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Pooyan Cyrus

Grand Theft Auto: Ultimate

Recommended Posts

fuzzel

but will it blend, that is the question.


honestly though.

WHERE DO I GET THIS

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Pooyan Cyrus

THIS IS A CONCEPT, MR. FUZZEL!

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fuzzel

THIS IS A CONCEPT, MR. FUZZEL!

well get working then. i would offer to help, but my computer hardley runs anything.

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Pooyan Cyrus

Check "Activities" sections, 8 activities added :)

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Dextroyerar

Nice project, man, hope you keep the good work!!! :lol:

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[...]

When info about TV Shows? :)

[OffTopic]Check my new concept - GTA VI: Vice City[/OffTopic]

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Pooyan Cyrus

@S13: I'll do them when the radios are finished. The first missions of "Bitten and Risen" are coming.

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Pooyan Cyrus
Mission 1 Chin Ho

No Boss


Cutscene:

[A snowplow is going slowly through Ludendorff road. A car is behind it. Two guys are in the car]

Guy: Sh*t... There's a heavy snow. We should wait.

Second Guy: F*ck you then. The robbery was YOUR idea.

Guy: Shut the f*ck up and wait.

Second Guy: Let's stop this endless swearing, Chin.

Chin: Why don't you eat something?

Second Guy: Because I'm stuck in a cold land and my dick is freezing.

Chin: Let's go to that restaurant.

[The guys park their cars near the LudenFoodd restaurant and get out of their cars. The theme song starts to play and you see the titles]


[The guys come out of restaurant. The road is clean now.]

Chin: Don't be lazy, Tim. Come on...

Tim: Ok, Ok, I'm here... Er... Don't you drive now?

Chin: I'm ready!


Objective:

Drive through the Ludendorff and find the Motel.


Main Objective: Go to the Motel and get a room.


-------------------


Mission 2: A Day Ago Multi-Protag

This mission starts right when you pass first mission


Cutscene:

[broker, Liberty State, 2013 September. It's a night.

Chin Ho and Tim are in a nightclub. Tim aims at the guards and kills one of them]

Tim: Be Quick, Chin!

[Chin comes downstairs with three bags. Gives one of them to Tim.]

Chin: Run Run Run!

[You're three star wanted]


Objectives:

1. Get out of the club.

2. Get in the getaway car.

3. Drive to the airport.

4. Kill the guards.

5. Get into the airport.

6. Get in a Mamatus.


Cutscene:

[The plane lands near Midway Town, Maxie Side Country]

Tim: Find a car Chin, be quick.


Objective:

7. (Chin) Get a car.

8. Pick up Tim.


Main Objective: Drive to Ludendorff, NY.


-------------------


Mission 3: Poor Men Multi-Protag

Boss: Chin Ho Lee


Cutscene:

[Chin is throwing things to sides. He is looking for the money bags.]

Tim: What are you doing?

Chin: Where are the bags?

Tim (Shouts): F*CK!

Chin: There are many pro criminals here.... We are just newbies...

Tim: Without that money we couldn't do anything.

Chin: I already knew that.

Tim: We should find our money.

Chin: No... We couldn't find it...

Tim: We should rob here. Just be faster than last time.


Objectives:

1. (Tim) Walk downstairs carefully.

2. Aim at the receptionist.

3. (Chin) Run to the downstairs and search for the fund.

4. (Tim) Pick up the bag from hall's corner.

5. Pick up the cash.

6. Get out of the Motel.

7. (Chin) Get a car and pick up Tim.


Main Objective: Drive to Whiteland.


-------------------


Heist: Frost 24/7


Note: You should do the Whiteland's heists before getting access to Cargo town.


There's a big 24/7 at Whiteland. It's a huge shop because it's the only 24/7 shop in NY.


-------------------


Heist 2: SMC Garage


SMC Garage is a Snowmobile Mod garage in Whiteland. The owners are rich because they're oldest Snowmobile modders in NY.


-------------------


Heist 3: Burgershot


This is the only Fast Food in the nearby area. The other one is Cluckin Bell in Cargo Town.

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fuzzel

another one of my useless inputs: I wanna help, but dunno how

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Pooyan Cyrus

Mission 4: Cargo CriminalChin Ho

Boss: Tim Texas

Cutscene:
Tim: Hey Chin! I've found something interesting!
Chin: Your interesting finds are mostly boring.
Tim: Your words bite me. F*ck you and your words. Anyway, I think I've found the money bags stealer.
Chin: Huh?
Tim: Yea. He's a famous criminal in Cargo.
Chin: Are you sure he's the man we're lookin' for?
Tim: Yea I'm sure.
Chin: Let's find him... Who did tell these things to you?
Tim: A Taxi driver. They always tell myths!

