The Darkest Hour

[Vercetti42]

 

Master of San Andreas/AceKingston presents

 

The Darkest Hour

 

Set in the fictional state of Wellington, loosely based on New York, 2010.

 

 

 

Chapter Number	Chapter Name
PART ONE	DEATH NOTE
Prologue	Prologue
One	An Old Friend...
Two	The Chain

 

Still a Work in Progress....

Edited July 28, 2013 by AceKingston

[Vercetti42]

 

PROLOGUE

 

David Black and his brother Jack were sitting in the living room. Both of them had a packet of crisps and a bottle of coke and both had their eyes fixed on the TV screen.

“Ha ha, this is hilarious” said Jack laughing.

David was chortling too, the two of them were laughing so hard that they didn’t hear the two burglars who had picked the lock in the room next to them.

“All right” said one of them, “You know what to do”

“I know” replied the other.

The two of them moved forwards cautiously and quickly stepped in the room. In a matter of seconds one of them had held David and the other had Jack at gunpoint, the two brothers were shocked and now they could only watch helplessly as they tied them up and looted the whole house:

 

“Who are you? Who sent you? Why are you here?” cried Jack.

One of the masked men stopped stealing and turned to look at him, he moved forwards slowly, pointed the gun at Jack’s head and whispered “My boss sent me to kill you”.

And he pulled the trigger.

David could only scream as he saw his brother his head lopsided, blood dripping all over and his eyes open and dead.

The two men ran for it and by the time Jason could free himself from the ropes binding him, they were gone.

 

 

***

 

One week later…..

 

Officer Bradley escorted David to a dusty old room which had nothing but a table and two chairs in the center. David was shaking all over, he had not had a bath for a week and he looked pretty ragged.

Officer Bradley seated himself in one of the chairs and asked David to do the same. Bradley took out a file and began to examine it, after a while he looked up at David who was still shaking slightly.

“You are David Black, brother of Jack Black, who was killed in a shooting last week?” he asked.

“Yes” whispered David.

“The details of the killing are here” said Officer Bradley pointing at the files “But the details of the killers are not here” He looked up enquiringly at David.

“Well” said David “They both wore black masks, gloves, their whole body was covered in black except for their eyes”

“Interesting … what was the color of their eyes?”

“How the hell am I supposed to know that?”

 

Bradley looked at him for a moment:

 

“David” he said quietly “Every detail is crucial for us, if we assist us, we assure we can find Justice for your brother’s death”

“Well … they were black I suppose” said David shrugging.

“What type of guns did they carry?”

“Both had silver Desert Eagles, the latest model, I’ve seen pictures of it on Google”

“After they fled what did you do?”

“A few people who lived close to us arrived, I told them about the robbers and... And how the killed David” with that he dissolved into tears.

Bradley leant forward and patted David on his back “Your brother was a brave man and he died a heroes death”

It took a while to console David and after Bradley had succeeded in doing so, he informed David that the interrogation was over and that the police were looking for the culprits 24 hours a day.

David left the room, his mind had been blank over the last few days, only one thought had had come through his mind more than others and that was I won't rest until I get revenge.

[Mokrie Dela]

My critiquing is questionable ATM so take this with a pinch of salt

 

First thing I noticed was a lack of punctuation with speech. I'm not sure if this is intentional or not, but I noticed it:

 

"Ha ha, this is hilarious," said jack, laughing.

 

See the second comma? Also I feel you could cut this down and make it more effective:

"This is hilarious!" Laughed Jack.

That's what I would do. You definitely don't need 'ha ha' AND 'laughed'

 

Next:

 

In a matter of seconds one of them had held David and the other had Jack at gunpoint, the two brothers were shocked and now they could only watch helplessly as they tied them up and looted the whole house:

First, I feel you could merge the intruders' actions into one:

 

In a matter of seconds, they'd see holding the brothers at gun point. David and jack were shocked, and could do nothing as the robbers tied them up. David struggled, but the touch of the gun on his neck settled him down. The brothers could only watch as the robbers set about looting the house.

Not a perfect rewrite but I think you can see what I'm going for. Breaking it up a little helps the flow and makes it easier to read. Full stops give the reader to take a breath, as it were, so be careful not to make them breathless!

