Acehilm Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 The days seem young Yet frail they seem Bearing the youth and wisdom No one will deem Only taking what they need Oil is only seen as dollar signs Their home is an open-cut mine But it's only time before they die And what they leave They leave nothing The rest left wondering why. Only the lonely will know What to foresee For what will be Nothing but ghosts War & ghosts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mokrie Dela Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 The days seem youngYet frail they seem Bearing the youth and wisdom No one will deem Only taking what they need Oil is only seen as dollar signs Their home is an open-cut mine But it's only time before they die And what they leave They leave nothing The rest left wondering why. Only the lonely will know What to foresee For what will be Nothing but ghosts War & ghosts. I'm not great at feedback on poems, but i LOVED the second stanza. Two things stood out to me though: using "seems" twice in the first two lines, and "ghosts" twice in the last two. If i wrote this, I would be looking at them, looking to change one of the words. The days are young, yet frail they seem For example. Or "feel" young. The final two lines.... I'm not sure. I read it and didn't like the repetition, but then I read it again, and am thinking it might work after all - like reiterating a point, or like a pattern (if you've played Fallout, then the tag line: "War.... War never changes.") Otherwise, short and snappy, but it feels disjointed to me. I can't see the connection between all three sections. Maybe others can, those better than I. The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing. Click here to view my Poetry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Acehilm Posted July 1, 2013 Author Share Posted July 1, 2013 The final two lines.... I'm not sure. I read it and didn't like the repetition, but then I read it again, and am thinking it might work after all - like reiterating a point, or like a pattern (if you've played Fallout, then the tag line: "War.... War never changes.") That was the point I was trying to get through with the pattern repetition. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 Only the lonely will knowWhat to foresee For what will be Nothing but ghosts War & ghosts. I liked this stanza the most. The dull ending fits with the tone you're trying to give. A dying end and it suits its well because when we get to the final line, it becomes like a dying breath. All in all it's a very nice, small poem. "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now