Objectives:
1. Go to Cargo.
2. Look for a trailer.
3. Search the trailer.

Main Objective: Call the number on the card.

Phone Call:
Tim: Hello?
Girl: Er... You?
Tim: Who are you?
Girl: Holy sh*t! Pranksters everywhere!

-------------------


Mission 5: No Crime Down The HillMulti-Protag

Boss: Tim Texas

Cutscene:
[Tim is shhoting at a tree with his sniper]
Tim: That damn motherf*cker has gone.
Chin: To where? Let's not think about that money.
Tim: No! Never! I should go to the Downhill. He could be there.

Objectives:
1. (Tim) Drive to Downhill Village.
2. Get out of the car and walk to the trailer at back of the graveyard.

Cutscene:
[Tim turns back]
Tim: Nobody there...
[suddenly he shakes his to a grave. Cam zooms on the gravestone]
Tim: Oh... Oh my god! See... Look at it...! Mehdi Zarei... My dad, here?
Chin: What? You told me your father was drown... Didn't you?
[Tim kneels, crying]
Tim: No there's something here...
[A little text on the stone reads: "T. Philips. Remember the name."]
Chin: T. Philips... T. Philips... (Shouts) That's Trevor Philips. We should... We should finish him!
Tim: Why? Perhaps he's my father... Maybe he's changed his name or...?!
Chin: No he's a murderer. He killed Johnny K you don't remember?
Tim: Aw... It was 3 years ago... Huh? Trevor Philips? Oh...
[Tim falls on the ground]
[Chin puts his mouth on Tim's ear]
Chin: We should kill him. (Shouts) NOW GET UUUUUPPPPP!
Tim (Gets up and Shouts): F*****CCCCKKK! Oh, I need a knife! I should kill somebody!
Chin: Ok ok don't kill me then! He should be in Midway now. That's a nice place to escape to.

Objectives:
3. (Chin) Get in the car and pick up Tim.
4. Drive to Midway Town, Maxie.
5. Get out of the car and go to Cafe.

Cutscene:
Chin: I take a look at there, you better stay in the car.
[Chin gets in and talks to the waiter]
Chin: Waiter, Do you know people around here?
Waiter: Yes, most of them, sir.
Chin: I'm looking for somebody named Trevor Philips. Where does he live?
[The girl on the chair stands up]
Girl: Trevor Philips?
Chin: Do you know him?
Girl (Says in Chin's ear): Yes. He's in this town. I want to kill him!
Chin: Ok, let's talk about this out of here... Who are you?
Girl: I'm Tracey... Aren't you the man who called me yesterday?! Hmm...
Chin: Yes I am... Wow! Tracey De Santa?! Aren't you the 123 TV star?
Tracey: Shshsh... Be quiet! Trevor and my dad were friends but... (Cries) I don't know what happened.
Chin: He killed my friend, too... Where should we go now?
Tracey: Get a room at "Midway Five Star". I'm there for now.

Main Objective: (Tim) Pick up Tracey and Chin and drive to Midway Five Star.

-------------------


Mission 6: Sweet Revenge Multi-Protag

Boss: Tracey De Santa


Cutscene:
[Tracey gets out of her hotel room]
Tracey: Are you ready?
Tim: Yea of course.
Tracey: He's at a little house in west side of the town.
Chin: Will you come?
Tracey: No... But... I want something from you!
Tim: What?
Tracey: He has a tattoo on his neck. Shoot that point please, and say this is Michael's revenge.
Tim(Looks at Tracey): He killed my father, too...
Chin: And Johnny...

Objectives:
1. (Tim) Drive to Trevor's house.
2. (Chin) Break the door.
3. (Tim) Run at the Trevor.

Cutscene:
[Trevor punches Tim's head]
Trevor (Shouts): You want to deal with death, eh?

Objective:
4. (Chin) Kick his stomach!

Cutscene:
[Trevor falls on the ground]
Trevor: Hey... please, please don't kill me! Who are you?
Tim: You killed my father, in Downhill Village...
Chin: And you shooted Johnny to die...

Main Objective: (Tim) Aim your pistol at his neck.

