go with the flow

[SolidSnails]

Move on and at least your not the guy who stole his buddys taxi on topic she wont change.

[Raavi]

This was a rather enjoyable read, I applaud you for that. Have you considered that the feller might have either been A. An opportunistic cockplucker taking advantage of your female companion's inebriated state, or B. A genuine concerned nice guy escorting her to the hotel room perhaps silently hoping she would invite him in and give his willy a wally? If neither is the case I'd keep my bags packed if I were you.

[Killerdude]

Can't change nature, Call it quits and GTFO, She won't change, They never do..

[SolidSnails]

This was a rather enjoyable read, I applaud you for that. Have you considered that the feller might have either been A. An opportunistic cockplucker taking advantage of your female companion's inebriated state, or B. A genuine concerned nice guy escorting her to the hotel room perhaps silently hoping she would invite him in and give his willy a wally? If neither is the case I'd keep my bags packed if I were you.

maybe she wanted to transfer some data via usb to usb port?

[IVIechanomics]

Cuts your losses and move on. A leopard doesn't change their spots, et cetera.

Exactly this. If I've learned one thing, it appears to be what you're learning now. When you meet someone, don't ignore red flags that come up. Your intuition is usually right, no matter the reasons. I have also learned that regardless of what they might explain to you, what they might say, commonly if a person cheats they'll do it again. Listening to her reasoning and anything else she may have to say will only make it harder to do what you need to do. Erase the texts, voicemails, whatever, and don't contact her again. It may seem harsh, but like I said, further contact will only make it harder.

[Kirsty]

Wouldn't you rather walk away knowing you made the right decision, than not hear her explanation and wonder what it could have been all along?

 

I don't know this girl or the state of your former or new relationship with her, but she agreed to put the effort back in to giving it another go with you, went away with you etc, there could be 101 reasons why she came back with a guy. She could have been drugged / excessively drunk and he took advantage, she could have accepted a lift home knowing she was in a bad state but didn't have bad intentions (he may of, but luckily you were there when he arrived..) Or she simply could have forgotten you were at the hotel room because she didn't give a sh*t and was about to 'cheat' (are you even officially back together at this point?).

 

Either way, I'd rather know the explanation than ditch her from your own (or GTAForums) interpretation of a situation without knowing the information. There might be a sincere reason just as much as there might be one you don't really want to hear.

 

At least see what she has to say before you lose the chance to rekindle completely. A lot of stubbornness can grow on her part from you repeatedly ignoring her and not being adult enough to face her over it. There are two sides to every story. It might not be a good outcome and it could turn out you don't want to pursue it after finding out, but at least be honest enough to say so and then move on knowing you cleared the air and are better off.

[IVIechanomics]

Wouldn't you rather walk away knowing you made the right decision, than not hear her explanation and wonder what it could have been all along?

 

I don't know this girl or the state of your former or new relationship with her, but she agreed to put the effort back in to giving it another go with you, went away with you etc, there could be 101 reasons why she came back with a guy. She could have been drugged / excessively drunk and he took advantage, she could have accepted a lift home knowing she was in a bad state but didn't have bad intentions (he may of, but luckily you were there when he arrived..) Or she simply could have forgotten you were at the hotel room because she didn't give a sh*t and was about to 'cheat' (are you even officially back together at this point?).

 

Either way, I'd rather know the explanation than ditch her from your own (or GTAForums) interpretation of a situation without knowing the information. There might be a sincere reason just as much as there might be one you don't really want to hear.

 

At least see what she has to say before you lose the chance to rekindle completely. A lot of stubbornness can grow on her part from you repeatedly ignoring her and not being adult enough to face her over it. There are two sides to every story. It might not be a good outcome and it could turn out you don't want to pursue it after finding out, but at least be honest enough to say so and then move on knowing you cleared the air and are better off.

But he has no idea if she'd be telling the truth regardless of her explanation.

[Kirsty]

But he has no idea if she'd be telling the truth regardless of her explanation.

 

That's very true, but he (or even we) equally has no idea how to judge a situation without the other party responding. He's known this person for quite a few years, from hating her to loving her, he must still possess some intuition about her and whether she might be telling the truth. If there's even an ounce of doubt and he can't trust her, then he can come away knowing he made the right decision to part ways.

[IVIechanomics]

 

But he has no idea if she'd be telling the truth regardless of her explanation.

 

That's very true, but he (or even we) equally has no idea how to judge a situation without the other party responding. He's known this person for quite a few years, from hating her to loving her, he must still possess some intuition about her and whether she might be telling the truth. If there's even an ounce of doubt and he can't trust her, then he can come away knowing he made the right decision to part ways.