 

Next is where jack demands to know who the robbers are. Personally I would rearrange that, putting jacks action near the start:

"Who are you?" Jack cried out. "Who sent you? What do you want?"

 

 

One of the masked men stopped stealing and turned to look at him, he moved forwards slowly, pointed the gun at Jack’s head and whispered “My boss sent me to kill you”.

And he pulled the trigger.

I think breaking this up will be better. A big event is coming and in my opinion, it's ineffectively of delivered.

 

One of the masked men turned to look at him. He moved forward slowly and pointed the gun at Jack’s head.

He whispered, the fun coming up: “My boss sent me to kill you.”

He pulled the trigger.

 

Also here you should follow it up with some emotion of David. Dont report the scream, (david could only scream) but instead have in happen:

 

"Jack!" David cried out in anguish, his voice high-pitched. Instinctively he lunged out for his brother, but only toppled to the ground. "Why did you do that?" He yelled, tears now bursting from his eyes.

Also I find it weird. If they were there to kill him, why didnt they do so before? It seems very clumsy, and I find it unconvincing. Are they oppurtunistic and thought they could rob the place then kill him? Or had he forgotten?

 

The next bit confused me

"The two men ran for it" - if they fled, why not say "the two men turned and bolted for the door, sprinting out down the garden path"

I find 'ran for it' a bit too... I dunno, it didn work for me

 

Then: who's Jason? Is this a typo or a character who's introduction I'd missed?

 

 

The next passage:

 

I felt there was an opportunity to describe Bradley with greater depth. In this sort of situation, David might feel like a naughty schoolchild. Playing on a contrast between the two, be it subtle (such as Bradley having a china mug of coffee and David a plastic disposable one) or more obvious, would work. The absence of this is not a problem at all, it's just a thought that came to mind.

Also, instead of 'Bradley led David into the room,' I thought 'David followed Bradley into the room' - in the former you're focusing on the dominant Bradley but the latter shows David's passive position - not really a big deal but again, it came to mind.

In my mind too, I pictured Bradley turning on the light (interrogation rooms don't have windows - you could remark on that) and it flickers and flashes on. Tiny detail and the story doesn't suffer without it, but one I rather liked, even though it was in my head.

 

"David, every detail is crucial for us, if we assist us..."

Evidence of a hurried work here. Small oversight but you should catch this on your edit. I've done it too though, so make a note and move on

 

I loved the part with the desert eagles. I was thinking - ALARM BELLS, how or why would an innocent man know what a desert eagle was!

Then you answered it - either carefully thought out by you or by David. Nicely done.

 

"And how they killed David."

 

Oops! And how they (you missed off the y) killed jack?

Another sign that you didn allow yourself to take your time. Don't be afraid to be patient. Do one edit for spelling and grammar, then another for tense and viewpoint, then a third if need be.

Or perhaps you got enthusiastic and wanted to share this! Either way, I've done this too, and you live and learn.

 

"He died a hero's death." Ownership, not plural - not "heroes".

Next the interrogation is reported to be over. Two things with this

1-it would likely go on for longer. I would have that happen but report it:

"After Bradley had succeeded on doing so, the interview resumed. It seemed to stretch on and on, and all David wanted as a drink - a stiff drink, not the diluted mud in a plastic cup. He wanted to forget it all - they or to rewind time and --

And what? he demanded, stop the bullet with my mind?

There was nothing he could have done, he knew, but instead lf consoling him, his helplessness only made him feel worse.

Finally, with a sigh of relief and a pounding headache, he stood, vradlry opening the door, assuring him they were looking for the culprits twenty-four hours a day. Somehow, David didnt quite believe that."

 

2-don't use interrogation. It implies David is a suspect (unless that's your intention).

 

I liked the ending although it was predictable .

 

 

I did enjoy this though. There were a lot of errors or issues but they were mostly minor and they honestly feel like the results of you rushing. Take your time.

 

Anyway I hope that's good advise

If not ill hang myself! Haha

 

Ps sorry for any possible typos - iOS autocorrect sucks

[Vercetti42]

Thanks again, Mokrie.

 

I admit I get a bit excited when writing up a chapter, I write the rough idea on a notebook and transalate into words.

