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greenrock

Grand Theft Auto: Rise of Tony Ambra

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greenrock

"There are many things you can say about Tony Ambra, in fact you could write a fu*king 10 page paper of his exploits thats barely scratching the surface, the man is not human. Tony knows everything about the game, the history of crime, the various gangs throughout history, The Italians, The Russians, The Irish, Albanians, even African American gangs, he knows them, he knows their structures, the way they operate what cities there in, there current dealings, he has a vast ammount of connections that he's gain through his sheer cunning and manipulation, but its not just the knowlege its how he uses it. Tony Ambra is not part of any gang, a freelancer, not known by many, but feared. It's said he has an extraordinary IQ, in fact he was expert mathematician could of went to Harvard, he dropped out of high school senior year, and now 10 years later, no one knows his wareabouts but the few that know, know he's planning something. Tony always planning something, How i know this, he's my brother.."

 

Ray Ambra delivered the speech at the Italian Pizzera "Toni's Kitchen" in southern Liberty City. he was interrupted by the various people in the resturant, many made men of the Gambino family, the others associates and just good ol Italians.

 

"alright stop it Roy, we don't want to hear about your brother the super criminal"

---"yeah Ray its getting tiresome, if he was the real deal why is he in hiding"

" come on Roy, where's your big bad brother at"

 

Roy smiled and replied gently "Well i wasn't done with my speech"

--" we don't want hear no damm speech Roy"

--" for the last few days you been telling us all about your brother, yet you never tell us where he is"

--" its like your trying to threaten us, Roy.... you got balls kid, to come up in here and spout"

 

Roy replied gently again

" why do you guys always saying im threatening, i havn't talked and seen him in years, I'm just telling you what the man was"

--"i just find it odd that you been telling us about him, like he's planning to make moves on us" said one of the Gambino associate as he picked up a knife and started twirling through his fingers

 

"come on Billy, how is Tony going to threaten you"

--" well obviously he's not, but i just find it odd

--" your being paranoid man, just relax eat pizza, its a story man.. a story, come on lighten up"

--" fu*k you Roy"

 

Roy smiled again and said calmly" whats your problem" one of Anthony's friends interrupted before he could speak

--" Anthony come on, the kid's just telling him about his brother.. relax this isn't a movie, 1 man cannot threaten the mafia,"

-- "your naive.. Johnny"

-- "and your...crazy Anthony..just enjoy your damm pizza,"

--" I don't want this man in this place anymore

 

"What" Roy replied, laughing

-- "I don't want you hear anymore...you punk... call your brother and I'' bust both of you by myself"

-- "what the fu*k Anthony"

-- "I don't even know who you are kid, you just came here like 2 weeks ago, and now you think you can just talk about whatever you want.. you have alot of balls talking to me like that"

-- "Is this guy a baby or something, what a child"

Anthony snapped and lunged at Roy grabbing his neck, it took 3 or 4 guys to get him off. Roy continued to laugh and then started to get out of his seat, he put his black coat on and took out his wallet, he threw money on the table

"well this was unexpected, but anyways thanks for the meal guys"

"alright Roy see you later" said Toni, the owner. Toni was the real deal, he wasn't mafia, just an associate but he never backed down against any of the Gambinos. always staying true to his character

 

"What the hell Anthony, scaring the kid man"

-- "He comes in here threatening us about his brother the superhero and I'm just suppose to take it"

-- "what... see Anthony this is why you never graduated 3rd grade, you have no understanding if logic"

--" logic.. i might be dumb but i know the streets, and i know how it works"

-- "Please, Tony, he was just telling us a story man.."

--" whatever Toni......damm...

