Your Tips To Survive During A Zombie Apocalypse

[c00lrajboy]

RED,BLOOD AND DEAD. THAT'S WHAT ZOMBIES ARE.THEY ARE BRAINLESS,DEAD CORPSES THAT ARE JUST ALIVE.

Zombies are fictional undead creatures regularly encountered in horror and fantasy themed works. They are typically depicted as mindless, reanimated corpses with a hunger for human flesh, and particularly for human brains in some depictions.

We found out recently that if you try to leave a little kid in a graveyard late at night, he'll freak out. Even if you offer to leave him a gun to protect himself. Why? It's because on some instinctual level, all humans know it's just a matter of time until the zombies show up.

Our culture is full of tales of the undead walking the Earth, from our religions to our comic books. But, some sort of zombie apocalypse isn't actually possible, right?

Right?

Guys?

Actually, yes. It's quite possible. Here's ways it could happen, according to science.

1.

Brain Parasites

As seen in ...
Resident Evil IV

What are they?
Parasites that turn victims into mindless, zombie-like slaves are fairly common in nature. There's one called toxoplasmosa gondii that seems to devote its entire existence to being terrifying.

This bug infects rats, but can only breed inside the intestines of a cat. The parasite knows it needs to get the rat inside the cat (yes, we realize this sounds like the beginning of the most f*cked-up Dr. Seuss poem ever) so the parasite takes over the rat's freaking brain, and intentionally makes it scurry toward where the cats hang out. The rat is being programmed to get itself eaten, and it doesn't even know.

Of course, those are just rats, right?

How it can result in zombies:
Hey, did we mention that half the human population on Earth is infected with toxoplasmosa, and don't know it? Hey, maybe you're one of them. Flip a coin.

Oh, also, they've done studies and shown that the infected see a change in their personality and have a higher chance of going batsh*t insane.

Chances this could cause a zombie apocalypse:
Humans and rats aren't all that different; thats why they use them to test our drugs. All it takes is a more evolved version of toxoplasmosa, one that could to do us what it does to the rats. So, imagine if half the world suddenly had no instinct for self-preservation or rational thought. Even less than they do now, we mean.

If you're comforting yourself with the thought that it may take forever for such a parasite to evolve, you're forgetting about all the biological weapons programs around the world, intentionally weaponizing such bugs. You've got to wonder if the lab workers don't carry out their work under the unwitting command of the toxoplasmosa gondii already in their brains. If you don't want to sleep at night, that is.

You may be protesting that technically these people have never been dead and thus don't fit the dictionary definition of "zombies," but we can assure you that the distinction won't matter a whole lot once these groaning hordes are clawing their way through your windows.

 

 

2.

Neurotoxins

As seen in ...
The movie The Serpent and the Rainbow, the upcoming Resident Evil 5 video game.

What are they?
There are certain kinds of poisons that slow your bodily functions to the point that you'll be considered dead, even to a doctor (okay, maybe not to a good doctor). The poison from fugu (Japanese blowfish) can do this.

The victims can then be brought back under the effects of a drug like datura stramonium (or other chemicals called alkaloids) that leave them in a trance-like state with no memory, but still able to perform simple tasks like eating, sleeping, moaning and shambling around with their arms outstretched.

How it can result in zombies:
"Can?" How about "does."

This stuff has happened in Haiti; that's where the word "zombie" comes from. There are books about it, the most famous ones by Dr. Wade Davis (Passage of Darkness and The Serpent and the Rainbow). Yes, the movie The Serpent and the Rainbow was based on this guy's actual science stuff. How much of it was fact? Well, there was that one scene where they strapped the guy naked to a chair and drove a huge spike through his balls. We're hoping that part wasn't true.

What is definitely true is the story of Clairvius Narcisse. He was a Haitian guy who was declared dead by two doctors and buried in 1962. They found him wandering around the village 18 years later. It turned out the local voodoo priests had been using naturally occurring chemicals to basically zombify people and putting them to work on the sugar plantations (no, really).

So, the next time you're pouring a little packet of sugar into your coffee, remember that it may have been handled by a zombie at some point.

Chances this could cause a zombie apocalypse:
On the one hand, it's already f*cking happened! So that earns it some street cred right off the bat. But, even if some evil genius intentionally distributed alkaloid toxins to a population to turn them into a shambling, mindless horde, there is no way to make these zombies aggressive or cannabalistic.

Yet.

 

 

 

 

 

[Mr. Scratch]

Huh zombies? F*ck 'em, grab a bottle of whiskey and enjoy your last hour.

Edited April 7, 2014 by Mr Scratch

[c00lrajboy]

That would really be pretty .... undescribeable. Moreover, nobody likes to be bitten from head to toe with something inside them which could turn them into a zombie any moment now.

 

Huh zombies? f*ck 'em, grab a bottle of whiskey and enjoy your last hour.

[Mr. Scratch]

What'd you think the whiskey was for?