Cutscene:
Tim(Smiling): Here We go! (Shoots his neck) One bullet for my dad... (Shoots again) One for Michael...
Chin(Shoots for last time): And one for Johnny!
Trevor (whining): Micha... Mi...
Tracey (Runs in): Oh... Thank you, Thank you! (Kicks Trevor's dead head) Go to hell!
Tim: What are you doing here?
Tracey: Just wanted to give this to you.
[Gives some cash to Tim]

Reward: 50000$ Edited by PooyanCyrus

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fuzzel

Hi everybody! Sorry for the 10-day delay. My Internet connection is f**ked up and I've came here from a [email protected] internet coffee. ;)

Check out the "Websites", I've added info on 6 ones.

 

fuzzel: Joined: 4 days ago, I've seen many others like you!

S13: I'm seeking for some Polish people, since I haven't listened even ONE polish song! :D Anyway, what happened to your new GTA VI concept? It has been disappeared from your signature.

RMolloy24: Thanks.

mnmn1234: Yea North Yankton! Any problem with that?!

fuzzel: Joined: 4 days ago, I've seen many others like you!

I've seen many others like you

many others like you

trust me bro, you haven't seen anyone like me. nu-uh.

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fuzzel

@fuzzel: Talking about Peugeot Pars and IranKhodro Samand... You sound Iranian! No they're never going to be included in the vehicle list because they're mostly found in Iran and not USA! Too much persian gta players here...

 

Btw, I'm going to add two new Radio Stations: "World Wide Hip Hop" and "Global Pop Radio". I'm also replacing "Country Side FM" with "Radio Sense".

awwww. i have a strange feeling that you too are iranian, and it CERTAINLY has nothing to do with your name. And obviously nothing at all to do with all the creativity and awesomeness you are spitting out. but PLEASE, can you atleast TRY?

and p.s. why not give the persian players something to enjoy? I haven't been in like, 3 years, and can't find any pics to bring back happy memories, so putting them on, and having the opportunity to pimp the **** outta them, people would love. and where else do you get such good looking cars?except united states.

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Pooyan Cyrus

Yea I'm Iranian and I've said many times before. But why do you spam around this topic making useless posts?!

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fuzzel

Yea I'm Iranian and I've said many times before. But why do you spam around this topic making useless posts?!

^that's one way to ruin people. you should probably know im a bit insane, and waaay different and wierd :p

suggestion, if you're gonna add car mods, add cambeer and hellaflush too? :]

 

Refer to my post i made earlier today.

Edited by fuzzel

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Racecarlock

You need VCPR, WKTT, Blaine County Radio, and Public Liberty Radio in there.

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Pooyan Cyrus

Mission 7: Bestown BaylifeMulti-Protag

Boss: N/Y


[Chin is looking at street through the room's window.]
Chin: Have you ever thought about something.
Tim: Again you and your dumb questions. What do you mean?
Chin: I mean, think... Why are we here? What do we want to do? Are we going back to North Yankton, or Liberty City? What are we going to do?
Tim: Interesting question... We do whatever takes us to money. Ok?
Chin: Anything?
Tim: Almost anything.
Chin: So we do almost anything to get money. Money for what?
Tim: Fo' life. Have you been read philosophy books recently?
Chin: No, I've been doing nonsense things.
Tim: Was it nonsense to kill Johnny's murdere? Was it? Or getting our money back, while meeting a TV star? Seems like your brain is affected by cold weather. Let's go to somewhere else.
Chin: Where?
Tim: Hmm... Bestown. We should go to Bestown. There are a lot of things to do in Bay Area.

Objectives:
1. (Tim) Get in your car.
2. Pick up Chin
3. Drive to Bestown Bay Area.

Cutscene:
[somebody knocks on car's window]
Man: Hey, I want a guard for my truck. Would you help me?
Chin: How much do you pay?
Man: 50 thousand bucks.
Chin: I come. What're you gonna do, Tim?
Man: Could you move your car after the truck?
Tim: I do that for 25 thousand bucks.
Man: Okay... That ain't no problem.

Objectives:
4. (Chin) Get in the right door of the car.
5. A car is trying to shoot the truck. Shoot 'em down.
6. (Tim) Two bikers are coming near the truck. Take them down the road.

Main Objective: Buy a house with garage in Bestown.
Reward: 50000$

[Chin looks at the house]
Chin: This is best town to live in!
[Tim smiles]

-------------------

Mission 8: BusinessmanTim

Self-Given Mission


[Chin is sat on an armchair, playing a racing game on his phone.]
Tim: I'm goin' to bay. Don't you come?
Chin: No.
Tim: Yea... It's better for you to play with your phone, kiddie.
Chan [While moving his phone]: Shut up!

Objectives:
1. Go to the Bay Area.
2. Go and talk with that man.