--" what is it"

-"there's alot of damm Tony's "

 

Anthony replied, causing a hysterical laughter in the place. Anthony is his name,Tony for short he never told his last name to anyone besides the Don, he was arguably the dumbest person in the gang, but somehow he always was able to get by, he never understood basic logic, and had trouble with the simplest tasks, but somehow magically he got it done, he was known as "The Bulb" I don't know why, no one does, that's just what he called him self, Bulb was his nickname, but he's rarelly ever called that. irrational behavior consumed him every step, but with his success rating, the Gambinos kept him on..which wasn't without objections

 

"anyways Toni, im heading out of here, I'll see yall tomorrow, and i don't want that damm kid there"

--" its my name, on the restuant.. and i say who can come and not"

--" its my name too"

-"no...i.......just get out of here"

Tony left the restuant, he didn't drive, so he would usually walk everywhere, tall and stocky. he took out a cigarette and started smoking. he reached for his phone in his pocket and dialed a number

 

"hey Niko.."

-- "hey Tony what's going on"

-- "i need to talk to you can we meet somewhere"

--" yeah sure, im kind of busy right now, maybe tomorrow"

-- "alright Liberty Plazza tomorrow"

-- "5:00 sound fine"

-- "that's fine, I'll see you there"

 

END OF PROLOGUE

Edited by greenrock

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Cebra

I'm gonna try my first crack of giving my opinion on a story, even if I'm not exactly a master writer myself. (Using Mokrie's color coding. :p ) I'll highlight things I didn't like in orange, correct in red and explain in teal.

 

 

"There are many things you can say about Tony Ambra. In fact, you could write a fu*king ten page paper of his exploits that's barely scratching the surface; the man is not human.

I would change "can" to could, it just sounds better in my opinion. Remember to do full stops instead of commas, it entirely changes the way the reader thinks of the story. Now, here's another thing. Swearing doesn't usually work in narration. In movie monologues, sure. But when you're reading, it's not as popular a choice. But I won't direct you for that, it's up to you. When writing numbers, spell them.

 

Tony knows everything about the game, such as the history of crime and the various gangs throughout history. The Italians, The Russians, The Irish, Albanians, even African American gangs, he knows them. He knows their structures, the way they operate, what cities they're in, their current dealings.

Most of my additions here are simply grammar corrections. Again, remember to do full stops instead of commas most of the time and remember the difference between 'they're', 'their', and 'there'.

 

He has a vast amount of connections that he's gained through his sheer cunning and manipulation, but its not just the knowledge; it's how he uses it. Tony Ambra is not part of any gang. He's a freelancer, not known by many, but is feared nonetheless. It's said he has an extraordinary IQ, in fact, he was an expert mathematician who could of went to Harvard, but he dropped out of high school in his senior year. And now, 10 years later, nearly no one knows of his whereabouts. But the few that do know also know he's planning something. Tony always planning something, How do I know this? He's my brother."

Instead of 'vast', I would use something with more emphasis, like 'extensive' or 'boundless'. Your use of 'his' is unnecessary. You already said 'he', so there's no need. A semicolon seemed suitable here, but it's up to you. That or a period. Like before, don't forget grammar. 'Its' and 'it's' are different. Full stops are still a must. This is important - it's 'have', not 'of'. Could have went to Harvard. It's a really popular mistake, so no biggie. Like I mentioned earlier, book narration is very different from movie narration. Just remember that pertaining to the way you ended this part.

 

Ray Ambra delivered a speech at the Italian Pizzera "Toni's Kitchen" in southern Liberty City. <read below> He was interrupted by the various people in the restaurant, some made men of the Gambino family, others associates and just good ol' Italians.

This part confused me a bit. In the narration, you're doing it in first person. Ray Ambra is narrating, but then in this scene you switched to third person. Choose whether you want to do it in first or third, then I would suggest re-writing. A way what you've done would work is if you said that the opening narration was in Ray's journal or something. After introducing Toni's Kitchen, you should set the scene. Describe the sights, the smells coming from the kitchen. The bustle of waiters and the patrons inside. You made me think of a restaurant filled with loud, obnoxious mobsters. Is that right, or is it just Ray and his group of friends? Beside that, 'ol' takes an apostrophe afterwards since it's an abbreviation of 'old'.

 

"Alright, stop it Roy, we don't want to hear about your brother the super criminal," one of them bellowed.

---"Yeah Ray, its getting tiresome, if he was the real deal, why is he in hiding?"