 

As for why they didn't kill him before well read on to find out!

 

After reading your feedback, the only/main problem for me is errors? Other than it seems OK? If that's the case I have to proof read my chapters more.

[Acehilm]

I have the same problem with proof reading. This is a story with potential.

[Vercetti42]

 

One - An Old Friend...

 

After the interrogation, David stood outside the police office, feeling worse than ever. The rain was coming thick and heavy but he ignored the heavy drops now splattering his face.

 

A sudden sharp pain cut through his head –

 

The two men came, guns ready

 

No, not this again –

 

They tied up the duo

 

But I’m alive, not dead. -

 

They looted the house, everything

 

This is not happening -

 

From a pen to a TV

 

I guess I’m becoming mental -

 

The eldest screamed

 

The doctor said so yesterday -

 

One of the two pulled a gun and walked towards him

 

The gun was there alright -

 

The trigger was pulled

 

Big deal, I’ve faced worse before -

 

And the eldest was no more.

 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! -

 

He was abruptly awake on a soft bed, he felt his head and it felt quite normal. Everything seemed a bit fuzzy and he could make out a young man with glasses looking at him anxiously:

 

“Are you alright?” he asked.

“Yes I am thank you very much”

David looked around, the place was unrecognizable, he was lying on a bed in a bedroom and it seemed to him that he was in a house.

“Who are you?” David asked the man.

“You forgot, I guess, it’s been a long time, I’m Martin Tyler and you are David Black, I’m your cousin, remember?”

“Err, are you?”

“Yes”

“Oh” said David his vision was clearing and now he recognized his cousin, tall and wearing glasses, they hadn’t met for years now.

He tried to get up but Martin pushed him back down:

“It’s okay man, I know how you feel, but what was wrong with you? You’re so dirty and you were clutching your head, writhing on the ground.”

“I just haven’t been myself lately”

“But why?”

There was a pause and then David said with what seemed like a huge effort “Jack, Jack he is dead Martin”

There was a long silence, David had the impression that Martin had frozen and just then his head started to ache again.

“How did it happen?” Martin asked shakily.

“Robbers, looted us, killed him, fled” David’s voice broke and he buried his face in his hands, sobbing. Martin put a hand on his back but he threw it of:

“David, I’m so sorry”

“They killed him” he yelled looking at Martin, his eyes full of tears “They just killed him”

“I know, I’m shocked too”

“I can’t sleep, I’m having mental issues”

“No you’re not”

“SHUT UP!”

David’s voice had risen to a shout, Martin backed away from the bed but he stood steadily on his feet:

“You see” said David quietly looking at Martin “I’ve been questioned because I was the one there, the one who saw it!”

“I know”

“Do you know how it feels like? To be in a place with two lunatics killing an innocent man?”

David, please-“

“Yesterday” said David in a slightly dangerous voice “I went to a doctor and he said I was having mental issues” he pointed at his head “At times I’m normal and at times I’m mental, get it, MENTAL!”

“David, please calm down”

“But that isn’t going to stop me from getting revenge right? Why should it?”

“David-“

“If you’re going to chicken it out fine but I’m not going to rest till I get justice”

 

There was a rather stony silence, then Martin said in a quiet voice “David, please listen, I will assist you for justice for my cousin and your brother’s death, and I swear that I will die for it, if I have to”

The words had such a big impact on David that he was frozen for a few seconds before saying “OK, I guess…”

“Just stay here for the night, get some sleep, we’ll talk about this tomorrow”

David nodded feeling slightly ashamed of him. Martin turned off the lights and left the room.

[Mokrie Dela]

Thanks again, Mokrie.

 

I admit I get a bit excited when writing up a chapter, I write the rough idea on a notebook and transalate into words.

 

As for why they didn't kill him before well read on to find out!

 

After reading your feedback, the only/main problem for me is errors? Other than it seems OK? If that's the case I have to proof read my chapters more.

I didn't see to much wrong. Tense and punctuation are easy to let slide, and the easiest to correct. The more intricate parts of writing - themes withing passages and flow of words, character within the narration* and such is a little harder.

