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TheObeseBear

Coming with a base to a story:

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TheObeseBear

Hi, I'm not the most avid writer nor is my vocabulary particularly fantastic. I need to write a story on a particular subject of my choice (organized crime, at this point). It needs to be a fictional story based on a fictional crime organisation. I was wondering if somebody would be able to help me write it? So far I have:

 

Quote

 

The organisation was said to of formed within the late 1900s however it is yet to be confirmed. It is also suspected that the organisation was formed by two men of Eastern European descent and as of which consists primarily though not exclusively of Eastern Europeans. The upper echelon of the organisation were yet to be seen and named: their actions were discreet and their movement was minimal. They were known within the criminal underground simply for the ruthless operations executed by members of the said organisation, however nobody was said to of met the executives or the senior members at any time.

Using those seeking asylum from their poverty struck Eastern-European countries, people sought sanction in local communities where the Eastern Europeans were dominant. This meant that those who had money and came from the same general background were able to some-what manipulate the new-comers in to doing what they want, as they want. This was fantastic news for those who had just got in to the country however it was not so good news for the likes of law enforcement and local street-gangs because it only gave the organisation more man power and strength to do as they please.
As aforementioned, the organisation was said to of started with a small count. Just a couple of men who wanted to earn some extra money on the side of their hard-working job. They started with the generic distribution of narcotics (Methamphetamine, Hashish and Cocaine) and soon they progressed to large scale smuggling, firearms trafficking and various white collar crimes. As well as this, it was also suspected that they were responsible for more than 20% of robberies and extortion within local communities.
With their man-power and ability to get their grubby fingers in on some money, the organisation were able to finally start investing in things that would benefit them. One of their largest investments was that of the Fort Carson Distribution Center, located just on the out-skirts of Fort Carson, SA. The crime group were said to have then reduced their number of crimes due to the fact they had a stable in-come of money, giving them the opportunity to make a legal and decent amount as well as giving them something to work on as opposed to mopping a floor on minimum wage.

 

That's the introduction and I now want to divide it in to chapters, but I've no idea what I could write in them chapters. Any suggestions or tips?

Edited by Mokrie Dela

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Mokrie Dela

Red is removed things, green added or changed. Blue is my notes.

The organisation was said to have formed within the late 1900s however it is yet to be confirmed.

 

Why is it yet to be confirmed? If it's fictional either come up with a date or leave it vague - vague can be good; it adds an air of mystery....

 

It is also suspected that the organisation was formed by two men of Eastern European descent and as of which consists primarily, though not exclusively, of Eastern Europeans. The upper echelons of the organisation were yet to be seen and named; their actions were discreet and their movement was minimal.

A note on the semi colon. In this instance it functions as both a comma and a colon - breaking up the sentence and preceding an explanation.

 

They were known within the criminal underground simply for the ruthless operations executed by members of the said organisation, however nobody was said to of met the executives or the senior members at any time.


Okay, i think we're going to need a name of the organisation now. It's sounding a little detached. We know all this, but no name?
Using those seeking asylum from their poverty struck Eastern-European countries, people sought sanction in local communities where the Eastern Europeans were dominant. This meant that those who had money and came from the same general background were able to some-what manipulate the new-comers in to doing what they want, as they want. This was fantastic news for those who had just got in to the country however it was not so good news for the likes of law enforcement and local street-gangs because it only gave the organisation more man power and strength to do as they please.
As aforementioned, [Clunky and unnecessary; just start this passage with "the"] the organisation was said to of* started with a small count. Just a couple of men who wanted to earn some extra money on the side of their hard-working job. They started with the generic distribution of narcotics (Methamphetamine, Hashish and Cocaine) and soon they progressed to large scale smuggling, firearms trafficking and various white collar crimes. As well as this, it was also suspected that they were responsible for more than 20% of robberies and extortion within local communities.

Hashish - no one calls it that these days. In the UK it's "hash" or "weed" or marijuana or cannabis. I'm aware there is a slight difference between them but i don't feel hashish fits too well here.
With their man-power and ability to get their grubby fingers in on some money, the organisation were able to finally start investing in things that would benefit them. One of their largest investments was that of the Fort Carson Distribution Center, located just on the out-skirts of Fort Carson, SA. The crime group were said to have then reduced their number of crimes due to the fact they had a stable in-come of money, giving them the opportunity to make a legal and decent amount as well as giving them something to work on as opposed to mopping a floor on minimum wage.

Finally, why Fort Carson, SA? Why not Carson City, CA? What's this for? School/uni work? If so, setting it in a real world location, imo, would work better.
*I'm betting you're British. We tend to drop the "h" of "have" and it can sound like "of" - it's actually "was said to have" :D

 

 

Now i know this isn't your story, but i thought i'd point out a few things anyway.

 

In terms of making it a story; it's a process that can be broken up. Firstly you need a plot and storyline. You've heard "beginning middle and end" right? Well let's expand on this:

 

There's 8 points to making a story.

 

1 - Stasis - This is the beginning, the "once upon a time" - many stories start with a snapshot of everyday life. Some go straight into the action (the next steps) and some start later and refer back. Keep it simple; in this case, the stasis would be the world before the gang was founded - the opportunities in the US and the conditions in eastern europe.