" come on Roy, where's your big bad brother at"

Is his name Ray or Roy? Ray is short for Raymond or Raymundo, while Roy is just Roy. They're different names. Also, the two dashes are not needed. That's how to indicate a conversation in French, but not here. Also, I found the last sentence unnecessary. We get the picture; they don't approve of his brother.

 

Roy smiled and replied gently "Well, I wasn't done with my speech-"

"We don't wanna hear no damn speech, Roy!", a low voice yelled.

"For the last few days you been telling us all about your brother, yet you never tell us where he is."

"Its like your trying to threaten us, Roy. You got balls kid, to come up in here and spout sh*t like that."

It's good to indicate at least one of the voices when there are multiple people talking. Capitalize the first word in each sentence. Also, for the last one I'm not sure what you wanted to say so I just added that. 'Come in here and spout' doesn't make sense.

 

"Why do you guys always say I'm threatening you? I haven't talked to or seen him in years, I'm just telling you what the man was like," Roy replied calmly.

"I just find it odd that you been telling us about him. It's like he's planning to make a move on us," said one of the Gambino associates as he picked up a knife and started twirling it through his fingers.

You used 'calmly' in the previous paragraph. It's usually better to add variety using synonyms. Also, the last sentence is kind of long-winded for me, I would suggest shortening it. For example: 'said one of the Gambino associates while casually twirling a butter knife'. Simple, but it works.

 

"Come on Anthony, how's Tony threatening you?"

Anthony snorted. "Well he obviously ain't, but i just find it odd."

"You're being paranoid man, just relax, eat pizza! It's a story man...a story. Come on, lighten up."

"Fu*k you, Roy!"

Fixed grammar. Also, these guys are Italian-Americans. I think you should adjust your dialogue to fit the way they speak. 'Ain't' instead of 'is not' and so on.

 

Roy smiled again and said calmly "What's your problem-" One of Anthony's friends interrupted before he could speak.

"Anthony come on, the kid's just telling us about his brother.. relax, this isn't a movie, one man can't threaten the entire mafia,"

"You're naive, Johnny."

"And you're crazy, Anthony. Just enjoy your damn pizza."

"I don't want this man in here anymore."

I don't like the first sentence. You've used 'calmly' already, and Roy doesn't seem calm or "smiley" with what he was saying. I would make it so that he's getting annoyed instead. Also as I mentioned before, make them talk realistically. Not 'isn't', Italian-Americans usually say 'ain't'. It's a stereotype, sure, but it's usually true. In addition to that, some of your word choices were a little off. Mafiosos usually wouldn't say 'mafia'. I could imagine them saying the family name instead. (Gambino in this instance). Later, instead of 'enjoy' I would have simply used 'eat', since he wasn't being particularly intricate there. Lastly, I didn't like him calling Roy 'man'. Again, I suggest using Mobspeak, or slang. In this instance terms like 'babbo', 'rat', 'gavone', etc.

 

"What?" Roy replied, irritated under the guise of geniality.

"I don't want you hear you anymore, you punk. Call your brother and I'll rub out the both of you."

"What the f*ck, Anthony?"

"I don't even know who you are kid, you just met me two weeks ago, and now you think you can just say whatever you want. You've got a lot of balls talkin' to me like that."

Roy faced the rest of the audience. "Is this guy a baby or something?", he said. "What a child!"

Suddenly, Anthony lunged at Roy and wrapped hands firmly around his neck. Strangling him, it took 3 or 4 other men just to make him release his grasp. Roy laughed at what transpired and walked back to his seat. He put on his woolen black coat and took out his wallet, throwing a $50 bill on the linen tablecloth.

"Well, this was unexpected. Thanks for the meal, guys."

"Alright Roy, see you later," said Toni, the owner. Toni was the real deal, he wasn't a Gambino, but he also wasn't intimidated by them. He always stayed true to himself.