[The man looks at Tim seriously]
Man: What are you lookin' for?
Tim: I always look for bucks!
Man: Ok then... Can you dive a boat?
Tim: Yea. Dive to where?
Man [Lights a cigarette]: To Wintown.
Tim: That's a long way. You should pay good for it, shouldn't you?
Man: How about 70 thousands?
Tim: Go upper.
Man: 90 thousands.
Tim: That's good now.
Man: Go to the big warehouse near southern boatyard. There's a guy named Alfonso there. Meet him and say that you want Weed for Peter Bohan.
Tim: Weed?
Man: Any problem with that?
Tim [Looks at the ground a little]: Er... No. No.

Objectives:
3. Get in the boat.
4. Dive to Wintown.
5. Get the weed package.

Main Objective: Cops have spotted you. Lose them and go back to Bestown.
Reward: 90000$

-------------------

Mission 9: Working for Money Tim

Boss: Peter Bohan


[Tim's phone starts ringing]
Peter: Tim!
Tim: Peter. What's going on?
Peter: You done your job quick and nice. Will you work for me?
Tim: I just work for money.
Peter: Oh, come on... Won't you do something money-making, either?
Tim: It depends on what it is.
Peter: Robbing a guy.
Tim: I'll do that.
Peter: Thank you man! He lives in a garage in downtown. Rob his phone and meet me at bay.
Tim: Just wait for me.

Objectives
1. Go to Downtown.
2. Find the guy in green coat.
3. Punch and kick him until he falls on the ground.
4. Take his phone.

Main Objective: Go to the bay.
Reward: 20000$ Edited by PooyanCyrus

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Pooyan Cyrus

Check "Characters" and new missions.

What happened to Michael and Trevor? Are they alive in 2015?

If you think Trevor was best and most bad-ass guy in gta series, read 4, 5 and 6 missions of "Bitten and Risen" episode.

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MythicalCreature

I like your concept, my only problems are that in episode 2, mission 3, you basically have to wait and drive. It would be great to have the da nang thang or the japanese trying to kill Jing Liang on the way instead, methinks. And missions 8 and 9 feel too small. Wouldn't it be smarter to merge them together? Just my opinion though, otherwise great thread

Edited by bengalboy_0701

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Pooyan Cyrus

Thanks, and... In the mission 3 of Casino Addict they attacked the meeting place you picked up two guards and they protected him.

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Tyla

Check "Characters" and new missions.

What happened to Michael and Trevor? Are they alive in 2015?

If you think Trevor was best and most bad-ass guy in gta series, read 4, 5 and 6 missions of "Bitten and Risen" episode.

 

The idea of killing Trevor off is good, but your execution of it is came across as either unintentionally hilarious or a parody of you-know-who's demise in GTAV. Come on. I dislike Trevor immensly but you can do better than that. Build him up as a proper antagonist over missions and then have your protagonist slay him. It'll be much better than portraying him against character for sh*ts and giggles.

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Pooyan Cyrus

 

Check "Characters" and new missions.

What happened to Michael and Trevor? Are they alive in 2015?

If you think Trevor was best and most bad-ass guy in gta series, read 4, 5 and 6 missions of "Bitten and Risen" episode.

 

The idea of killing Trevor off is good, but your execution of it is came across as either unintentionally hilarious or a parody of you-know-who's demise in GTAV. Come on. I dislike Trevor immensly but you can do better than that. Build him up as a proper antagonist over missions and then have your protagonist slay him. It'll be much better than portraying him against character for sh*ts and giggles.

 

At first I wanted to make him the main Antagonist of 3rd episode but then I came up with new ideas and then, was when I got the revenge, myself! You know, I made him die badly with 3 shots on his "Cut Here" tattoo and showing him a loosy man, just like they shown Johnny in V.

 

Anyway, check out the first page, there are many changed and/or new things! ;)

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Tyla

Johnny didn't really have any friends to avenge him though, did he?

This might sound a bit rich coming from someone who went ending A largely because of the way Johnny was portrayed, but my feeling is that Johnny was disliked so much by the events of GTAV that no one would miss him, let alone seek vengance on his behalf. TLMC seem to have turned their backs on their brother, holding him accountable for the huge part he played in their downfall. He's consumed by drug addiction because he's seen most of his friends die. Really, there's no one left.

 

You also have to place yourself in Chin's shoes. What's in it for him by murdering Trevor, apart from honoring a long rotting bunch of Alderney pisslickers? Wouldn't it make more of an impact for Chin to try and go into business with Trevor, only for Trevor to try and screw him over the same as he did to Johnny? (Because that's essentially what Johnny's downfall was to Trevor -- a double cross.)

 

Anyway. Enough of my carry on.

