Lombard Direct Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 Why are you so bad? My little Dad ? YOU PUNCH AND YOU POUND AND YOU TEAR AT MY FACE, It's a bloody disgrace YOU RIP AND YOU ROAR AND YOU PUNCH OUT MY LIGHTS, What about MY damn rights? Why are you so bad. My little Dad ? YOU STOMP AND YOU STAMP AND YOU SHATTER MY JAW, That's against the law NO MORE DAD I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU SAD universetwisters 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 Off-topic: I f*ckin' lost it at your username. Christ, I remember that advert. On-topic: As a whole piece, it seems very cathartic. Simplistic in prose, and it seems that you wrote it very quickly. It works as a whole piece but maybe it's a little too relative and a bit basic in terms of rhyme but what would I know? I'm not 100% on poetry. "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lombard Direct Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 Off-topic: I f*ckin' lost it at your username. Christ, I remember that advert. On-topic: As a whole piece, it seems very cathartic. Simplistic in prose, and it seems that you wrote it very quickly. It works as a whole piece but maybe it's a little too relative and a bit basic in terms of rhyme but what would I know? I'm not 100% on poetry. Thanks. It feels great to have it out of my system. I've been bottling this up since the 90s. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mokrie Dela Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 To give him the benefit of the doubt (9 posts since 2003... hmmm): Simple piece, and it's quite childlike. Almost likable, but too basic, too bare. Rhyming is a little forced, and the whole thing's kind of vague. It did make me think of the bridge of Down With The Sickness, though, so now i'm gonna listen to that. The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing. Click here to view my Poetry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
universetwisters Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 I liked it! It's kinda relatable to me though, seeing as my mom's kinda like that. But overall, good read and nicely simple! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. House Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 This is pure beauty. theadmiral 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Acehilm Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 My god. This is great. Build Up Your Survivor 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Build Up Your Survivor Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 Such raw beauty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vercetti42 Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 This actually made me laugh a bit. But if I am serious here though, your use of rhyming words is decent but it's the format and the events that jump out of nowhere that make me rate this poem below par. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meekail Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 This reminds me of a piece I wrote in school about my dad when I was on Grade 3. Nifty stuff. Build Up Your Survivor 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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