Not bad. I corrected all of your grammatical and spelling mistakes, but there were also a couple of inconsistencies here. Firstly, Anthony saying he doesn't even know who Roy is. He obviously does know who he is, just not very well. You might want to fix that, but it's up to you. Next, Roy calling him a 'baby'. I would go with something more mature, and probably using Mobspeak again. One of the names I mentioned before would work. Also, why is Roy calling him names? Anthony appears to be a made man, so even Roy, fearless as he may be (you haven't established that yet) should know better. Also, don't say '3 or 4 men'. You're the narrator, choose a number. As narrator, you see exactly what's happening and so it should be accurate. I took out the part about Roy walking back to his seat, since it contradicted what you said earlier. Another thing; was Roy giving his speech on an elevated stage, maybe, or was he just standing at his seat? You didn't make it clear. Either way, lastly was the mention of Roy thanking them for the meal. He payed for it, so I think it would make more sense for him to thank them for the company, instead.

 

"What the hell Anthony? Scaring the kid was a dick move," said one of the other men.

"What? He comes in here, threatening us about his brother the superhero and I'm just suppose to take it?"

The other mobster sighed. "See, paisan, this is why you never graduated 3rd grade. You have no understanding of logic."

"Logic," Tony echoed. "I might be dumb, but I know the streets, and i know how it all works. Our system, ya know?"

Another mobster chimed in. "He was just tellin' us a story. Nothin' to get worked up over."

"Whatever, Antonio-" Tony stopped mid-sentence.

"What is it?"

"I just realized, there's a lot of damn Tonys here," Anthony replied, causing the entire group to burst into laughter.

I just added some stuff here and there to make it, in my opinion, sound better. My only problem here is when the other guy says that Tony never graduated from third grade. Nobody doesn't graduate from third grade. It would be more realistic if you changed it to say that he never entered high school. Also, the word 'logic' just doesn't seem right here. 'Common sense' would be better suited.

 

Anthony is the man's name, Tony for short. He never told his last name to anyone besides the Don, but he had his reasons. He was arguably the most dim-witted person in the gang, but by a combination of street smarts and dumb luck he always was able to get by. He never understood basic logic and had trouble with the simplest tasks but always got things done one way or another. He's known as The Bulb. I don't know why, no one does, that's just what he calls himself. Irrational behavior dictated his every step, but due to his success rate, the Gambinos kept him on. Not that this was without objections from the other four families.

For the most part, this was good. I changed a couple of things more to my liking, like giving a reason for Tony's unwillingness to reveal his surname, and the reason why the Gambinos keep him on.

 

Anthony looked over at Toni. "I'm outta here. Lemme tell you something; when I come back tomorrow, that damn kid better not be here, you got me?"

"It's my name on the restaurant's sign. I say who can come and go."

Anthony snickered. "It's my name, too."

"I...no...uh, just get out."

Anthony left the restaurant. He didn't drive, so he would usually walk everywhere. He was tall and stocky, an imposing character to most and slightly reminiscent of Luca Brasi from The Godfather. Outside, he lit a Redwood Cigarette and walked down the crowded street. He grabbed his phone from his pocket and dialed a number.

Once again, I just added some stuff. You're certainly better here than you were at the beginning of this. I added a reference of Luca Brasi because that's how I pictured him.

 

"Hey, Niko."

"Tony. What's going on?"

"I need to talk to you soon. Can we meet somewhere?"

"Yeah sure, but I'm kind of busy right now, maybe tomorrow."

"Alright. How about Liberty Plaza?"

"Five o'clock good for you?"

"Yeah, that's fine. I'll see ya there."

 

END OF PROLOGUE

 

Alright. Overall, pretty good. You've got to work on your spelling and grammar, but I like the tone you've set for this. And yes, I do realize that I got carried away towards the end of this and started writing myself. lol

Anyway, I suggest you take my advice to heart. You've got some good work so far and I look forward to more.

Edited by PhilosophicalZebra

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AceRay

Woah, Mokrie is going to come into this thread and be PISSED he didn't get to annotate and review the piece of writing, Zebra. Everyone take cover, sh*t's going to go down like its Awards 2013 all over again.