 

2 - Trigger - as you might have guessed, this is an event that starts the story. It's our hero's friend being killed, or his car being stolen. If the stasis is "once upon a time, there was a boy," then the trigger would be "one day, something out of the ordinary happened".

 

3 - Quest - This is the goal of your characters - in this case, the gang: wanting to offer asylum of sorts, if i read it correctly. It is a want or a need, and often what will carry our characters through the rest of the story.

 

4 - Challenges - as you might have guessed, this is sh*t that gets in the way. In creating this gang and starting its criminal enterprise, there'd be competition - in the form of other gangs or the cops or FBI. It's a roadblock in the story.

 

5 - Reaction (usually called "Critical choice") - this is how our characters respond to the above problem. If there's competition (challenge) then the gang would likely destroy their warehouse or kill their men - this is the reaction, or critical choice - the decision to do this.

 

6 - Climax - a direct outcome of step #6 - this is the brunt of the action. Up until now, it's been a normal day (1), until something happened (2), and the character wanted something(3), but something got in his way (4) and he had to decide what to do (5). the result of this is the war on the streets, or the bribing of cops etc.

 

7 - Reversal - This is the consequences of the above. The new gang has taken out the competition, bribed the cops and as a result gotten stronger. It is the big change that the above leads to.

 

8 - Resolution - simply, the end. It is a new stasis, the story levels out to a new "normal" - in this, the gang being a staple of the community, offering what they can to those that need it.

 

 

The reason i've said all that is simple:

 

Write your own story.

 

That's not me being a dick, but simply saying don't try to get someone to write it for you. We'll help, of course, but that joy of creating a story can be yours.

 

 

 

Now the challenge you face here is how to portray the gang's story. Are you going to do it as a long story of how two men started something and how it grew (Watch and read Fight Club for an example of how this can be done)

 

Everything in your introduction should be "absorbed" into the story. It's a long (sorry) boring list of useless facts that mean nothing to me. Make them mean something. What made the men found the gang to begin with? Why? How did they get to that decision, mentally and geographically?

 

At this point in time there are many angles you can approach it from. You can show a personal story of the two men that started it, the struggles they faced and show the birth of the gang; you can show the gang's entire life, by following one or two characters (perhaps a young immigrant joins the gang in modern times (or 80s or whenever you want), and slowly learns about its history in facts and in acts, much like in the opening scenes of Goodfellas; you can try to show the gang as a whole, the gang being the main character, and its growth and struggles; you can show it all from the point of view of an investigator (either a criminal investigator or a P.I. hired by, perhaps, a scorned lover or grieving mother), or an undercover officer) . The choices are endless and the way i see it only you can decide about it.

 

Sit down and get some paper and a pen. Write down ideas you have. Brainstorm each way you can approach it, and the pros and cons of each approach. If following a young kid, you'll see it from a naive, fresh perspective; if a seasoned cop trying to take it down, you'll have a sort of judgmental view (unless the cop's dirty - that's another idea); the investigator hired by the woman who lost her son will add a sort of emotional connection (in a negative way; perhaps having the aforementioned child a homeless bastard might create a positive emotional response). Write down what you like and dislike about each idea. and decide on which one you want.

 

Then: Research!

Read gangsta books, watch movies (from the original Scarface or other prohibition-era black and whites to modern films like Goodfellas or even the likes of Rocknrolla and Snatch (it's a different approach but sometimes the abstract works). Read articles on the net about mafia and real-world gangstas - like the story of (the real) Henry Hill, Al Capone etc etc.

 

Plan:

Break down your story idea into the 8 points mentioned above. This will become your frame for the story.

Then add in any subplots you want: they might follow a similar pattern to the above (which btw can be broken or ignored, but only if the 8-point structure AND your story are both understood!) or they might not.

 

Storyboard - the most useful way of planning. Can be done with pen and paper or (what i do) in an Excel spreadsheet. Separate each "event" in your story into it's own cell or scrap of paper. Order them in the way you want it to go, and add/remove/adjust what's needed. Then, each "scrap" could be a chapter (or you might merge them or split them).

 

Write: obviously, you'll need to write this bad boy. Sit down, with the research in your head, the plan on the paper (if you've done both properly, you should know and FEEL your story like it's your own life!)

 

Edit: Once it's written (in whole or in part, everyone's different. I do it in chunks, but i've often been told to write the entire thing, then edit it afterwards), leave it for a few days or a week - as long as you can. You want to kind of "forget" it - not literally, but you want to come back to it fresh. Then read through it. Pick out and correct anything that's not right - spelling errors, grammatical errors, problems with tense or viewpoint, plot problems (plot holes or Dues Ex Machina (that's basically "god in the machine" which means when the story hits a wall and out of nowhere, as if by magic, something happens that helps your character) or simply formatting. Remember, we can all help at this stage. We can't help you write it, but we can help advise the planning stage and we can help you edit it (you'll see on here several of us have done a tear-through of stories).

 

I hope this all helps, and I hope i haven't just blinded you with nonsense. Post again or PM me if you need anything explained or have ANY confusions - even if it's embarrassment over not understanding simply things.

 

 

 

EDIT: I can't believe i accidentally edited your post and posted all that in there! I think i undid it! My apologies.

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