About life, uncertainty

[Nameless Foot Soldier]

To whom it may concern.

 

Okay, so this has been buzzing around my mind for a good while and maybe talking about it might allow me to feel better or come to a more decisive conclusion. I am a bit young so it may be my mind being youngfully stupid but maybe I just came to my senses and allowed myself to become the end to all my means. I have grown uncertain thoughts about life and anything it may stand for. I sit here typing this and I wonder to myself. So this is where I am now, looking for advice on a GTA forum, how beautifully pathetic. I feel there is no reason to live and feel that many who try only lie to themselves so they feel better about their miserable existence and meaningless daily lives. I look around my world and all I see is sh*t and piss, people all over get f*cked, people lie, cheat, steal, kill and so forth even more. People are sad and naturally pieces of sh*t. Anyone who I ever put trust into has turned around and f*cked me. I see no reason for friends even though I long for someone who I can truly trust but I fail to see anyone like that so in the end I've found it's better to be by myself no matter how miserable I may feel about it.

 

I see the idea of love to be meaningless, selfish behavior ruled by lust and image. All people want is to have someone to themselves and to have someone want them. I don't see the point of lowering yourself everyday just to make someone happy. Is that why one should live, permanent compromise? What, am I not good enough for life? In order to be happy I need to impress someone and allow them to walk all over me? And even if you do rely on love, what then, try to be happy until either you die or her/him? Then when they die, you just wait until you die? That's your f*cking life? Pointless and full of simple agony. Hell, some can't even find their delusional love because they have unwanted qualities. Some people are just naturally f*cked from birth. Fat genes, ugliness, disabilities, bad and dangerous environment. Hell, I've got a friend who was born but had muscular disease and he is in a wheelchair, is that his life, to have someone whip his ass for the rest of his life. He wont find love, he'll just rot as everyone pities him. What the hell is so special about getting laid anyways? Hell, you could just f*ck up your life even more if you do it unprotected.

 

I go about life and I see sad people everywhere, broken livelihoods dead partners/children, drug addiction, disabilities. People, they're all the same, just look into their eyes, their shame and sad filled eyes. You all have those sad days where you lie to yourself so you feel good about another day, another waste of time and useless human emotions.

 

The only reason I don't put a knife into my stomach right now is the basic human behavior designed in our brains, that instinct of survival. The fear and feeling of disgust we feel is our animal instinct of need to live and eventually spread our genes through children, so we can further infest this world with our disease, we are the virus, the scum of filth and moral decay.

 

f*ck, what the hell even means right and wrong, it's all subjective and bias thoughts we think are true. Everything we know was told to us and either we accept it or disagree, nothing is true or wrong. Does it even matter when we die so easily? People say murder is wrong, why? We can kill so easily, animals do it all the time, we are animals.

 

We think we are above all other animals but our greatest ability is our greatest weakness, Thinking, we as humans can think ourselves out of a problem, we have an amazing mind. But what do we do with it? We murder, cheat, lie, all for our own sake. Why, because we are animals trying to survive. We are our own doom, we kill our earth and spread as if it were a good thing. We are our own fall.

 

I myself see no point to my own existence. My hopes, my dreams, my wants. They are all selfish and meaningless icons of my personal satisfaction in life. Hell most of the time, people don't even get their dreams, they slowly just settle with what they got. Ambition is a fantasy. Even if you gain wealth, what the hell is the point, why even need money in the end? What is it good for other then materialistic things that make you feel worth something? I don't see why people need so much sh*t, so much money? In the end it's all just rather pointless.

 

I lost my family last year. My mom, my aunt and my grandmother both died, I never knew my dad. Never had any real friends and I don't believe they exist. And I didn't care to be honest, my mother was a bitch who beat me most of the time, the only worry I had when she died was what was going to happen to me? I guess I am selfish even though I like to think I'm a decent guy but in the end it doesn't even matter if I am going to die.

 

I was dead before I was born and I'll be dead after I am old and miserable. What the hell is even worth living if I'm just going to be old and lost to the sadness of good times gone. Is that my reward at the end of the day? To be old and caught on times that will never be again, probably with most of the people I know dead, just remembering the good days when I had youth and time, but just waiting to die with lust for things I can never truly achieve. So many things in life will pass me by, even if I try to live life to its fullest, there will always be things I will never get to do, knowledge I will never learn, people I will never meet. It's cruel to think a lifetime will pass when I die, hell, the rest of human history will run its course long after I'm gone.

 

I'm a nobody, nothing. I think we would all be better dead to be honest, in death we have no troubles, no pain, no sadness, nothing for the rest of eternity. I think it was cruel to be brought into our world, why take me from death before I was born and give me knowledge through the eyes of an animal hell bent of personal existence. Then take it away in the shortest time. Life is wrong and here I am, part of the disease and part of the problem.