A bit too exposition-y in places; Like telling the audience that he perfers to be called Tony and that he's dumb. "Show, don't tell" comes to mind. Instead of simply telling me he's dumb, show it through his actions and how he speaks and how he acts etc. The reader will figure it out for themselves that Tony is dumb and that will make them feel smart because they figured it out for themselves, and they'll want to keep reading because you've massaged their ego.

 

Overall it was fine, nice languages in some places. A few grammatical mistakes here and there.

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Cebra

Woah, Mokrie is going to come into this thread and be PISSED he didn't get to annotate and review the piece of writing, Zebra. Everyone take cover, sh*t's going to go down like its Awards 2013 all over again.

He should've hurried up. :catspider:

But seriously, I don't know the 'unwritten rules' of this part of the forum. I hope I didn't offend Mokrie. Lol

Edited by PhilosophicalZebra

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Mokrie Dela

 

Woah, Mokrie is going to come into this thread and be PISSED he didn't get to annotate and review the piece of writing, Zebra. Everyone take cover, sh*t's going to go down like its Awards 2013 all over again.

He should've hurried up. :-P

But seriously, I don't know the 'unwritten rules' of this part of the forum. I hope I didn't offend Mokrie. Lol

How dare you!!!

 

Nah you've done a good job going through it. I fully encourage this. You get a good star for the effort. This is a small writing community but a community nonetheless. We all help out.

One thing though: when you said to use full stops instead of commas, I feel you could have explained why a little more. Explain about pace and flow and what have you. Sometimes having someone say 'do this' isn't enough, but knowin the reason behind it...

 

 

Good lord above did I just critique a critique?

 

I'm not offended at all btw; the opposite in fact. It's good to see :)

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greenrock

thanks everyone...this is my first attempt at a story....,,,and i apperciate all the feedback....

 

the story will take a while and will probably be a long project..but i got the whole story in my mind at this point, just got to write it..

Edited by greenrock

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AceRay

thanks everyone...this is my first attempt at a story....,,,and i apperciate all the feedback....

 

the story will take a while and will probably be a long project..but i got the whole story in my mind at this point, just got to write it..

My best advice is to just write down those ideas as soon as you get them in a notebook or word processor or something, so you don't forget. Just keep writing and you'll get better over time, its like a muscle, the more you exercise it, the stronger it will get.

 

I see you're ambitious and determined to improve, and these are very good qualities to have when writing.

Edited by AceRay

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Mokrie Dela

And, as I tell everyone, be patient. You won't finish your story to good quality in a few days. The most difficult part, imo, is proof reading and editing. You rarely can just write and that's the end of it. you got to spell check, check for tense, viewpoint, tighten things up etc.
Take your time.

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Ziggy455

 

Woah, Mokrie is going to come into this thread and be PISSED he didn't get to annotate and review the piece of writing, Zebra. Everyone take cover, sh*t's going to go down like its Awards 2013 all over again.

He should've hurried up. :-P

But seriously, I don't know the 'unwritten rules' of this part of the forum. I hope I didn't offend Mokrie. Lol

 

 

There are no rules when it comes to critiquing work. The more the merrier as it comes really.

 

As for the work I cannot say much except the way that the dialogue is written is very, very wrong. What use is there for the two hyphens? Is it to divide the lines and make us read each piece of dialogue more clearly? Because a general spaced line would have done it better. Beyond that it seems everybody else has gotten heavy into this so I can only say that the exposition is very clear. If you upload another piece I'll dive on that.

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greenrock

I think i am going to change "dumb" Tony's name to something else, to differentiate from Tony Ambra...it might get too confusing as the story develops

Edited by greenrock

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Cebra

And one more thing I just noticed, Greenrock, is that you've chosen for the family to be the Gambinos. But you've also located it in Liberty City instead of New York City. Remember, LC has it's own counterpart of each of the Five Families, the Gambinos' counterpart being the Gambettis. Since LC is a fictional place, I think it would work better for the focused family to be the Gambettis.

Edited by PhilosophicalZebra

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