 

The part for them not killing him i feel is underplayed. If it's intentional, it doesn't feel it. It feels like a plot device - something written in so he can survive. Having your character remark on this would show it's intentional and not just a happening, even the cop could question it, but i think it's a minor point.

 

At first, when i viewed the new chapter, i saw the spacing and thought "oh no". It felt too script like. Then i read it, and saw the reason for it, and thought it was nicely done. I'm questioning the punctuation of it (simply put: i'm not sure myself) but i felt the execution of it was good. The back and forth between David's monologue and memory was effective, it jolted me back and forth and it worked.

 

 

The chapter itself, while nothing really happens, has direction, and is bridging between what happened and what will come next. Revenge. I can see what's coming, but I find myself asking: what twist are you going to put on it. What's going to set your tale apart from others?

I mean this in two ways. Firstly, I'm curious as to where it's going - which is good. Secondly its advice to you: Have you dipped your story in your unique, secret ingredients? Bear it in mind: if you haven't already considered your own twist, or take on the old tale, perhaps consider it now. OR! carry on writing, and trust your own craft

 

I am liking the bitesized chapters though: it gives us a taste and leave us wanting more, but all I'll say is a small, well written chapter is much better than a long, poorly written one. Take your time, and try to do the best you can

 

That brings me to a couple of minor points that, although I'm trying not to focus on, need saying:

 

Punctuation. I'm noticing after speech you're missing a lot of commas or full stops. Minor things, but we all want to grow, and i see no sense in ignoring it.

 

 

“Oh” said David his vision was clearing and now he recognized his cousin

Here for example, there should be a comma after "oh" and i think the following sentence should be broken up too.

 

“Oh,” said David. His vision was clearing and now he recognized his cousin

or

 

“Oh,” said David, his vision clearing. Now he recognized his cousin

I think that flows much better.

I like to think of commas and fullstops as breathing spaces. Commas are quick breaths, allowing a slight change of gear as it were. Full stops are just that, stops.

 

Read this out loud:

 

Bob walked down the street the smell of chinese food hanging in the air making him hungry for the soy-taste of noodles he loved that took him back to his childhood holiday in china as cars whizzed past reminding him that he was not in china but in the tedious daily grind walking home from work in the dark despite the neon signs overhead at eight in the evening.

 

Now read this out loud:

 

Bob walked down the street, the smell of chinese food hanging in the air. It made him hungry for the soy-taste of noodles he loved, the taste that took him back to his childhood holiday in china. Cars whizzed past, reminding him that he was not in China, but in the tedious daily grind, walking home from work in the dark despite the neon signs overhead at eight in the evening.

 

One's easier than the other.

 

But for speech, treat it like any other sentence. For a moment, pretend the speech marks don't exist.

 

 

Oh said David, his vision clearing

As my above example should show, that should be:

 

Oh, said David, his vision clearing

Now of course you should have the speech marks in there - the omission of them was to show that it's one sentence, and the comma belongs there.

 

“Oh,” said David, his vision clearing

 

And of course there are those speech where it's not part of a sentence:

 

"SHUT UP!"

David's voice had risen

That should be the same line, and if you imagine it without the speech marks:

 

SHUT UP! David's voice had risen

You see that you got it right (keep it on one line though - david is speaking, then you're talking about his speech. If you were switching speakers you could have it on two lines):

 

"No, you're not."

David's voice rose. "SHUT UP!"

 

It's a thing I got wrong a lot, writing "Hello." Bob said when it should be "Hello," Bob said. Here you're omitting it completely in some spots. VERY simple to fix, and a minor point that once you're aware and act on, you'll feel more solid writing; you'll feel cleaner if you get me.

 

 

 

*when writing from a character's perspective, i feel the narration should reflect that character. If the character's one that uses swear words a lot, the narrative should fit in with that for example. Not always - depends on your preference - you might want the story to be through the eyes of that character, or you might want the story to be like we're watching him.

 

[Vercetti42]

Ah, nice to see that I'm improving, yes there are some twists and tricks in the trade.

 

i wanted to do the mental thingy because I felt it like a movie, a man clutching his head, flashbacks keep coming in his mind, that was my main source of inspiration.

 

and i don't like starting chapters blazing with action, for me I'll try to get the reader really hooked onto the story before the action part, the next chapter won't contain much action either.

