GTA V - 10 Reasons it Will Definitely Suck.

[EvilFuture]

Edit by Deffpony: I added the article to the OP so that there is no need to leave the page.

 

Seen this on Reddit, and decided to post it here to see what you guys think about this blasphemy.

http://whatculture.com/gaming/gta-v-10-reasons-it-will-definitely-suck.php

This was written a while back before we know what we do now, so do you think the guy who wrote it is eating his words?

 

 

 

1. No Niko? No Interest

Rockstar markedly increased the depth and sophistication of the story for GTA IV, stripping back some of the wackier elements in favour of a tighter, more focused plot. Consider it the Batman Begins re-boot of the GTA world. This new-found maturity was epitomised by world-weary protagonist Niko Bellic, a deeper-than-usual central character. Rounded and well-defined, Bellic was the exact opposite of the usual vanilla cipher video gamers usually play – upon whom they are supposed to import their own personality. Instead we got treated to something far richer: a conflicted immigrant from a war-torn Balkan state, guilty of possible war crimes and looking to leave a life of violence behind him in the New World. However the life of violence and criminality he knew proves difficult to escape and Niko is pulled deeper and deeper into the seedy underbelly of American capitalism.

There was an even sharper sense of satire than usual in the game’s critique of capitalism – far more damning and incisive than many American movies ever get, with money the root of all evil every step of the way. Like Scarface, Niko continually finds that he can get ahead easier with a gun than by making an honest living. Even though they basically had you playing the tracksuit wearing antagonist from Behind Enemy Lines, Niko was likable thanks to his ultimate simple wish to get the hell out of trouble and settle down with a nice Irish girl. Any players who remember how that turned out won’t doubt that GTA IV was the opposite of sick wish-fulfillment.

No, you couldn’t make him enormously fat by eating a dozen hot dogs, but WHY IN HELL WOULD YOU WANT TO?! Niko’s character is defined by the people telling the story rather than by each individual player… which is why it’s worth playing through. I realise we live at a time when its increasingly fashionable for “users” to “generate their own content” or tell their own story, but I’d personally far rather be told one rich story than waste hours playing through one of eleven compromised bland ones. There were fewer side-quests last time around, but then again: why should Niko Bellic take time out to run an ice cream van or become a firefighter?

Expect endless side-quests and a return to hi-octane craziness in GTA V, with a character you can customise to your heart’s content but who has no discernible personality whatsoever. But you’ll probably be allowed to dress him in shocking pink roller-skates with a rainbow Afro, so have fun with that for the twenty seconds it’s funny.

2. Endless Faffing About

Sequels have to get BIGGER. That’s why Sonic got lumbered with Tails and why Mario has gone from a land to a world to a galaxy over the decades. This tragic phenomenon is why the caped crusader recently outgrew the humble but exquisitely detailed confines of Arkham Asylum, exchanging that tight and slowly revealed labyrinth for a sprawling (if flavourless) city. Likewise Rockstar will likely feel the need to give us more, whilst actually giving us much less in terms of a memorable, atmospheric experience.

Cue endless faffing around buying houses and micro-managing restaurants or whatever. “But you don’t have to if you don’t want to” I hear you cry. That’s true. But GTA has always been deeply cynical about capitalism and features like this don’t gel with the game’s character.

The in-game radio stations in GTA IV were a constant wellspring of deliciously black humour and jibes at the contradictions encountered in Western consumer society. This stuff has always been central to the GTA games, of course, yet for the first time the series seemed to be sincere rather than cynical or simply misanthropic. Shorn of the usual tiresome publicity-baiting controversy, GTA even seemed to occupy something like the moral high-ground last time around. Allowing the player to fetishise a collection of hats and fine home furnishings – as they inevitably will – means Rockstar lose the right to make that sort of commentary. Particularly if they try and sell lots of it as DLC (you know they will).

But even if you don’t care whether the game has any integrity or cultural merit (“it’s just a game!”), consider this: if you are able to amass a small, Ian Beale-like empire of mansions, housing blocks and night clubs, then why would your character possibly need to shoot people in the streets every two and a half seconds? If he is a comfortable, rich guy who kills people for money and steals everybody’s motor vehicles, then isn’t he just a bit of a prick, rather than a tragic victim of circumstance? Niko Bellic might be able to buy himself a swankier pad, but you never get the impression he’s more powerful than those hiring him for jobs – because that would spoil the game. In fact the bigger Niko’s apartment gets – and the more expensive his clothes – the lonelier and more desperate he seems to appear.