 

I understand and agree to an extent, maybe I'm speaking too much from personal experience. However, what it all comes down to is that it's a risk either way. Yes it may be necessary to talk to her to use said intuition to know if she's lying when confronted with the reasoning, but chances are, even if he knows she's lying, depending on what type of person he is, it may make it that much harder to part ways still. Of course, my opinions are sort of strict to begin with as I don't think she should have really gotten herself that drunk, and surely one of her female friends could have helped her get home instead of the guy. The guy leaving without really explaining or anything seems fishy to me as well...

[Coin]

Just to be clear, because I've inadvertently caused some confusion, the ex I mentioned is not the same person as the current girlfriend. I was merely using the ex scenario as the reasoning for my giving this girl a chance even though I wasn't into her beyond the casual sex we had going on.

 

Although I did love my ex, and to some extent still do, there isn't a chance in hell that I would ever consider getting back together with her as being a feasible possibility.

 

read the messages, listen to the voice mails, here what she has to say. then decide. people make mistakes. that's what makes them human. but maybe i'm just a soft wuss when it comes to other people's mistakes. i'd hate myself forever if i did what she did.

 

that's about it. i'm not that great at giving advice, you might notice.

 

You always undersell your advice giving abilities, King S0lo, but not once have you lead me astray.

 

Phone battery's dead now, so I'll have to juice her back up and see what I can see. Side note: The batteries Samsung use in their Galaxy line of phones sucks.

 

This was a rather enjoyable read, I applaud you for that. Have you considered that the feller might have either been A. An opportunistic cockplucker taking advantage of your female companion's inebriated state, or B. A genuine concerned nice guy escorting her to the hotel room perhaps silently hoping she would invite him in and give his willy a wally? If neither is the case I'd keep my bags packed if I were you.

 

I've always subscribed to the thought school that if you are going to write a novel for an OP, you might as well try and make it interesting.

 

I do believe that I've considered both of those scenarios as a possibility, and it's probably part of the reason why I'm somewhat chill (or at least not as mad as one could be, anyway). The other part of that would be that I'm not exactly emotionally invested in the relationship as of yet. To use a poor analogy, I've just been handed a life raft so I can jump overboard from a ship I wasn't particularly enthused about being on anyway.

 

And that sounds bad to say, or at least it does to me. Which is why I haven't taken that option as of yet. I'd likely feel bad about doing so. If I'm going to be an asshole, I prefer to do it for the good reasons. Yup, I'm a humanitarian asshole. If that were possible.

 

To those who are saying people don't change.. nah, I don't buy that. Chloe -might as well put a name to the story right?- is only 19 (I'm still a spring chicken myself at 26) and still has quite a bit she has yet to experience, I mean in at least comparison to myself (much much more when compared to others, of course). And I do believe that those experiences shape a person, for better or worse.

 

I've also known Chloe's older sister for quite a long time (same year at high school, all the way through so 14 years roughly), so if I wasn't to believe an offered explanation, sp she's an outlet that can be used to cut through the bs. Not that I want to, dealing with her makes me feel like Squeak from Basketball (see clip below).

 

 

For those waiting on more info, I can readily assure you that my username/display name is not fish<lots of numbers> (or is it fishy?) and as such, when I make threads I do indeed read and reply to responses here within.

[IVIechanomics]

Well, if you're not emotionally invested in the girl then sure, there's no real reason for you not to at least listen to her reasoning and go from there.

 

EDIT: About the bit about people changing. I never used to believe the phrase either, and it's not always true with certain things. With that said, with relationship habits it's commonly a true statement.

Edited May 5, 2014 by IVIechanomics

[Xyn]

See, I've found myself in a bit of a pickle. A jam. A quandary. I recently started dating (recently being about a fortnight) a lass who, for several months prior, had been engaging no strings attached, utterly meaningless casual sex. What you might call a f*ck buddy

I see no jam nor pickle... well, I could in theory see the eventual jam (ba-dum, tss).

Also, screw night clubs; go raving!

 

 

Ok, in all seriousness:

 

Regrading your hotel night experience:

While you did the right thing, you did it in an assholish manner.

 

And there's nothing wrong with that actually. It gets your point across pretty while still going out like a sir(because you didn't make a scene by kicking the guy's ass or demanding an explanation from her); "you're not going to accept this type of sh*t. You (her) are in total liberty to snog all of the city if you want, just don't expect me to hang around for it".

 

I wouldn't answer her messages, no matter how demanding or insistent.

If she really cares, she'd go see you in person & not try to localize you in a way that causes the least inconvenience possible to her. Then again, I'm not sure there's that much to explain; if my ex had done that, I probably wouldn't have needed much to put 2+2 together.

 

Can she change? Probably, but that doesn't automatically dispose her previous ways. it'll take a lot to tip the scales back to good standing. Then again, I really don't believe in change.