I'm going to start calling this topic Grand Theft Auto: Macy's, because it has everything!

 

Seriously. I can see how hard you've worked on this. All the side-missions you could ever want and a special mention for the radio stations, which have to be some of the most extensive I have seen.

 

As I said in the Creators Lounge, I like the episodic nature of your story. All the protagonists you have going on are a little hard to follow. We'll see where you go next.

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SonofYankton

why no love for south yankton?

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Pooyan Cyrus

@Tyla: After all these episodes, an EPIC final mission comes... ;) However, Tim also didn't see his father since when he was 8 and Tracey payed them to do this, so let's forget it, I mean, there is an even more worse antagonist there!

 

@mnmn1234: No South Yankton, sorry!

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Rebel Yell

Especially, I'd like to bring a comment to this topic for a long time but I'm kinda busy with school work and I study outside the town.

 

I agree with Tyla, man. It's okay, Trevor deserved to die, I have no problem with that. Although Trevor became my second favourite protagonist (because how his characteristic is set, I found it very successful), I'm not an extremist, don't think like that. :D It's good that you turned back from the idea making Trevor the main antagonist of the chapter, because I couldn't imagine Trevor as a main antagonist, minor can be okay though. My problem is the reflection of Trevor's characteristic. I had problems with Johnny's reflection in V first but I understood it later, Johnny got OP'd with meth after the bruises he got from Liberty City and the new ones from Los Santos. Johnny got miserable and screwed himself over with meth. However, Trevor is a NATURAL sociopath, it's in his nature, he may just get loosy on the ones he's fond of, he loves. Look at his manner towars Johnny, The Lost, O'Neil Brothers, Online-Player, even Ron and Wade (although he's kinda fond of these two), he doesn't care. That's why I didn't understand why Trevor pleaded for his life to Tim and Chin, except for having him tell "Please, don't kill me", "A'right, cowboys. You want to f*ck me? Then go ahead! And you also want me to put on a lingerie, huh!?" would be more like Trevor's style.

 

However, I appreciate your work because you seem to work a lot on this project and trying to something kinda different. Also, I've been some improvements in missions, keep going. :^:

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Pooyan Cyrus

@MarijuanaMonkey: Thanks.

I'm writing missions 10-15 of "Bitten and Risen" and on the other side, I'm working on the Televisions. More missions are coming, just wait.

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Pooyan Cyrus
Mission 10: The Raw Deal Tim

Self-Given Mission


[Tim is walking to the bay. Peter is talking on his phone. Suddenly a black Kuruma drifts in front of him. One of guys in the car gets out, punches Peter and throws him in the car]

Peter [screams]: Help! Heeelp! Oh... Tim! Help me!

[The car drives away fast]


Objectives:

1. There is a sniper on the ground. Pick it up.

2. Take a car and follow them. Try to take that car down.


[The black car drifts into a narrow avenue]


Objectives:

3. Climb the wall to roof of the building.

4. Jump through roof of the houses to the last one.

5. The car parks in a garage. Shoot those guys with sniper when they get out of their car.


Cutscene:

[Tim climbs the wall down and jumps from that house's door and runs to Peter. Peter's face is half-bloody]

Tim: What happened, man?

Peter: Oh... Er... Nevermind.

Tim: You should get treated.

Peter: No, I'm fine.

Tim: Your face is saying something else.


Main Objective: Take Peter to nearest Hospital.


-------------------


Mission 11: Captain Texas Tim

Boss: Peter Bohan


[Peter is on a boat. Looks at Tim.]

Tim: How're you man? Are you better?

Peter [sarcastic]: Oh Mommy! I have a pain in my ass!

[They both laugh]

Peter: A Cocaine ship is coming from San Fierro. Would you love some action?

Tim: Who doesn't?

Peter: Come on.


Objectives:

1. Buy a SMG.

2. Get in the boat.

3. Shoot ship's guards as you get near them.

4. Climb the side ladder.

5. Kill all guards and the Captain.


[Peter calls Tim]

Peter: Good job Captain Texas! Now follow me!


Main Objective: Take control of Ship and move it through Bestown Bay.

Reward: 80x Cocaine, 40000$


-------------------


Mission 12: Dangerous Maxie Tim

Self-Given Mission


[Tim is sitting on a chair, texting a girl on LifeInvader in his phone. His phone rings.]

Tim [loudly]: Aaaah sh*t! The chat got f*cked up! [Answers the call]

Tim: Who the f*ck are you?

Unknown Man: Hey, don't swear from the start! I've heard you've got a lot of Cocaine.

Tim: What do you want?