[GTA36362355]

Sail off to a remote island?

[Shane_Dbns]

Put a gun to your head and just end it, you're probably not gonna last a week during a zombie outbreak.

[Mr. Scratch]

Besides which, why would you want to live in that kind of world? We've already got zombies with phones attached to their hands.

[Otter]

I'm with Deep Throat. Why do they never do that in the movies?

 

Or, you know, live somewhere that requires you to climb ladders. NOT THAT HARD, PEOPLE.

 

But I like this topic. Can we change it to "all" apocalypses for fun, though?

 

Edit @ Scratch: SHUT UP, DAD

[t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m]

Zombies? Did the time machine work? Am I back in 2010 again?

[Mr. Scratch]

Zombies? Did the time machine work? Am I back in 2010 again?

 

 

No dinner for you tonight Otter, now go to your room!

Edited April 7, 2014 by Mr Scratch

[Punisher.]

Just dig a huge pit around your property, about 10 ft deep all the way around.

Then shoot any zombies that fall in, pour gasoline on them, and turn them to ashes.

 

Although knowing a few members on here, if the zombies are looking for brains, I don't think a few of you have anything to worry about.

Edited April 7, 2014 by Punisher.

[GTA36362355]

Why do they never do that in the movies?

Trade secrets aren't meant to be shown in the movies, right? Edited April 7, 2014 by deepthroatgta6

[GunWrath]

Barricade, stock up on water and canned goods.. oh, and ammunition.

 

None of this sh*t;

 

 

But more of this sh*t;

 

[Mr. Scratch]

Just dig a huge pit around your property, about 10 ft deep all the way around.

Then shoot any zombies that fall in, pour gasoline on them, and turn them to ashes.

 

Although knowing a few members on here, if the zombies are looking for brains, I don't think a few of you have anything to worry about.

"We're only looking for some intelligence, so we might be here for a f*cking while"-Jamie McDonald

[KD himan]

Look, in my opinion.

 

First, there are no f*cking zombies in the world! they don't exist. yea i've heard about cannibals but not much spoof about them. but if i think that i am in an island, i dont to get died / transformed into zombies by their bite. so pleasantly i'll eat something poison which can lead me to a silent sleeping death, not like blood blood and blood.

Edited April 8, 2014 by KD himan

[THE GHETTO JEZUS]

I guess for me it'll be to go to where FPS RUSSIA lives and have him to protect me

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4g8uN3wIsMU

 

 

[ExtremoMania]

Can I call Agent Alice for the job?

 

[Mr. Scratch]

I'd call her for a job...

[WBaker]

Screamers would be handy in a zombie apocalypse if they only killed zombies.

 

Look at that cute dinosaur-esque killing machine!

 

Without some sort of automated defense system the traditional zombie apocalypse scenarios seem to me like a battle of attrition we will lose.

[BuyMeTheMoon]

I would grab a lot of guns, steal a sail boat and get out on the seven seas I guess. An Island wouldn't feel completely safe though, the zombies can live under water, cant they? If not a sail boat, it would work to live in a place that requires a ladder to get to. As the time goes by, build some zombie traps ex. deep graves around your place and such

[Frank Brown]

Let them bite you. Let them bite everyone.

 

World peace via zombie apocalypse can happen, people. Invest in science.

[Shmoopy]

Pretend to be a zombie

[Audiophile]

Zombies?

 

f*ck it, I'm out within an hour of that sh*t starting.

 

Better to go out by my own hand than deal with a hypothetical zombie outbreak and a sh*tty life drinking my own piss and sh*tting in the woods.

 

tl;dr: I'm going to pussy out.

[killerbee25]

Read this and you're pretty much set:

 

[Mr. Scratch]

Let them bite you. Let them bite everyone.

 

World peace via zombie apocalypse can happen, people. Invest in science.

^This!

 

[Acehilm]

Play some "Ain't that a kick in the head" and you'll be fine.

[GTA_stu]

It's not the zombies you need to worry about. It's the complete and total collapse of civilised society. I've mentioned this before in these kinds of topics, but basically you'll have slavers and rape gangs, and slaving rape gangs and raping slave gangs. Probably easier to just end it yourself and spare your orifices and your mental well being the trauma.

Edited April 8, 2014 by stu

[Graven]

Blaah, zombies are slow. You can easily walk off the scene and go home play GTA.

[Mista J]

Not if they're Dawn of the Dead zombies, those f*ckers will sprint at you.

 

I'd stock up on vinegar or somesh*t, spray tht sh*t everywhere I go, they might smell us and follow us to our base.

[GTA_stu]

I'd stock up on vinegar or somesh*t, spray tht sh*t everywhere I go, they might smell us and follow us to our base.

 

What a waste, you might as well mix that with some olive oil and a few herbs and then you'll have yourself a salad dressing. Just because it's the zombie apocalypse doesn't mean you can't dress your salad bro.