 

3. Carmageddon

 

The handling of the vehicles was improved immeasurably for the last game, and don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. It’s when the series graduated from pick-up-and-play arcade silliness to something approaching simulation. When a series that’s always been about driving cars actually tried to replicate the feel of driving cars. We constantly hear how “hardcore gamers” aren’t being catered for these days by an industry increasingly obsessed with smartphone games, so you’d think they’d have been happier with this increase in difficulty. But no.

It was tricky to get used to the new mechanics, but once you learned how to handle the cars (the trick is not to hold down the accelerator the entire time – like in real life) it made for an infinitely more rewarding experience. The satisfaction gained when ending a high-speed death-chase with a pristine car, unblemished by dents and bullet-holes, is priceless under such conditions.

Sliding between two oncoming police cars, and then cruising around a tight bend and down an alley way – shedding your 5-star wanted rating en route – is a thrill increased by the extra skill needed to pull it off. Yet Rockstar will no doubt boast of “improved handling” this time around – by which they will almost certainly mean “easier handling (so please stop yelling)”. GTA V is sure to be less Michael Mann and more Michael Bay.

4. Roman, I’m Busy

Using the main character’s mobile phone as the game’s menu system was genius in GTA IV. For one thing, it was a cute reference to the franchise’s routes, with phone boxes a recurring motif in the earlier entries. It was a way of referencing both that original gameplay mechanic – getting given missions by phone – whilst also reflecting the widespread increase in the use of mobile phones since the series began. But more than that – it was an original and eye-catching way of factoring in menus without breaking immersion.

Even the much-maligned phone conversations with in-game pals, whilst admittedly annoying, were a way of connecting you to the characters and the world in a realistic-ish way (even if you were being invited for casual private helicopter rides). I for one always felt a twinge of guilt turning down cousin Roman (or worse, ignoring his call altogether), hearing his dejected tone before hanging up. You were probably right to hang up on the pudgy sad-sack, but it was a pretty ingenious move from Rockstar to give gamer’s the power to either humour and support him, or let him drift off on a wave of self-pity. To me that’s a better and more organic example of player choice than a thousand overly-simplistic dialogue trees.

There wasn’t an obvious consequence to ignoring Roman in gameplay terms, but you either felt bad for doing it or you didn’t – and how you reacted to Roman said something about you as a human being. Only the most decent human beings (or the most Achievement whoring) would take time out of their cop-killing schedule for old Roman Billic. Games as art eat your heart out.

Yet players HATED this mechanic and Roman’s frequent invitations to go bowling soon became the stuff of internet meme legend. I doubt Rockstar will bother next time. Happy now?

5. Sandbox Is, Like, Sooo 2001

Maybe it’s the fact that I’m now an unspeakably old man, or perhaps it’s got something to do with the proliferation of GTA-copycat games like Crackdown, InFamous and Saints Row, but sandboxes have stopped being inherently impressive. It’s a little bit like CGI in movies: when you first saw the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park, it was impressive. But two decades on and now you know they can do literally anything on a movie screen, so you’re left saying “what else have you got?”

Rocket launcher-ing police cars and taking a baseball bat to pensioners has lost its luster over the years and, with GTA V, the emphasis is bound to be on this being the largest box of sand yet. But what do you really think when given a huge world map these days, and a mission somewhere at the exact opposite end of the universe? Let’s be honest, it’s likely something like “#@!$ this is going to take forever!”

I’m not suggesting the world needs limiting – it’s just that having a big, silly sandbox should no longer be the main draw to a game. If GTA V caves into fan demand for a return of planes to the series, then realistically the new San Andreas map is going to be colossal and – in terms of story and gameplay – things could get very silly indeed.

6. Tired Celebrity Targets

Moving the series out West, as fun as it can be, will lead to obvious jokes about Hollywood and celebrity – which is fine, but I can’t help but feel the series’ cynicism is better when saved for juicier, less safe targets. There will be an obligatory coke-snorting starlet who went to California seeking fame, but is now doing porn. There will be jokes about breast implants. There will be a movie producer who thinks he’s a big shot, but who isn’t actually as big a big shot he thinks he is. There will be a comedy mission during which a character cries that he didn’t win a Golden Globe, whilst your character looks on with a face that says “your pathetic” and yet still goes on to exact petty revenge on his behalf.