 

But it's really your call; if you really have feelings for her still, I guess you should talk it out. If you have doubts, I wouldn't bother...

 

 

Oh & about your 1st girl; I agree 100%; get the f*ck out of dodge.

Edited May 5, 2014 by Xyn

[Beautiful Disaster]

Not knowing her, and purely going on your description, I would say cut your losses. You're not even into her? You gave her a chance because of past experiences, and after a minute of dating she drunkenly brought a guy to your hotel room...? I really don't see why this is even a question.

 

She seems like a mess. You gave her a chance and this is what happened. Good on you, but move on and try and find a girl you genuinely like? This doesn't seem worth it at all. Unless you're desperate for pussy, I see no reason to hang around.

 

Cut your losses.

[SolidSnails]

Not knowing her, and purely going on your description, I would say cut your losses. You're not even into her? You gave her a chance because of past experiences, and after a minute of dating she drunkenly brought a guy to your hotel room...? I really don't see why this is even a question.

 

She seems like a mess. You gave her a chance and this is what happened. Good on you, but move on and try and find a girl you genuinely like? This doesn't seem worth it at all. Unless you're desperate for pussy, I see no reason to hang around.

 

Cut your losses.

preach on.

[Sugar Free Nos]

While I would be quite upset if I was put into a similar situation, I'd still listen to what she has to say. You've got nothing to lose and you are in control of whether the relationship lives or dies. At least listen to the messages, and see where ti go from there.

[Coin]

So, phone charged. Checked missed calls, only two thirds of them are from Chloe and the rest are from her sister. Three voices mails in total; 2 from Chloe, 1 from her sister.

 

I listen to the one from her sister first. Threats of bodily harm. Insinuation that I'm an asshole. Uh oh, why did I listen to that one first? I know I said I'm not the hero of the story here but damn, I'm starting to feel like the villain of the piece.

 

Next up, Chloe's voice mails. An explanation to be found within for what happened? Nope, not really. Just her distraught over waking up to find that myself, the car and the possessions of mine that I had brought on our little weekend away had vanished without a trace or reason. Wicked hangover apparently, doesn't remember much of anything from that night.

 

I've always been a tad bit skeptical about this so drunk one forgets sh*t that happened the night before shtick. I used to drink like an Irishman (no offence intended to anyone from the Emerald Isle) and never once experienced the phenomenon myself. Perhaps I'm just lucky... or rather, more than likely, unlucky?

 

Given that this is becoming a tad bit more confusing that originally thought, I'm inclined to go see her tomorrow, phone might not cut it. The sister's plans for my most prized possessions should she happen to see me in the near future leave me some what wary and concerned.

 

While I would be quite upset if I was put into a similar situation, I'd still listen to what she has to say. You've got nothing to lose and you are in control of whether the relationship lives or dies. At least listen to the messages, and see where ti go from there.

 

[S0lo]

So, phone charged. Checked missed calls, only two thirds of them are from Chloe and the rest are from her sister. Three voices mails in total; 2 from Chloe, 1 from her sister.

 

I listen to the one from her sister first. Threats of bodily harm. Insinuation that I'm an asshole. Uh oh, why did I listen to that one first? I know I said I'm not the hero of the story here but damn, I'm starting to feel like the villain of the piece.

 

Next up, Chloe's voice mails. An explanation to be found within for what happened? Nope, not really. Just her distraught over waking up to find that myself, the car and the possessions of mine that I had brought on our little weekend away had vanished without a trace or reason. Wicked hangover apparently, doesn't remember much of anything from that night.

 

I've always been a tad bit skeptical about this so drunk one forgets sh*t that happened the night before shtick. I used to drink like an Irishman (no offence intended to anyone from the Emerald Isle) and never once experienced the phenomenon myself. Perhaps I'm just lucky... or rather, more than likely, unlucky?

 

Given that this is becoming a tad bit more confusing that originally thought, I'm inclined to go see her tomorrow, phone might not cut it. The sister's plans for my most prized possessions should she happen to see me in the near future leave me some what wary and concerned.

 

While I would be quite upset if I was put into a similar situation, I'd still listen to what she has to say. You've got nothing to lose and you are in control of whether the relationship lives or dies. At least listen to the messages, and see where ti go from there.

 

oh my, the old blackout excuse. same as you, i'm very skeptical of people who claim to have had their memory erased by alcohol and/or other drugs, as the only time this actually happened to me i woke the next day with a drip in my arm and a male nurse on suicide watch next to me (apparently i've been extremely kind to the hospital personnel, yet at the same time uttered some things that deeply concerned them. sure would like to know how that sounded.).