Unknown Man: I buy them all for 80 thousand dollars. Is it okay?

Tim: Do I seem so dumb? [Ends the call. Girl has written "Where have you gone? :(" Tim starts answering when the phone rings again. Tim answers the call]

Tim: Aaaaah! F*cker!

Man: How 'bout 95 thousands?

Tim: 100.

Man: Okay. Come to the Victoria District.


Objectives:

1. Get a pickup truck and put Cocaine boxes in it.

2. Somebody stole the truck! Get him!

3. Truck is too damaged. Go to a spray and repair shop.

4. Drive to the Victoria district.

5. Get the money.

6. Some orange-wearing guys from both sides of street are walking at you. They killed the dealer. Escape with the truck!


Main Objective: Police has spotted the drugs. Lose the heat and park the truck in your garage.


-------------------


Mission 13: Hispan Oranges Multi-Protag

Boss: Chin Ho Lee


[Chin is walking down the street when he sees Tim]

Chin: How's everything?

Tim: Sh*tty, absolutely sh*tty.

Chin [smiling]: It seems you're in trouble. That's what I understand everytime you talk about sh*t!

Tim: Don't walk on my nerve! Some orange guys hit Peter badly, and yesterday they ambushed my deal. Isn't it pure sh*t?

Chin: Yes, it is, but do you know who they are? They're the "Oranges". They're really powerful. Don't mess with them.

Tim: I want to DO! [starts walking to east side]

Chin: What are you doing? Hey... Wait!


Objectives:

1. (Chin)Get sticky bombs.

2. (Tim) Get a car and pick up chin.

3. Drive to Victoria District.

4. Get out of the car.

5. Stick bombs to black cars in sides of street.

6. (Chin) Get to the roof of blue house.

7. (Tim) Join Chin.

Main Objective: Detonate the bomb when they get in their cars.


Reward: 30000$

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Pooyan Cyrus

Mission 14: Flying High Multi-Protag

Boss: Tim Texas

[Tim is walking upstairs to get to the apartment. Chin opens the door and Tim gets in]
Tim: Yo, Chin.
Chin: Huh?
Tim: Could you fly a helicopter?
Chin: That's for sure.
Tim: There's some Cocaine in a truck in garage. A dealer in Alderney wants them. I don't know how to fly, so you better take control of it.
Chin: Okay, Let's go.

Objectives:
1. (Tim) Pick up Chan and drive to the bayside.

Cutscene:
[Peter is smoking. He shakes his hand with Tim and then looks at Chan]
Peter: Who's he?
Tim: Oh... He's Chin Ho Lee, my friend. He's a helicopter pilot.
Peter: Oh, Nice to see you, Chin!
Chin: Glad to meet you!
Peter: So you want the helicopter yea?
Chin: Yes.
Peter: It's landed on the ship.

Objectives:
2. (Chin) Get in the heli.
3. (Tim) Carry boxes to the helicopter.
4. Get in the helicopter.
5. (Chin) Start flying to Alderney.
6. (Tim) Shoot Hispan helicopters coming.
7. (Chin) Land on the specified place.

Cutscene:
[Tim climbs the ladder down and knocks the door. A man opens the door.]
Tim: Hi, I'm Tim. You wanted some drugs, didn't you?
Man: Umm, yea. 10 boxes of Cocaine, right?
Tim: Yea, and the price is 90 thousands.
Man: It's right. Here's your money.

8. (Chin) Throw the boxes down for the man.

Cutscene:
[Tim climbs the ladder and sits on an useless stair there. Then he looks at his phone]
Tim: It's 10 PM. I think we couldn't go back to Bestown tonight. Do you have any money?
Chin: Ain't that a problem! I have an apartment here.
Tim: Oh, man, I completely forgot it!

Main Objective: (Chin) Fly and land on top of your house.
Reward: 90000$

---------------------

Mission 15: Epic Fail Chin

Self-Given Mission

[Chin is chilling on an armchair]
Tim: Will we go back today?
Chin: Maybe. Before that, I should see somebody.
Tim: Oh, come on man! Who wants to see you in this sh*thole?
Chin: Alderney City is a good, you should just get used to it.
[Tim looks at him confused. Chin walks out of the house.]

Objectives:
1. Go to Jiyoung's apartment.

Cutscene:
[Chin rings the door.]
Jiyoung [with an excited voice]: Wow! Chin! Oh, I can't believe this! Come in.
[The door opens. Chin Walks in. Then the screen fades out and it fades in again when Chin is in her apartment. Jiyoung kisses him.]
Chin: It's been 3 months since the last time I met you.
Jiyoung: Why didn't you come here? I heard you were in Broker.
Chin: No, I were in... Hmm... I went to Midwest and...
[While Chin is talking, two windows break and two Triads come in.]
Chin: Deepsh*t! Glad to see you again, Huang! I'll deep throat you this time!