It seems impossible to imagine GTA V going to Tinseltown and for that not to steal focus from some of the bigger, slightly less predictable themes and ideas played upon in GTA IV. Sure, the New York inspired setting of Liberty City is still rife with cultural cliches and lends itself easily to stealing scenes from Goodfellas and the like, but Rockstar got most of that out of their system in GTA III and the decision to make the game focus around an outsider – a non-American (think about it for a second: how many video game characters are not nominally American, British or Japanese?) put a different spin on things.

I’d bet anything you play another gangbanger in GTA V. That’s not necessarily bad but it’s going to be entirely safe. Why not give us a first female protagonist? Or an grizzled old man with an eye-patch? I have no desire to play a 20-something dude in a vest.

7. Must-Play Multiplayer

Remember when Mass Effect 3 told you to get maximum “galactic readiness” in multiplayer before doing the final mission in single player? Well, god knows what that achieved – I got the same ending as everybody else, more or less – but I went and did it anyway. Even though I don’t like multiplayer and avoid online gaming in particular, developers are shoe-horning it in aggressively with increasing regularity to increase the shelf-life of their game and keep its value from plummeting after a month in the charts.

GTA V will do this as well. What started as an interesting (for some) take-it-or-leave-it diversion in the last game will become a more invasive part of the sequel. It’ll link into the main story in some sort of annoying way that’ll force me to play it, or else you’ll have to play it for 20 hours straight in order to unlock the best ending – or some such contrived, unnecessary ball-ache. Worse still, perhaps my “friends” will be able to drop into my game and steal all the old lady pedestrian money I was collecting in order to buy an especially amusing haircut.

Whilst it is admittedly fun to run over real players at high speed with an articulated lorry, I don’t want to be forced to do so as it would drain the experience of the fleeting sense of fun that it might otherwise enjoy.

8. Back to the Hospital!? WTF?!

This isn’t an exclusive problem of GTA V (as I imagine it during this nightmare) but one that I’ve had with the entire series that I am certain will continue into the latest installment: when you die on a mission, why, o’ why must you respawn at a #@!$ing hospital, generally miles away from where you need to be to continue your progress? I’d say it’s in keeping with the series preference for concealing the game mechanics and keeping you immersed (“you didn’t die: you were injured and now you’re out of hospital”) and I respect that. But it is completely infuriating, especially when you come upon extremely difficult missions. It’s zero fun driving back to where you’ve got to be when the game could just dispense with the whole charade and allow you to restart the mission from a convenient checkpoint.

Yes, I understand that games used to take you right the way back to beginning when you ran out of lives, but this isn’t 1991 and I’m not playing Sonic the Hedgehog. For a studio that seems to get so much right, this is a bafflingly creaky and outmoded piece of design.

Especially as they are breaking the immersion anyway: why should I be released from hospital after being blown up by a helicopter, which destroyed me to halt my civilian-murdering rampage through the city centre? It just doesn’t fly, man.

9. The Last Pained Cry of a Dying Generation

It ain’t ugly, but the above screenshot from GTA V is hardly a technical milestone. In fact I’d be hard press to explain how it’s any significant improvement over the last game. It certainly won’t wow anybody who played the first Crysis on a top-end PC all the way back in 2007 (five years ago, people).

PC gamers have had beefier graphics than console players for years now, in fact probably for the entire life cycle of the current generation. And with the X-Box 360 and PS3 now winding down, due to be sent to the knacker’s yard any time now (certainly some time next year), it seems like a baffling decision to release GTA V this generation. GTA III – and its spin-offs Vice City and San Andreas – were all released on the same platforms. GTA IV marked the next evolution of the series, taking it into high definition. So GTA V coming out on these creaky consoles seems like a premature rush-job, however lucrative it’s going to prove for publisher Take-Two Interactive.

I suppose the PC release, which will probably not be for some time after console launch, will boast improved visuals – but won’t it be hampered by the fact that the game has been designed for comparatively ancient hardware? I can’t see GTA V representing the same leap forward as either of its direct prequels in terms of visual splendor.

Speaking of which, Microsoft: I don’t care if you’ve brought out a new model that looks a bit like R2-D2, your console is the best part of a decade old and it didn’t work all that well in 2005, as you’ll recall.

Roll on GTA VI and the next generation of hardware. Then I’ll be interested, like the preening magpie I am.