 

I honestly think that if I brought a gun to my school and shot my "friends" dead, I would be doing a favor for them, giving them their rest a bit early. I will play the act of their cruel God and set them free to their true purpose, the great infinite of beyond, the void of peace, the void of nothingness. They are filth, they can be more, they can be free.

 

I often watch videos online of people killing themselves, I have always been fascinated with the act of a man being strong and doing what needs to be done and coming to terms with their act of meaningless actions on the world that is the stage of pathetic human drama.

 

I want to move to Seattle in the coming months and there, away from anyone I knew and anyone who knows me, I want to end myself without any problems, end it quick and cleanly. I just want to fade away from it all. Just be that guy no one hears about ever again, the guy that on one ever really care about and will never now of my absence. Just let it all go, get it over with. I believe that life is in the way of the absolution of our reality, the nothingness that intakes us all in the end. Can you see it? I can, it's calling us with every second that ticks away and decays us even more. We all have an expiration date, I want to open mine early so I don't have to deal with this delusional pit of sh*t we call life.

[Law0070]

how old are you?

 

you sound like you're at the end of your teenage years, doubting everything life has to offer you, no faith, nothing

open your eyes, take action, change something, it's possible! life has just started mate! make a new start...

[Nameless Foot Soldier]

how old are you?

 

you sound like you're at the end of your teenage years, doubting everything life has to offer you, no faith, nothing

open your eyes, take action, change something, it's possible! life has just started mate! make a new start...

Sadly, I'm just 19. I feel like one of those melodramatic little sh*ts. Whining and crying about the big bad world. God I'm a f*cking loser.

[Trinette]

Don't worry about it man. That's the main thing to do—don't worry about a single thing that wants to make itself apparent on your mind. I'm basically the same age as you and for the past year up until maybe a month ago I shared similar views on life as you are now. What did I do to go forward? I ignored the thoughts. Law0070 is absolutely right; this is a time where things are new to us and there's a giant unexplored world right before us and we tend to not take advantage of that.

 

I wouldn't label myself as a "f*cking loser" if I were you simply because this is normal and a lot of people are expected to go through this at some point. Take the time to fully become 100% aware of your situation and only then you'll be able to separate the good from the bad and realize it's not all as bad as it seems.

 

Eliminate the pessimism you feel towards the world and you'll see that life can be pretty damn good and chuck full of endless possibilities.

[Calvin Backer]

You should try hallucinogenic mushrooms. And cocain. And crack.

[Tchuck]

It's simple, life is what you make of it. Nothing is inherently meaningful, we are the ones that ascribe meaning to our lives. Some find meaning in love and working, some find meaning in drugs, some don't find meaning at all. Noone is exactly lying to themselves in their meaning, that's YOUR opinion. You have to switch your way of thinking if you expect to find any form of happiness. Or keep doing what you do, it's not my life.

[Adler]

 

I honestly think that if I brought a gun to my school and shot my "friends" dead, I would be doing a favor for them, giving them their rest a bit early. I will play the act of their cruel God and set them free to their true purpose, the great infinite of beyond, the void of peace, the void of nothingness. They are filth, they can be more, they can be free.

Heh your friends would most likely not think you are doing them a favor. Interesting that you think so though. How can you believe that just because you don't want to live, that others don't?

[Jimmy_Leppard]

You need to get laid ASAP.

[GTA_fear]

Dude, while you may be right about some things you said, you're wrong about a lot of other things.

 

Yes, there is a difference between right and wrong. What you're talking about is relativism, something the modern society wants you to believe in.

 

Allow me to quote a wise man by the name of Trinette:

 

 

People really are happy, they just aren't allowing their selves because they think that if they have burdens and obstacles that they need to be depressed. It's like a mental thing that a lot of people have and can't really help.

 

Now, things have probably been A LOT harder for you than for me and I haven't been through near as much sh*t as you've been, but still... It's all about your mindset.

 

Just like you said, it may be that I'm still pretty young and inexperienced, but I feel happy with my life and I believe that it truly is a beautiful thing. Go out there, take a look at the Sun, watch people's faces, drink water, breathe, listen to some trance music, play soccer, stop being so relative.

 

You know what I think? You have the advantage of being pretty self-conscious, unlike many many people, and that could bring you some very nice things if you use it right.

 

/talkingoutofmyassalthoughnotreally

[EvilFuture]

Is this a suicide note or something?