Objectives:
2. Punch Huang until he falls on ground.

[While Huang and Chin are kicking each other, the other guy escapes with Jiyoung in a car.]

Objectives:
3. (Chin) Get a car and chase that car.

[The car drives to Alonquin very fast and Chin couldn't follow it anymore.]

---------------------

Mission 16: Still Korean Chin

Boss: Jin-Ho Cheon

[Jin-Ho is sat on his chair and turned it to the window, looking at street. Suddenly he turns it back and looks at Chin.]
Jin: Hello, again. My young friend.
[He stands up and puts his hand on Chin's shoulder.]
Jin: You thought I didn't know what you're doing. But I was watching you. All the time.
[He looks at Chin's face]
Jin: I'm almost 55 years old. Who can take control of Korean Mob after me? [shouts] A tough guy who robs a club and escapes to nowhere?
Chin: What should I do now? Tell me about this!
Jin: Take my daughter back!
Chin: Just wait and I'll do that.
Jin: You're so saucy. Just like what I was, when I was at your age. Go and try to scare those Chinese dumbs!
Chin: I'm not a mobster anymore!
Jin: But you ARE a Korean, aren't you? Get the hell outta here, I mean, Chinatown.

[When Chin gets out of Jin-Ho's house, he recieves a message from Tim, saying "I'm deeply sorry Chin, but I went back to Bestown.]

Objectives:
1. Get some molotovs.
2. Go to Chinatown.

Main Objective: Destroy as many vehicles and buildings as you can, in five minutes.
Reward: 20000$

After this mission, protagonist automatically changes to Tim.
---------------------

Mission 17: Robber got Robbed Tim

Self-Given Mission

[A sound could be heard from garage. Tim walks down to see what's going on and that's it! Huang is robbing Tim's car and all his drugs. He drives when Tim arrives.]
Tim: Dumbf*cker!

Objectives:
1. Get a car and go after him.
2. Shoot him from side.
3. Try to take him off the road.
4. Jump into his car.
5. Punch him and become car's driver again.

Cutscene:
[Tim gets out of his. Huang runs away and gets a taxi. Tim calls Peter.]
Tim: Hey, Peter! Triads have came here.
Peter [shouting]: Where the f*ck are you? I know it way better than you! They stole our ship! Come to San Alfredo fast!

Objectives:
6. Go to Douglas bay fast.
7. Get in Peter's boat.
8. Shoot Triads on the ship.

Main Objective: Somebody shooted Peter's right hand. Dive the boat to Alonquin.

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Tyla

Alright, my thoughts on your "Bitten and Risen" episode:

 

From the beginning it feels like I'm following the exploits of two amateur criminals. They're stuck in North Yankton and weren't expecting snow? I like the shift to the second mission taking place around the events the night before, but it moves too fast and doesn't tell us anything. We need more than objectives. Where are they in Broker? Why are they blasting on guards in a nightclub? What is so valuable about the bags? They end up in Maxie and drive all the way to Ludendorff. This is boring and I bet it would be a damn chore.

 

It needs some excitement. They've got three bags with them in the car, I'm assuming filled with drugs or cash. They're going to drive from the arse end of the US to the top end and not be hassled by some slack-jawed backwater Sheriff about their out of state plates? Throw in a police chase or something.

 

Third mission were in Whiteland, pulling heists. I'm new to the topic - where's Whiteland? Are we still in North Yankton? This is where your huge map becomes confusing.

 

The heists are poor, and aren't really heists. They're just going into somewhere and waving a gun around. What's the reward? You need to flesh them out more. Maybe just the one heist and make it count?

 

Cargo Criminal was a waste of time. If you were trying to be scene with a prank call parody, you weren't.

 

Missions 5 and 6 are my least favorite because of how you handle Trevor. I've already given my reasons. His death here is extremely poor, and what happened to Michael?

And Tracey. Tracey De Santa is a f*cking virus with shoes on. If you really must have her in the story, have her blow Chin for five bucks. She's good for nothing else, that pampered plastic tart.

 

Mission 7 takes a much better turn going to Bestown, and I like the opening dialogue between Chin and Tim. It sums up my thoughts in a nutshell: what the f*ck is going on? Again, a drive from North Yankton back to Maxie doesn't exactly thrill me and you should consider they travel by air in a helicopter or something. How do they get a heli? Steal one. It's Grand Theft Auto, isn't it?