10. The Continued Selling of This Franchise as if it’s a Lad’s Mag

Grand Theft Auto is actually sometimes pretty smart. But I guarantee you people who don’t play the game don’t know that and they certainly don’t assume it to be true. Partly, I imagine, because of toss like the above. Despite the game’s pretty damn clever grasp of satire and increasingly sophisticated command of video gaming as a narrative form, GTA IV still marketed itself with crap like the above image – in the grand tradition of the series. GTA V will doubtless sell itself the same way.

When GTA IV came out in 2008, gaming – whilst enjoying the early mainstream appeal of the Wii – was still largely seen as the preserve of the young male, with the imagined target audience a sort of sex-obsessed teenage boy yet to lose his virginity. At least that’s how we were all treated. Things are thankfully moving on and there are now likely thousands (if not millions) of people who might want to play GTA V if it it present itself like FHM.

It’s alienating. Not only (I imagine) to many women but also to people like myself who would very much like video games to grow-up-now-please-thank-you-very-much so I can continue to play them without feeling depressed at the world. Is it intended as ironic to have these crass images adorning each loading screen and all the promotional materials? I doubt it, but I don’t really care either way. I honestly think Rockstar have outgrown this crap. For instance, Red Dead Redemption and L.A. Noire didn’t feel the need to sell themselves this way, and did pretty damn well in terms of sales.

Let me put it this way: lots of people don’t have a problem with the above, and fair enough. However, those people would still buy the game on its own merits if it wasn’t presented like this. So, aside from an excuse of “because that’s how we’ve always done it”, I don’t really get Rockstar’s persistence with this stuff.

Edited September 9, 2013 by Deffpony

[ZombCreations]

Opinions are like ass holes.

[RisingLegend]

Opinions are like ass holes.

Everyone has one, and they all stink.

[Alpha55]

Thankfully, no one gives a rats ass what he thinks.

[ZombCreations]

 

 

Opinions are like ass holes.

Exactly. I don't care how many people love or hate a game or anything for that matter. I make my decisions based off my opinions.

Everyone has one, and they all stink.

[DEERxBanshee]

every "writer" on whatculture is dumb and have no idea what they are talking about..

[IDredMan]

That made me laugh.

[allah420weedking]

good gmae

[arrowface10]

Whoever came up with those reasons, need's to shove it up their ass because they are sh*t!

[Saikou]

 

Opinions are like ass holes.

Everyone has one, and they all stink.

 

What?! buddy, I'll have you know...

 

[INEEDVNOW]

Wow, very legit reasons to hate V already.....

[RubberGrip]

i agree to his points he made to an extent.. deffinatly wouldnt go as far to say that gta 5 is gona suck but the points he made about how over-looked gta 4 was is spot on.. every element of gta 4 was spot on n its a shame people hated it because it wasnt 'wacky' enough..

 

GTA 4 was and will always remain a masterpiece

[GTAboob]

 

Opinions are like ass holes.

Everyone has one, and they all stink.

 

Rep+

[Skozza89]

Probably a jealous PC gamer. Those reasons he gave are laughable.

[TheItalianStig]

F*ck you man. I just stopped Breaking Bad to read this sh*t.

[ian2562]

I stopped reading when I read "No Niko? No Interest". Dude...

[sufferblind86]

The person makes all sorts of assumptions. At least the crazy "must play online" is completely squashed since Rockstar NEVER does that and Online isn't going to be out for three more weeks anyhow.

[Showstopper 26]

[Backfire6]

Wow you need to die irl.

[PhilGTA1]

My reaction:

[ian2562]

My reaction:

 

Exactly.

Edited September 8, 2013 by ian2562

[EvilFuture]

What's wrong Showstopper? Are you nervous the game is gonna suck? lol

[M4RK]

that was the worst article i have ever read. especially #1...like really??

[TheJasonGallant]

sh*t... That guy doesn't know everything that's for sure... Pretty much all points he said can be proved wrong....

[TechNoir87]

Not even interested to read.

[realizment]

another sh*tty whatculture article

[PatrickJr.]

10/10 would bang again.

[adam_thedon]

The original writer was obviously baiting people in and it worked. We're all free to play it and make our own minds up. And let's be honest until you've played it, it's void to day it'll suck.

[Bigs]

I stopped reading when I read "No Niko? No Interest". Dude...

 

Indeed.

 

I'm glad he's giving GTA IV props, but the hate on V seems a little...misguided.

[LeFox]

Sounds like they don't know shiat