Ghost

[Dr-Mayhem111]

Life is recorded by the objects around us that remain in their position for centuries.

 

I am certain that I will return as a form of energy from these objects and roam around once again.

 

I enter the living room, where I spent most of my time, but it has a different feel to it.

 

For some apparent reason I feel as if I'm not around but I know I'm here.

 

What is this feeling?

 

The front door opens and it's my family wearing all black outfits and crying.

 

I walk up to them to ask what's wrong but I didn't get a response, they ignored me.

 

I was surely confused about what was going on so I decided to walk around the house.

 

The mirror on the wall, which I looked at everyday, gave me an image I would never forget.

 

I look at the mirror and I see nothing. I look at myself and I see my hands, my feet, and my clothes.

 

What is this madness?

 

People were coming in downstairs and were crying as well, I check on them.

 

They start hanging up pictures of me and lighting candles around them.

 

My wife, the mother of my children and the love of my life for twenty five years, commented "He was a great man, husband, and father."

 

I'm still here, what's going on?

 

Then it was clear... I wasn't really here.

 

I'm...... dead, but how?

 

The answer remains undiscovered.

 

So if I'm dead then how am I here?

 

It's clear, I'm a ghost that chose to stay.

 

I'm I not at rest? If I'm still in my home with my family, then i consider myself as at rest.

 

I may not be here, but I am, you just have to believe.

[Ziggy455]

I think the main problem with this is the shift between present and past tense.

 

 

I walk up to them to ask what's wrong but I didn't get a response, they ignored me.

 

I was surely confused about what was going on so I decided to walk around the house.

 

The mirror on the wall, which I looked at everyday, gave me an image I would never forget.

 

You shift each line like I go and do this, then we did this and I did that but I go and do this instead. Try and keep it all in one tense. It makes the story flow a lot better. Look below to see what I mean:

 

 

I walk up to them to ask what's wrong but I don't get a response, they ignore me.

 

I'm confused on what's going on so I decide to walk around the house.

 

The mirror on the wall, which I looked at everyday, gives me an image I will never forget.

 

Also, give it a read through to look for the punctuation errors. Remember every I is capitalized and I distinctly remember seeing some loose i's in there.

 

A little thing also is the overuse of the ellipses. HOLY sh*t...................................I'm dead. Remember the rule. It's always three!

 

I'm...... dead, but how?

 

Turns into:

 

I'm...dead, but how?

 

As for the story, it feels like it's leading into something bigger. Okay, he's dead, but what I'd really love to see is WHY is he dead? Is somebody out to harm his family next? Is he dead because he pissed off the wrong people leading a double life? You've got a good prologue, and considering it's one of your first NON-GTA related works, I'd be happy with it. What happens next, though?