A quest for pu$$y and AC IV: Black Flag.

[orbitalraindrops]

As most of you know I can be a bit of a maverick at times. A renegade. A soldier of fortune. A lone wolf without a pack. Unfortunately this didn't really come across to my uni pals. I'd gone to university with the high hopes of becoming a chick magnet. I envisioned my freshers to be one long endless orgy. Hundreds of vaginas thrust into my face. Slightly chubby, alternative humanities students screaming my name in cries of passion. This was not the case. Two months in and my only notable "conquests" had taken the form of me grinding on a mutual friend and a old male predator propositioning me. The episode with the mutual friend took place at a gig. I had insufflated large quantities of Racemic Ketamine and as I floated in that lovely gooey k hole space I reminded myself that I needed to pull this bitch. I tried to do so by repeatedly jabbing my semi into her butt. It didn't work. I have not seen her since.

 

The incident with the male predator on the other hand was at a gay club. We all went there because we thought

it'd make us contemporary and quirky. Turns out it didn't. He was Irish and I did not understand a word he said. Everything was so mired in a quagmire of syllables and IRA angst. I did however understand his salivating mouth, throbbing crotch and dialted pupils. He was out for anus. I normally am as well, make no mistake. But that night I was not. A case of the runs brought about by a mid morning kebab had crippled me. My body was not in the mood. I downed my apple sourz and left in search of better prey.

 

But this is not a tale about them. They are events of the past. I am a being of the present. This is about a game. Or more specifically my interaction with a game. A game I now hate. A game I now despise with every essence of my being. This game is called Assasins Creed: Black Flag. I wanted this game. For numerous reasons. I saw alot of myself in Edward Kenway. Handsome. Athletic. Determined. An unchained beast. A weapon in human form. The trailers astounded me. Perhaps this could revive the AC series. Redeem it from the smeg pile that is Assasins Creed 3. I had to have it. I even had some money saved away for it which was fortunate. In 2 months £900 of my student loan had been blown on class A's, a brief albeit expensive obsession with gluten free food and a pair of classic Nike sneakers, now covered in rain, mud and a particularly sticky dog sh*t.. Times were tight. But this was more important than having 3 meals a day. I needed this game.

 

Picture the scene. A sunny saturday afternoon. I galavante like an untamed stallion into HMV and pick up the nearest copy. The cashier is hot. Pierced nose. Green hair. Pseudo spiritual tattoo on her wrist. I give her a smile. Show lots of teeth. Keep the gum to a minimum. She smiles back. She wants it, I know it. I can already smell her engorged vagina. I bet her clitoris is pierced. I slap the copy of Assasins Creed down. Toss a couple of crumpled up twenties at her like it was nothing (I need to seem like a high roller. Not someone who's into his overdraft) and wait for her to scan it. Her name tag says Stacy.

"So Stacy is it?"

"Yep... that's my name"

"You like games?"

It's worth noting that at this point I was referring to "games" in two senses. The first sense was that of video games. But the second much more alluring sense was the sloppy, dirty anal sex type of games. Either way it seemed to go over her head.

"Yeah I like to game a bit"

She handed me my bag and gave me my receipt.

As soon as I took the receipt I whipped out a blue biro. I always carry a biro around. It comes in handy for situations like this or when I have to sign my autograph. I scribbled my number down on the receipt and gave it back to her.

"How about you and me, play this together sometime?".

I gave her a wink and tensed my upper body, trying to subtly show off my gym membership.

"No I'm alright thanks. I don't like assassins creed."

She gave the receipt back to me and gave me the most manufactured smile I have ever seen.

"Have a nice day"

 

The blood withdrew from my penis and rushed to my face. I quickly made my exit out of there. To make matters even worse the game was sh*t. WAAAAAAY too much desmond for my liking. See if Assasins Creed was a quality series I would be knee deep in some f*cking f*ck buddy pun right now. But I'm not because it's sh*t and she didn't like it. So instead I'm typing this. f*ck you Ubisoft. f*ck you.

Edited November 28, 2013 by orbitalraindrops

[Empty World]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mNWylxXuKY

Sry I can't help myself

[RoadRunner71]

This huge wall of text just to say you were rejected?

[Majestic81]

Geez, people here are really f*cking lonely. aren't they?

[Empty World]

No

[Typhus]

You shouldn't waste money on video games if your account is overdrawn.

[GunWrath]

a maverick, a lone ranger... whaa? I've never even heard of you.

[Tacymist]

"So Stacy is it?"

"Yep... that's my name"

"You like games?"

It's worth noting that at this point I was referring to "games" in two senses. The first sense was that of video games. But the second much more alluring sense was the sloppy, dirty anal sex type of games. Either way it seemed to go over her head.

 

You should've been more straight forward. Next time you ask a girl if she likes games and she says yes, tell her you want to have sloppy, dirty anal sex as well. If she asks why, tell her because that way you're both able to face the screen and play. She'll recognize the genius behind the penis and be aching for your junk.