 

 

I want to move to Seattle in the coming months and there, away from anyone I knew and anyone who knows me, I want to end myself without any problems, end it quick and cleanly. I just want to fade away from it all. Just be that guy no one hears about ever again, the guy that on one ever really care about and will never now of my absence. Just let it all go, get it over with. I believe that life is in the way of the absolution of our reality, the nothingness that intakes us all in the end. Can you see it? I can, it's calling us with every second that ticks away and decays us even more. We all have an expiration date, I want to open mine early so I don't have to deal with this delusional pit of sh*t we call life.

 

[Mr.Mordecai]

Truth Is, life IS pointless in a way since we die, but why waste the little time we have moping about it. There's nothing wrong with trying to find meaning, but don't let it take control of you. Find a motivation and all that good stuff to keep you positive. I was in the same boat, and my best friend who's like my sister told me something like that, and I'm not as sad as i was. Honestly, why give a f*ck about other people's sorrows? Just focus on yourself.

 

Or just kill yourself pussy, if life is just that bad.

 

EDIT: I just now remembered that some people on this forum takes things too seriously, and that post above was a joke.

[Distrom]

Is there any girl you like/love?

[ThunderSt0rm]

Sounds like suicide, you could say that most of people will forget you if you do that.

[Fireman]

So, basically you're waiting for a new game to play?

 

We all know that feelin' bro!

 

Just start playing an old game again until something good comes out, State of Decay tomorrow!

[Absurdity]

And why do we fall, Bruce?

[Narrow]

You are to an extent correct to question the validity of life, its meaning if you will. The sad, depressing and terrifying truth is that there isn't a point to it. You see I often wonder why do we argue? Life's so fragile, a successful virus clinging to a speck of mud, suspended in endless nothing. It seems strange then that we occupy ourselves with such meaningless and pointless things; such as religion, politics and the gain of scientific knowledge when the only thing that learning the more we discover is that humanity knows nothing and is worth nothing.

 

We are but a minute spec of rubble, in a vast, endless, eternal and merciless void. The more you think of it then the more it starts to make sense why we built these human constructs, why we create Gods and societies, why we have rules, laws politics and people who look towards developing pointless gadgets and machines to prolong and ensure that we stay safe during our time during this tiny flash of light that we call life. We fear the end, we fear it because it contains the unknown and for everything in the entire universe to be unknown to you, everything from why the rain falls, to where the birds fly in the winter and even why the sky moves the heavens over our heads, all of it remains a mystery to a primitive human society.

 

So they create these barriers and boundaries in order to protect our fragile and frightened minds from the terrible truth, the ultimate distraction to make sure that we remain oblivious to the fact that life in fact doesn't have an identifiable point or reason. The Universe is simply there, and it's a thing that we couldn't possibly hope to understand as its depth and complexity is simply incalculable, well barring the obvious exception of PI but that's hardly proof that we understand any of it. The illusion that we do is simply society trying to keep us within our safe barriers, restricting us from seeing the truth that leaves us without hope, ambition and love and simply makes us as empty as the void we reside in. A lot of people choose to either ignore or hate nihilism for these reasons and some who have been indoctrinated to a level that I could never even imagine simply cannot understand it.

 

Yes I get that although nihilism has been relentlessly criticized for overemphasizing the dark side of human experience, it might be equally true that this overemphasis represents a needed counterbalance to shallow optimism and arrogant confidence in human power. Nihilism reminds us that we are not gods, and that despite all of the accomplishments and wonders of civilization, humans cannot alter the fact that they possess only a finite amount of mastery and control over their own destinies. Even inside our imaginations we are not truly free, if that were to be the case then philosophy wouldn't be as successful as it is, it allows us to reach the brink of an answer and then every last one of us falls just short of it. You see that despite its successes, in the end, philosophical thinking always falls short of its real goal. It involves both the wonder of aspiring toward the truth and the distress of falling short of that truth. In this way, philosophy can be characterized as wondrous distress, a success only equaled by its inevitable, monumental failure.

 

I personally believe that Shakespeare said it best:

 

 

“Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage

And then is heard no more: it is a tale

Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

Signifying nothing.”

[na89340qv0n34b09q340]

You sound like I did when I was younger. I would go on and on about how life was meaningless, and the natural angst that builds up inside you at that age made me feel really bad about it. I would sit, slumped over, on my bed for hours and just stare at my knees, knees that would be naked because all I ever did besides sit slumped over was fap. I'd fap pathetically to almost anything that turned me on, and like the angst it was natural at that age for almost anything to turn me on.