 

Mission 8 is underwhelming for the huge $90,000 reward. 90 grand for driving a boat? What is this business and how do I get into it? They need to work harder for their money and the mission I'm reading doesn't justify that reward. Mission 9 is worse for this; $20,000 for slapping a dude in a green coat and taking his phone? Why is the phone worth $20,000??

 

Mission 10 is way over the top but at least it sets up for some nice action in Mission 11.

 

Mission 12: if a bloke called me up and offered me 100 grand for 80 keys of coke I'd tell him to f*ck off, I'll sell it myself for a million. Tim, nice but dim. Dim Tim walks into a trap and loses the drugs. It's very juvenile and would've been better if a proper deal was arranged with the lure of cocaine millions, rather than a mission that involves kill-this-guy, lose the cops. Missed an opportunity here to create an antagonist. Dare I say this is where Trevor would have been better in your story?

 

The Oranges (I'm a Wine Gum man myself) get tango'ed in mission 13 - you tell us why, but not how Tim knows it was the Oranges who jumped his deal. I can imagine how blowing up lots of cars with sticky bombs could be fun (I loved it in GTAV) but there has to be more to it than that.

 

Flying High - YAY, Chin can fly a helicopter! Why the f*ck did he subject himself to driving back and forth between North Yankton and Maxie County then??

 

Flying High could be a lot of fun. It reminds me of Phnom Penh '86. This mission would've been amazing if you wrote it out rather than gave us a list of objectives. Cutscene where Tim delivers the Coke to the buyer made me laugh. Do you remember the mission in GTAIV, Blow Your Cover? Back when Johnny Klebitz was a badass? It was a bust, but Klebitz was hard enough to know that already and never admit to holding drugs: a 20-year prison stretch in itself. Toughen your protags up before they end up shower queens.

 

Mission 15 -- Epic Fail. What can I say? Chin is getting some pussy and in walks HUANG LEE!

It reads like an excuse to throw ANOTHER protagonist into the mix. I'm sorry. I didn't enjoy this girlfriend storyline. It seems you knew yourself that this was a stretch of imagination because I don't see Chin's girlfriend mentioned in the two missions that close out this episode? Did you drop the storyline?

 

I found myself liking Still Korean. I had no idea Chin was Korean, so the dialogue with this character from his past was a nice touch. Jin-Ho Cheon is probably your best written character, IMO. You are much better at writing characters from your own imagination opposed to characters from the series.

 

T'ra, Tim. We never knew 'ya. The only downside to this mission was Tim's text: I'm deeply sorry, but I've f*cked off back to Bestown while you're at your lowest ebb chasing after your kidnapped girlfriend. Chin needs to whoop his ass for that.

 

Your final mission was poor and another cheap excuse to add Huang Lee into the storyline. I thought Dim Tim was in Bestown, what the f*ck is Huang doing there? Five minutes ago he was in Alderney kidnapping Chin's girlfriend? And come to think of it, where's she? If Huang has her bound and gagged in some warehouse servicing a train gang of horny Triad goons, at least tell us!

 

Your huge map lets you down here. Dim Tim has to sail the boat to Algonquin. He's in San Alfredo. It's inconceivable and it seems your throwing missions in just to justify the size of your map. Why not have this mission take place in Alderney? Not somewhere it would take hours to sail to Algonquin? Remember the mission in GTAV where you had to transport those cars from South LS all the way to Paleto Bay? It felt like forever and was a damn chore. And that was just seven or eight miles. It must be at least a thousand miles between the bottom of the map and Liberty City??

 

Pooyan, this could be a lot, lot better. The ideas behind your missions are good - the objectives sound like fun - but we need more of that, and more logic applied to the idea of your concept - especially travelling between states for missions. We need more answers to what is going on in the story. You are doing a great job of making us ask questions about your characters but give us no answers. You begin storylines and just drop them. Try cutting the dialogue next time (or reducing it) and focusing on the action.

 

TLDR:

Not enough action in your missions beyond a list of objectives: focus on improving this. Give me a reason to root for your protagonists. Develop them. Stop including previous protagonists. Work on making sense of your map, or at least contain the area you are writing the episode in because it is very hard to follow. Good luck.

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Pooyan Cyrus

@Tyla: Bitten and Risen isn't ended, you're wrong.

Also, have you read any of "Poirot" books? He does things that seem dumb, but in the end you see how logical they were.

The idea behind "Bitten and Risen" is also this. At first you think stealing that phone and doing many other things were dumb works, but the ending reveals everything.

Edited by PooyanCyrus

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