albanyave Posted June 1, 2013 Share Posted June 1, 2013 Future Off in the distance an image comes to view A feeling of dread, this something new As it came ever more nearer The image became somewhat clearer Somewhere over yonder the bell does toll For those over yonder I suppose What is this coming my way? With such a feeble attempt to pull me astray How I longed for its presence to be put asunder Presently. Why was it here with me I wonder? Daring not to speak those words aloud Fearing the truth, they won’t be heard, I vowed Stepping upon a grassy knoll Instantly I fell upon a spot of gold Unaware of my former place I advanced on at an even pace Not knowing sky from ground I turned myself way ‘round With nothing to claim I encountered more of the same Bleakness and blackness abound Unable to distinguish up from down Except for the unknown I am truly alone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TonyZimmzy Posted June 1, 2013 Share Posted June 1, 2013 It feels like this got stronger as it went on. Towards the end, it felt very similar to things I used to write. Nicely done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyler Posted June 2, 2013 Share Posted June 2, 2013 Good stuff man. Haven't seen too much of your writing but I like your composition. I think the use of "feeble" as a description for the action of the 'it' pulling you astray is a little paradoxical considering what else we've been told, but otherwise I like the feeling you're going for, and it's a nice, coherent message overall. The rhyme scheme is solid even though I don't count that as important. Really the only thing I hope you work on in the future is using less words overall, with more powerful words in place of the few you're omitting. Brevity etc etc. I think the message of confusion can be lost in a sea of blanket terms and sayings we've heard before a la, "I am truly alone" and "the bell does toll." I think in the case of the first, you should omit the adverb. "I am alone" stands out. It's clear, definitive. A better ending and with less work on the mind. Clarity like that can do wonders, especially when you're subject matter is confusion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
albanyave Posted June 2, 2013 Author Share Posted June 2, 2013 Thanks guys. I really appreciate the comments and advice. I will surely use your advice in future writings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mokrie Dela Posted June 2, 2013 Share Posted June 2, 2013 I felt you were having the same problem I do - trying too hard to rhyme a especially in the beginning, it shows It just feels awkward a times That said I don't think I could do better The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing. Click here to view my Poetry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now