[El Dildo]

I call BS on this story.

aside from the silly rejection story, you obviously never played the game.

 

too much Desmond in Black Flag?

nigga' you crazy. Desmond is dead as a doornail. the only time he appears in Black Flag is to have his organs harvested.

 

...spoiler alert

[GTA_stu]

Good job staying away from that Irishman. He was probably trying to subvert you into his anti-unionist ideology. Forget the orgies and Stacy with the green hair. The Queen still loves you and she always will. Now go get tucked up in your Union Jack bed spread, and make yourself a nice hot cup of cocoa. You can drink it from your Prince George commemorative mug.

 

Now sleep tight and don't have nightmares about Alex Salmond.

Edited November 28, 2013 by GTA_stu

[universetwisters]

This is f*cking hilarious. Even funnier since my second ex obsessed over Assassins Creed to an unhealthy degree (much like me and GTA), and unlike my first ex, never put out.

[Harley]

I pictured you as more of a Goose.

[DeafMetal]

No

Hey crab man.

[Mr. House]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mNWylxXuKY

Sry I can't help myself

 

[rudy]

I scribbled my number down on the receipt and gave it back to her.

There's your mistake. Honestly, that's the kinda sh*t chicks tend to do. You shoulda made your move like a man here. Like, you know, talk to her (not about that sh*tty game though), get to know more about her you know. No one would say yes if you're just all gonna be like "hey gal, here's my numbr, hit me up... we'll have some sexor!"

 

sorry but you came off as a male prostitute at the end. You creeped the bitch out.

[Tyler]

Your first mistake was not getting it on with that pederast. The Irish accent is noble and glorious, your attempts to mark it as indecipherable only serve to show that your ability to pull the sexuals is exaggerated. That's right, orbital, I just said you're a common ham snatcher. I dare you try and find any sort of evidence to the contrary.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Preferably in picture form.

[Finn 7 five 11]

Whether the story is real or not, you make me cringe with your attempted hook ups. The appropriate word is "creeper".

 

Some Asian guy who moved Australia I used to work with years ago in hospitality asked all the regulars for numbers, names ect. I had to tell him to stop because he was going to scare them away, it's just creepy.

[Mr. Scratch]

Ask her if she lieks mudkipz.

[WBaker]

I think many of you have years of virginity to look forward to. Just ask a girl out without theatrics. You want to grab a drink/coffee?

 

I hear rejection is normal for other people so don't take it too hard.

[Finn 7 five 11]

I think many of you have years of virginity to look forward to. Just ask a girl out without theatrics. You want to grab a drink/coffee?

 

I hear rejection is normal for other people so don't take it too hard.

See that would work for any normal person like me or you, however judging by orbitalraindrops own description of himself at times, he draws an image in my head of a fedora wearing chubby guy who has big black circles around his eyes, greasy black hair not styled, lots of zits, and kinda walks around with his mouth hanging open a bit and a really gigantic right arm.

[SouthLand]

The fastest way to get laid is going online on hook up website and targeting MILFs who just have had a divorce.

[Creed Bratton]

That was a rookie mistake. You should be embarrassed and emotionally scared for life. Of course women don't like Assassin's Creed games. Especially Black Flag. It's about a man that walks around with two hidden blades, two swords and four pistols and on top of that he steals a big ship. He is obviously overcompensating. Same goes for the fans of the series. I'm a fan as well so I know what I'm talking about. I'm overcompensating right now, you just can't see it.

 

But you can still be a chick magnet. You just need to get your electrons in order.

Edited November 29, 2013 by The Yokel

[WBaker]

But you can still be a chick magnet. You just need to get your electrons in order.

Does that require a Heisenberg compensater or just licking a electrical outlet?

[orbitalraindrops]

I can assure you I don't wear fedoras. I'm not chubby either. The rest of your description was pretty spot on though. Zits and hair aren't as bad as they used to be. You paint a picture of me being a 4chan atheist. I'm more of a tumblr "spiritualist".

[Empty World]

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mNWylxXuKY

Sry I can't help myself

 

 

Hahahahaha, that's exactly how I imagine his "quest".

[Moth]

 

But you can still be a chick magnet. You just need to get your electrons in order.

Does that require a Heisenberg compensater or just licking a electrical outlet?

Nope, you just need this special white sticky spray I make on a daily basis. You can have a bottle of it for $9.95, and you to can become a chick magnet.

[theadmiral]

Posting in made up story/troll thread

[GTA36362355]

Posting in made up story/troll thread

I always find you dismissing all such threads as troll threads. What's up with you? Why do you find it difficult to trust people? Asking genuinely, man.

[Spaghetti Cat]

Probably a Minecraft/Sims fan IMO...

[theadmiral]

 

Posting in made up story/troll thread

I always find you dismissing all such threads as troll threads. What's up with you? Why do you find it difficult to trust people? Asking genuinely, man.

 

You'll only find me saying that in obviously made up troll threads. Don't let me stop you from enjoying a good (but obvious) piece of fiction though. Go read the OP again.

Edited November 29, 2013 by theadmiral