 

One day a few years ago I was fapping to Avril Lavigne's appearance in the Epcot cinemax event Oh Canada!. She was really smokin'. I fapped as usual, not really enjoying my time while doing it, but doing it really fast to get it over with. I felt like I was going to climax, but it wouldn't spludge out. The feeling faded after a few seconds, and I tried again, and again I got really close but nothing would come out. I gave up and sat up on the edge of my bed to stare at my knees again.

 

After a few minutes of staring at my knees I felt something I had never felt before. A warmth a million times warmer (but not hot) began to permeate through my chest. I felt my chest with my hand and felt activity in there. Activity like no other activity I had felt before.

 

I called out to my chest "Who's there!", and I cupped my ear with my hand to better hear what tiny voice I expected to hear. It wasn't tiny, the voice boomed from a location I can only explain to be inside of my head. The deepest, most loving voice I had ever heard before said "It is I, Jesus Christ." I went into shock. Until that moment I had been an atheist, but at that exact moment I realized Jesus was inside all of us, and could give us the feelings of everlasting love more than anything could.

 

I asked "Hey, Jesus, why are you inside me? Didn't I just commit like seven sins just now?". To this I felt a little warmer, and Jesus replied "Yes, but I love all of my sheep. We must even guide the sheep that masturbate to Canadian teenagers into the stable, hadn't we?" That was the most logical thing I had ever heard in my life. Jesus didn't mind that I was a scummy asshole, he loved all of his friends here on Earth, and I thought that was pretty rad.

 

"Jesus, how do I turn myself around?" I asked. I couldn't see Jesus, as he was inside my heart, but I could feel his shaven brow furrow. "Boy, you don't need to turn yourself around for me, just do whatever you think is right, and the world and goodness will follow you." Jesus didn't want you to follow some dumb gospel that some confused old guy wearing a white robe delivered every sunday, he wanted you to do what you thought was right on Earth. Jesus is a follower of god just as we all are, and the sooner we realize that the better.

 

Jesus wants you to create your own meaning, do what you think is right, and create your legacy on Earth. The more you subscribe to these dogmatic principles about life, the universe, or anything (no matter how "good" or "empty" they are) the harder it is for you to do that.

[H. León]

Go home dude, you're drunk.

Seriously, you should just live. Do whatever you enjoy. Want to kill the president? Do it as long as you're happy.

[Ferocious Banger]

Don't worry about it man. That's the main thing to do—don't worry about a single thing that wants to make itself apparent on your mind. I'm basically the same age as you and for the past year up until maybe a month ago I shared similar views on life as you are now. What did I do to go forward? I ignored the thoughts. Law0070 is absolutely right; this is a time where things are new to us and there's a giant unexplored world right before us and we tend to not take advantage of that.

 

I wouldn't label myself as a "f*cking loser" if I were you simply because this is normal and a lot of people are expected to go through this at some point. Take the time to fully become 100% aware of your situation and only then you'll be able to separate the good from the bad and realize it's not all as bad as it seems.

 

Eliminate the pessimism you feel towards the world and you'll see that life can be pretty damn good and chuck full of endless possibilities.

Excuse me. But are you me?

[asitsaysinthebook]

Honestly and truly life is what you make it. Is you life empty? Then fill it up with whatever. Cheeseburgers. Guitar lessons. Getting an intense knowledge of the GTA series via the internet. Becoming a buddhist.

You are born, you live, and then you die. That's how it goes, man, for everyone. And when you die it won't really matter, cause there's nothing after death. But fill it up and have fun while you're here. Then you'll be fine with dying when you're all old and wrinkly.

 

Wake up in the morning and ask youself how you'd like to best spend this day. Or how you could make a difference to anyone.

 

For me, this day I'll make the best of it by finishing a book I've been trying to finish for the last six months. And try to make a difference to my cat by buying it food that'll help it's arthritis.

 

Small steps, man. Just because we're not big time doesn't mean we are worthless.

Edited June 5, 2013 by asitsaysinthebook

[Ferocious Banger]

@zoo

 

I was pretty much like you,even until a few months back.

 

Atheists have valid points to disbelieve God. BUT, like you and I, they need that moment to realize God; until then they will continue to disbelieve God.

 

[AKalashnikov]

I'm not usually one to disclose too much online, but someone I once knew hinted towards taking his own life on a different forum to this one. He told everyone how he was going to go about it and most people laughed it off. Then the topic turned into a memorial as it turned out he did kill himself. Afterwards I figured I wouldn't ever take this sort of thing lightly, which I plan not to. Given that we're on a site that celebrates a video game series it's clear to me that you're more than capable of finding a passion, in this case a series of video games that in my opinion are a form of modern art. Maybe that's a start, or finding a passion in your real life that can give you more of a sense of purpose.

