Exsanguinated

[Zugzwang]

Everyday is here because I hope

I wish I didn’t.

The only happiness I have comes from fantasizing future joy.

All my expectations, love, longing all this is what life is

Expectation with spots of exsanguination; where all my hope bleeds out

and I’m left deflated.

Insane. Living in a world I wish would happen.

I crash, saddened.

Fooled again, to have my time spent on another quest

[Tyler]

I like it a lot. I see you've got a few posts on here without replies and I gotta say I'm sorry for not getting around to posting back sooner, I know the feeling of seeing no criticism or feedback for a story or poem you worked on.

 

The poem is definitive and aside from it being about something as precocious as hope, you've made it self-contained. Being straightforward is a virtue. Like all writing I'm sure this comes from somewhere personal, at least in part. Word choice is fine, though if you're aiming for a poem this short I would have gone with some different ones. "Fantasizing" comes off too long in the rhythm of the poem. "Expectations" too. Overall, a mix of short and long is good, but exsanguination is plenty good for the quota in something of this length.

 

 

 

All my expectations, love, longing all this is what life is

 

This line comes off confused, particularly the second half. Were you aiming to say that expectation, love and longing is what life is? Or was it that you were loving and longing for all that life... is? I hope you feel what I'm getting at here.

 

 

 

I crash, saddened.

 

Interesting choice given that your earlier descriptors (deflated, bleeding out, longing, etc) are all gradual and pretty smooth processes. Crashing is most definitely not smooth, but I like that you placed it near the end and right before the last line. I just wish you'd used something else, maybe burst or fracture or splinter or shatter. I'm just a nitpick though.

 

 

 

Fooled again, to have my time spent on another quest

 

I liked that your first line was misleading. It's interesting how you transitioned, though I'd have liked another switch up on the final line as well. The use of 'quest' in this kind of bugs me, since the earlier description sounded more timeless and vague whereas a quest is pretty definite in its end. It does call to mind the idea that you're living in constant episodes of the same rehashed failure and sadness, though.

 

 

Overall, good stuff. I think if you're going to release stuff at this length that you should look into just making a hub topic for yourself, as 9 different topics are less like to get replies than one larger topic. Also, may be that you could focus on something more specific next time? I enjoy a good existential crisis but I'd love it if we had less poems about the unending strife that our world shapes us in and more narrative instances wherein these ideas are hinted at and left ambiguous. Such large ideas often fail to present themselves well when laid bare: things like hope, reconciling failure and expectation, etc are most always best used in moderation of plot progression.

[EveryoneWearsThisInJapan]

lol

 

Edit: It's funny how silly teens in this site think they are qualified writers / critics of literature.

[TonyZimmzy]

lol

 

Edit: It's funny how silly teens in this site think they are qualified writers / critics of literature.

lol

 

Edit: It's funny how you're spending a large portion of your adult life modding maps on video games.

[EveryoneWearsThisInJapan]

Ikr? Life is funny. *sighs*

 

Edit: Holy cow, that kid has a beard :­o