 

Overall, thanks again Mok.

[Mokrie Dela]

and i don't like starting chapters blazing with action, for me I'll try to get the reader really hooked onto the story before the action part, the next chapter won't contain much action either.

 

Overall, thanks again Mok.

Fair enough my man

 

It's not all about action - but bear in mind that every chapter needs a purpose and needs for something to happen - from revelations to raising questions or such.

The trick is pulling in readers to begin with. Mystery (there's a tiny hint of that here) and action are good for this.

 

Keep it up man

[Acehilm]

When is the next chapter coming out?

[Vercetti42]

Haven't got around to writing it yet, but I've got the rough idea in mind. It's basically going to explain why they didn't kill David. A very important chapter as you'll find later when you read.

[Vercetti42]

Alright here's the 2nd chapter, short but it explains a lot and is the most important chapter in this part and certainly one of the most important in the whole story, enjoy:

 

PS: I didn't proof read it much so expect some mistakes:

 

 

Two - The Chain

 

The door opened and a man, Mark Stanton stepped into the dark gloom. A little ray of sun light seeped into the room through a small crack in the window. Two men sat on near a desk, neither spoke as Mark took his seat. These two men were called Nick Goldberg and Nathan Tyler.

 

After a few minutes, Mark spoke:

 

“The time has come” he said in a low hoarse voice “I am sending the two of you on a very important mission”

“What is it?” asked Nick.

Mark looked at him for a while and then replied “There are two brothers Jack and David Black, I need you to kill Jack but do not lay as much as a finger on David”

Nathan stared: “Why?”

 

“There is a chain that David wears with him every day. It was given to him by his father after he left his family, he does not however that that chain holds a special complex power”

“What power?”

“The power for immortality, the power to live forever”

“But, why can’t we just kill David and take the chain?”

“The chain is complex; you see there is a special bond between David and Jack that stops the chain from showing its true colours. You see as long as Jack is dead the chain will not work. We need David alive for the chain to work. After we kill Jack we need to wait for 30 days until we start our plans to capture David alive, only then will the chain work for us”.

“But I still don’t see the point of-“

 

“You don’t see? Think about it once we get our hands on the chain we can duplicate it and give it to the rest of the agency. Many great things can be achieved by this chain; we can soon rule the world!”

“But what if he just dumps the chain during the 30 days?”

“He’ll never dump the chain, it was a farewell gift from his father, and he would never throw anything related to his father’s memory. You see David and his father were very close”

“How did the chain get such powers in the first place?”

 

“It’s a long story. One day a man a close friend of David's father went to a forest on a research, there he found a chain, good as new on the ground. It was a mystery to him but he decided to take it never the less and gift it for David's father's 27th birthday. But how the chain got such powers will remain a mystery for a very long time"

 

There was a long silence. Nathan and Nick kept exchanging glances ever so often and at last they seemed to come to a decision. They stood up and said "We'll do it".

 

"That's the spirit" said Mark "Take anything you want from the storeroom"

 

The two nodded, it certainly seemed a dangerous mission now, thought Nick as they left the room.

Edited July 28, 2013 by AceKingston

[AceRay]

 

DEATH NOTE

 

Wait, Death Note? You mean, this Death Note?

 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0877057/

 

 

Oh sweet! When will a shimigami appear in front of David and give him his death note? When's L going to show up?

 

Also, lol, I live in a region called Wellington, there ain't nothing fictional about it

 

Anyway, that chapter was good. It needs a little bit more "Show, don't tell" aspect of the writing, you know, its always better to show whats going on instead of telling us. Instead of flat out stating that their names are Nathan and Nick, imply it through dialogue and introduce it through writing. Also, a bit on the heavy side of dialogue, you could do with a little less imo. Idk, Mokrie is better at this that I am.

[Acehilm]

I like where this story is going, but as AceRay said, there needs to be less dialogue or more visuals.

 

Speaking of Death Note, I was watching for David to...

 

 

[Vercetti42]

Thanks for the feedback, yeah I don't give too much importance to the visuals in my story.

 

@Ace: Yeah, I know Wellington is the capital of New Zealand where you live which I chose that name since I couldn't think of anything else ha ha.