 

Unfortunately coping with loss can realign our perceptions in a very negative manner, but that's all a part of life. Dealing with adversity is part of what makes us who we are. I'm only a couple of years older than you and in roughly the same boat. I wish to go overseas at the end of the year and not return for many years, as there isn't much left for me here. Not in a negative way, either. I've seen and experienced most of what my country has to offer and I'm ready to change my surroundings and meet new people. In saying this, instead of going to Seattle to seek out anonymity and reclusion maybe the change of scenery will change your current mindset to something more balanced. If you be a friend to someone you'll make a friend, maybe you'll even find someone who you consider to be 'real.'

 

Given how you articulated your views on life I can only assume this Fight Club passage might help.

 

[Nameless Foot Soldier]

From what I'm getting from the most of your responses is the act of moving on though with no regard as to the fact that there is no reason to. I have to be honest, I have always fascinated over the idea of moving through meaninglessly in a way of non caring but enthusiasm for nothing but for the sake of the moment. I don't think I could really go through with taking anyone's life or my own, I always saw that as a sigh of weakness and it still my be but I think from what I've gotten from here is that It shouldn't matter if I am weak or not. I am a man, I do have the ability to cater a passion for some things. I now see that my lust for seeing what I can should be my primal drive for the time that I have. I think it would be a good idea for me in the coming months to just let loose and travel my country, no home, no job (expect for odd jobs I do here and there), no contacts but the ones I meet, just me and the open road. I like that. But not Seattle, everything else. I want to be the drifter who has an adventure everyday and knows new people from every walks of life. I don't want chains to hold me down to a meaningless existence, I want to see what I can see and be the guy who can tell you a crazy story every time we hang. That is what I should do. It actually makes sense. The world does not have a purpose but I should only use that to go head in and if I die ding so, then well, I guess I got what I wanted. I can honestly say that this helped quite a bit.

[Tyler]

Yeah I guess so. Thing is, the film does exactly what the book tries to not do, which is create the exact same dichotomy of cool/uncool. The only difference is now it's an "alternative" to the fascist system it criticizes. That always bugged me about the film, and even though Brad Pitt makes all Tylers look good in it, I can't really stomach the film nowadays.

 

 

@Nameless Foot Soldier, there's a bit of truth and misinformation everywhere. It's true that there's no outward goal or theme that pervades life- other than to continue onward. That innate drive is what keeps us going though, even when we go beyond simple biology. It's why we reward and value persistence and longevity. The issue with this is that many people get stuck in a social system where they feel like they're goalless or drifting from one day to the next. This empty life or supposedly empty life is what causes a lot of depression and other issues to be accentuated in lives where it would normally be on the margin. Everyone is susceptible to periods of anguish, but if you feel truly worthless and powerless with your life then you should find comfort in knowing there are places and things that can help you out of that valley. Life is not static and every moment be it good or bad is fleeting. You shouldn't run from that, you should embrace the temporal way of things. Nothing would be worth doing if you had all of time to do it.

 

Anyway, most of what we can do to help you is going to be useless platitudes. The truth of the matter is that you're the only one who can help yourself. I think you've realized that or at least feel a little more empowered from the advice given here, and that's the best thing. You have a lot of options in life, and though it may seem like there's so many that you paralyze in fear of it all, just know that days will come and go, and doing something mundane that feels worthless today will pay off for your future. Sure, the future is not guaranteed, but planning for it is better than living to regret your past and present. If you ever feel the need to talk about this stuff feel free to shoot me a PM, man.

[DEALUX]

Life doesn't suck. Your perception of life sucks. Life is neither bad or good.

[Tchuck]

Life doesn't suck. Your perception of life sucks. Life is neither bad or good.

This. Get this through your head. Life is neither inherently meaningless nor meaningful. Life just is. Your perception of it is what is meaningless or meaningful. We are not telling you "Oh just do something because, even though there's no reason to, you should anyway.". We are telling you "Find your own reason in life." Because that's how it works.

[MobBG]

I sometimes get lost in the park on purpose.

[AKalashnikov]

 

Yeah I guess so. Thing is, the film does exactly what the book tries to not do, which is create the exact same dichotomy of cool/uncool. The only difference is now it's an "alternative" to the fascist system it criticizes. That always bugged me about the film, and even though Brad Pitt makes all Tylers look good in it, I can't really stomach the film nowadays.

 

 

 

The film's alternative to a flawed system was riddled with irony, I always thought that as well. The same director missed the entire point of the 'Alien' movie franchise so it doesn't surprise me. The sense of freedom in Tyler Durden's character always appealed to me none the less, even it was far from the truth in reality. It helped me realise that we are all free and it's just a matter of perspective.