 

So, even though she apparently was too drunk to remember who was waiting in her hotel room for her to return alone, which kinda fits in to the no memory bit, i would still be highly suspicious of that explanation, mainly because it isn't one, but merely a very bad excuse. Don't get me wrong, i love crazy women, girls with backpacks bigger than all the american extreme sports traveler twats that visit my hometown all the time, and women who can outconsume me on various substances any day, and while i'm not clinging to monogamy like a horny dog to a pretty leg, i still would see more flags going up in mind than at a UN meet (terrible analogy, i know, but i'm in a hurry) when confronted with such shtick.

 

/my2cents

[Beautiful Disaster]

I've never bought that "Oh my god, I was so drunk I don't remember anything!" sh*t. While alcohol def. lowers your ability to give a f*ck, no matter how drunk I've been... puking, dancing to Katy Perry, borderline coming on to that 40 year old woman... I've always remembered. And when you're in that state you can always hear your brain tell you "bro, this is a TERRIBLE idea. You're gonna regret this" You may regret it... but not till morning. The only time I have straight up blacked out, was when I slipped something. But even then I remember a solid portion of the night. It's just an excuse that people use as a get out of jail free card. I call bullsh*t.

[ROCKSTAR MANIC]

Sorry man, But Move the f*ck on... She's the f*cking past.. That sh*t she pulled on you is utter bullsh*t. Because if she still "respected" you she won't of have brought a guy to the room. Stop living off regrets and start living.

[Zondar]

Am I the only one thinking you should've double teamed the bitch?

Worth a try anyway.

 

 

Edit: and then leave in the morning too obvs.

Edited May 5, 2014 by KnobCheez

[D- Ice]

Great read, gave me a good chuckle. I can only respect your ability to make light of a bad situation (it has been shown in psychology to actually aid in rational decision-making).

My personal mantra in difficult situations is to approach them head on. I believe your plan to talk to her face-to-face is definately the best thing to do.

 

If she brings up the old 'too drunk to remember' excuse and I was in your shoes, I take her word at face value. My advice for the arguement is to first explain that it is the phenomenon, regardless of intentions and whether she "wasn't herself", that's the problem. Say that it's ridiculous to stop her drinking or be wth her whenever she gets drunk, and so you want someone you can trust both sober and drunk. Despite it being only one encounter, the risk is too great for what you're putting into the relationship.

I don't think she can really come up with a good comeback or guilt-trip when you be logical, honest, and straight forward like that.

[Xyn]

So, phone charged. Checked missed calls, only two thirds of them are from Chloe and the rest are from her sister. Three voices mails in total; 2 from Chloe, 1 from her sister.

 

I listen to the one from her sister first. Threats of bodily harm. Insinuation that I'm an asshole. Uh oh, why did I listen to that one first? I know I said I'm not the hero of the story here but damn, I'm starting to feel like the villain of the piece.

 

Next up, Chloe's voice mails. An explanation to be found within for what happened? Nope, not really. Just her distraught over waking up to find that myself, the car and the possessions of mine that I had brought on our little weekend away had vanished without a trace or reason. Wicked hangover apparently, doesn't remember much of anything from that night.

 

I've always been a tad bit skeptical about this so drunk one forgets sh*t that happened the night before shtick. I used to drink like an Irishman (no offence intended to anyone from the Emerald Isle) and never once experienced the phenomenon myself. Perhaps I'm just lucky... or rather, more than likely, unlucky?

 

Given that this is becoming a tad bit more confusing that originally thought, I'm inclined to go see her tomorrow, phone might not cut it. The sister's plans for my most prized possessions should she happen to see me in the near future leave me some what wary and concerned.

Well, obviously the sister was going to defend her sibling...but I didn't think she'd be this tacky.

 

From personal experience, if she made it there walking, she remembers...and the fact that she's taking the "focus on what you did, not what I did to cause that behavior" is the cherry on top.

She's going to make you feel like this is all your fault (yes, even her bringing a guy to your room, that's on you)...

Edited May 6, 2014 by Xyn

[theadmiral]

Yeah you should definitely quit smoking, no reason to keep doing it.

[Coin]

Yeah you should definitely quit smoking, no reason to keep doing it.

 

Do you really think my cricket club will let one of their members give up both drinking and smoking? I would be cast out like yesterday's paper.

[WTFThisIsntWii]

If your girlfriend brings another bloke into a hotel room while you're there that's never a good sign. If you give her another chance. She'll do it again and you might not be there to stop it. Get out early.

 

Also everyone needs to stop blaming the poor bloke, she probably flirted with him he thought she was single. He thinks he's getting laid goes back to the hotel with her and sees her boyfriend. Mad respect for him he just left probably a bit hurt and disappointed as well.

 

TL;DR

 

I'd drop her faster then Snoop Dog drops hot objects.